outtolunch

Sounds to me like the "marriage vow" thing carries potential to become the excuse to focus on trying to control him, instead of controling your reactions and protecting those 4 children.

We codependents are as crafty as any addict when it comes to head games.

amaslow

This is just my opinion.., your AH needs a long term resential program to focus on his addiction. Marriage counseling seems like putting the cart before the horse..It is maddening to live like you have been living.. you have put up with more than I could have and I put up with too much.You deserve some peace and comfort.. Err on the side of being selfish..It is hard to learn those boundaries, but I starated by erring on the side of being selfish and refusing any contact or conversation if I though there was a chance I could be manipulated. ( I would even hang up on my ex at the first signthat my anxiety level was going up) I was not perfect at setting boundaries, but I allowed my self to set them as best as could!!..Your comfort needs to be your benchmark for every decision.. Not," can I" or "should I tolerate this".. Glad you are learning about codependence.. It is a disease that can ruin lives for generations...

Faithlove

CynicalOne, of course I don't just let him drive around with our kids when he's high. Sometimes I can't even tell when he's high, which makes me even more anxious. When he was in rehab, he worked on that step where you make a list of those you've wronged- on the list for me, he admitted that.

Faithlove

Thank you, SevenofNine. I love books and will definitely have to read that! Thanks for taking the time to post all of that! Incidently, it reminded me of a New Testament verse about guarding your heart, for that is where your treasure is.

Faithlove

I just saw him and he looks so sickly. . He admitted lying to me about getting his shot and about lying about that. He said someone suggested he try suboxne or methadone. I wanted to immediately put my two cents in and talk him out of that. I feel like it is just substituting one drug for another. Instead, I asked him how he felt about that option. I kept telling myself that this is his choice, his life. I did tell him that it's hard to come of those sometimes too. I just couldn't let that slide...even though he already knows that fact.
Tonight I'm meeting with him, his family, and a man that we go to church with who is also a professor and teaches counseling classes. I've been so nervous about this meeting. So, I wrote a 6 page letter to read to everyone tonight in it, I have places where I reference stickies from here- The Difference Between Giving Up and Letting Go, etc. I'm also referencing the 3 C's and FOG. Thanks for your very encouraging posts, everyone! They really help!

FindingErica

Like you I couldnt always tell either, for years I thought he was moody because I was such a horrible wife, that is what he told me. I think AH would do some drugs to get himself to a "normal", sober was anger time, so it is hard for me to realize looking back when he was using and not using. Except when he would get really high, but he had stuff that just mellowed him. I'm sure AH drove around high with my kids, not by my choice, that was how he hid his use, he did it when I wasn't around. One time i asked him to pick up our then 10 yr old DD from a skate party that ended at 830pm. The mom was frantically calling me at 840, where were we, the party was over and the place was closing. I was freaked out calling AH, he got mad when he picked up and claimed he was at ACE hardware and would be there in 10 min. He didnt show up in 10min, i called begging him to get her. He said the mom was a bitch! He finally did get her and this mom never spoke to me again, and I learned my lesson about trying to make new friends. I wonder how many times similar incidents occurred where he was unreliable with the kids that I am not aware of. No wonder my kids don't care to speak to him. Whenever I think about going back to him, that is one of the incidents I think of, and I feel my desperate anger all over again.

We can't go back and change anything, all we can do is go forward in our current knowledge. (( hugs))

BeavsDad

Sounds like you got a couple people depending on you to step up and be as selfish and unreasonable as possible to ensure their quality of life.

"Stay together for the kids or vows" could have you posting the same thing 5 years from now.

hello-kitty

Using drugs and children in the car.

At first I had a boundary - I will not let my child ride in a car with someone who has been using drugs. But because of all the lies and manipulation, I got to a point where I couldn't tell if my ex was high or not. It led me to a new boundary - I will not allow my child in a car with someone I even suspect has been using drugs within the last several months.

I just could never be sure and giving him the benefit of the doubt could have been deadly when it came to my baby. I never would have forgiven myself.