The Grief Process
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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The Grief Process
Friday, November 2, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
The Grief Process
To let ourselves wholly grieve our losses is how we surrender to the process of life and recovery. Some experts, like Patrick Carnes, call the Twelve Steps "a program for dealing with our losses, a program for dealing with our grief."
How do we grieve?
Awkwardly. Imperfectly. Usually with a great deal of resistance. Often with anger and attempts to negotiate. Ultimately, by surrendering to the pain.
The grief process, says Elisabeth Kubler Ross, is a five stage process: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and, finally, acceptance. That's how we grieve; that's how we accept; that's how we forgive; that's how we respond to the many changes life throws our way.
Although this five-step process looks tidy on paper, it is not tidy in life. We do not move through it in a compartmentalized manner. We usually flounder through, kicking and screaming, with much back and forth movement - until we reach that peaceful state called acceptance.
When we talk about "unfinished business" from our past, we are usually referring to losses about which we have not completed grieving. We're talking about being stuck somewhere in the grief process. Usually, for adult children and codependents, the place where we become stuck is denial.. Passing through denial is the first and most dangerous stage of grieving, but it is also the first step toward acceptance.
We can learn to understand the grief process and how it applies to recovery. Even good changes in recovery can bring loss and, consequently, grief. We can learn to help others and ourselves by understanding and becoming familiar with this process. We can learn to fully grieve our losses, feel our pain, accept, and forgive, so we can feel joy and love.
Today, God, help me open myself to the process of grieving my losses. Help me allow myself to flow through the grief process, accepting all the stages so I might achieve peace and acceptance in my life. Help me learn to be gentle with others and myself while we go through this very human process of healing.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
The Grief Process
To let ourselves wholly grieve our losses is how we surrender to the process of life and recovery. Some experts, like Patrick Carnes, call the Twelve Steps "a program for dealing with our losses, a program for dealing with our grief."
How do we grieve?
Awkwardly. Imperfectly. Usually with a great deal of resistance. Often with anger and attempts to negotiate. Ultimately, by surrendering to the pain.
The grief process, says Elisabeth Kubler Ross, is a five stage process: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and, finally, acceptance. That's how we grieve; that's how we accept; that's how we forgive; that's how we respond to the many changes life throws our way.
Although this five-step process looks tidy on paper, it is not tidy in life. We do not move through it in a compartmentalized manner. We usually flounder through, kicking and screaming, with much back and forth movement - until we reach that peaceful state called acceptance.
When we talk about "unfinished business" from our past, we are usually referring to losses about which we have not completed grieving. We're talking about being stuck somewhere in the grief process. Usually, for adult children and codependents, the place where we become stuck is denial.. Passing through denial is the first and most dangerous stage of grieving, but it is also the first step toward acceptance.
We can learn to understand the grief process and how it applies to recovery. Even good changes in recovery can bring loss and, consequently, grief. We can learn to help others and ourselves by understanding and becoming familiar with this process. We can learn to fully grieve our losses, feel our pain, accept, and forgive, so we can feel joy and love.
Today, God, help me open myself to the process of grieving my losses. Help me allow myself to flow through the grief process, accepting all the stages so I might achieve peace and acceptance in my life. Help me learn to be gentle with others and myself while we go through this very human process of healing.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNot 
Passing through denial is the first and most dangerous stage of grieving, but it is also the first step toward acceptance.
Overall, this passage is very powerful. Thank you for sharing, LMN.
BTW - the little Charlie Brown avatar I use reminds me of how I sometimes might look to others - pondering, trying to figure stuff out, and a little bit out there in left field, lol.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 178
Thanks for this post! It's somehow comforting to have some kind of outline of the path so many have walked before!
I kind of understand why denial can be dangerous. The denial stage is when people turn to drinking or substances to assist them in turning away from the grief. Denial is when you can race out and get involved with somebody else in an effort to numb the pain of losing the partner you love. A person in denial can be the one laughing too loud or too long. Denial of your own pain can lead to a victim becoming a perpertrator. Staying in denial can be dangerous for everyone and just complicates the grief that is already there.
It isn't alway dangerous, but it really can be dangerous to stay there.
It really isn't just a river in Africa!
I kind of understand why denial can be dangerous. The denial stage is when people turn to drinking or substances to assist them in turning away from the grief. Denial is when you can race out and get involved with somebody else in an effort to numb the pain of losing the partner you love. A person in denial can be the one laughing too loud or too long. Denial of your own pain can lead to a victim becoming a perpertrator. Staying in denial can be dangerous for everyone and just complicates the grief that is already there.
It isn't alway dangerous, but it really can be dangerous to stay there.
It really isn't just a river in Africa!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by SSHope
I keep saying that I am grieving my brother, or at least who I thought he was. I feel like I move through the anger and then I am right back there again. It is just draining.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
Thanks LMN - reading your post really hit home with me. I've been having thoughts recently and comparing them to grieving. When I read the words of the 5 cycles, I realize that I belive that for me, I've walked through all the stages and am at the beginning of acceptence. I do still have my days of going back to the feelings of anger and sadness. I just wish I didn't spend years in denial. Thanks. I needed to read these words to strengthen myself through acceptance.
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