emptyshell

(Sorry this is a bit jumpy bc I'm upset )My husband is an addict, pain pills (several yrs)which lead to herion (a yr). He put me threw hell and I was gonna leave for my own sanity. I became a horrible, angry, depressed, un motivated, untrusting, awful, worrying wreck of a person who found joy in nothing. Then to my suprise He went to the Dr. in Jan after he hit rock bottom ( he stole from me &his family, pawned items of ours including jewelery from my dead loved ones and my engagement ring, ran up a $5000 credit card and $2000 worth of overdraft on his bank account, bills were piling up, and much more) and the doc prescribed suboxone, he did pretty good on it. I decided to stick it out, if he was gonna get help I was gonna try to heal this marriage too. No drug relapses, but I did feel like he was abusing it at times, taking more than prescribed. Don't know if you can get high off it or not. He didnt do counseling (big mistake, I see that now). He had been clean of pills/herion for 7 months. He took a new job with a higher pay, but doesnt get insurance for 6 months, so he had to go off the subs b/c they were too expensive (about 2 months ago). I thought things were finally looking up for us. I see now NO counseling and a short stent on sub did NO good. He began drinking when he felt the sub withdraw, he drank pretty consistantly since (about a 6 pack a day). I felt like he was replacing one thing with another, I would say that to him, but didnt really put up a fuss about it. Then I went on vacation with my sister for 5 days (2 weeks ago), and he gets a DUI. Of course I was unhappy, but I thought maybe this is another wakeup call for him. He suggested going back to the Dr. bc of drinking and I was all for it and counseling of course. Now its been about 2 weeks since the DUI and I think hes back on the drugs. He hasn't drank and since Fri His pupils are constricted, bloodshot glassy eyes, itching, excess energy, etc. I'm not dumb I work in the healthcare field and I know the signs and I especially know HIS signs. He has been denying it, saying he's been taking Benadryl and cold meds etc. I know he's on drugs, I feel it inside. Money has disappeared, he said he gave money to his mom (keep in mind he owes her about $4000 from the last drug fueled rage), I called her she said he didnt give her money that she lent him money in fact! I told her what I think is going on again, so we can form a pack again to not enable at all this time. My husband says she's lying. So far this week he has sold things of his that he used to enjoy, he didn't tell me about it, he's been hiding it. Until I discovered it today, then he makes an excuse why he sold it, I needed gas (so why not ask me for gas???). He is finding excuses to go out, like oh I forgot my cell at work etc. Weird phone calls and texts to people he used to talk to when he was on drugs before (yeah thats right I checked his cell I know their #s by heart, I hate being that way thats not really me, acting like I'm a detective searching the house, his wallet, his car, and his phone, thats ME when HE'S on drugs). He has been gaurding his cell taking it everywhere, when he didnt do that sober, when sober he'd let me look at cell. All day today I have been searching the web and finally signed up here for HELP ( i am not even sure how to get your answers bc I have never used this before). I have read from members that go to Narcanon/Alanon that I need to make boundries so I sat down and wrote em out. &I am seeking out a Naranon meeting in my area. I kept suggesting the Dr to him and I get NO response now, it has only been about 2 weeks since he himself suggested it! Has addiction grabbed him that fast, in a week? BTW, He must've been sober yesterday b/c he was all depressed and barely talked to me, mooping around. My other questions are: when I set these boundries do I just tell him all of them, or do I wait for a specific things to happen that crosses it and then tell him what I expect and will not put up with? I also read that I need to not be angry with my addict, that I need to be supportive. How do I do this? How do I act as if nothing is wrong when all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry histerically. Isn't acting like nothing is wrong just like ignoring the problem? We fought today (according to others I am not supposed to do that I'm supposed to be supportive) and he said if you want me to take a drug test just ask and I said I wanted him to, then he says "you don't need to waste your $ on that and I am not gonna give you the satisfaction, you should just believe me, are you with me or against me here?" This is manipulation right??? Why would he suggest it just to refuse it in the next breath? ANd my other question is aimed more for a recovering addict to answer. I know addicts lie to cover their disease, push you away so you dont get in the way of their drugs, to stop a fight, etc etc. There are oh so many reasons why they lie, but my question isn't why; it is how can they lie to you straight to your face, watch your heart break and you/ their spouse turn into a debilatatingly depressed empty shell that cries all day and they don't even have a feeling about it? Like WOW I am really hurting someone I supposedly love here and I need to snap out of it and quit the drugs, or atleast tell the truth so she can make a fair decision for herself. ANy none addicted person would feel sad/upset that they are hurting someone else so much. I know I would. But not him its like it doesnt phase him, like there are no more feelings in side of him anymore. I don't know what happened to the man I married and the man I thought I had back, but I can tell you that my addict is a horrible horrible person who I resent so much. Please can any one answer my questions and give me some peace of mind?

lost0311

Why do you want to ask him? Will it change your relationship. Will you leave him if he did use again or will you just start an argument. Never ask an addict if he used. The answer will hurt you either way. If he says yes it will hurt that he went behind your back AGAIN. If he says no you will wonder if he is lieing which will only bring you stress and heartache. If him being an addict is something you cant live with than you are better off without. The lies are not the most painful thing when it comes to living with an addict. But the lie will hurt no matter what.

crazybabie

emptyshell, if you can copy and paste your post to a new thread people will see it and you will get responses. Start a thread at the bottom left (new thread)

oooopps

Emptyshell, you will get more individual attention and advise to your issues if you start your own thread. You can do that by Copying and Pasting everything you've wrote to a new thread.

Go back to the main thread page. Upper left hand corner, click on New Thread and proceed from there.

Sunshine2

Wrong post

DJ0822

Bluejay, IMO you are trying to use tools for a healthy relationship (trust, open mindedness, patience, respect, honesty, forgiveness, support, etc) in a non-healthy relationship (needles, saline, a person who is at risk of drugging again because of stress-- which 100% of people experience, he's not any different-- and unreciprocated concern about you -- certainly he knows how much this worries and bothers you, and clearly he's not responding to YOUR stress over this to make you feel better. Switch the situation around - you had hidden needles, he found them, you told him you were injecting saline and had not relapsed but were close to it. He is sick with worry. How would you react to him? Compare that to how he is handling this situation in actuality.

It's sad because you obviously have developed the healthy relationship tools, but unfortunately they will be wasted in a non healthy relationship. YOU deserve more. Please continue reading and educate yourself more about loving yourself more.

If your BF is able to get his act together on his own, he then may be capable of a healthy relationship. If not, do you really want a lopsided relationship? Saline needles are not part of a healthy relationship. Step back, give him room/time to fix him, and you work on YOU (why do you not see the value in protected sex?). You are an intelligent person who is muddled in thoughts because of loving a person with a problem. Supporting and loving him does not equate to your trust/honesty not being reciprocated or your taking chances with your own health and well being. YOU deserve that. Love yourself first.

Sorry if it sounds harsh - I spent 15 years with my first husband (no drug or alcohol problems), but he had a depression and anger problem that made me lose sight of who I was. Everything about our relationship was about my trying to understand his thoughts, stresses, and reactions to normal, everyday things. It took lots of reading and counseling for me to learn what I wanted and deserved in a relationship, and I wasn't getting back the 100% I was putting into it. By staying in it, I was proving I loved the idea of my fantasy marriage more than I loved myself. It was something I didn't want our 2 children to learn and emulate as they got older.

After we divorced (kids were 9 + 7), I later fell in love with a man who put as much effort into our relationship as I did. Sometimes 50/50, sometimes 90/10, sometimes 10/90. We have been married 11 years, and my new hubby and I were able to demonstrate/live a healthy relationship in front of our kids. My ex is still the same (depressed, non motivated, unwilling to invest in a relationship because it's too much work etc), but our kids know they can count on their stepdad to be their rock. My RAS stepdad has been instrumental in getting him back on track. His bio dad's response? Oh well, he'll just become one of those street people. There's nothing I can do about it.". Selfish, one-sided reaction. I'm glad I'm done with that lopsided relationship. Even my kids (now 25 + 23) see how their bio dad can't cope with things like normal people do - they learned life's lessons from their stepdad.

lightseeker

you've received a lot of input here and I agree with it. My ex husband's DOC is cocaine (IV and crack). My whole experience with him was based on numerous lies that he told to get me into a relationship and then to keep me in it. I know that he wanted to stop using....but I also know that he didn't do his part in his recovery program.

If you are going to stay with him whether he relapses or not I'd recommend staying out of any questions. You'll know soon enough if he relapses into full blown addiction (if that is your bottom line). Chances are ANY questions that you ask him will be answered with a lie - so why bother setting yourself up?

The main question about lying has nothing to do with the lies he is telling you....it's the lies that you potentially are telling yourself. What if you tell yourself the first lie and then it sets up this whole sequence of lies? I loved the response up above that asked you about your own lies to yourself. It made me take a look at my self - none of the lies that my husband told me were as huge as the lies that I told myself (and let myself believe). The regrets that I have now are not over HIS lies but the lies that I told myself.

Yes....relapse can be a part of addiction but it is not a given. It's a sign to the person that has relapsed that there are deficits in their recovery program and they need to go back to the drawing board and change things.

I was in Naranon with a woman who chose to stay with her cocaine addicted husband. He worked a program and "tried" to stay clean but has had numerous relapses. She stays with him (for now) but she's learned to live her life separate and apart from him and not rely on him for anything. I know it's her business - but you have to wonder what sort of relationship that really is.

My number one question for you is what are you doing to take care of yourself? Having a loved one with an addiction issue (let alone to cocaine) is big ticket stuff. To survive it, I needed a strong recovery program of my own.....I needed my feet deeply entrenched in a daily program. A program where I go to meetings, have a sponsor, and work the steps. I've long believed that the fact that I became so involved with the magnitude of addiction problems that my husband has says a whole lot about my emotional and mental health. That that relationship was all that I thought that I deserved and that he is who I fell in love with tells me alot about myself....mainly, that I needed (and still need) a whole lot of help.

I don't blame him for his addiction any more than I blame myself for mine (which is to him). I see myself with compassion for the most part now - and as someone that has a life threatening addiction of her own. Loving someone with these sort of issues can destroy you and your own life. I am a poster child for this and definitely have lived the whole scenario out. My only saving grace is the program of recovery that I have found - and worked.

I hope that you are reaching out to the rooms of recovery (in the anon side) if you chose to continue this relationship. No matter what happens with his recovery - you will be better off for it.