Looking for more insight!!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Looking for more insight!!
My husband was at a meeting the other night and I went to church and a bible study. As I drove home, I was driving right by his meeting after it was over and thought I would stop by after to say hi to him and others that I have met. I was in new clothes, looked and was feeling good and sociable.
I tried to call him but his phone was on mute. I was kind of reluctant to just stop there but then thought that I was being silly. I swear my intentions where what I stated above.
When we got home, I asked him if he was OK with it. I wanted him to know I was not checking up on him in anyway. I just wasn't ready to come right home and was hoping they may have been going out. He said he had no problem with it.
Please keep in my mind, I have attended this meeting with him once, and been invited several times. I have been to other NA events with him and we have been invited to Thanksgiving at the home of one of the girls that I liked a lot.
Do you think I did anything wrong? My husbands friend (who I really don't know) told him "he would feel like he was being checked up on." If I was checking up on him, I could of just seen his car and left.
During an argument the following day, my husband told me he thought it was manipulative, conniving and that it was an act of a jealous woman. I am far from jealous. Now, I realize he was mad and may have just said those things but I am pissed. I said "Untrustworthy people always distrust others. Please, do me a favor and hook up with a woman from NA, it would be sweet revenge for me."
I think he is showing his hand....and has something to hide now!! I have made other plans for Thanksgiving, somewhere I would rather be anyway. But the fact I just cant stop after his meeting is over - says a lot about him and our marriage, IMO.
Is it me?? Do I need to know to the secret handshake of the all important exclusive NA clubhouse?
I have to tell you, the thread is becoming thinner and thinner!! And maybe that is the best thing for me. Keep showing me who you are, because I am believing you more and more. I am pissed and have not spoken to him nicely since.
I tried to call him but his phone was on mute. I was kind of reluctant to just stop there but then thought that I was being silly. I swear my intentions where what I stated above.
When we got home, I asked him if he was OK with it. I wanted him to know I was not checking up on him in anyway. I just wasn't ready to come right home and was hoping they may have been going out. He said he had no problem with it.
Please keep in my mind, I have attended this meeting with him once, and been invited several times. I have been to other NA events with him and we have been invited to Thanksgiving at the home of one of the girls that I liked a lot.
Do you think I did anything wrong? My husbands friend (who I really don't know) told him "he would feel like he was being checked up on." If I was checking up on him, I could of just seen his car and left.
During an argument the following day, my husband told me he thought it was manipulative, conniving and that it was an act of a jealous woman. I am far from jealous. Now, I realize he was mad and may have just said those things but I am pissed. I said "Untrustworthy people always distrust others. Please, do me a favor and hook up with a woman from NA, it would be sweet revenge for me."
I think he is showing his hand....and has something to hide now!! I have made other plans for Thanksgiving, somewhere I would rather be anyway. But the fact I just cant stop after his meeting is over - says a lot about him and our marriage, IMO.
Is it me?? Do I need to know to the secret handshake of the all important exclusive NA clubhouse?
I have to tell you, the thread is becoming thinner and thinner!! And maybe that is the best thing for me. Keep showing me who you are, because I am believing you more and more. I am pissed and have not spoken to him nicely since.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
LMN, I think being invited is different than just stopping by unannounced. If it were me, I would steer clear of his recovery as much as possible. I am glad you were feeling good, and all, but is there some little part of you that was trying to "show him up" somehow by showing up unannounced? Do you really want him to cheat? I think you got your answer by the end of your post--love the way you said it was getting thinner!--these are just my immediate thoughts, no deep contemplation, on my first cup of coffee...
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
There is no doubt we need marriage counseling especially with the whole trust issues that have resulted. And both of us have always had terrible conflict resolutions skills.
He is willing to go, but IMO, we both need to go individually for a while first. I have been going and learning a lot about myself. He goes to NA to learn tools to stay clean. Big difference!!
Lately, I am feeling like NA gives addicts a lot of free passes. It's great that many of these people are seeking recovery, working to better themselves but in many cases, there is someone (a mother or a father) who is still left picking up all the responsibilties they have been left in shambles and/or just walked away from.
Glad the have their fellowship, support and outings....but in many cases, there are kids still missing the other involved parent.
He is willing to go, but IMO, we both need to go individually for a while first. I have been going and learning a lot about myself. He goes to NA to learn tools to stay clean. Big difference!!
Lately, I am feeling like NA gives addicts a lot of free passes. It's great that many of these people are seeking recovery, working to better themselves but in many cases, there is someone (a mother or a father) who is still left picking up all the responsibilties they have been left in shambles and/or just walked away from.
Glad the have their fellowship, support and outings....but in many cases, there are kids still missing the other involved parent.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Lately, I am feeling like NA gives addicts a lot of free passes. It's great that many of these people are seeking recovery, working to better themselves but in many cases, there is someone (a mother or a father) who is still left picking up all the responsibilties they have been left in shambles and/or just walked away from.
It really depends I believe on what kind of person the individual picks. I was lucky, I got not only my sponsor but her hubby also and believe you me, in a gentle but very FIRM way it was made VERY CLEAR to me many times on what acts and actions were still acceptable and what ones were not acceptable.
I know that 'things' are not the same in AA and NA as they were when I found recovery in '81. In many ways both programs have been 'diluted' and thinned out. ie The seriousness of what one is dealing with no longer seems to be stressed as it once was. This alone is bringing me back to the meetings in my area, and in my own way, by sharing, trying to get our meetings here back on focus.
And with the above being said, IT IS STILL UP TO THE INDIVIDUAL to do clean up their own wreckage, start learning to change their acts and actions, and make their amends. NA and AA are just programs, sponsor are humans too, they are not 'bosses' and/or wardens or parole officers. It is UP TO YOUR HUSBAND to do 'the next right thing.'
I agree with the posters above, even though you believe your intentions were good, and not snooping up on your husband by stopping at the meeting, from the A's point of view it would feel like you were 'checking up on him.' And I know that feeling well! It even took me several years, before I did not panic when a police car was behind me or next to me while driving.
Of course, you feel like 'the thread is becoming thinner and thinner', this does happen in early recovery, both his and yours. I am glad that you are continuing your personal therapy and I suspect that you and he will probably do some marriage counseling further down the road and then you will be able to figure out if you two can make it or not.
I suspect that some of your discontent is that subconsciously, not consciously, you thought he would be if not 'all better' at least a lot better than he is. There is nothing wrong with that, but the reality is that this is a VERY SLOW ongoing process. He used for years, and 'everything' won't be 'cured' in a few months, roflmao even though I have to tell you, as an A I couldn't figure out why I wasn't ALL BETTER by the time I was 6 months sober and clean, lol
(((((LMN))))) you really are doing great with your recovery!!!! All the things you are posting about and your feelings are "NORMAL" for your recovery. You are sharing what is happening to you and what you are feeling and that is AWESOME!!! Stay on this track you are on and more will be revealed to you and to him.
Good job so far!!!!!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
ps: I apologize for the length, sometimes I can get VERY WORDY!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((LMN)) - I can only share my ES&H. Back when I went to AA, I would have been very upset at anyone just dropping in on my meeting. It was my "safe place" where I was with other people like me. My dad accused me of being in a "cult" and often commented that I'd rather be with THEM than family. It was what I needed at the time.
That being said, I feel the same way about "my" al-anon meeting. My dad has been to the same meeting a couple times, years ago, but I do NOT want him at my meeting. He's part of the reason I'm going!
Like ((Laurie)), I've been on both sides of the addiction fence. IMO, it's harder being the loved one...I can not pick up crack, no problem. I can't not deal with my family, my dad is supporting me and I live with him and my A stepmom.
As far as the outings with AA or NA, though I didn't follow through with AA and went on to hit a new bottom in my addiction, I am grateful for those outings and events. I learned that I could do stuff, have a little fun, and be surrounded by people who got me. Our al-anon has their own events and since it meets in the same building as AA, the two groups often get together for a little fun...like a Halloween party where kids were most welcome.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
That being said, I feel the same way about "my" al-anon meeting. My dad has been to the same meeting a couple times, years ago, but I do NOT want him at my meeting. He's part of the reason I'm going!
Like ((Laurie)), I've been on both sides of the addiction fence. IMO, it's harder being the loved one...I can not pick up crack, no problem. I can't not deal with my family, my dad is supporting me and I live with him and my A stepmom.
As far as the outings with AA or NA, though I didn't follow through with AA and went on to hit a new bottom in my addiction, I am grateful for those outings and events. I learned that I could do stuff, have a little fun, and be surrounded by people who got me. Our al-anon has their own events and since it meets in the same building as AA, the two groups often get together for a little fun...like a Halloween party where kids were most welcome.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Are you mad at him or at NA? Or is this even about his meeting that you dropped by? I'm guessing it's not....I am old and therefore wise in these things 
I see it all as a trust issue. Either you trust or you don't...there is no in-between with trust.
I know you two have many many issues to resolve, or not, but the quarreling would exhaust me too.
In a situation like yours, there is no "right or wrong" answer. You felt comfortable dropping by his recovery meeting...he felt intruded upon and perhaps not trusted...perhaps he is not trust worthy or wasn't in the past but hasn't earned trust back yet...or maybe he IS trustworthy and feels you don't respect that...see where this all goes?
If you can't work this out between yourselves, then counseling may be needed. There is a lot of damage that needs repairing here and healing to be done. It takes two to fix this before it becomes toxic.
Good luck, I hope you can work it out too.
Hugs
I see it all as a trust issue. Either you trust or you don't...there is no in-between with trust.
I know you two have many many issues to resolve, or not, but the quarreling would exhaust me too.
In a situation like yours, there is no "right or wrong" answer. You felt comfortable dropping by his recovery meeting...he felt intruded upon and perhaps not trusted...perhaps he is not trust worthy or wasn't in the past but hasn't earned trust back yet...or maybe he IS trustworthy and feels you don't respect that...see where this all goes?
If you can't work this out between yourselves, then counseling may be needed. There is a lot of damage that needs repairing here and healing to be done. It takes two to fix this before it becomes toxic.
Good luck, I hope you can work it out too.
Hugs
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you for all your responses! Although, I have to admit - I am bit surprised.
I really never thought that stopping by on my way home after the meeting was over was a big deal. Maybe I did, because my instincts said not too, then I really thought I was being silly. I would never have walked into the meeting.
But no, I would not want him in one of "my" meetings but I wouldn't care if he came by after to be social. I have declined all invites to his meetings except for one and that was only because it was a "time" issue. I didn't feel comfortable being there but still found it interesting.
Several of the people hanging around talking after are people that come to my home on Sundays, ask me why I never came to any meetings, share intimate details about their life with me so I just didn't think my stopping by was inappropriate. I guess I am wrong and should have followed my first instincts.
My black and white thinking is saying.....I will not attend any NA activities - invited or not. I know this is wrong....but it is how I feel right now!!
I really never thought that stopping by on my way home after the meeting was over was a big deal. Maybe I did, because my instincts said not too, then I really thought I was being silly. I would never have walked into the meeting.
But no, I would not want him in one of "my" meetings but I wouldn't care if he came by after to be social. I have declined all invites to his meetings except for one and that was only because it was a "time" issue. I didn't feel comfortable being there but still found it interesting.
Several of the people hanging around talking after are people that come to my home on Sundays, ask me why I never came to any meetings, share intimate details about their life with me so I just didn't think my stopping by was inappropriate. I guess I am wrong and should have followed my first instincts.
My black and white thinking is saying.....I will not attend any NA activities - invited or not. I know this is wrong....but it is how I feel right now!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA.
Posts: 235
Hmm, I think it's important to notice how much you are trying to control right now. No matter what is said here, you don't truly believe what you did was a mistake. I think you're so caught up in your motivations you've forgotten the truth here. Your husband is in recovery and doing everything he can to stay sober.
He does this so he can learn to love himself, and you. This is all that matters, not what you "think" or want to project as your own justifications for doing this or that. Strip away all your motivations right now and all you have left is you and a man in recovery. Let him recover and let all your self centered motivations drop away to see the reality of now, a man in recovery whom you need to let heal, his way, not your way.
He does this so he can learn to love himself, and you. This is all that matters, not what you "think" or want to project as your own justifications for doing this or that. Strip away all your motivations right now and all you have left is you and a man in recovery. Let him recover and let all your self centered motivations drop away to see the reality of now, a man in recovery whom you need to let heal, his way, not your way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
My husband isn’t an A, but I can relate this in terms of showing up at his office (where I am always welcome), but walking in on a business meeting, and then hoping to tag along for a business lunch. It would be inappropriate. That is his world, and although I also know many of the people he works with, it is in a different context than what happens when he is at the office.
It seems to me your stopping by his place of recovery work, and all of the comments made to him following the argument, have more to do with you, and your emotions, rather than anything to do with him.
Since you stated your working on your own personal issues at present, I would just continue to do this and hopefully in time it will be clear to both of you which way your marriage should go.
It seems to me your stopping by his place of recovery work, and all of the comments made to him following the argument, have more to do with you, and your emotions, rather than anything to do with him.
Since you stated your working on your own personal issues at present, I would just continue to do this and hopefully in time it will be clear to both of you which way your marriage should go.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot 
My husband was at a meeting the other night and I went to church and a bible study. As I drove home, I was driving right by his meeting after it was over and thought I would stop by after to say hi to him and others that I have met. I was in new clothes, looked and was feeling good and sociable.
I tried to call him but his phone was on mute. I was kind of reluctant to just stop there but then thought that I was being silly. I swear my intentions where what I stated above.
When we got home, I asked him if he was OK with it. I wanted him to know I was not checking up on him in anyway. I just wasn't ready to come right home and was hoping they may have been going out. He said he had no problem with it.
Please keep in my mind, I have attended this meeting with him once, and been invited several times. I have been to other NA events with him and we have been invited to Thanksgiving at the home of one of the girls that I liked a lot.
Do you think I did anything wrong? My husbands friend (who I really don't know) told him "he would feel like he was being checked up on." If I was checking up on him, I could of just seen his car and left.
During an argument the following day, my husband told me he thought it was manipulative, conniving and that it was an act of a jealous woman. I am far from jealous. Now, I realize he was mad and may have just said those things but I am pissed. I said "Untrustworthy people always distrust others. Please, do me a favor and hook up with a woman from NA, it would be sweet revenge for me."
I think he is showing his hand....and has something to hide now!! I have made other plans for Thanksgiving, somewhere I would rather be anyway. But the fact I just cant stop after his meeting is over - says a lot about him and our marriage, IMO.
Is it me?? Do I need to know to the secret handshake of the all important exclusive NA clubhouse?
I have to tell you, the thread is becoming thinner and thinner!! And maybe that is the best thing for me. Keep showing me who you are, because I am believing you more and more. I am pissed and have not spoken to him nicely since.
I tried to call him but his phone was on mute. I was kind of reluctant to just stop there but then thought that I was being silly. I swear my intentions where what I stated above.
When we got home, I asked him if he was OK with it. I wanted him to know I was not checking up on him in anyway. I just wasn't ready to come right home and was hoping they may have been going out. He said he had no problem with it.
Please keep in my mind, I have attended this meeting with him once, and been invited several times. I have been to other NA events with him and we have been invited to Thanksgiving at the home of one of the girls that I liked a lot.
Do you think I did anything wrong? My husbands friend (who I really don't know) told him "he would feel like he was being checked up on." If I was checking up on him, I could of just seen his car and left.
During an argument the following day, my husband told me he thought it was manipulative, conniving and that it was an act of a jealous woman. I am far from jealous. Now, I realize he was mad and may have just said those things but I am pissed. I said "Untrustworthy people always distrust others. Please, do me a favor and hook up with a woman from NA, it would be sweet revenge for me."
I think he is showing his hand....and has something to hide now!! I have made other plans for Thanksgiving, somewhere I would rather be anyway. But the fact I just cant stop after his meeting is over - says a lot about him and our marriage, IMO.
Is it me?? Do I need to know to the secret handshake of the all important exclusive NA clubhouse?
I have to tell you, the thread is becoming thinner and thinner!! And maybe that is the best thing for me. Keep showing me who you are, because I am believing you more and more. I am pissed and have not spoken to him nicely since.
I would say to him that if he does not want you meeting him then to say so. Maybe have a talk about what's best for both of you. Also the fact that this worried you enough to ask him shows you weren't playing games or being manipulative. Its not like you barged into his meeting.
Evey.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Something I had/have to remember is a little slogan someone gave me right here in the early days of my time here on SR.. Hands off of the addict.. And before you do anything that revolves around the addicts recovery or using.. Ask yourself what your motives are.. Are you in someway trying to control the outcome, trying to ease your pain or anxiety by driving up to a meeting were he is attending is still in a way trying to control the outcome of your feelings..
It's hard I know.: I've been where you are at many times.. I'm just to exhausted to do it anymore
It's hard I know.: I've been where you are at many times.. I'm just to exhausted to do it anymore
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
Also, and please do not take this the wrong way as its not intended that way. You seem to have anger n resent issues. I would sort those. I spent 3 years feeling that way n it destroys you. I can't really comment on AA n NA to know whether they give 'free asses' but I'm sure a lot of those ppl have been in pain n need those meetings like you need your al anon meeting. I spent years being angry n lashing out at ppl because I thought they had a 'free pass' while I was stuck picking the pieces, not over addiction but others. If i'm right here please sort because I would hate to see another person feel that way.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by jerect
Something I had/have to remember is a little slogan someone gave me right here in the early days of my time here on SR.. Hands off of the addict.. And before you do anything that revolves around the addicts recovery or using.. Ask yourself what your motives are.. Are you in someway trying to control the outcome, trying to ease your pain or anxiety by driving up to a meeting were he is attending is still in a way trying to control the outcome of your feelings..
It's hard I know.: I've been where you are at many times.. I'm just to exhausted to do it anymore
It's hard I know.: I've been where you are at many times.. I'm just to exhausted to do it anymore
I am believing more and more that a cucumber and a pickle are not a good match!!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
P.S. His friend with 20 yrs recovery who is currently working out of our house, told me to ignore his stupidity and I did nothing wrong. However, he does think this is part of early recovery behavior and told me not to take it personally. He believed my husband was just struggling with his feelings and it had nothing to do with what I did or did not do.
Also, Laurie - he has stated many times that he thinks AA/NA has become very diluted and finds it somewhat frustrating.
Also, Laurie - he has stated many times that he thinks AA/NA has become very diluted and finds it somewhat frustrating.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I really have nothing to offer because I have never dealt with an addict in recovery. I just think it seems like your relationship is so very delicate. You don't seem to be at the point yet where you can have that type of relationship. I would continue to take it slow. Keep telling each other why you love each and why you are together. I hope and pray it works.
Be careful with your words. I have said some dreadfult tings to my ex. I still regre them, and wonder if I pushed him away further because of my words. I always apologized afterwards, but I think they were just too honest. I hurt him, and he already had no self esteem.
Hang in there mama!
Be careful with your words. I have said some dreadfult tings to my ex. I still regre them, and wonder if I pushed him away further because of my words. I always apologized afterwards, but I think they were just too honest. I hurt him, and he already had no self esteem.
Hang in there mama!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
He came home and apologized for saying what he did. He admits that he did feel like I was checking up on him because it was out of character for me to stop by. He felt bad for thinking that way and asked a NA friend who said and I quote "Your an addict, its the way we think but it doesn't make it right but It will change over time."
We have agreed to start marriage counseling and stop with the insults/name calling when we are mad and to remember why we are still together and that we still love eachother. In the mean time, we printed out "rules to fair fighting" and both signed it.
I will admit it was more me then him....this time. I think with the holidays coming (and another reason) I have really been struggling. I miss my family being together, it will be the first holiday without us all together and it hurts so much....as many mothers and fathers here know.
We have agreed to start marriage counseling and stop with the insults/name calling when we are mad and to remember why we are still together and that we still love eachother. In the mean time, we printed out "rules to fair fighting" and both signed it.
I will admit it was more me then him....this time. I think with the holidays coming (and another reason) I have really been struggling. I miss my family being together, it will be the first holiday without us all together and it hurts so much....as many mothers and fathers here know.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Awwww LMN Im sorry you feel this way 
mine has boundaries on his meetings two and we were all but separated while he was at the sober house. you would think that boundaries would be different for a husband than a boyfriend though maybe meetings for him are like candlelight baths for us... I can't change it so I try to accept it but I still don't like it at all!!!
mine has boundaries on his meetings two and we were all but separated while he was at the sober house. you would think that boundaries would be different for a husband than a boyfriend though maybe meetings for him are like candlelight baths for us... I can't change it so I try to accept it but I still don't like it at all!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
