mkr86

So tonight while I'm once again laying in bed thinking about my crazy life, I decided to re-read the "are you codependant" sticky. The first time I read it about a month ago, I was more focused on my addict bf than myself and MY OWN problems. I merely skimmed through it, but what I had in my mind was his addiction.
After having my family reach out to me this past week, it has opened my eys completely to how incredibly codependant I am. My cell phone has been suspended due to me slacking on paying the bill. Money isn't even the issue, its my habit of being up all night and sleeping all day that has got me at this point where I can't get anything done. My parents both made seperate visits to my apartment. They told me their feelings about how I am stagnant, doing nothing with my life and living lke a bum trying to fix somebody who cannot be fixed. Its so true. I related to 95% of the list of codependant traits. The things that have become the most apparant to me since reading it are
-my need for approval from addict bf. I never really noticd this before, but its definitely there . Even if its something as simple as wanting to hear the dinner I made I good. And if I don't hear ift, I feel like I failed.
-my sleeping habit. You could call me a vampire. I'm up all night ans sleep most of the day. This one, I got from my bf. I've developed the sleep pattern of an addict. Also, the part about progression & how as his addiction escalates so does my codependant behaviour, really hit home. It is so obvious now.
I am only 23 I do not want to live this way. I have also realzed I have been codependant for quite some time. This last list really got me:
In the later stages of codependency, codependents may:

1. Feel lethargic. 2. Feel depressed. 3. Become withdrawn and isolated. 4. Experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure. 5. Abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities. 6. Feel hopeless. 7. Begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in. 8. Think about suicide. 9. Become violent. 10. Become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill. 11. Experience an eating disorder (over - or under eating). 12. Become addicted to alcohol or other drugs.''
With the exception of 12, everything else readily applies to what my life has become. Especially 1 through 4. Today i plan to go to the bookstore and buy codependant no more. I have also set up a counseling session for Monday as well as the next NA meeting where I live is on Tuesday. I lan to go . I need to work on getting ME back despite my bfs addiction. I have lost my identity because of this and I want it back. How is anyone else who is extremely codependant dealing? I would love to hear. Thanks for reading

Ann

Mkr, you have just reached Step 1 and don't even realize it..."We admitted we were powerless over others/drugs/addiction and our lives had become unmanagable."

Simple and obvious as it sounds, that's one of the biggest steps of all, and one I had to return to many times when I needed to regain my balance.

You cannot save him. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here. But now you are sick too and need to save yourself.

Meetings have helped many of us do just that. Maybe find some in your area and give them a try. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped so many of us find our sanity again.

I used to spend all my time, day and night, trying to save my addicted son, tend to my dying mother and run three businesses that my husband and I owned. I almost died in the processs and if I had not found meetings I am certain I would have died.

Give it a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Hugs

Windancer

I had an experience with an extremely co-dependant relationship. We were together for 5 years and we engaged to be married. I tried so hard to compromise, change myself, we went to counselling, but in the end he could talk a good talk but never followed through. I began abusing alcohol worse than ever, and it took me a good two years of "this isnt for me...i cant live the rest of my life with this man" to finally leave him. It was the best decision I ever made, and also one of the hardest. After we broke up I was all alone. But it didnt take too long for me to enjoy my newfound space and freedom.
Hopefully you will find a solution and compromised that work for both of you. I think it is a good idea to get that book and maybe some counselling for yourself. I also hope your bf is working hard with a good support system to overcome his addictions as (despite the obvious issues with an addicted partner) I think it will be very difficult for him (if not almost impossible) to help end the codependency issues.
Good luck

redatlanta

I have been going to al anon now for about 6 weeks. I also read as much as I can about co-dependency. BTW I went into al-anon not thinking I was co-dependent.

What I have found is a stronger woman who does not feel trapped anymore. I was quite the doormat in our relationship and this was way before my AH relapsed. I did anything it took to keep him happy thinking if he was happy - then I would be happy. This was not very drastic I just continuously was doing things I did not want to do - like running every errund...going to play video games, going to play golf, going to football, going to every Dr. appt with him, making his appts, canceling them, cooking every meal, cleaning, taking care of all issues here. I also work a fulltime job I was exhausted. Then would complain because I fell asleep at 8:30 pm on the couch. He would do some things I wanted to do but not much. My personal time was non-existent even if I was concentrating on work or doing something I wanted to do he would interrupt and insist I pay attention to HIM.

Then he started drinking after 10 years sober. This has been a painful journey for me but I am glad because I don't take any of his SH** anymore. I do what I want to, when he interrupts me I tell him not to, I make time for myself. I have handed his responsibility back to him. If he asks me to do even mundane things like wake him up or make an appt I decline. I am not ugly or rude, nor ridiculous I do things for him like normal people not like a slave. I simply see that MY behavior was bad for us both.

He gave me a great compliment a couple of weeks ago - he said I had grown a huge set of balls and he didn't like it. Music to my ears.

So that is what trying to fix my c-dependency has done for me. It has had positive results in my relationship as well - he has changed his behavior because I have. Its not perfect and I am not done with my changes.

I don't know what our future holds. To my knowledge he has not been drinking for the past week - but he is still not back to AA either so I fully expect the drinking to continue at some point. I know for sure that I can and will end this relationship if need be so that trapped feeling is gone.

Good luck to you and very happy that you are making positive steps in your life!