Next step?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 5
Next step?
Ok I'm new here, but I found this site and it gave me comfort reading some stories of others going through what I thought I was alone in. So I thought I would post a little of my storie. Where to start.... Well I'm the "husband" of an opiate addict. We started dating when we were teenagers and have been together for almost eight years. Her addiction I believe started around the age of 15 or so by her parents giving her 5mg hydro every time she had a problem or pain. Over the years she slowly but steadily fueled her addiction. What hurts is realizing just how naive I was, but I forgave myself because she was a perfect liar ( as most addicts are ). She knew exactly what I wanted to hear, or what to say to make me think I was just a jealous controlling boyfriend. But she started off by chewing hydros and Percocet. Then upgraded to snorting them, which I found out later is a big jump in the addiction. From there she went to smoking 30mg and 80mg O.C.'s. and last but not least what I thought was bottom(nope!) using needles and shooting up. Now a outsider would say " how could you not notice all that!" and honestly I wouldn't how to answer that. She was high so often that when she wasn't using is when I thought something was wrong. But deep down I think I didn't wanna know, it was easier to pretend like it wasn't that big of deal, she's not that bad on em. It wasn't till I took a job outta town this last year for about 10 months. I was gone two weeks home for a day and gone again for two weeks. Every time I came home I would notice little things but didn't know they were signs ie. raspy voice, loss of weight, cleaning binges and crashes, pale skin, bags under eyes. Then towards the end My eyes were blown wide open when I discovered her track marks on her arms. And also every penny i sent home was gone. I then knew she was a full blown addict. I had always known she took pills but I thought it was once in a great while and was just a little 5 or 10 mg pill and wasn't an addict. How wrong I was. Looking back I see it all clear but it's hard not to feel anger at myself for being so blind, def and dumb. Which brings us to the present. At First I thought I could controll it, controll her(nope!) I Imprisoned her into our home, cut out the outside world all friends even family, no phone no Internet nothin. Cold turkey and at first I thought it had worked she was clean for over 30 days, got through the sickness, the bed sweats all of it. But eventually I let her out more and more to run errands and she eventually used this as a way to use again. I couldn't figure it out she went through all that recovery pain to go right back to it. But I realized that I was the one that wanted sobriety not her. I felt powerless, still do. It's like watching your best friend drown in front of you. But that's when I feel I turned cold about it all. I hated the drug, hated her and every one who had anything to do with it. I wasnt sweet and understanding or " let's get you help it's not your fault" anymore. I couldn't see how she could be so selfish, to chose a little pill over everything we worked for and our family. I told her cold and blunt what I thought she needed to hear, how low she sunk, and all the bad things she did, I would call her names like "junkie" and tell her she had no one to blame and to get off the "pity pot" and fix what she had messed up. I think in hindsight all any of this did was give her another excuse to use. And its to the point where she might as well lie because my trust is so shattered i dont believe anything she says any way.She blames me for leaving for work already but I don't feel guilty at all I know that's B.S. but it did bring into focus I was her #1 enabler. And now it's to the point where I don't know the next step, what do I do now? I don't want to help anymore, I'm tired of waiting on this shore for a friend that I don't know even exists in her anymore. She isn't my wife, who I married she's a lowlife junkie.......I'm tired of hope. I hate addicts, sorry if I offend. My father was a meth addict, spent my whole childhood locked up only to get out and use again, my mother the same with a touch of drunk. I Grew up in a crackhouse I'm no angel I've done drugs but I decided to grow up and take control over my own life. I was bred to be an addict and overcame drugs and poverty. That's why it's so hard to see someone do what they do and call it a disease. Addiction is a choice. You want to get high, bottom line, end of story because you are too much of a coward to face your problems. Am I wrong for being so cold?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
I don't think you are wrong. It sounds like you have had more than your fair share of addicts in your life. You can't control what your wife does. I think you realize this but she will have to help herself. You on the other hand need to breath the free air away from the addict. I think the coldness is a way we protect ourselves. For me, I have no interest in my husbands recovery or use. He claimed he is over 30 days clean and attending NA, and claims I am missing out on his recovery. Which is fine because I finally just got to a point where he is no longer missed.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Hello, Coldhearted Welcome to SR. I am sorry for the reasons your here but glad you found us. My AH (addicted husband) also has an opiate addiction I like you just don't get it.
I was his biggest enabler also
You said that's why it's so hard to see someone do what they do and call it a disease. Addiction is a choice. You want to get high, bottom line, end of story because you are too much of a coward to face your problems. Am I wrong for being so cold?
IMO, they don't start saying oh I wanna be an addict and addiction is a progressive disease.They finally hit a point where they don't get that high anymore they take in order to not get sick. That DOES NOT excuse what they do.
Your defiantly not alone here we all have a similar story.
You have obviously found out you can't help her. Only she can do that. I can hear your anger I have had that anger and it can eat us alive. You have listed a lot about what you did trying to help her my question is what about you? Have you considered attending al-anon, nar-anon or Families Anonymous?
I am the mother of 2 AS and my husband is addicted. I am not living with my husband right now and likely never will again. I attend meetings for ME... I have been working
on my Codependency issues as well. I take it one day at a time.
Only 1 of my addicts admit they have a problem my middle son yet he says he can quit alone..."sigh"
Read around the forum, read the stickies at the top and keep posting.
I was his biggest enabler also
You said that's why it's so hard to see someone do what they do and call it a disease. Addiction is a choice. You want to get high, bottom line, end of story because you are too much of a coward to face your problems. Am I wrong for being so cold?
IMO, they don't start saying oh I wanna be an addict and addiction is a progressive disease.They finally hit a point where they don't get that high anymore they take in order to not get sick. That DOES NOT excuse what they do.
Your defiantly not alone here we all have a similar story.
You have obviously found out you can't help her. Only she can do that. I can hear your anger I have had that anger and it can eat us alive. You have listed a lot about what you did trying to help her my question is what about you? Have you considered attending al-anon, nar-anon or Families Anonymous?
I am the mother of 2 AS and my husband is addicted. I am not living with my husband right now and likely never will again. I attend meetings for ME... I have been working
on my Codependency issues as well. I take it one day at a time.
Only 1 of my addicts admit they have a problem my middle son yet he says he can quit alone..."sigh"
Read around the forum, read the stickies at the top and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
I can feel the anger in your post, I am angry like that, too. I think the only thing you can do, and you probably know this, is remove yourself from the situation. Move out. Leave her. You can't change her behavior, but you can change yours. What you're doing currently doesn't sound like it's working very well for you, so you have to try something else. You have to take care of yourself. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, I know very well how much it hurts. 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
I don't think you're coldhearted, I think you're brokenhearted right now. Do you attend any meetings to help you deal with the addict(s) in your life? You've overcome a great deal of hardship, and you can cope with this, too, in a healthy way. As another posted, I think you need a break from addicts and the crazy train of addiction.
I'm so sorry for the trouble you're having. I hope you'll attend some meetings (if you don't already) for some in-person support.
Blessings to you.
I'm so sorry for the trouble you're having. I hope you'll attend some meetings (if you don't already) for some in-person support.
Blessings to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 5
Thanks to all who read and wrote it means a lot. I have never thought of me going to meetings, I think it's something I should look into. Thanks for walking these dark roads together. I guess my biggest fear is that addiction is life long, ya know? Like is there an happy ending? Nothing's guaranteed she could be clean for years and all the sudden one day relapse And destroy all progress. It's especially hard because she is a needle user, and the odds of her coming back are slim n none. All I can do is pray for her, and myself....
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am so sorry for all your pain. You are NOT cold hearted at all. My story is similar in so many ways. Addiction is from the pits of hell.
I did almost everything you did as well. The names, the controlling, etc...we are not to blame. We didn't cause it, we can't control and we can't cure it.
I found a lot of help at both Naranon and Alanon (both are equally good, IMO) and got a therapist as well. The hurt, the denial, the self hate, self doubt, the shame, the blame were eating me alive. I was filled with ANGER!!
Please keep reading and posting here too. You are NOT alone! Many have experienced the same feelings of helplessness, disgust, and despair.
Be easy on yourself. Addicts are professional liars and manipulators. We were just no match for addiction and didn't know we had to be.
I did almost everything you did as well. The names, the controlling, etc...we are not to blame. We didn't cause it, we can't control and we can't cure it.
I found a lot of help at both Naranon and Alanon (both are equally good, IMO) and got a therapist as well. The hurt, the denial, the self hate, self doubt, the shame, the blame were eating me alive. I was filled with ANGER!!
Please keep reading and posting here too. You are NOT alone! Many have experienced the same feelings of helplessness, disgust, and despair.
Be easy on yourself. Addicts are professional liars and manipulators. We were just no match for addiction and didn't know we had to be.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
I agree,not coldhearted at all.
>>>>You want to get high, bottom line, end of story because you are
too much of a coward to face your problems.
Am I wrong for being so cold? <<<<<
That was the crux of the problem with the person I knew whose addiction
destroyed her life.But that's not where it started.I actually observed precursors
years before in little quips she would sprinkle about in her language.The best thing that
helped me understand addiction was that it is but a symptom of a deeper affliction--one
that needs to be addressed or the whole miserable cycle will just repeat again and again.
Quips about getting old,there being "no romance" in her 26 yr marriage.Truth was,she
was addicted to the 'highs' (head-over heels/forever young)
and real life wasn't good enough for her.
In short,she led a damage-intolerant life.She could only be 'happy' when everything
was 'going her way'.In life,as in high-order professions---this is a recipe for disaster.
Having no ability to adapt,improvise,and move forward when we each encounter
the vicissitudes of life.....is deadly.
If they could not cope with 100% of their systems online---
how in hell could they hope to prevail under the horrific burden of addiction?
That,to me, is why addiction is so DEVASTATING. It makes you feel that
your coping mechanisms are fine when in fact they are being fatally degraded.
An analogy in the world of cyberwarfare is the STUXNET worm implanted into the
control systems of the Iranian nuclear centrifuges.The worm substituted normal readings
to the operators whilst simultaneously overspeeding the centrifuges causing them to fly
apart [violently]......or even simpler.....removing the oil drain plug from your car while
ensuring that your oil pressure & temperature guages stay in the green!
Would one be a coward for melting the engine down? Or just a victim of a terribly
sophisticated professional saboteur (the devil of addiction)
who excels at overcoming your natural defenses?
I wish I knew the answer.
>>>>You want to get high, bottom line, end of story because you are
too much of a coward to face your problems.
Am I wrong for being so cold? <<<<<
That was the crux of the problem with the person I knew whose addiction
destroyed her life.But that's not where it started.I actually observed precursors
years before in little quips she would sprinkle about in her language.The best thing that
helped me understand addiction was that it is but a symptom of a deeper affliction--one
that needs to be addressed or the whole miserable cycle will just repeat again and again.
Quips about getting old,there being "no romance" in her 26 yr marriage.Truth was,she
was addicted to the 'highs' (head-over heels/forever young)
and real life wasn't good enough for her.
In short,she led a damage-intolerant life.She could only be 'happy' when everything
was 'going her way'.In life,as in high-order professions---this is a recipe for disaster.
Having no ability to adapt,improvise,and move forward when we each encounter
the vicissitudes of life.....is deadly.
If they could not cope with 100% of their systems online---
how in hell could they hope to prevail under the horrific burden of addiction?
That,to me, is why addiction is so DEVASTATING. It makes you feel that
your coping mechanisms are fine when in fact they are being fatally degraded.
An analogy in the world of cyberwarfare is the STUXNET worm implanted into the
control systems of the Iranian nuclear centrifuges.The worm substituted normal readings
to the operators whilst simultaneously overspeeding the centrifuges causing them to fly
apart [violently]......or even simpler.....removing the oil drain plug from your car while
ensuring that your oil pressure & temperature guages stay in the green!
Would one be a coward for melting the engine down? Or just a victim of a terribly
sophisticated professional saboteur (the devil of addiction)
who excels at overcoming your natural defenses?
I wish I knew the answer.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Originally Posted by COLDhearted 
Thanks to all who read and wrote it means a lot. I have never thought of me going to meetings, I think it's something I should look into. Thanks for walking these dark roads together. I guess my biggest fear is that addiction is life long, ya know? Like is there an happy ending? Nothing's guaranteed she could be clean for years and all the sudden one day relapse And destroy all progress. It's especially hard because she is a needle user, and the odds of her coming back are slim n none. All I can do is pray for her, and myself....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Thank You,LMN!
I love your writings too.It's good we have this resource to
know we are not alone or crazy.....dealing with this devil (addiction).
As for 'seagulls & turtles' 'blurb.......the seagulls liked it,too!
(the baby turtles........not so much!)
I love your writings too.It's good we have this resource to
know we are not alone or crazy.....dealing with this devil (addiction).
As for 'seagulls & turtles' 'blurb.......the seagulls liked it,too!
(the baby turtles........not so much!)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I think we eventually reach a point where.....enough is just enough. And that doesn't mean that we're mean or cold or anything of the sort. It means that we've had enough of the lies and manipulations. Enough of the fear and guilt. Enough of the stolen property and illegal activities. Enough. We're tired of being dragged so we choose to let go. That is simply self preservation.
Welcome to SR.....I hope you find comfort and support here. I do.....and during those tough times.....it helps to know that others understand exactly what you're going through.
gentle hugs
ke
Welcome to SR.....I hope you find comfort and support here. I do.....and during those tough times.....it helps to know that others understand exactly what you're going through.
gentle hugs
ke
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Vale
Thank You,LMN!
I love your writings too.It's good we have this resource to
know we are not alone or crazy.....dealing with this devil (addiction).
As for 'seagulls & turtles' 'blurb.......the seagulls liked it,too!
(the baby turtles........not so much!)
I love your writings too.It's good we have this resource to
know we are not alone or crazy.....dealing with this devil (addiction).
As for 'seagulls & turtles' 'blurb.......the seagulls liked it,too!
(the baby turtles........not so much!)
LOL
Turtle / codie =
Seagull / addict =
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by crazybabie
Sounds like you already know it is LIFE LONG, I hope you get tested if you haven't already due to the needle use. I just did that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Originally Posted by COLDhearted
Yea needles really gross me out, I was tested after I found the track marks. Luckily she didn't infect me or herself...... Yet. Which brings into perspective how much we risk our own lives trying to help addicts..... Is it ever going to be worth it???
IMO, only for very few and then I am not sure it was worth it.
My kids yeah eventually I suppose I would feel it was worthit if they got clean and stayed that way forever.
My AH, nope nothing I have been through or may go through will make it worth it. I do hope he gets clean and stays that way but as for "us" he is killing it bit by bit there is only a tiny thread there and I am sure it is wearing some kind of disguise lol
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by COLDhearted
Yea needles really gross me out, I was tested after I found the track marks. Luckily she didn't infect me or herself...... Yet. Which brings into perspective how much we risk our own lives trying to help addicts..... Is it ever going to be worth it???
sample set of one,strong anecdotal evidence from SR indicates I am not
alone in my lessons learned.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 5
Things took a turn for the worse today..... She tried to kill herself tonight.
We got into a bad argument and I went to cool off and take a shower. When I got out it was dead silent, I knew something was wrong. I went to the room to see what was up. She was just laying there not moving, her eyes closed, her face was dark dark blue, she wasn't conscious ..... A belt was wrapped around her neck so tight and so many times I almost couldn't get it off. She looked dead. I screamed and shook her as I tried desperately to get it off of her neck. I'll write more when I can....
We got into a bad argument and I went to cool off and take a shower. When I got out it was dead silent, I knew something was wrong. I went to the room to see what was up. She was just laying there not moving, her eyes closed, her face was dark dark blue, she wasn't conscious ..... A belt was wrapped around her neck so tight and so many times I almost couldn't get it off. She looked dead. I screamed and shook her as I tried desperately to get it off of her neck. I'll write more when I can....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 5
Well she is ok, I can't believe that happened. It made me realize how scared I am to lose her to this addiction. I don't know where to go from here, it's clear that she needs more help than I can give. I just know I can't walk away, dumb as it sounds, thinking I had lost her broke my walls instantly. All I can do Is keep praying, I know I was put here for her. Please God give me strength......
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