lightseeker

no surprise here I guess....just found out that my estranged husband is back to using crack again and is also taking adderal.

It just makes me sad. I am reminding myself that I can't control it, cure it - nor have I caused it. He was the one that did not work a program that allowed him to keep his sobriety. Still....it's heartbreaking.

Of course, I'm getting the sobbing phone calls about "just be my friend", "you're all that I have or care about", "can't I just call you and let you know how I am doing?", "I don't want to live if you cut me off"....etc etc.

I know not to buy into that - it still hurts to hear though. My boundaries are completely back in place now so I'm not worried about that happening again. It had been awhile since he tried to interact and I think that my phone block needs re-upping every 90 days and I must have let it lapse. I realize that that is just the addict doing what the addict does. I've offered to take him to mental health/the ER but that's it. I know that there is nothing else for me to do.

The biggest moral dilemma that I have is that he has his two sons (ages 14 and 17) are staying with him a lot. Their mother (his ex wife) has no idea that he has relapsed. I'm sure that if I told her he would deny it, claim I was making things up, crazy etc. He's pretty convincing. So, I guess that I have the answer to my own question....it wouldn't matter. At least he is generally not driving them around that much. Still...if anything happens to them while in the car with him will I regret not having at least attempted to let someone know that there is a safety risk?

That really is the only sticking point that I have about all of this. I realize that whether he makes it or not is not up to me or in my control. Right now, I'm just concerned for his kids and would appreciate any advice of how to handle this.

BTW....he is a real estate photographer and she owns the most successful agency in my city. If she knows then he is likely to lose his business. Which I also know that he will lose anyway due to the progression of this disease.

Oh yuck - and do I need to say it again.....how much I hate addiction?

GardenMama

Lightseeker,

I would be as concerned about the boys as you are, and even if he tells her you are lying, you know you are telling the truth, and that would be easier to live with than second-guessing how your telling will be interpreted. (Not the most articulate of sentences, but you know what I mean.) Be strong. Be true to yourself. Seems like you already are and know what to do. Thanks for sharing your dilemma. It strengthens all of us.

Faithlove

I'm sorry to hear you're having to go through this. It is heartbreaking to watch someone you care about be so self-destructive. I have the same step-child issue. I think their mothers have a right to know about what their children are being exposed to. That's easier said than done because I don't like to rock the boat. However, I'd never be able to forgive myself if the stepchild wound up hurt and I could have assisted the mother in setting a boundary for her child. Good luck with your decision.

YearForMe

I know you feel the need to report....but, they are HER kids..HER responsibility....and she should be paying attention.

Stay away and don't play.....

EJG123

Lightseeker- IMO you should tell his ex for the sake of the kids. You don't know how his business will be impacted because she may not wish to cause extra trouble for the father of her kids. But, she has an obligation to make sure her kids are safe, and if I were her, I'd want to know. If she does not believe you then that is on her. If your ex is mad then he should not have told you about it. Just my two cents.

Ilovemysonjj

Hi LS, I think telling the ex is okay if you don't try to control the outcome. You may set up the conversation up front that you are not offering to intervene or support his addiction, you are simply concerned for her childrens well being and let her take it from there. Think in terms you don't want the kids being exposed to that lifestyle either, they are at a very impressionable age.
TT

lightseeker

thanks everyone - he didn't tell me....he was "outed" by his current (now ex) girlfriend. He confirmed it though. I'm honestly worried that he might try and hurt me or my children if I tell his 1st wife. He was abusive to me which is why I left him. He attempted to strangle me once - I left him then but I stupidly allowed him back - and then last year he threw a plate at me so hard that it splintered the dry wall 1 foot above my head and shattered. That was the last straw.

She knows his history due to dealing with his addiction herself for many years. She knew that he was sober with me and when we split up - she even told me that she knew he was probably going to relapse. So....she is aware.

It's likely that he is going to go into a flaming/full on binge now that he and new GF are done and he knows that I won't have anything to do with him. Luckily, his boys are old enough to not be "stuck" if they are around him and would leave if they noticed any thing.

I guess that it really does boil down to the fact that I am concerned for my own safety should I have any communication with his ex. In the past, I have tried to tell her things and she has seen me as the enemy and not believed me.

Gosh....this taps so into my "shame" issues. How could I have been sooooooo gullible and stupid as to have become involved with him? I was (am?) smarter than that and still....look at what I did.

laurie6781

(((((lightseeker)))))

Please stop beating yourself up. I have a tidbit for you.

A's are the best CON PEOPLE there are. High or clean, drunk or sober, they make the
best used car salespeople and can sell freezers to Eskimos in the Artic.

A's do NOT have relationships, they TAKE HOSTAGES.

I know, I did too, when I was still out there using and abusing many years ago.


A's are golden tongued and can manipulate others to believe what they want the
person to believe.

It has happened to probably 99% of of us on these boards, myself included not to
long ago.

You would think that I would KNOW. Being an A myself, albeit in recovery a long
time and also in recovery from my codependency for almost as long, but NOPE I
got a call from a very old boyfriend, one I had not seen in 43 years and it was a
devastating breakup to me, as it was our 'parents' that broke us up. It took me
10 MONTHS of 2010 to figure out that he was a FULL BLOWN ALCOHOLIC with all
the BS that comes with it. Sheesh

So, please do NOT feel shame for something that you had no knowledge of in the
beginning. You were DUPED by a PRO. A very sick, jackass PRO, but still a PRO.

As the step boys are older, and the ex wife knows of his addictions, I do believe
you would just be stepping into another mine field by telling her. I am sure her
sons will let her know that 'dad' is acting 'funny' again.

Please go back and read some of the wonderful ES&H you have so freely shared
here with others, and apply it to yourself. You are an integral part of this forum
and you have nothing to be ashamed of. If anything, this experience has made
you an even stronger woman with lots of good experience to share.

Lots of love and bunches of hugs,

GardenMama

"Please go back and read some of the wonderful ES&H you have so freely shared here with others, and apply it to yourself. You are an integral part of this forum and you have nothing to be ashamed of. If anything, this experience has made you an even stronger woman with lots of good experience to share."

LS, You are clearly a wise and thoughtful woman! Take heed of what Laurie said!

And I'd like to retract my suggestion to talk to his ex...Best to back off and not involve yourself in ANY way since there has been a history of abuse.

Stay safe, please.

zoso77

I really feel for you. That's got to be an awful feeling. But, as you said, you're powerless here. If you told the mother of his children about his relapse, you'd open up a can of worms and potentially make yourself vulnerable in the process. You're vulnerable enough right now feeling the way you are.

As for what you can do...I've always found that sharing at meetings is helpful. The giving and receiving of support is highly therapeutic. The board is great, but there are times when we have to share what we're going through in person with people that may have been through what we have been.

Lastly, pray. Pray for him, his children, their mother, and perhaps most importantly, pray for yourself. Ask God to take some of the pain off your shoulders. Sometimes we can't handle it. But He can, and if you ask Him, He'll be there.

Be safe and be strong.

ZoSo

amaslow

If the kids were very young. I think the obligation to inform his ex would be an issue, but at their age, I would leave it alone.. Pray for them all and DETACH..

lightseeker

thank you so much everyone....all of your ESH helps me way more than you know. I've talked to a number of my program "peeps" this afternoon and they are all echoing your sentiments.

I told him today that I am filling for divorce which means he will lose his health insurance benefits through me. With him in activie addiction, the financial repercussions are just WAY to great to continue that. I've also blocked him so at least I have peace from further contact. One of my fears (see....I KNOW that I shouldn't go there but I obviously have some more work to do...) I work in a surgical/trauma ICU and recognize that someday I'm likely to see him there - if he survives this. That leaves me a little shaky but I trust the strength of this program to take those steps if I should ever need that help.

It's just so sad....as we hung up he told me that I was essentially handing him a death sentence by not saying that I would be there if he "really" worked a recovery. I'm sorry - I'm just done. He is a chronic relapser and I will always hold out hope for him and always pray for him. But....no more front row seats for me. FOG at its finest but boy - it's powerful stuff.....

One of the growth aspects for me of this situation is that his recent GF (the one that outed him to me) is someone that has worked an Alanon program for 20 years and holds one of the committee rep spots and sponsors a lot of people. She went into a relationship with him fully aware of his active drug use. She even sat there with him while he smoked crack. Now she wants to hurt him for "using her"...... It is with great humility and compassion that I look at this whole situation...I don't mean to sound smug. I've learned that even the strongest of us can falter and that it is a mistake to not only judge people that have issues but also - not to place people on pedastals that I think have it all figured out. I've learned how truly human we all are and how easily we can all relapse.....

Anyway....I dreaded the day that I would learn that he had relapsed and here it is. It is with great sadness that I write that.....and it is why I am grateful to the fullest extent of the word that I ended up working the program that I wished that he had.....I didn't have my fairy tale ending that I so wanted but I've ended up surviving a truly horrible experience. Worse for the wear but grateful nonetheless.....

StillLearning1

Light... it's difficult for me to even reply to that one. (I would break too many of SR's rules!)
Now you KNOW, this isn't your fault or your responsibility- if he wants to blame someone... I think you "broke up" with him, before the girlfriend?

Now don't go down the path, of what MAY happen to him someday.
It is about YOU, today! Stay safe.
SL

lightseeker

SL....thanks for responding....you are so right. And I also know that this is a man that truthfully came close to destroying me twice. I am struck by the heaviness in my heart though...but know that this are the last ditch efforts of the addict saying whatever he can say to maintain the link between us.

His journey is one that only he could take - he had every opportunity to chose a different path and so far - it's just not his choice. Even after 6 years of not using. This is one very nasty disease.

I am definitely upping my self care - don't know if a yogurt sundae for dinner counts as good self care but tonight....it felt like it was.

crazybabie

I am sorry your going through this I have no words of wisdom I think they have all been covered I just wanted to let you know I care.

lightseeker

thanks ya'll.....it's totally no contact. It's been that way for over six months save for when I called him today to tell him about the divorce. I would hear from him periodically when he would make up a new email to get through but that was about all.

I think that I'm just dealing with some grief - which I know is normal. Thank heavens for the program of recovery. It's just so sad...........I had withdrawn myself from his life but there is the part that remains that does care about him. Detach with caring/compassion and I guess sorrow.......

this relationship has caused me a huge heap of sorrow and regret and has had horrible repercussions on my life. I wish that someone could put my face on a poster and let me be an example.....only that way too many of us know the same things. And people wonder why sometimes we come across so strongly on this board when someone comes aboard saying "I've become involved with an addict....but we're different".

Vale

>>>>>>>>>>>Please stop beating yourself up. I have a tidbit for you.

A's are the best CON PEOPLE there are. High or clean, drunk or sober, they make the
best used car salespeople and can sell freezers to Eskimos in the Artic.

A's do NOT have relationships, they TAKE HOSTAGES.

I know, I did too, when I was still out there using and abusing many years ago.


A's are golden tongued and can manipulate others to believe what they want the
person to believe.

It has happened to probably 99% of of us on these boards, myself included not to
long ago.

You would think that I would KNOW. Being an A myself, albeit in recovery a long
time and also in recovery from my codependency for almost as long, but NOPE I
got a call from a very old boyfriend, one I had not seen in 43 years and it was a
devastating breakup to me, as it was our 'parents' that broke us up. It took me
10 MONTHS of 2010 to figure out that he was a FULL BLOWN ALCOHOLIC with all
the BS that comes with it. Sheesh<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
************************************************** ********
Laurie,
I love your writing.But unfortunately I can claim no such innocence.
I knew from the first day that every single word out of my 'A' friends mouth was
a lie.She never 'fooled' me.The statements contained so many internal contradictions
(even within sentences!) that there was never any doubt.

(At all)

I just wanted her to have a friend who didn't play 'gotcha' by exposing every lie.
After almost a year went by and she was in meltdown---she wrote something like
"are you saying I've lied?!?!"
I never had the heart to tell her I never believed a single solitary word---I was just
hoping that the $$$ help would tide her over until she awoke from this dreadful
nightmare.

It is so sad to think that they think we believe.

I certainly never did.Not for a moment.None of it was even REMOTELY believable!
I was just trying to preserve the dignity of a person in freefall out of the middle class.

FindingErica

That makes absolutely no sense. He is handing himself a death sentence by using. To work recovery would be to save himself and he doesn't need you to do it.

Sounds like he has a way of reeling in women, don't let it get you down on yourself. You are working to correct the situation and get healthy now, that is what matters.

Ann

I'm so sorry, Light, and will keep him in my prayers.

We need to grieve sometimes, and I think we go through the grief process so many times that we lose sight of the fact that addiction is just plain sad...all the time. Each sad lesson from the past inspires us to choose a better path for the future. Keep walking girl, the path gets better just up ahead, and we're all walking with you.

Hugs

EJG123

Hi LS- Sorry I suggested you talk to his Ex. I did not realize it might jeopardize your safety or I would not have advised it. Dealing with addicts is just so hard. Take good care of yourself.