Faithlove

Hi Everyone. I'm sure my story is the same as any other spouse that deals with their spouse's drug addiction. My husband is charming, good-looking, smart, etc......a golden boy. He's also the only boy- he has two sisters. He comes from a basically perfect family. When we met, at church, we each had a child from a previous relationship. After we got married, we had two children together. So, what I do, or don't do, affects these sweet children in one way or another. My AH DOC is oxycontin. When he's not using that, he'll take other pain pills, smoke marijuana, and/or drink. He's a master manipulator and liar. He's a thief; he's stolen from me, his parents, friends, and organizations. Lucky for him, his parents paid everyone back and no one pressed charges. In the five years that we've been married, he's lost/quit two jobs. He is now working for his family. He's been to our local hospital's detox unit (5 days at a time) a few times and this past spring he spent about a month at a rehab center 5 hours away. He's also completed an after-care program. I've spent two Easters without him because he was at detox or rehab. I've set out Christmas all alone because he was passed out. I've called the police because I heard him pass out in our hallway in the middle of the night. I'd thought he might have overdosed on oxy (he was up to 300mg/day at one point), but after the ambulance came and took him to the hospital, I found out he was just too drunk to function.
I'm exhausted. I'm tired of always wondering if he's really tired or actually on oxy. I don't enjoy watching his eyes roll into his head and then him nod off, when he's standing up. I don't like hearing him fall and take out the shower curtain with him, while in the bathroom. I hate waking up in the middle of the night to hear him in the bathroom for long periods of time, wondering what in the world he's doing in there....when I know he's in there using. I'm tired of finding his drug accessories in our vehicles or home. I'm tired of pouring out countless bottles of liquor (which, by the way, he hates for me to even have a drink) that were hidden in our deep freezer. I'm tired of him being super grumpy when he is clean. I'm sooo tired of his lies... I hate liars! He's traveled with us on vacation and stashed drugs in my checked luggage (obviously without me knowing); he's kept drugs in the rental car we drove to our destination; I have to keep my checkbook at work and my debit card hidden from him; he drives around with the kids while he's using; the list goes on and on. I'm on an antidepresent because of him. His thearpists can't believe I'm still with him and neither can mine.
So, about a week and a half ago, I gathered some friends and we moved my kids and me out of our home. (I'm a lawyer, by the way, so I already know when and if I can take our kids....in this situation, I absolutely can)Then, he begs and makes me believe he's going to change. He hadn't actually done anything recent to make me leave, other than an incident of him pounding on our DVD player so hard that he broke it....and him just being a jerk in general. But, we're Christian and I don't want to divorce him, if he can change. I left him because he'd stopped going to meetings or his classes that he's supposed to go to in order to con't to recieve vivitrol. He's never gotten a sponsor and stopped working his steps. I've tried to support him, forgiven him a zillion times, and when things seem like they're calming down, I get a punch to the stomach and the breath is knocked out of me (not literally....I don't think he'd ever hurt me). I can't do this anymore and take care of our kids and be an effective attorney. He's sucking the life out of me.
So, I left, and then 2 days later, we came back. Everything was going great. We started marital counseling. He went to a meeting. He moved all of our stuff back home. He was very affectionate and loving...he even helped around the house. One day I turned in my keys to the people I was going to rent off of and the next morning I gave him a drug screen. He failed. I mean, really?!! He had been clean for supposedly 5-6 weeks (which is a long time for him), and then when everything is going ok, he uses?! So, I kicked him out. His family said that he and I need to come up with a better way to handle our indiscretions, other than one of us moving. That's nice for them to say that. They get to sleep soundly in their beds without worrying if a drug deal is taking place via their mailbox in the middle of the night. They get to actually depend on their spouse when my AH's issues have brought them to their knees. I don't have someone to depend on; my someone is high. I feel like they've always been supportive of me but they still minimize what he does. He's freakin' addicted to oxycontin and I don't want me or my kids to live with him until he's better! I feel like I have to stomp my foot and scream this before they'll take me seriously.
My proposal, but now it's a demand, is that we live apart until he's been sober for at least six months. During that time, he needs to go to NA and AA meetings- at least 5 per week; he needs to get and work with a sponsor; he needs to stay employed and actually work...not stay in bed half the day; he needs to work with a counselor; and we need to go through marriage counseling. He also needs to give me space. I need to recover from these last five years of Hell. I really don't want to be five more years down the road and look back and wish I'd have left sooner. If I'd have known he was a drug addict when we got married, I wouldn't have married him. Huge deal-breaker. But, he says that's not what married people do (live apart). If I "love him" and he's "worth it," I'll let him come back home. That's crazy! Six months is not going to kill anyone.
I'd love to hear from other spouses of addicts. Please tell me if I'm being too selfish or unreasonable. Please tell me if there is hope or if I should just go ahead and file for divorce. I, of course, welcome advice from others as well. I'm just tired of it all. I do love him but I can't keep doing this and it's not safe for our kids. Thank you.

suki44883

Moving back and forth isn't good for the kids either. If you aren't sure you are ready to divorce, that is fine. Your plan to live apart the next six months or a year while he decides what to do about his own problems is a good idea. If he truly wants recovery, he'll do it whether you live together or not.

As far as your proposal/demands, good luck with that. Although you don't like him using, he is an adult and you cannot tell him what to do. You can decide what you are willing to live with, however. I hope you will do what is best for the children. They have no choices in this mess.

LoveMeNow

Welcome to SR. You have found a great place with so many wonderful and informative people.

I am a Christian too and my husband is an addict, addicted to percocets. I rode the roller coaster for a long time too. I didn't want to give up on the fantasy either. I truly understand. But in my case, my husband had become the only means of support although I had helped build our business and my kids were much older when I finally "woke up." My denial was deep.

My husband would become Mr. Wonderful too; helping out, affectionate, loving and I would get sucked back in. I would drug test him as well and feel sick to my stomach with the results. "it was just once, I messed up" blah blah blah.

I made him move out, got a therapist, starting attending alanon, bought Codependent No More, started reading and posting here and was starting to get healthier. At times, I went no contact too. I was exhausted!! He saw the change and he knew I was finally getting serious.

He faked some recovery efforts like AA and NA but I was getting smarter. I wasn't that easy to manipulate any more. I was still scared, I missed the man he was but I couldn't do it any more.

Theses were hard words for me to hear. My addict wasn't special, my love wasn't special, and our marriage wasn't special. I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it, and I couldn't cure it.

Please start getting healthy for you and the kids. Start learning about boundaries and sticking to them. Accept that he is going to do what ever he is going to do....And give the rest to God.

I pray for you, the kids and him. I pray he seeks recovery and I pray you do too. It's one heck of a ride you have been on but you can get off.

P.S. My therapist told me if I had to drug test my husband, I already knew the answer and she was so right. I was so unhealthy that simple common sense had eluded me.

Please read the stickies. They are very informative. There is one about how to know if your addict is serious about recovery and it is 100% true.

sevenofnine

I'm an atheist, but I believe in marriage as strongly as many conservatives or Christians etc. I guess I'm just old fashioned! If anything, I think what you are doing sounds like the best thing you can do for your relationship and importantly, for yourself too.
My husband has recently been able to agree that me kicking him out earlier in the spring was as much for his benefit as for my own and the kids--even he is able to see once things got beyond soft love, it was time for tough love. Its ok to try to live together and work things out in some circumstances with addiction, and I think it sounds like you are not in one of those circumstances. Doesn't mean you aren't trying hard enough to make things work. Doing what you are doing actually sounds like you are trying really hard to make things work because you both need space to heal.

Learn2Live

Thank you so much for your post, Faithlove. It is helping me immensely.

lightseeker

Faithlove,

Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation. Years ago, a woman in Naranon responded to my question of "am I being unreasonable?" She replied that there is nothing reasonable about being involved with an addict...and that my needs were my needs

I tried to sanction my husband's recovery as well (work with a sponsor, go to meetings, do the steps, etc.). It didn't work. He just was one of those that never did gel with AA or NA. He preferred to do it his way. He was able to get sober (his DOC was crack) but he never learned to live life on life's terms.....it was HORRIBLE living with him. I actually liked him better when he was using. I always struggled with the boundary of his recovery. I just did not like my husband when he was sober and not working a recovery program. Someone can only work a recovery program for themselves - not to stay in a marriage...at least that is what I found.

One good thing that came of it all was I felt that I should work the same recovery program that I expected of him. But I did it because of ME....it would have been hard for me if he had been double checking my recovery program. A lot of good has come from my work in Alanon and Naranon.

All the back and forth and living with an active addict is horrible for children. When we stay in situations like that we are either teaching them to use or live with a user. It's crazy making for kids and it truly changes who they are. It will affect them way more than you ever know......

I finally left my husband 14 months ago.....I just couldn't handle the abuse and living with a "dry drunk". There were times that he would go to meetings to appease me but all he did was sit there and play on his smartphone...so, that type of meeting going was pointless.

My life has been 100% calmer without him. I was missing my children growing up because I was having to spend all of my energy trying to cope with being with my husband.

No one can tell you what to do but there were suggestions that really helped me.... I know that you are busy but getting to Alanon meetings truly saved my life. Setting boundaries with consequences was imperative. Going back and forth was extremely toxic for me and I knew that I had to develop some stability for me.

One last thought - your situation sounds REALLY unreasonable. Someone in active addiction is not going to be a healthy partner. Your husband is demonstrating that he has a lot of difficulty stringing clean time together.....there is no harm in getting some space from one another while he demonstrates what he is going to do. There is no law that says that you can't have a relationship with him while living in different homes if "being with him" is your choice.

Kids need a healthy parent - and it sounds like you are the only option that your kids have. Are you behaving in healthy ways? Are you making healthy choices for yourself and them?

I'm glad that you've found us....

Faithlove

Thank you to everyone who took time to read my extremely long post! Thank you so much for the replies!
My AH is great at making me feel guilty and it's very hard for me to say no to him.....but I did...last night! He wanted to take our 4-yr-old to work w/ him today since he'd have his own 11-yr-old child w/ him. He said, "you know I can't do anything w/ older child around." My soul just wanted to believe him and give in, but I didn't. I told him no. I think he was surprised. I was surprised! I also insisted that he visit with our children under supervision. He thinks it's really not that big of a deal that he just tested positive for oxy on Monday.
AH also likes to throw our marriage vows in my face, "so does until death do you part mean anything to you?" Nevermind the fact that he's cheated on me numerous times (I've read his actual texts, internet messages, seen the phone bill, etc. He said never anything physical but I don't believe him). Not that I've cheated on him, but I guess the vows don't apply to him.
Finally, I've been reading a lot on this website and on drugs.com and read an article on co-dependency in children. I think I am the poster child of the Family Hero! My father was an alcoholic and my mother abused drugs. They divorced when I was in 1st grade, remarried when I was in 6th grade, and divorced again about a year later. Anyway, I was pretty (people told me), popular, made great grades, involved in every extr-cirr activity at school imaginable, and loved by all who met me. I also parented my two little sisters from the time I was in grade school. Now, I'm still loved by all who meet me, am an attorney, and focus my career on helping those who are poverty-stricken (because of course, they can't help themselves....).
I am so glad I've found this website and you all!

verylost

I learned that those marriage vows ONLY apply to me, they do not apply to STBX AH. I realize you feel that your marriage vows are important, I really do understand that, I was raised Catholic and those vows kept me in my marriage longer than I should have stayed. Anyway, the way I was able to stay strong was for my children. Does until death do us part mean when one of the kids accidently ingests cocaine or maybe when he gets into a car accident and kills one of us because he's driving high? Does in sickness and in health mean until I am barely able to function due to his careless actions? Give yourself these 6 months not to see if he can stay sober, but give yourself that time to see how you feel without him there.

LoveMeNow

Your AH is just manipulating. Addicts are great at using Fear, Obligation and Guilt. (FOG) How long have you been in the FOG? Time to clear out your head and the less contact, the less poison you hear, the less crazy making conversations you have, the easier it will be for you to start thinking clearer and making sound decisions.

I always like this.....What advice would you give your sister, your BFF or even a client? You worth the same advice!!

supportforme

Give yourself what you need. I struggled for a very long time with the roller coaster ride of oxycodone addiction. I even reached a point that he was not allowed to drive the kids in the car when I sensed that he was taking pills. This addiction progresses. I stayed for years believing him, because he is a good man, trapped by a disease. I didn't want to hurt my children or break my vows. Unfortunately, the disease progressed to a level that the wonderful man I married, the loving and caring father of my children was lost and the addiction was in control. He totaled his car, was arrested for dui and prescription fraud. He could have killed himself, someone else or the kids. The police came to my front door to search my home, question if I was a fit mother, was I endangering the welfare of my children and the reality of addiction truly hit---- By staying, I endangered the safety of me and my children. I'm actually a very successful executive, have never broken the law or even taken any narcotics -- Yet I became guilty by association. I met with a lawyer within 3 days, my focus was to protect the children at all costs. He now has supervised visitation and cannot come into the home. One of the 1st things AH said to me was "Thank You". I finally was forced to let go to save myself and my kids. I prayed every day that he would hit his bottom and find the strength to get clean. He is currently in recovery - I see the difference. You'll know when it's for real. AH and my kids can't understand why I still am proceeding with the divorce because Dad is back. He is genuinely a good man that is trapped. However, I need to protect us. It is not healthy even in recovery for us to be in the same home. It is dysfunctional for the kids. There is too much emotional damage that we need to work on. By staying married to the addict, I am exposed to all the consequences. Emotionally we can only control the impact to some degree by focusing on our emotional well being. Please focus on your sanity and your health - your children need you. I feel your pain.

FindingErica

Yep, mine says "I have a disease and I guess you don't care about 'in sickness or in health'". Or my favorite, "what kind of nurse are you, abandoning me when I have an illness." :rotfxko I've learned the hard way that my AH can no longer be trusted-everything he says is lies and/or manipulation.

You are doing great! It is hard changing behavior and doing something different. It seems your childhood conditioned you, so you have many years of conditioning. You are very brave to be setting boundaries and following through. Just push the guilt that follows aside. It's hard, I remind myself it is a natural reaction, and move forward. Having minimal contact helps. Im a classic Caretaker, though my dysfunctional family growing up did not have an addict, my dad had anger issues and my mother is a classic codie- though neither were addicts, both had one parent who was a severely abusive addict.

Faithlove

Thank you for your post, Supportforme. I just re-accepted (is this even a word?) the house that the kids and I had moved into....and then moved out of. When I was there, I felt a sense of relief and at peace. When I'm with AH, whom I love very much, my stomach is in knots and I get tension headaches/migraines all the time. Everything-my brain, my body, and everyone- my friends and family support me and tell me to separate. It's just so hard. It's heartbreaking. Sometimes I feel so cold, like I have concrete walls all around me and other times I just cry and cry. I just need to stop second-guessing myself and give time away from AH a chance.
I'm glad that your AH is currently in recovery.

Faithlove

FindingErica, thank you for posting.
Even yesterday, he yelled at me because I didn't "support" him in his recovery! My mouth dropped! What!? He said that I stood by him but I didn't support him. I was dumbfounded and asked what in the world that meant. He said I never said to him twenty minutes before a meeting, "it's almost 7:00; are you going to your NA meeting." Really? Because if I would have said that, I'd have been nagging. I told him that he's a big boy and it's not my job to make sure that he goes to his meetings. It'd be different if I were always complaining about him going, but he was never at meetings frequently enough for me to complain. And, he's a liar. I asked him all the time if he was going to a meeting that day. Geez.

washbe2

(((FaithLove)))) I'm so very sorry for your pain. Addicts have such a way of shifting blame.,he blames you for wanting space, but what has he done to the marriage covenant with the using and abusing?

You sound very smart. Even the brightest of the bright can br manipulated and sucked into a dark world when a loved ones an addict. I think you are dong what is best for you and your children. I applaud you for wanting to protect yourself and them.

It's not your fault! I care.

FindingErica

Faithlove, there must be an addict manual somewhere because I am still surprised at how many addicts say basically the same things. My AH said I didn't show him enough sympathy for all he had gone through in his life, that I cared but I didn't care enough. Sigh. I think addiction stems from an empty place and that emptiness is an unfillable void that seeks out those who will keep throwing parts of themselves into the void until they have nothing left. Nothing you or I can do will ever be enough because there is nothing any one person can do to fill this void in another.

Vale

Quote-----
Faithlove, there must be an addict manual somewhere because I am still surprised at how many addicts say basically the same things. My AH said I didn't show him enough sympathy for all he had gone through in his life, that I cared but I didn't care enough. Sigh. I think addiction stems from an empty place and that emptiness is an unfillable void that seeks out those who will keep throwing parts of themselves into the void until they have nothing left. Nothing you or I can do will ever be enough because there is nothing any one person can do to fill this void in another.
----------
WOW! I KNEW they had to have a manual!---because each
behavior is seemingly executed with such precision.The people
I resented the MOST were the ones who told me...."so she's
an opiate addict,huh? Well, she's gonna do this and this
and that .....in precisely that order."
Resented the hell out of them,actually----all the moreso
when everything they said came to pass.
I had an extreme case of 'resenting the messenger'.

sevenofnine

More hugs from me today. I know this story goes on and on, and I know I don't always feel the energy to even reach out to people on those bad, crying, cement wall days, because it feels like typing the story makes it too real.
None of us can know what is right for you, as only you can hear your heart.
My favourite book is The alchemist and here is a passage I really like from it, where the protagonist is discussing listening to his gut, wondering if what its saying is right:

As they moved along, the boy tried to listen to his heart.

It was not easy to do; in earlier times, his heart had always been ready to tell its story, but lately that wasn't true. There had been times when his heart spent hours telling of his sadness, and at other times it became so emotional over the desert sunrise that the boy had to hide his tears. His heart beat faster when it spoke to the boy of treasure and more slowly when the boy stared entranced at the endless horizons of the desert. But his heart was never quiet, even when the boy and the alchemist had fallen into silence.

"Why do we have to listen to our hearts?" the boy asked, when they had made camp that day.

"Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure."

"But my heart is agitated," the boy said. "It has its dreams, it gets emotional, and it's become passionate over a woman of the desert. It asks things of me, and it keeps me from sleeping many nights, when I'm thinking about her."

"Well, that's good. Your heart is alive. Keep listening to what it has to say."
"Well, then, why should I listen to my heart?”
“Because you will never again be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you’re thinking about life and about the world.
“You mean I should listen, even if it’s treasonous?”
“Treason is a blow that comes unexpectedly. If you know your heart well, it will never be able to do that to you. Because you’ll know its dreams and wishes, and will know how to deal with them. You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it’s better to listen to what it has to say. That way, you’ll never have to fear an unanticipated blow.

___
There is a lot more I would want to cut and paste here- I found it to be a very inspiring book. I don't know if that will come across with just that quote, but the idea that we can't be happy unless we follow our hearts, that if we ignore them, no matter how good things go, we will always be nagged with doubt, but if we follow them, no matter how bad things get we will always be better off because we are on the right path. Knowing our hearts is a difficult thing- I know I can't always hear what mine tells me- but it really is the most important thing. We have to be true to ourselves first, and no one but your own heart can tell you what that truth is.

Sorry for the long, sermonising post. This atheist can still get a little too exciteable about my secular 'bibles'. I just wanted to share as a way to encourage you to do whatever it is that you need to do to follow your heart, especially since right now all the roads look treacherous no matter which direction you choose. But as long as you are following your heart, you will find yourself on your right path.

HUGS!!!

supportforme

I know what you're feeling all too well. Unfortunately, it took a devastating event to make me see that I actually put myself and the safety of my kids at risk by staying. It's not easy, the emotional aspect is overwhelming at times. I do love him and I know he's a good man that is trapped. My kids are devastated and can't understand why dad can't live with us because he's back to "normal". They think I abandoned their dad. However, I had to let go to save myself and the kids. He's saying and doing all the right things now. However, I need to protect them at all costs. Addiction is a family disease. Right now, if we lived in the same house, the kids would be subject to constant dysfunction. I would not be healthy enough to care for me and the kids. He does spend alot of time with us together. The time is all about the kids. That's all I can handle. You will find your way. If you do it too soon, you won't be ready. I hope you find your strength as this is a progressive disease.

My situation could have been worse - he could have killed himself, the kids or someone else. I only had to deal with the fear that federal agents came to my office to interview me, beg the officers to believe that I had nothing to do with prescriptions and explain to my young children why the police officers had to search our home.

I hope you find your way. Get yourself help. In the end, the only thing that saved me was that I was in therapy for years. What is keeping me going, is that I am still in therapy. Stay strong and protect yourself and your children.

crazybabie

Thank you for that Cynical, I never thought of it that way before.

crazybabie

I am sorry for what your going through I also have had issues with my wedding vows that kept me with my AH, we are currently separated your children need you to protect them and you are their voice. You have found a wise community I will keep you in my thoughts.