Confused
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Confused
Update on my life...
I have been reading a lot about addiction, watched some videos where they used brain scans on non addict brains vs addict brains etc... it became obvious to me that IMO addiction a brain disease. I know many may not agree. I have a much better understanding of why they do what they do which has helped tremendously in my not taking it personal.
When I asked AH to move I was mad actually mad is not even a strong enough word for it. I am thinking about asking him to come home is that totally stupid?
I didn't know before to say what you mean and mean what you say...
There are various reasons I would like him home, some of which are he does help with bills, I do love him (yes I know I can't fix him), I now have coping skills I didn't have before meetings and SR. I want too try and save my marriage. I feel I can stay on my own side of the fence now and before there was no way.
So I guess I am asking for any opinions no matter how harsh.
The reason I titled this confused is I really don't know how one would usually handle this seeing how it came about that i asked him to leave.
I know it has to be my decision but would really appreciate feedback.
I have been reading a lot about addiction, watched some videos where they used brain scans on non addict brains vs addict brains etc... it became obvious to me that IMO addiction a brain disease. I know many may not agree. I have a much better understanding of why they do what they do which has helped tremendously in my not taking it personal.
When I asked AH to move I was mad actually mad is not even a strong enough word for it. I am thinking about asking him to come home is that totally stupid?
I didn't know before to say what you mean and mean what you say...
There are various reasons I would like him home, some of which are he does help with bills, I do love him (yes I know I can't fix him), I now have coping skills I didn't have before meetings and SR. I want too try and save my marriage. I feel I can stay on my own side of the fence now and before there was no way.
So I guess I am asking for any opinions no matter how harsh.
The reason I titled this confused is I really don't know how one would usually handle this seeing how it came about that i asked him to leave.
I know it has to be my decision but would really appreciate feedback.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I want too try and save my marriage.
Sure he may help with the bills, for a while, but as this affliction (disease) PROGRESSES there will be no money from him. Also, bringing him back into the home, no matter how well prepared you believe you are, you will end up ONE MORE TIME, SUCKED RIGHT BACK IN and be back on the CRAZY TRAIN and the ROLLER COASTER.
You asked for our opinions.
Here is mine. This is NOT a good idea for you and your state of mine, and your peace and serenity.
If and when he finds recovery and is working a STRONG program, no matter what program he chooses, (AA, SMART, NA, AVRT, etc) and has been doing so for at least a year, would be the time to see if the marriage is fixable.
You asked .......................................
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Angie
I love my son too. I would like to have a relationship with him but it's difficult (if not impossible). I prefer to love him from afar because living with him (or seeing too much of him for that matter) sends me right back into codependent patterns. My recovery is too important to me to risk that......I've come to enjoy and cherish my serenity.
An addict has two "entities" living inside of them....the people we love and the addict. The addict cannot see more than about six inches from their face. They will make promises they can't keep. They will say things they don't mean. But even THEY believe it when they say it. And they will frustrate the living heck out of us because we "expect" them to act like something (someone) they are not.
As you said, this is ultimately your decision and you get to live with it....we do not. You know we are here for you and will love you unconditionally as you wrestle with your choices...whatever they may be.
We all have to do what we have to do to settle the conflict in our own minds and hearts.
gentle hugs
ke
I love my son too. I would like to have a relationship with him but it's difficult (if not impossible). I prefer to love him from afar because living with him (or seeing too much of him for that matter) sends me right back into codependent patterns. My recovery is too important to me to risk that......I've come to enjoy and cherish my serenity.
An addict has two "entities" living inside of them....the people we love and the addict. The addict cannot see more than about six inches from their face. They will make promises they can't keep. They will say things they don't mean. But even THEY believe it when they say it. And they will frustrate the living heck out of us because we "expect" them to act like something (someone) they are not.
As you said, this is ultimately your decision and you get to live with it....we do not. You know we are here for you and will love you unconditionally as you wrestle with your choices...whatever they may be.
We all have to do what we have to do to settle the conflict in our own minds and hearts.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((crazybabie)) - I stuck with a relationship for what I thought were the "good things" and ignored the bad....for more than 20 years. Being an RA, I can tell you my first year in recovery was one helluva rollercoaster of emotions. From what I understand, he hasn't even started that.
I know how bad financial difficulties are, trust me. I'm out of a job right now and squeezing out my financial aid from school just to pay bills. However, if someone came along that could help me BUT had a problem with addiction, I'd say "not no, but HE!! no". Remember, my only relationships have all 3 been with A's.
It's okay to be stressed about money, or at least I think it is...even normal people do that.
I also know that when I acted out of anger, it was way easier than the second-guessing that came along later.
Since I'm in recovery for both addiction and codependency, I THINK I've learned something. Give it a year, work YOUR recovery to the best you can. If you still feel the same way after a year, then re-evaluate. If you guys were meant to be together, well..he'll work HIS recovery, you'll work YOURS, and you may come back together with a greater appreciation.
Seriously? I wouldn't touch an A. I wouldn't touch an RA without some serious time in recovery. I know how our minds think, I know how long it took me, WORKING RECOVERY, to get past the re-wiring of my brain. It took work, a few hissy-fits, anger, and all that stuff.
I know you will do what you feel is best, but I really do hope you give yourself a chance at working through your own life and dealing with all the emotions and reconsider. You deserve a life without chaos. He MAY help pay bills, he MAY blow all the money on dope.
You left for a reason. Maybe go back to your posts when you were so angry and see if HE has done anything to change. My guess is, he hasn't.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I know how bad financial difficulties are, trust me. I'm out of a job right now and squeezing out my financial aid from school just to pay bills. However, if someone came along that could help me BUT had a problem with addiction, I'd say "not no, but HE!! no". Remember, my only relationships have all 3 been with A's.
It's okay to be stressed about money, or at least I think it is...even normal people do that.
I also know that when I acted out of anger, it was way easier than the second-guessing that came along later.
Since I'm in recovery for both addiction and codependency, I THINK I've learned something. Give it a year, work YOUR recovery to the best you can. If you still feel the same way after a year, then re-evaluate. If you guys were meant to be together, well..he'll work HIS recovery, you'll work YOURS, and you may come back together with a greater appreciation.
Seriously? I wouldn't touch an A. I wouldn't touch an RA without some serious time in recovery. I know how our minds think, I know how long it took me, WORKING RECOVERY, to get past the re-wiring of my brain. It took work, a few hissy-fits, anger, and all that stuff.
I know you will do what you feel is best, but I really do hope you give yourself a chance at working through your own life and dealing with all the emotions and reconsider. You deserve a life without chaos. He MAY help pay bills, he MAY blow all the money on dope.
You left for a reason. Maybe go back to your posts when you were so angry and see if HE has done anything to change. My guess is, he hasn't.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Nothing has changed.
He is still an addict. He is still selfish. He will still lie to you and use you and hurt you.
Do you want that? I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to walk away from someone after 20 years together.
But you did it for a reason
Go back and read your own posts, about all the things he did to you, how angry he made you…he can’t give you what you need. Things won’t ever feel the same with him again.
He needs time to work on his recovery and you need time to work on yours. If nothing has really changed with how you view and feel about yourself and nothing has changed with his addiction or commitment to recovery NOTHING will be different in your relationship.
I honestly think getting back with him now would hurt both of you. If he is trying to get clean he doesn’t have the time, energy or emotional capacity for a relationship.
And honestly you seem like a wonderful, kind, intelligent, compassionate women and I think you deserve a hell of a lot better then a guy who has hurt you like your AH.
I know you love him and want to be with him and want to lie to yourself and tell yourself you could be happy with him. But the only way to be happy with an addict is to take what they say at face value. To forget that they lie all the time… and you shouldn’t do that.
I would give it some time. Get some distance. Build up yours self-esteem and learn to depend on no one but you. Let him work on himself. When you’re BOTH further into your recovery you can revaluate.
But for now I think you really need to stay separated. It might hurt like hell but it’s what is best for both of you.
He is still an addict. He is still selfish. He will still lie to you and use you and hurt you.
Do you want that? I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to walk away from someone after 20 years together.
But you did it for a reason
Go back and read your own posts, about all the things he did to you, how angry he made you…he can’t give you what you need. Things won’t ever feel the same with him again.
He needs time to work on his recovery and you need time to work on yours. If nothing has really changed with how you view and feel about yourself and nothing has changed with his addiction or commitment to recovery NOTHING will be different in your relationship.
I honestly think getting back with him now would hurt both of you. If he is trying to get clean he doesn’t have the time, energy or emotional capacity for a relationship.
And honestly you seem like a wonderful, kind, intelligent, compassionate women and I think you deserve a hell of a lot better then a guy who has hurt you like your AH.
I know you love him and want to be with him and want to lie to yourself and tell yourself you could be happy with him. But the only way to be happy with an addict is to take what they say at face value. To forget that they lie all the time… and you shouldn’t do that.
I would give it some time. Get some distance. Build up yours self-esteem and learn to depend on no one but you. Let him work on himself. When you’re BOTH further into your recovery you can revaluate.
But for now I think you really need to stay separated. It might hurt like hell but it’s what is best for both of you.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He is not clean and sober, he is not working a recovery program, you are putting your rose colored glasses....yet again.
So what if he is paying some of the bills? You can love him forever without living with him. And...you are only beginning your recovery from codependency and your coping skills....well...perhaps rereading some of your posts might help in determining where you
stand in that area.
It is your decision, it is your life, do what you think is best for you, me...there is no way that I would let him back in my life....I would continue to work on me and get my life together, both financially and emotionally.
Just my opinion...I wish you the best.
So what if he is paying some of the bills? You can love him forever without living with him. And...you are only beginning your recovery from codependency and your coping skills....well...perhaps rereading some of your posts might help in determining where you
stand in that area.
It is your decision, it is your life, do what you think is best for you, me...there is no way that I would let him back in my life....I would continue to work on me and get my life together, both financially and emotionally.
Just my opinion...I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
You don't hve to decide anything right now. Take your time. It does make things more difficult to detatch, I believe, if we look at addiction as a real disorder. Somehow thinking they really can't control it, makes it more pitiful and makes us feel like maybe we should do more, bring them home, etc.
Pray for wisdom. What is really best? Will it change anything? Take it slowly. You've got people here to support you. We care.
Pray for wisdom. What is really best? Will it change anything? Take it slowly. You've got people here to support you. We care.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I just have to comment on the addiction-is-a-disease comment. Yes, I do believe it is a disease. However, I know most people who are diagnosed with a disease are pro-active at doing what they can to treat the disease.
((CB)) - he isn't doing this. It's easy to say "I have a disease" and expect people to fall over themselves taking care of you.
I have the disease of addiction. I would not be where I am if it weren't for my loved ones saying "had enough..do what you're going to do". A few jail stents, 5-1/2 months in a diversion center, being placed on "first offender" status meaning I could NOT get another charge or it would be a felony. For whatever reason, when I relapsed and was pulled over by the cops SIX times (and they found my probation schedule) I was not charged. Dad was about to call my PO and I was going to prison.
That's when I said "I can't do this anymore". Almost 5-1/2 years later, I'm extremely grateful for everyone who MADE me deal with my consequences.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
((CB)) - he isn't doing this. It's easy to say "I have a disease" and expect people to fall over themselves taking care of you.
I have the disease of addiction. I would not be where I am if it weren't for my loved ones saying "had enough..do what you're going to do". A few jail stents, 5-1/2 months in a diversion center, being placed on "first offender" status meaning I could NOT get another charge or it would be a felony. For whatever reason, when I relapsed and was pulled over by the cops SIX times (and they found my probation schedule) I was not charged. Dad was about to call my PO and I was going to prison.
That's when I said "I can't do this anymore". Almost 5-1/2 years later, I'm extremely grateful for everyone who MADE me deal with my consequences.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Angie,
Come what may,your SR friends will be here
for you.
There are times I want back in the 'hero' game,
rushing about madly and secretly to 'help' my 'friend' .
No challenge I can't meet, no boogie man of hers I
could not slay with $.......
What would you counsel me to do? All I know is
that whenever I think short term I mess up.When I take
the long view.....things turn out better.I think that is one
trait I share with all of humanity.
I love animals,especially my beloved dog. But as
much as I love my dog-- she is dumb.Can't think about
future events....only what is in front of her face.
If I offered her a 30% adjustable mortgage ( and
a steak!) ...... Vs a 3% fixed ( with no steak)-- do I have
ANY doubt which one she'd pick?
No.
True story ......."I can get you 40 now or 500
next week".I was not messing with her---that really WAS
the case!
Guess which one she picked?
We are human.Sometimes we fall short.But
unlike animals......we can think.The capacity is there.
It's there every time you look in the mirror and say
"what reality do I choose to create today?"
Come what may,your SR friends will be here
for you.
There are times I want back in the 'hero' game,
rushing about madly and secretly to 'help' my 'friend' .
No challenge I can't meet, no boogie man of hers I
could not slay with $.......
What would you counsel me to do? All I know is
that whenever I think short term I mess up.When I take
the long view.....things turn out better.I think that is one
trait I share with all of humanity.
I love animals,especially my beloved dog. But as
much as I love my dog-- she is dumb.Can't think about
future events....only what is in front of her face.
If I offered her a 30% adjustable mortgage ( and
a steak!) ...... Vs a 3% fixed ( with no steak)-- do I have
ANY doubt which one she'd pick?
No.
True story ......."I can get you 40 now or 500
next week".I was not messing with her---that really WAS
the case!
Guess which one she picked?
We are human.Sometimes we fall short.But
unlike animals......we can think.The capacity is there.
It's there every time you look in the mirror and say
"what reality do I choose to create today?"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Thanks, everyone for yanking me back into reality I have decided to take time and consider my thinking and go from there after all like some said I do not have to decide today.
I really thought I was doing so much better now I feel addicted to my addict again
He has been over a few times and I should not have let him in the house I am pretty sure that is what has happened I got my "fix" and want it again ughhhh...
I so HATE drugs.
I really thought I was doing so much better now I feel addicted to my addict again
He has been over a few times and I should not have let him in the house I am pretty sure that is what has happened I got my "fix" and want it again ughhhh...
I so HATE drugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Addiction is a disease of the brain so it is OK to let an addict back in the home???? I think you are latching onto an excuse to let him back in so you can return to the financial security he provided. I can understand that, but if money is what ou need from him find a women's center and see if you can get free or low cost legal aid and get him for spousal support. But don't let the chaos back in.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Honestly, with you, it seems to be more about your inability to live without him in your life, than his addiction itself. You have been with him since you were a young teen...and..can't figure out how to live your life on its own terms...without him...taking care of yourself.
I may be way off track, however, that is the impression I get from your posts.
In any case, I agree, sit back and think everything through, then make your decision.
I may be way off track, however, that is the impression I get from your posts.
In any case, I agree, sit back and think everything through, then make your decision.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Originally Posted by FindingErica 
Addiction is a disease of the brain so it is OK to let an addict back in the home???? I think you are latching onto an excuse to let him back in so you can return to the financial security he provided. I can understand that, but if money is what ou need from him find a women's center and see if you can get free or low cost legal aid and get him for spousal support. But don't let the chaos back in.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Originally Posted by dollydo
Honestly, with you, it seems to be more about your inability to live without him in your life, than his addiction itself. You have been with him since you were a young teen...and..can't figure out how to live your life on its own terms...without him...taking care of yourself.
I may be way off track, however, that is the impression I get from your posts.
In any case, I agree, sit back and think everything through, then make your decision.
I may be way off track, however, that is the impression I get from your posts.
In any case, I agree, sit back and think everything through, then make your decision.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: monroe michigan
Posts: 35
Didn't read many responses, but.... I miss my husband so much. I want him in my arms so bad. We have had little contact. He has been clean for over 2 months and I want him back in our lives. Then yesterday I asked if he wanted to go to the waterpark with me and the kids. He said yes with enthusiasm. (Figured it would be a good test if we could get through a day with out bringing up past events) Well I call him this morning at 10am he is still in bed and says he is not going. Felt like my reality just slapped me in the face. Even though it is nice to have him around for certain things and as much as I want to finish what I started (marriage). I realize that my happiness and my kids happiness is much more important. That let down after let down still does not out way the positive joyful miniscul moments him and I shared. Financially my life is in termoil. The income (if he ever gets back to work) would be most helpful and a roof over my head that is not shared with siblings seems worth the hurt. But its just not. It took me 8 years to figure out that I am worth it, that I can live without him (even tho I don't want to) and that my kids will be better not having him in there everyday. For my AH is unpredictable and unstable.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by crazybabie
Thanks, everyone for yanking me back into reality I have decided to take time and consider my thinking and go from there after all like some said I do not have to decide today.
I really thought I was doing so much better now I feel addicted to my addict again
He has been over a few times and I should not have let him in the house I am pretty sure that is what has happened I got my "fix" and want it again ughhhh...
I so HATE drugs.
I really thought I was doing so much better now I feel addicted to my addict again
He has been over a few times and I should not have let him in the house I am pretty sure that is what has happened I got my "fix" and want it again ughhhh...
I so HATE drugs.
Learning to live alone after being with a partner for 30+ years....since you were KIDS....wouldn't be easy for ANYONE. Maybe if you approached this from a "grief" standpoint rather than an "addiction" standpoint you would gain some ground. Know what I mean? I'm probably not making sense. I mean, if you read books, got support and therapy as moving through the stages of grief and loss, rather than "learning how to live with an addict" you might make more satisfactory progress? Or maybe the problem is that you haven't yet accepted that it IS a loss. You've left the door open just a wee bit? That's OK, y'know....it's not a black and white world we live in. We come to these realizations in baby steps...not huge leaps.
Have you gone back to read all of your posts? ...to be reminded of the heartache that is so easily overshadowed by the human need for companionship.
We're here. I hope it helps.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
tjp, No I haven't went back and read my post I need to do that I am sure I will find some insight there.
I don't know how to move on just like Dolly said she is 100% right. I drag myself to my meeting as much as I can this da^m agoraphobia isn't helping. I was talking with my therapist she is such a good woman we, were discussing the agoraphobia my last 2 appts. with her have had to be on the phone.
Everyone in my life is an addict plain and simple so that leaves me and I have been secluded so many years I only have 1 friend and she lives out of town and is sick from her own decision to drink during her life.
Next month I plan on joining the wellness center and making myself go if I have money paid for something I usually can manage to make myself not always but more times than not they do a lipid panel, metabolism test, fitness test and set up a plan for you.
This will be my birthday present to myself they have a 1/2 price special until the end of September I am worth that there is no contract which is good for me seeing my income is disability.
I never open my doors or blinds, haven't in over 15 years I feel like I am a vampire seriously I only like going outside at night.
I need some serious help I have my therapist and my psychiatrist so I have to be the problem I do take my meds like I am suppose to sometimes I think about not taking them because then I wouldn't care but I have been there before and do not wanna be back there again.
I need to figure out how to move on in life with my own identity Angie has no clue who Angie is and no clue how to start finding out.
Tjp, your right I need to look at this as grief and I feel it is I know he something happened to him today I would have to move on and I would be OK in time.
I did this to myself I own that I need to not allow him back in the house even for talks because when I do it starts all over again.
thanks for letting me ramble.
I don't know how to move on just like Dolly said she is 100% right. I drag myself to my meeting as much as I can this da^m agoraphobia isn't helping. I was talking with my therapist she is such a good woman we, were discussing the agoraphobia my last 2 appts. with her have had to be on the phone.
Everyone in my life is an addict plain and simple so that leaves me and I have been secluded so many years I only have 1 friend and she lives out of town and is sick from her own decision to drink during her life.
Next month I plan on joining the wellness center and making myself go if I have money paid for something I usually can manage to make myself not always but more times than not they do a lipid panel, metabolism test, fitness test and set up a plan for you.
This will be my birthday present to myself they have a 1/2 price special until the end of September I am worth that there is no contract which is good for me seeing my income is disability.
I never open my doors or blinds, haven't in over 15 years I feel like I am a vampire seriously I only like going outside at night.
I need some serious help I have my therapist and my psychiatrist so I have to be the problem I do take my meds like I am suppose to sometimes I think about not taking them because then I wouldn't care but I have been there before and do not wanna be back there again.
I need to figure out how to move on in life with my own identity Angie has no clue who Angie is and no clue how to start finding out.
Tjp, your right I need to look at this as grief and I feel it is I know he something happened to him today I would have to move on and I would be OK in time.
I did this to myself I own that I need to not allow him back in the house even for talks because when I do it starts all over again.
thanks for letting me ramble.
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