My boyfriend feels he needs to use drugs again!!! should I stay with him?
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by RobC420 
If he doesn't want to ruin your relationship then why in the world would he tell you he needs to use drugs. You've already told him that if he uses you will leave him.
There a million 'releases' out there. Some people knit. Some people watch sports. Some people exercise. Some people swim. Some people walk their dog or paint or play with trainsets. This guy is telling you that his release must come in the form of doing drugs. That would concern me. Especially if I told him I would leave him if he used drugs.
There a million 'releases' out there. Some people knit. Some people watch sports. Some people exercise. Some people swim. Some people walk their dog or paint or play with trainsets. This guy is telling you that his release must come in the form of doing drugs. That would concern me. Especially if I told him I would leave him if he used drugs.
Thanks for the AA program advice, I just emailed a website to him.
Euphoric Recaller
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: PHX Suburbs
Posts: 371
I have a new suggestion for you. There is a recovery group called Al Anon. This group is for people who are friends and loved ones of alcoholics/addicts. They have meetings as well. Here is their website:
Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups
I would suggest you go to a meeting of Al Anon and share about your situation. You are sure to get a lot of good help/advice there.
Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups
I would suggest you go to a meeting of Al Anon and share about your situation. You are sure to get a lot of good help/advice there.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: PHX Suburbs
Posts: 371
Originally Posted by lindagirl
because we decided to discuss all our feelings openly, he mentally feels he needs it but he says he doesnt want it, he is confused, he feels frustrated, he says he hates drugs but likes it at the same time. he just shared his feeling with me and he says it's so hard for him to control his mind. he wants some help to get over it.
Thanks for the AA program advice, I just emailed a website to him.
Thanks for the AA program advice, I just emailed a website to him.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by RobC420
I don't understand that. Rehab is for people who are actively addicted to a substance and need to quit. You are positive he is not doing drugs so he would not need to go to rehab for that. You did mention him blaming his behavior on drinking. If he currently has a drinking problem, that would be reason to go to rehab.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Originally Posted by RobC420
I have a new suggestion for you. There is a recovery group called Al Anon. This group is for people who are friends and loved ones of alcoholics/addicts. They have meetings as well. Here is their website:
I would suggest you go to a meeting of Al Anon and share about your situation. You are sure to get a lot of good help/advice there.
I would suggest you go to a meeting of Al Anon and share about your situation. You are sure to get a lot of good help/advice there.
But where is it? I live in Australia.
Euphoric Recaller
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: PHX Suburbs
Posts: 371
Here is the Australia Al Anon website:
Al-Anon Family Groups Australia
Click the button on the left that says 'meetings' and see if there are any in your area.
Al-Anon Family Groups Australia
Click the button on the left that says 'meetings' and see if there are any in your area.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by lindagirl
the day after he said sorry and he said he was drunk and stupid and he is still happy to wait and i shouldnt be worried about it.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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You asked:
So, before I read your post, let me throw this back to you. If you have to ask the question, don't you think you already know the answer?
Best,
ZoSo
My boyfriend feels he needs to use drugs again!!! should I stay with him?
Best,
ZoSo
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
Make no mistake about it...alcohol is a drug.
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Originally Posted by zoso77
You asked:
So, before I read your post, let me throw this back to you. If you have to ask the question, don't you think you already know the answer?
Best,
ZoSo
So, before I read your post, let me throw this back to you. If you have to ask the question, don't you think you already know the answer?
Best,
ZoSo
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Linda,
Freedom is correct when she points out alcohol is a drug. It is considered a drug by NA, and addicts in recovery steer clear of it.
It is not my place to tell you to leave him. That's really your call. But when I read something like this, it betrays your naivety. I am not saying this to pick on you, or to be difficult. This board is full of people that, at one point or another, felt and thought exactly the way you just described. So, allow me to be clear.
You can't help him.
There is no cure.
Recovery is 100% up to the addict. And if we honestly, and selflessly, love the addict, we allow him/her the dignity to make their own choices, for good or for ill. We stay out of the way. And if they fall, they fall. We have our own lives to live, and in order to live them to the fullest, we have to accept we can't help them, and we have to protect ourselves.
Looking at your post count, I notice you're fairly new. I'm glad you found us. If you have not done so already, please read the Sticky Notes at the top of our home page, and read as many posts as you can. Knowledge is power. Take advantage.
Best,
ZoSo
Freedom is correct when she points out alcohol is a drug. It is considered a drug by NA, and addicts in recovery steer clear of it.
I am strong enough to stay with him and help him but I just need to make sure if there is really any cure for that and need to know how I can help him, if there is no way to cure him I should find a way to convince myself to leave him.
You can't help him.
There is no cure.
Recovery is 100% up to the addict. And if we honestly, and selflessly, love the addict, we allow him/her the dignity to make their own choices, for good or for ill. We stay out of the way. And if they fall, they fall. We have our own lives to live, and in order to live them to the fullest, we have to accept we can't help them, and we have to protect ourselves.
Looking at your post count, I notice you're fairly new. I'm glad you found us. If you have not done so already, please read the Sticky Notes at the top of our home page, and read as many posts as you can. Knowledge is power. Take advantage.
Best,
ZoSo
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Philadelphia, Pa..Kensington
Posts: 85
My Ex Wife is an angel, and I put the emphasis on "Ex Wife". She stood by me, relapse after relapse but she drew A line in the sand about ten months ago, and walked away with my daughter. She's still extremely supportive, and even though I am currently sober I don't have them. She knew when it was time to go, and so do you hun. Go with you heart with this one!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
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Check out these web sites:
https://www.google.com/#hl=en&sclien...w=1252&bih=585
I am sure you can find an Al anon meeting or two or more.
Love and hugs,
https://www.google.com/#hl=en&sclien...w=1252&bih=585
I am sure you can find an Al anon meeting or two or more.
Love and hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by zoso77
Linda,
It is not my place to tell you to leave him. That's really your call. But when I read something like this, it betrays your naivety. I am not saying this to pick on you, or to be difficult. This board is full of people that, at one point or another, felt and thought exactly the way you just described. So, allow me to be clear.
You can't help him.
There is no cure.
Recovery is 100% up to the addict. And if we honestly, and selflessly, love the addict, we allow him/her the dignity to make their own choices, for good or for ill. We stay out of the way. And if they fall, they fall. We have our own lives to live, and in order to live them to the fullest, we have to accept we can't help them, and we have to protect ourselves.
Looking at your post count, I notice you're fairly new. I'm glad you found us. If you have not done so already, please read the Sticky Notes at the top of our home page, and read as many posts as you can. Knowledge is power. Take advantage.
Best,
ZoSo
It is not my place to tell you to leave him. That's really your call. But when I read something like this, it betrays your naivety. I am not saying this to pick on you, or to be difficult. This board is full of people that, at one point or another, felt and thought exactly the way you just described. So, allow me to be clear.
You can't help him.
There is no cure.
Recovery is 100% up to the addict. And if we honestly, and selflessly, love the addict, we allow him/her the dignity to make their own choices, for good or for ill. We stay out of the way. And if they fall, they fall. We have our own lives to live, and in order to live them to the fullest, we have to accept we can't help them, and we have to protect ourselves.
Looking at your post count, I notice you're fairly new. I'm glad you found us. If you have not done so already, please read the Sticky Notes at the top of our home page, and read as many posts as you can. Knowledge is power. Take advantage.
Best,
ZoSo
I cant stop reading since yesterday that I found this site, I feel horrible, I really never thought I would get involved in something like this.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by ErraticEuphoria
My Ex Wife is an angel, and I put the emphasis on "Ex Wife". She stood by me, relapse after relapse but she drew A line in the sand about ten months ago, and walked away with my daughter. She's still extremely supportive, and even though I am currently sober I don't have them. She knew when it was time to go, and so do you hun. Go with you heart with this one!
why did she leave you if you are sober now?
I want him to not use drugs because I want to be with him, why should I walk away if he's clean? I'm confused!!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I never thought I'd be with an addict, either. Then suddenly I was. Long story short, she's gone, I'm relieved, and my hope is to share what I've learned. Keep an open mind. You'll need it going forward.
ZoSo
ZoSo
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by zoso77
I never thought I'd be with an addict, either. Then suddenly I was. Long story short, she's gone, I'm relieved, and my hope is to share what I've learned. Keep an open mind. You'll need it going forward.
ZoSo
ZoSo
sorry for so many questions, I just need to compare.
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Addicts will *ALWAYS* be addicts. An addict in recovery is STILL an addict they just aren't an active addict. But they could relapse at any time, especially if they don't learn to deal with problems without using.
You can't help him. You can't fix him. If love could fix an addict there would be no addicts. If their love for someone else could cure their addiction they wouldn't use. But it doesn't. Addiction is a VERY powerful thing, so powerful that it overcomes EVERYTHING else in their lives...
If he is socially acceptable now he won't be for very long. My ex managed to hold down a good job, an apartment, friends, family, a good relationship with me for a long time but eventually it spirals out of control. Once they start using that is inevitable. Something has to seriously go wrong before they realize they need to stop using. Until something wicked bad happens they think "Oh I can control this I still have a job I still have a girlfriend" they justify their use by looking at everything they haven't lost yet.
My EXABF is sitting in jail right now and he has been in and out of jail since he was fourteen years old due to drug use. And yet he thought after TEN YEARS this time would be different, he told me he justified it by thinking I still have a job, I still have a girlfriend, it's different this time I am in control.
Well guess what? He wasn't. He lost EVERYTHING. He didn't even realize he had a problem in April when get got arrested for the first time because everything worked out.
It takes a real loss, a real hit for an addict to give up drugs. My guess is if your BF is already talking about wanting to use he probably already has. Especially if he's drinking. A LOT of addicts find they need to give up the booze because it leads to using, that was certainly the case for my EXABF
There is ZERO way for you to cure him. You just can't do it. He needs to do it himself he needs to commit himself to NA and WORK at his recovery.
It's not about you being strong enough it's about HIM being strong enough
I thought I was strong enough but he wore me down. And now I hurt like hell. I mean he put me through hell. That's what addicts do. They wear you down and they lie and they cheat and its EXHAUSINTING all you did is worry and cry and try and convince yourself it'll all be okay but it never is. It's never okay. Every time they go out you wonder are they using? Will he overdose? Will he cheat on me ? Will he commit a crime?
He will not be the same man that he is when he's high. And the deeper and deeper he gets into the drugs the more he'll lose sense of himself.
When my boyfriend was clean and sober and in a good place he was the most romantic, compassionate, loving guy you could imagine. When the drugs took over he was abusive and manipulative and he hurt me.
I never would have thought he would have said or done thing he did once he started using and I am just now starting to realize that the man I grew to love and know was taken away by drugs.
Most addicts want to quit but they just can't imagine their lives without it. Many tell themselves to day is the last day but between the physical and the psychological dependence they CAN'T. It's not all about desire it's about action. And it's the action that many addicts struggle with.
The addict mind is damn good at tricking you into thinking everything is going to be okay and that you can just take one more hit and it'll be fine.
Your addict isn't special, he's the same as other addicts. And your relationship is the same too chances are it will end up just like all relationships with addicts do and that means pain for you.
You said he was 27? May I ask how old you are? I am 23 & I was with a 28 year old addict who was 27 when we started dating so I may be able to relate to your situation a bit.
You can't help him. You can't fix him. If love could fix an addict there would be no addicts. If their love for someone else could cure their addiction they wouldn't use. But it doesn't. Addiction is a VERY powerful thing, so powerful that it overcomes EVERYTHING else in their lives...
If he is socially acceptable now he won't be for very long. My ex managed to hold down a good job, an apartment, friends, family, a good relationship with me for a long time but eventually it spirals out of control. Once they start using that is inevitable. Something has to seriously go wrong before they realize they need to stop using. Until something wicked bad happens they think "Oh I can control this I still have a job I still have a girlfriend" they justify their use by looking at everything they haven't lost yet.
My EXABF is sitting in jail right now and he has been in and out of jail since he was fourteen years old due to drug use. And yet he thought after TEN YEARS this time would be different, he told me he justified it by thinking I still have a job, I still have a girlfriend, it's different this time I am in control.
Well guess what? He wasn't. He lost EVERYTHING. He didn't even realize he had a problem in April when get got arrested for the first time because everything worked out.
It takes a real loss, a real hit for an addict to give up drugs. My guess is if your BF is already talking about wanting to use he probably already has. Especially if he's drinking. A LOT of addicts find they need to give up the booze because it leads to using, that was certainly the case for my EXABF
There is ZERO way for you to cure him. You just can't do it. He needs to do it himself he needs to commit himself to NA and WORK at his recovery.
It's not about you being strong enough it's about HIM being strong enough
I thought I was strong enough but he wore me down. And now I hurt like hell. I mean he put me through hell. That's what addicts do. They wear you down and they lie and they cheat and its EXHAUSINTING all you did is worry and cry and try and convince yourself it'll all be okay but it never is. It's never okay. Every time they go out you wonder are they using? Will he overdose? Will he cheat on me ? Will he commit a crime?
He will not be the same man that he is when he's high. And the deeper and deeper he gets into the drugs the more he'll lose sense of himself.
When my boyfriend was clean and sober and in a good place he was the most romantic, compassionate, loving guy you could imagine. When the drugs took over he was abusive and manipulative and he hurt me.
I never would have thought he would have said or done thing he did once he started using and I am just now starting to realize that the man I grew to love and know was taken away by drugs.
Most addicts want to quit but they just can't imagine their lives without it. Many tell themselves to day is the last day but between the physical and the psychological dependence they CAN'T. It's not all about desire it's about action. And it's the action that many addicts struggle with.
The addict mind is damn good at tricking you into thinking everything is going to be okay and that you can just take one more hit and it'll be fine.
Your addict isn't special, he's the same as other addicts. And your relationship is the same too chances are it will end up just like all relationships with addicts do and that means pain for you.
You said he was 27? May I ask how old you are? I am 23 & I was with a 28 year old addict who was 27 when we started dating so I may be able to relate to your situation a bit.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful
You said he was 27? May I ask how old you are? I am 23 & I was with a 28 year old addict who was 27 when we started dating so I may be able to relate to your situation a bit.
thanks for your comment. I will go see a counsellor, and also I will talk to his parents ( they are both psychologists) to decide what I'm going to do. it has been only four months and I think I'm able to manage my feelings now and be logical. he means so much to me but I really don't want to get hurt.
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