FindingErica

So AH has been a rotten pill over the past month. My past threads detail some of this. We went to mediation on Monday and he was horrible. The mediator had to stop him 4 times because he was flying off on angry rants.

Today he calls to talk to me apparently. Now he is Mr. happy No-Cares Laughsalot. I swear his mood swings give me whiplash. He was telling me how he is working his program and is the happiest he has been in his entire life. Life is so awesome and he is going on 5 months clean, he has let all his anger and resentment go. He is free and moving on from his negative thoughts. Letting go of past hurts. He is attending NA meetings 5 mornings a week, and various bible studies and recovery groups 4 evenings a week. Not to mention his weekend long semonars and camping trips..etc. he did say none of this would be possible if he didnt have this time of separation. He made it clear that under no circumstances is he leaving the state he is in now to move back here. He said he is no longer concerned about money. He vehemently denied cheating on me, even though I have pretty darn good proof I havent told him yet. And he isnt angry with me either

Then he started, in his high on life, jovial chipper good guy way (you know the guy I thought I married), starts dictating to me my recovery. I have go get a sponsor and work a program. I need to lay down and let go of x,y,z faults, for my own good because he knows me better then I know myself. After almost 2 months of no verbal contact barring mediation, this was just odd. I only consented because, well I dont know why, morbid curiosity.

Anyway, what the heck is this? Is he talking s good recovery talk or os it real. I dont think it is real because he was really tearing me down via email this month, has not sent a support check in 3 weeks. I dont get it?
This was so weird, he was just sunny and positive and Mr Bubbly.

Ann

Real recovery takes responsibility for their actions, past and present, and if they cannot pay support, they make an arrangement to pay it soon...even if they have to get another job.

Real recovery doesn't take anyone else's inventory and they certainly don't judge or berate people who care about them.

So is his recovery real? Maybe, but he's got a lot to learn.

You're doing fine. Stay on your own good path and apologize to nobody.

Hugs

laurie6781

Ann said it very well.

I say get your seat belt ready because the Roller Coaster is just warming up!!!!

Have no clue what is going on with him but IT AIN'T RECOVERY. At least not
any kind of recovery I had to do for me, or other A's in my life have had to do
for themselves.

Just keep trudgin down your own road. Remember, WATCH the ACTIONS,
listen NOT to the words. His ACTIONS have told you, including Monday when
you all were in mediation what kind of program if any he is working.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

LoveMeNow

He just blatantly lied to you about being faithful. He just acted like a complete jackass with the mediator. Your brother, a recovering addict, doesn't believe he is clean, his behavior is not of someone who is clean........if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck...

Quack, Quack, Quack!! He has no humilty, only ego still!!


Nothing changes if nothing changes. Stay strong and listen to your gut.

supportforme

Go with your gut. His "words" do not mean a thing. Sit back and you know his actions will show you the truth. Put your energy where there can be a positive outcome - you and the kids. I'm new to all of this and don't have as much insightful wisdom as the others on here; but, I know a quacker when I hear one - I have a fat old duck of me very own. Stay strong.

LoveMeNow

Anybody serving duck on Thanksgiving??

FindingErica

I forgot to mention he wants something, he wants me to move to the state he is in this summer, live near him so the kids can be nearby. He was real nice and solicitous, almost jovial, laughing alot while talking. My bipolar sister gets like this, and it makes me wonder if he isnt bipolar and in a manic phase.

The worst part of FOG for me is obligation. When he starts with the nice guy stuff, it is harder or me to resist and I let my guard down. I realized though when I went to Bible study, that he managed to minimize all progress I made and to cut me down to size. While he was emphasizing the importance of "working a program with a sponsor", he managed to tell me that I have addictions to pride, food and people pleasing; and Im a codepedent and I need to learn to take responibility for my part in all of this- meaning his addiction. He rattled off the full schedule of recovery and Religion activities he engages in every week; and implored me to "go back to God". I felt myself shrivel, I didnt defend or even name my recovery activities which are fewer as I have three kids and cant spend all my free time at meetings.

I think I am getting better though, as I am recognizing. Immediately when I got off the phone, I countered the bad feelings by reminding myself of what I am doing, and reminding myself I never have to live with him in any capacity again. I think guilt and fear are around the corner

LoveMeNow

Mr. Nice Guy wanted something. How strange!!

You don't have to explain your recovery efforts to him. It's none of his business! Divorcing him is all the info he needs to know. It speaks volumes of your strength, mental health and your convictions about him and the marriage.

Faithlove

He knows how to work you. Don't let him. It seems as though he's using his wide array of tools to manipulate you into doing what he wants. He doesn't want you to recover, he wants you to move closer to him for whatever reasons.

How about him being nice to you when things are not going his way or when he doesn't have an alterior motive? He's not your counselor. He doesn't get to dictate to you the terms of your recovery.

Please try to stay out of the FOG. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You've done what's best for your sweet children and yourself.

And don't fear! Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. God loves you. He does not want you to be miserable.

I'd suggest going back to No Contact.

Sending (((hugs)))your way!!!

eveleivibe

Can't comment on him as I don't know him personally. As others have suggested his joyfullness may be possible mental health condition like bipolar - or he may still be using?

However - all this aside, if this bloke isn't honest with you about being faithful do you really wany anything to do with him romanticslly? Only you can answer that.

Concentrate on YOU n don't let others(him) dictate how you recover - that is up to you.

Take care
Evey xxx

FindingErica

Evey, i have no intention of ever taking him back. Im just trying to figure him out. We have three kids together so I will always have to deal with him on some level.

crazybabie

Erica, Think about what you would tell me or another here if we "were" just trying to figure him out...

Your getting back on the merry go round just a different type.

FindingErica

CB, Id say stop listening to him and look at recent past actions.

Katiekate

Sounds like he has forgiven himself for being a jerk,

He is in recovery, and therefore if you were in proper recovery you would forgive yourself, because ultimately , you are to blame, right???

Quack is right. Take the high road, don't engage.

Freedom1990

"Click."

That is the sound of the phone hanging up.

I used to let my EXAH rant and rave and chew me up over the phone. I'd be in a tailspin for days afterwards.

The first time I hung up on him, I was terrified. I felt like I had made a huge mistake and needed to call back to apologize. Thankfully I didn't act on that, but sat with the discomfort.

Each time I hung up on him, it got easier.

If he's calling about BS like that, you do have the option of hanging up, dear!

Sending you hugs of support!

BeavsDad

Good 'ol morbid curiosity. SMACK!

Stick to business and he won't be able to wiggle around in your head.

Where's a duck smilie when you need one?

laurie6781

I was watching the History 2 channel last night when they did an hour long
show on the ordeal of Apollo 13 with inserts of talking with the 'real' people
involved. Both those at Houston and those on Apollo 13 including Jim Lovell.

He said something that has been said here many times, he said it in reference
to his earlier training as a fighter pilot in the Navy and landing on a ship deck
at night.

Hope for the best, but PREPARE for the worst.

That got him through a very harrowing experience when he had equipment
failure in the jet he was flying and used a green phosphorous trail in the ocean
to find the ship. The glow was algae that was in the wake of the ship.

That is what I have had to do with any and all A's in my life, and I guess even
the 'normies' in my life. By preparing for the 'worse' that keeps me from
having 'expectations' of others, and my inner self stays pretty calm and serene,
most of the time.

Now I would love to be able to tell you that, that is what I do, NOT, lol I too
am human and yes the "quacking" can get to me. That is when I come here and
read the threads to get myself back on the correct road for me.

(((((Erica))))) You are doing an AMAZING job!!!!!! With yourself and for your
children!!!!! I cannot express in words how much you have grown and changed
and SHARED IT ALL with us. Thank you for that.

You are woman, hear you roar!!!!!

Love and hugs,

interrupted

Laurie's story reminds me of an old proverb: "Call on God, but row away from the rocks."

Row away from the rocks, Erica! ROW!

FindingErica

Thank you Laurie, it means alot that you said that! I was an anxious scared mess when I came here. Just last week, the leader of my women's Bible study group remarked on how much I have grown over the pat few months, in the Lord and in my outlook on life. I felt really good. Im getting better with the quacking. A few months ago, his comments would havevknocked me into a week long depression. Now, I kind of marvel and then rebound. He doesnt really know me as well as he thinks and my life is none of his business. I keep reminding myself that I never ever have to go back to him, and it makes me excited for the future.

tjp613

I admire you a lot, Erica, and you have much to offer all of us. I am happy to hear that you find yourself reaching equilibrium much sooner than the old days. Good job!