Needle Cap and Empty Baggie

Old 07-28-2012, 12:13 PM
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Needle Cap and Empty Baggie

The gut man. That thing is good.
Problem is my gut is never still and docile. It's always jumping ten steps ahead of me saying things like, "Don't relax now you know what's going on."
So my boyfriend has been "in love" with me lately. It's a passing phase. Never fails to end and end in the ticks, twitches, and spasms of stress. One night he's Cassanova complete with back rubs, foot rubs, great sex, paying for groccerries, oh you name it ladies and he's on it. Well...Heroin is on it.
Because you see? Heroin is in love with me. I know, I know. It's crazy to say but it is. Because my boyfriend sure as hell isn't and probably never has been.
But Heroin? ****. We are in LOVE.
All my AB needs is a bit of H a lot of lies and a little luck that I keep my "I-know-better-but-I'm-not-going-to-say-because-the-hell-my-addict-will-create-isn't-worth-it" mouth keeps itself shut.
So here's the cycle. One good night. Followed by cussing me out all morning if I so much as sigh too loudly. Also really hard not to sigh too loudly when you share a twin mattress covered in spoon burns and stinking of sweat that's been unwashed for weeks.
Then goes the day where he tells you, "Oh you go ahead out of the house I have to take a ****." Sure. You're the ****. Go take yourself and your ability for honesty and take a hike for all I care.
Then comes pay day and WOW there's no money and the evening starts off badly but then HEY another MAGICAL trip to the bathroom and he's BAAACK all kisses and ****.
But you know what? I don't want your junkie lips on me you make me vomit in the back of my throat. A LOT. So get your hands away I don't say as I try to stoop and avoid and ignore and peck on your cheek to satiate you much as you do when you're SOBER and Heroin is not loving me.
And then I'm a bitch. I'm withholding. I'm CRAZY! Because AFFECTION and LOVE is what I wanted RIGHT? And here you are like a freaking SAINT giving it to me and I'm PULLING AWAY and now how does that make any SENSE you ask me, do I even know what I want? Well I must not find you attractive anymore or love you anymore you say as you ALL TOO HAPPILY pull away because, lets face it, it wasn't you that wanted to love me anyway it was Heroin. So you go strolling back to your bed where you pick up the decrepit and stinking tie you use to tie off and you use it now to tickle yourself and suck your thumb and nod out in front of the computer while I cook dinner and try not to throw up into it laughing because by god right now that would be funny to me.
After an hour or so after you supposedly and FINALLY fall asleep you wind the tie around your left forearm as tight as you can and pull it with your teeth and I wonder if this really is a dream you're having or if you just say it is so you can get the blood nice and tight before you...YUP! There you go, you just got up and headed for the bathroom. MY GOD WHAT A CONVENIENT DREAM! Gotta learn how to market those, yessiree! And after over and hour and a half you come back from the bathroom and I come back from puking outside and you are all sweets and kisses and sighs and OH LOOK...there goes HEROIN loving me again.
So this morning you leave and you're all upset I don't want to cuddle and you ask all WIDE eyed with your best and sickest INNOCENT expression what could POSSIBLY be wrong, just daring me to demonstrate INSANITY by telling you *gasp!* you do DRUGS and it SUCKS and you SUCK and I ******* HATE you and really at this point I can't wait until you DIE.
So then you leave and everything's UNSAID because there's NO POINT and I go to use the bathroom and OH LOOK there's a needle cap (new kind! That makes about eight kinds I can ID...AWESOME right?) AND an empty, residue covered baggie. Let's taste. Yup. Tastes like Heroin. So I pick them up and I carry them back to the bed with me and I put them on the pillow and I cuddle with them because...you know what you ******* *******...that's what loves me. Not you.
Good morning to another day I don't want to be here.
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Old 07-28-2012, 12:21 PM
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Ok......you got that out.....that's good. Better out than in. Now......breathe deeply because I'm going to ask you a question and I don't want you to feel like it's an attack. It is merely a question that I'm sure most people would wonder. That sounds like he77 to me. Why do you stay?

the gentlest of hugs to you
ke
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Old 07-28-2012, 12:42 PM
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I have tried to leave more times than I can remember. I have used Family Violence Programs, I have had him arrested twice, I have moved more than three times, I have changed my phone number. I always go back or I feel I have no choice but to cave. He will do things manipulative emotionally, psychologically, in ways you couldn't previously comprehend to hurt, upset, agitate, anything so he gets a response. And it all just builds and builds and builds until I can't freaking take it anymore honestly and I just give up. At least in this **** hole I know what to expect and I just play dumb and I just get by and I pretend its totally normal to cry whenever you see a happy couple walking by.
If I don't stay then nothing I ever said is true. If I go then nothing he ever said is true because he'll just do it all, experience it all, say it all to some other ******* *****.
I just want him to die. I wish he'd just ******* die already. My worst nightmare is he'll be like freaking Iggy Pop or something and he'll never get his. He deserves it. And I think a big part of me wants to see it happen.
A month ago I got stuck on an open needle when I found it and he grabbed my hand and ended up making me accidently stick myself. Then told me they weren't his. They were some "other" persons which just made me more scared and sicker. So now I've got to wait three months from that date to get tested for AIDS and HepC and everything this ******* has opened me up to with manipulation and lies and sometimes just sheer force. And my stupidity that all people have SOULS and the capacity for GOOD. So now? Maybe I just stay because if I have AIDS I'm not going out alone. I'm not getting it and have him get off easy. No way.
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Old 07-28-2012, 12:56 PM
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You want him to die? And you have been accidentally stuck by needles? How long have you been in this relationship?
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Old 07-28-2012, 01:08 PM
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You pretty much described five hellish years of mine when I was with my EXAH.

I only saw the world in shades of grey. I lived in fear and isolation. The violence escalated to the point that I would throw the first punch because I knew he was getting ready to beat me, and I wasn't going down without getting my licks in first.

There was no joy. It was a world of utter hopelessness.

He cheated on me frequently.

I thought I deserved everything I was living with, including the beatings.

Add to that I was also an IV addict and we shared needles all the time.

A series of miracles landed me in rehab, and I was literally dying at that time (109 pounds on a 6' frame and pregnant).

I never went back home to him (rehab was over two hours from where we lived). More miracles happened and I ended up living in (and still do) the tiny town where the rehab was.

Going back to him meant death, either by my own relapse, or him beating me to death.

I got a phone call out of the blue from him about 11 years out of rehab. It was like a ghost from the past.

He asked if I had ever been tested for HIV since I had gotten clean and sober, which I had been when I became pregnant at around 15 months clean/sober while dating someone in AA.

He called to let me know that he was now in the clinical stages of AIDS, and after hearing I was not HIV+, he knew that he had contracted HIV from another woman he was sharing needles with (and sleeping with, no doubt in my mind) during that 30 days I was in rehab. She also had AIDS by then.

That sent chills up my spine.

That would have been my third method of death had I gone back to him. I would have contracted HIV from him whether through sex or relapse/sharing needles again.

Why I didn't contract AIDS during that 5 years of hell can only be attributed to God's grace.

That man died a few years ago at the tender age of 47, complications due to AIDS.

Although we had been divorced for well over a decade when he died, it had a profound impact on me.

Today I know I am a child of God, and you are too. God doesn't make junk, honey. This does not have to be your life.

Sending you hugs of support.
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Old 07-28-2012, 03:30 PM
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Oh, HeWhoSleeps, how I wish you could/would find a shelter for battered women and seek solace there. There are many very good ones, and it certainly sounds like a much better place than where you are now. I'm so very sorry. You don't deserve to live like this. I pray you find refuge before it's too late. Living well is the best revenge!
I care.
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Old 07-28-2012, 03:59 PM
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Stop! Calm Down! Breath! You know you have to get out now. If you didn't you would not be here looking for answers. Looking to hear that you have to get out now. You CAN NOT FIX HIM! Save your self! You deserve to be happy.
Love should not hurt!
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Old 07-28-2012, 04:05 PM
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I left the building after I read about the sheets.

I don't know you although I do know you deserve to treat yourself better than you have beeen doing.

Are you dependent upon him for money?
Are there children?
Fear of being alone?
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Old 07-28-2012, 04:11 PM
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You have found this site. Use the resources. Do a lot of reading. You will find a lot of support here. I have only been here for about 6 days now and have found a lot of support and people going through the same as me. It helps to know you are NOT alone.
I know how you are feeling. The anger the hurt. It sucks! To think a loved one could do this. It is the addict not the person you feel in love with. The drugs are stronger then you!
Yep! I can not understand it either. I thought the love of my sons family would beat the drugs. After all he loves us we love him we can help him. Not if he doesn't want it.
It is hard to accept that our love can not cure them.
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Old 07-28-2012, 04:54 PM
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Honestly. I hate to even say "been with" because I'm positive he'd never say "been with". I'm always the ex fiancee or the ex wife or whatever he has to say to get sympathy or a job or whatever it is he wants. But I have known him since 2004. We met when I was eighteen...and we've been on and off together for the most part ever since.
I'm worried I don't know how to leave. I'm worried if I leave I'll just come back like every other time. All I sound like, even to myself, is a whiny little bitch who won't help herself. I hate it. And I pretty much hate me.
In my family, if you lie it's like you're dead. We don't condone liars. We love them but we don't condone them. It's like a living death, lying to people, according to how I was raised. I used to be strong and smart and intelligent and blahblahblah. And now? I've allowed myself to get so freaking twisted and dizzy and fogged up I live with someone who is literally INCAPABLE of honesty. And he gets to think that that's ok with me, and I think that is the worst insult of all. I never should have given him the time of day. And now I feel like my freaking soul is tied to his or something and it's like the black spot I can't get it out.
I didn't mean to upset anyone about the sheets. At least I didn't mention everything else like it, I guess. I need to remember my words can upset or hurt, and I certainly didn't mean to upset or hurt anyone.
I don't use IV drugs and I don't promote drug use with my AB. It's been a long standing rule. I won't help him get high. Not with money or a ride or a place to use or anything. Frankly I'm not sure why he WANTS to date me. I don't give him anything. Maybe he just likes sucking the sunshine out of my soul. Maybe it tastes good or something. I have no idea.
It sounds like a cop out. But I am a dizzy dizzy dizzy hot mess. I haven't known my own thought process for literally years now. When I try to think of the whys or wherefores I don't have any answers. I literally can't think. That's what it feels like. Like there's just numbness and nothing. And so...I think I don't do anything. And I think I've just not been doing anything for a long time now.
I appreciate the responses.
I couldn't hold it inside anymore.
I haven't told anyone, not a soul, about getting pricked. Thank you for letting me say it here anonymously.
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Old 07-28-2012, 05:13 PM
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please keep posting.

we are here, we will help you, we care about you.

we know how you feel, we have all felt this way.

there is a way out, even if it doesn't seem possible, it is.

looking forward to hearing more from you.

Katie
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Old 07-28-2012, 05:17 PM
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You have suffered so much trauma for someone so young! Can you go back for counseling at the Family Violence Program where you were before? Would you consider going back to Naranon? Do you have the support of friends and family or are you isolating? You need support, sweetie. It's good you are here. Keep posting.
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Old 07-28-2012, 05:45 PM
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Keep writing! Here, anywhere. You have a gift, raw as is right now, and so full of pain, but a voice and a gift.

Leave. Please. Be safe. We are here for you.
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Old 07-29-2012, 02:56 PM
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Posting is pretty much all I feel like I can do at the moment. I left the house to get away for a bit after last night. Apparently the bag of H wasen't actually a bag of H....b.s.
I finally just told him looked like we'd have to agree to disagree agreeably. The look on his face was funny at least. Then I got the third degree about how I must have been snooping and how he wasen't surprised I'd found the cap but how when HE buys H HIS comes in wax paper if I REALLy want to know what I'm talking about. So, I said, guess the dealers wife had run out of wax paper that day, or maybe your ass moved it to the plastic bad, who knows. Then came all the HOW do I really know what H tastes like anyways? And how I just simply don't know what I'm talking about. B.s.....yeah I do. It takes up your whole mouth he kept repeating and I just kept laughing and he started laughing and wow.....it's just insanity fun land in his head.
Everything's my fault when he talks. But if I mention that fact then I'm apparently martyring myself. Then I asked him if he was even LISTENING to himself and how he spoke to me.....I don't know why I bother.
I just need some distance. This morning he kissed he goodbye and hugged me crying. Then picked a fight and walked out the oor cursing me for upsetting him so when he was so tired and had to go to work. So I mentioned maybe he shouldn't stay up all night doing drugs if he didn't want to be tired and have me be miserable and he just told me YET AGAIN that he's NOT doing drugs. I guess I'm just crazy because man, it sure seemed like he was to me. I just don't know. And I don't think I care. I'm just staying at my grandparents for now and praying he doesn't text me any more pain.
I want a good man in my life. And I want a hug.
Thank you guys.
I haven't even had so much as a beer to help with all this....and I use to have a problem with using that to numb myself. I think I'm not drinking because I know I'm not alone. Thank you all for helping me to remember that.
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Old 07-29-2012, 03:07 PM
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You are not alone. I learned that just last week when I posted my first desperate note.

I am glad you left. I hope you can stay away, stay safe, and IGNORE texts or calls from him. He is abusive, as you must know too well. When they mess with your mind it is as destructive (some argue more) than physical abuse. Self-preservation is imperative. It's all you can do right now. You deserve much better. Much better than this.
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Old 07-29-2012, 03:19 PM
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Sweetheart your posts have made me cry. I want you to know that there IS a better way to live. I moved myself and my daughter to the other side of the city, changed my number, my mum moved and he hasn't found us. 17-18 miles between us. I found a program, Families Anonymous, and I found a Domestic Violence Project. I found hope where there was never any hope before. I found incredible strength I didn't know I owned. I decided I wanted to live, really live. I wanted to laugh and smile and enjoy my life, because I only get one go round. I decided I didn't want to just do whatever I had to do to survive the day, I wanted more. I wanted safety and happiness and a world where things didn't turn upside down in a matter of seconds with THAT look he gave me that told me exactly what was coming my way. Living without fear is incredible. I'm not saying its been easy, it's been incredibly difficult. There have been days I have struggled to carry on. But it's worth it because I'm still alive. I used to pray he would overdose or something. Then I started praying I wouldn't wake up in the morning. And then I started to wonder if I could kill him without being caught. That's when I knew it was time to go. I spent almost the entire final 6 months of our 'relationship' in silence because I was so fearful of the consequences of accidentally saying the wrong thing. It's going to be a long process rebuilding myself and making a life that doesn't include him, but I can do it. So can you. I believe in you.
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Old 07-29-2012, 06:51 PM
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It may not be the hug you want, but it's all I can do from here. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HEWHO SLEEPS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I do hope you stay with your grandparents, change your number, find a new focus and start respecting yourself again. The natural course of life can be struggle enough at times. You don't want or need this unnecessary burden. Find a group, go to school, get a hobby - read good material - anything - just find a new purpose in your life.

If you stay away, I believe you will respect yourself and have a new outlook. Please stay safe. I care.
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Old 07-29-2012, 08:28 PM
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Thank you. I've been posting for a little while now but I'm not good with letting things out. Pretty much said more here than I really ever have to anyone. I keep telling myself, well maybe I'll make one heck of a book or something. If that day ever comes where I trut the world enough to get everything out.
Thank you for the digital support and hugs. They do wondrous works.
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Old 07-29-2012, 08:40 PM
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I hope you can start loving yourself. If you had a little precious child, would you want her to be abused like this? Start thinking of yourself as a little precious child and protect that child.. Your Addict is a limp d___ who is preying on you like a you are a hostage..he is a spineless sissy..who is keeping his support systems in tact so he can continue to be an addict..I don't mean to be harsh, but I want you to see just how unattractive this guy is..He has killed your self esteem so that he can control you...

I know the feeling of wishing your A would die..That is a symptom of enduring a lot of abuse.. It will be hard to pull yourself up if you are still living with him.. Do you have a job? Can you support yourself? Are you living with him?Do you have famliy somewhere that you can go to? If not, make contact with a shelter for women. They can help you get a plan to get away.

This guy has brought you to a very low point.. Get some help.. Keep yourself safe.. Get a plan to get this guy off your plate.. We are here for you, my precious child.
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Old 07-30-2012, 08:31 AM
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Think of it this way...if you had a best friend who was telling you all that you just told us....what would you tell her to do? Be your own best friend....

Please take care of yourself, please, please get somewhere safe and stay away from this guy...you deserve better, you deserve to have a happy life and be loved by someone who treats you kind and doesn't use drugs or YOU.

(( ))
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