librarylady

I try to read these posts daily-they do help me so much. I always describe myself as being on a roller coaster. This week I had a few teary-eyed days but the last two days I've felt "normal". It's like I block all the "stuff" out (my son and his addiction) and can actually have a good day. The problem is that I feel somehow guilty or wrong for having good days. How can I feel good when my son's life is falling apart and worse than I could ever imagine? I'm sure there is a term for my thoughts. I just wanted to share. Just writing my feelings down helps me and the responses I get are worth so much.

Ilovemysonjj

Hello LL, the good days are for your inner peace. Don't feel guilty. God has given me that internal ability to block out and I have had many a good day, even in the light of JJ's meltdown. Guilt is not an emotion that supports faith or hope.
And remember, letting go of your son is part of the process.
Hugs,
Teresa

candi7

Al Anon or Nar Anon would do you so much good. You may be codependent and those 2 meetings can help you to deal with that. You've done the best that you could as a mother, YES we all make mistakes, but he's made some bad decisions in life... And it's so hard when we love our kids to just stand back.. I hope the best for you too, but do what you are already doing, take good care of yourself and if you could-go to those meetings..

FindingErica

Survivor guilt, would probably be the closest term.

You still have a life to lead even in the midst of you AS's poor choices.

Kindeyes

I use to feel guilty too. So much so that I would stay in turmoil to alleviate the guilt. It seemed less painful that way. The score at that point was me=0 addiction=2.

My son is on his journey. It is not the journey I would have chosen for him. Letting go was hard....and I still struggle with it from time to time. But I have a life to live too and maybe....just maybe......if I live it in a serene and joyful manner......I'll certainly feel better and who knows.......he may follow my lead.

The term for those thoughts is martyr. That was a tough term for me to swallow when it was brought to my attention. I found it insulting. But the more I thought about it.....the more I realized that I was martyring my life for my son and it wasn't doing a bit of good for him or for me. Worse than that.....my martyrdom was harming the healthy relationships in my life.

Take care of you. You're worth it.

gentle hugs
ke

Ilovemysonjj

Ditto KE for me as well. Martyring is the exact term.
Thanks KE!

washbe2

This has always been an issue for me, too. How can this mom enjoy anything when son is so messed up? I've found that often it isn't easy to just do it. But when I take the initiative to just get started, I allow my mind to ease and enjoy what I'm doing. It's the getting started that is hard.

If I do photography in the midst of a crisis, my sister will ask how in the world I got through that. But after I'm started, I don't even think about AS, as much as I love him.
Though I would give my life for my son if it would change him, I don't like to think of it as being martyr - just a mom's love. It's natural instinct. Some of it may be how we grew up, too. My mom was a fixer, put up with junk from my dad because she had no other way to support her children. We can't forsake our other relationships doing foolish things for our addicts. They worry about us, too.

The father of the prodigal son allowed him to make his own choices though unwise ones. They rejoiced when he returned with a different attitude, but carried on with life while he was away. Life does goes on.

Freedom1990

Yep, that was what I was going to suggest also.

I had that when I got clean/sober, and my now EXAH decided not to embrace sobriety.

I also struggled with that in regard to my 34-year-old AD, but I have worked through it.

I have learned to be my own best friend these days. I have compassion for myself (which was a totally foreign concept).

There is no medal for martyrs. Sadly my mother has worried about everything under the sun for so long that her mental and physical health are rapidly deteriorating. That is painful for me.

The greatest gift you can give yourself and your son is to lead by example. Continue to progress in your own recovery, and show him what it's like to be happy and healthy in recovery.

Sending you hugs of support on the damp Kansas winds!

GardenMama

Librarylady! Glad to see your post. I have been wondering about you...

Good days give us the strength to handle the bad days, so count yourself lucky to have some! No guilt, please!

A good friend of mine came to town this weekend and one of our favorite things to do is to go visit gardens and arboretums and other such places. We spent three hours today at one 20 miles from my house and even when we were talking about sad and hurtful things--my daughter, and for her the recent loss of a good friend to cancer--somehow the lovely surroundings and each other's company made it all the more bearable.

We are here for you, not only for your bad days but for the good ones as well., We all need each other to have good days, too!

Wishing you all the best.

Amy