Afraid of the First Lie
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 79
Afraid of the First Lie
Hello everyone. I have another post where i told a little about my situation, but I was wondering ... Im afraid if my boyfriend has started using again, and I confront him that he is going to lie to me. Im worried about how that will feel. Im worried that it will somehow change things between us and put up a wall, even though I know he would only be lying because he cant accept what he is doing, because he is ahsamed and wants to hide it, and things like that. I know he wouldnt be lying to hurt me, and I know that the lie wouldnt be at all personal .
Do you remember the first lie that was told to you?
Did it hurt, did you easily accept it? were you angry? did mor lies qiuckly follow?
And maybe no one can say, but it seems like telling such lies to the ones they love would hurt them. Make them feel guilty and even more ashamed of what they are doing. I dont want that for him. I think maybe this also has something to do with why Ive been sitting on this for two weeks.
Do you remember the first lie that was told to you?
Did it hurt, did you easily accept it? were you angry? did mor lies qiuckly follow?
And maybe no one can say, but it seems like telling such lies to the ones they love would hurt them. Make them feel guilty and even more ashamed of what they are doing. I dont want that for him. I think maybe this also has something to do with why Ive been sitting on this for two weeks.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
You can not control his behavior.
He is an addcit, he will lie, and lie some more, everything that comes out of his mouth most likely will be a lie, he is responsible for his behavior.
Living with an alcoholic will make you crazy.
He is an addcit, he will lie, and lie some more, everything that comes out of his mouth most likely will be a lie, he is responsible for his behavior.
Living with an alcoholic will make you crazy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 134
bluejaybird,
My heart hurts for where you are .... my addict is my son, do I remember the first lie he told me?? sigh ... no, there have been so many. Addiction is insidious it blurs the lines of everything. Our love gets all tangled up, the line between loving, helping and enabling is one of the blurriest of all but make no mistake the lying is always there when addiction is active.
Did it hurt me?? no, I recognize it as part of the evil of addiction, there is enough about this that hurts (the reality of his life on the streets, the lost dreams, the fear of the pain of possibly losing him etc ...) that I don't waste time hurting over the stupid lies that he would never tell if sober.
were you angry? ... People are all different in how they process and handle things. For me I've never been an angry person, I rarely get angry at my son or anyone for that matter. I struggle with debilitating sadness more than anything. Maybe anger would be easier I don't know.
did more lies follow quickly? ..... Ha ha ha ha , so many it's just ridiculous
someone else said to trust your instincts, I agree .... if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck etc ...
There's a problem though, sometimes people just refuse to see ducks. Don't be one of those people
My heart hurts for where you are .... my addict is my son, do I remember the first lie he told me?? sigh ... no, there have been so many. Addiction is insidious it blurs the lines of everything. Our love gets all tangled up, the line between loving, helping and enabling is one of the blurriest of all but make no mistake the lying is always there when addiction is active.
Did it hurt me?? no, I recognize it as part of the evil of addiction, there is enough about this that hurts (the reality of his life on the streets, the lost dreams, the fear of the pain of possibly losing him etc ...) that I don't waste time hurting over the stupid lies that he would never tell if sober.
were you angry? ... People are all different in how they process and handle things. For me I've never been an angry person, I rarely get angry at my son or anyone for that matter. I struggle with debilitating sadness more than anything. Maybe anger would be easier I don't know.
did more lies follow quickly? ..... Ha ha ha ha , so many it's just ridiculous
someone else said to trust your instincts, I agree .... if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck etc ...
There's a problem though, sometimes people just refuse to see ducks. Don't be one of those people
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Do you really need to ASK him? Don't you already KNOW the answer? Trust your instincts.
What is the purpose of asking him if you know he is going to lie to you? Addicts lie. They have to.
Yes it hurt. No, I never easily accept when I am being lied to. Yes, eventually I got angry, after I damn near killed myself from the black depression being lied to put me in. Yes, addicts lie and then lie more and lie in order to hide other lies and continue lying even when clean, even when it is easier to tell the truth. They lie to themselves and they BECOME a lie.
What is the purpose of asking him if you know he is going to lie to you? Addicts lie. They have to.
Did it hurt, did you easily accept it? were you angry? did mor lies qiuckly follow?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
I try very hard not to ask questions that will prompt a lie. It's not good for my mental health, and its not good for the addict, either.
Since you can't take any action based on what addicts do, you can only watch for behavior.
If you ask, and he says he was holding the needles for a friend or they were old and he was waiting for a safe place to dispose of them, you won't know if its a truth or a lie, so it will probably only increase your stress.
Since you can't take any action based on what addicts do, you can only watch for behavior.
If you ask, and he says he was holding the needles for a friend or they were old and he was waiting for a safe place to dispose of them, you won't know if its a truth or a lie, so it will probably only increase your stress.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by bluejaybird 
Im afraid if my boyfriend has started using again, and I confront him that he is going to lie to me.
If, by some fluke he agrees he is using, then what? So what?
Either you choose to live with fear and uncertainty, or not. This is the part , the only part, you control.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
my ex told me that lies and secrecy were actually part of the "rush" which, of course, makes sense because it's part of the addiction. sneaking around on people and compulsive lying become part of the addict personality and can even give them a false sense of superiority re: they pull one over on someone who is less "keen"
Once I swore off ever walking, dancing, or tip toeing on eggshells...ever again...I knew I was headed in the right direction. before that there were times when, deep down subconsciously, I maybe didn't really want to know the truth because I knew that the truth would force me to finally make the right decision for myself.
praying for you.
Once I swore off ever walking, dancing, or tip toeing on eggshells...ever again...I knew I was headed in the right direction. before that there were times when, deep down subconsciously, I maybe didn't really want to know the truth because I knew that the truth would force me to finally make the right decision for myself.
praying for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
I agree, the lies are part of the package. My son is my A, I cannot remember the last time I believed him.
Sorry you are going through this, but Addicts are master manipulators and deceptors (sp) and if you in any way become a threat to their drug, they will lie.
Period. end of Sentence.
Sorry you are going through this, but Addicts are master manipulators and deceptors (sp) and if you in any way become a threat to their drug, they will lie.
Period. end of Sentence.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by lesliej
my ex told me that lies and secrecy were actually part of the "rush" which, of course, makes sense because it's part of the addiction. sneaking around on people and compulsive lying become part of the addict personality and can even give them a false sense of superiority re: they pull one over on someone who is less "keen"
Once I swore off ever walking, dancing, or tip toeing on eggshells...ever again...I knew I was headed in the right direction. before that there were times when, deep down subconsciously, I maybe didn't really want to know the truth because I knew that the truth would force me to finally make the right decision for myself.
praying for you.
Once I swore off ever walking, dancing, or tip toeing on eggshells...ever again...I knew I was headed in the right direction. before that there were times when, deep down subconsciously, I maybe didn't really want to know the truth because I knew that the truth would force me to finally make the right decision for myself.
praying for you.
-A Guy Named Jesus
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I wouldn’t be asking about the needles.
I would be stating I saw them by accident getting the gym clothes out.
That simple.
I would add mysteriously they are now gone.
Then I would express my feelings and boundaries on subject.
This doesn’t have to be complicated.
He will either lie or tell the truth, problem is because this isn’t yours so you will not know if it is the truth, or a lie … and sometimes the lies are the truth, of exactly what is going on. Addicts in active addiction will protect their addiction, hence they lie, hence then show exactly that they are addicts in active addiction.
Oh and the lies told to us aren‘t the issue. Maybe you need to be seeking out the lies you are telling yourself. These are the ones that are our problem.
I would be stating I saw them by accident getting the gym clothes out.
That simple.
I would add mysteriously they are now gone.
Then I would express my feelings and boundaries on subject.
This doesn’t have to be complicated.
He will either lie or tell the truth, problem is because this isn’t yours so you will not know if it is the truth, or a lie … and sometimes the lies are the truth, of exactly what is going on. Addicts in active addiction will protect their addiction, hence they lie, hence then show exactly that they are addicts in active addiction.
Oh and the lies told to us aren‘t the issue. Maybe you need to be seeking out the lies you are telling yourself. These are the ones that are our problem.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by incitingsilence
Oh and the lies told to us aren‘t the issue. Maybe you need to be seeking out the lies you are telling yourself. These are the ones that are our problem.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 79
Well you see the reason I haven’t said anything up until now is because I feel that IF he did start using again, then he would tell me when he was ready. I don’t think that by knowing I can change him, or make him stop using. I don’t have a boundary that says I will leave him if he starts using again, and he knows that. It is what it is, and I accept it. I do hope that like last time, he will be able to talk to me about it, and not feel he has to hide it from me because that is not healthy for either of us.
But the thing is that I accidetally saw what I saw, and its troubling me. If I don’t tell him my feelings, then I fall into a pattern of deceiving him, and repressing my feelings. I don’t think that is healthy for either of us.
But in turn, if he isn’t ready to admit; and he lies…. It will be new for me, and I just need to get to a place mentally to accept it and not take it personally because I know that lies are part of the sickness.
It sounds like some of you are able to look at it that way also, and some take it more personally and have maybe suffered more internally because of it. That is why Ive been wondering if the first lie sticks with you, but it seems the lies become such the norm the first gets lost with the last.
Trying to get it all in perspective before I take the next step. Don’t want to be blindsided by my feelings.
I dont think im lying to myself; if I am then I guess Im not in a place to see it emotionally.
But the thing is that I accidetally saw what I saw, and its troubling me. If I don’t tell him my feelings, then I fall into a pattern of deceiving him, and repressing my feelings. I don’t think that is healthy for either of us.
But in turn, if he isn’t ready to admit; and he lies…. It will be new for me, and I just need to get to a place mentally to accept it and not take it personally because I know that lies are part of the sickness.
It sounds like some of you are able to look at it that way also, and some take it more personally and have maybe suffered more internally because of it. That is why Ive been wondering if the first lie sticks with you, but it seems the lies become such the norm the first gets lost with the last.
Trying to get it all in perspective before I take the next step. Don’t want to be blindsided by my feelings.
I dont think im lying to myself; if I am then I guess Im not in a place to see it emotionally.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Bluejaybird, from your post above, you are not willing to let him go so by telling him that you found the needles, what is it that you expect? If he is back in active addiction and does NOT WANT TO STOP, he will protect that addiction at all costs.
You have set yourself up to forgive him and seem to be okay with him being in addiction. This is not an easy relationship to be in so I hope you will closely watch his actions and let that weigh stronger than the words.
Once when I was in the most severe denial you could think of, I found a needle in the drier that had fallen from my sons pocket. My husband was standing next to me and I quickly pocketed the needle to protect my son because I was not willing to give him up. A month later, I had him arrested for grand theft. Now a year later, when trying to reestablish a relationship after his jail and rehab and SLE, he is missing since May 15 after stealing from us again. Hopefully your boyfriend is not as desperate as my son, but I am sorry to say, denial and avoidance only leads to heartbreak.
You have set yourself up to forgive him and seem to be okay with him being in addiction. This is not an easy relationship to be in so I hope you will closely watch his actions and let that weigh stronger than the words.
Once when I was in the most severe denial you could think of, I found a needle in the drier that had fallen from my sons pocket. My husband was standing next to me and I quickly pocketed the needle to protect my son because I was not willing to give him up. A month later, I had him arrested for grand theft. Now a year later, when trying to reestablish a relationship after his jail and rehab and SLE, he is missing since May 15 after stealing from us again. Hopefully your boyfriend is not as desperate as my son, but I am sorry to say, denial and avoidance only leads to heartbreak.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I think, bluejaybird, you are seeking relationship advice, advice about how to communicate openly and honestly with a partner, how to negotiate difficult topics, the kind of advice normal couples seek when they go to counseling. Your posts focus on your desire to be honest with your partner and to communicate in a way that respects the relationship. And the topic of communication is needles.
We have no helpful advice regarding healthy relationship communication with an active drug addict because there is no such thing.
If he is using, you are making it clear in your posts that you intend to stay with him anyway.
You will both go down the tubes. Addiction destroys ALL relationships and ALL families.
If you would like us to help you in recovery from codependency and in finding the strength to face the reality of life with an active drug addict and to learn how not to enable that addict, then we are so very willing to offer you what we know from decades of experience and recovery here on this forum.
But if what you are seeking is advice on how to have a healthy relationship with an active drug addict, we just have nothing to offer, dear. It is not possible.
We have no helpful advice regarding healthy relationship communication with an active drug addict because there is no such thing.
If he is using, you are making it clear in your posts that you intend to stay with him anyway.
You will both go down the tubes. Addiction destroys ALL relationships and ALL families.
If you would like us to help you in recovery from codependency and in finding the strength to face the reality of life with an active drug addict and to learn how not to enable that addict, then we are so very willing to offer you what we know from decades of experience and recovery here on this forum.
But if what you are seeking is advice on how to have a healthy relationship with an active drug addict, we just have nothing to offer, dear. It is not possible.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
It appears to me that you are struggling with yourself. You are afraid to confront your boyfriend because in your heart you don't want to accept the possibility that your boyfriend is using again. You can't hide, though. It will continue to surface. Now is the time to determine if you want a relationship built on truth or lies. If you choose to accept your boyfriend's addiction then there are groups for you to attend to help you protect yourself. Find a group, even if your boyfriend is clean and sober--for your own sanity. You need help to live with an addict. It's not an easy life.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((bluejaybird))
I am so glad you are reaching out for help ~ for support and for answers ~
You may not be in the place in your recovery to see this yet ~ but I wonder if you could take a moment to listen to a few voices of experience from SR ~ we aren't trying to hurt you, to make you leave him or to speak ill of him ~ we are just sharing our experience, strenth and hope ~
We have been there ~ the "light" has come on for us and more has been revealed ~ we are just trying to share this with you & try to help you avoid some of the pain, heartache and lessons we had to learn ~
and to comfort you as you go thru the ones you have to experience ~
You said you didn't want to confront your BF because he might lie to you ~ but i'm wondering if you realize he is probably already telling lies? You found hidden needles in his bag?
I have heard many excuses but I can't think of any that make sense for a recoverying addict to have needles in their bag ~
An addict in recovery usually goes way overboard to prove they aren't using and would be on the up and up about why something like that would be in their bag ~
Just from my experience ~
Again, I'm not trying to deliberately hurt you or say bad things about your BF ~ just trying to share my e, s, & h ~ that I realized it didn't matter whether I confronted the A's in my life or not ~ the lies were still there ~
It was suggested to me to focus on my recovery & what was healthy for me ~
wishing you the best regardless of what happens around you!!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
I am so glad you are reaching out for help ~ for support and for answers ~
You may not be in the place in your recovery to see this yet ~ but I wonder if you could take a moment to listen to a few voices of experience from SR ~ we aren't trying to hurt you, to make you leave him or to speak ill of him ~ we are just sharing our experience, strenth and hope ~
We have been there ~ the "light" has come on for us and more has been revealed ~ we are just trying to share this with you & try to help you avoid some of the pain, heartache and lessons we had to learn ~
and to comfort you as you go thru the ones you have to experience ~
You said you didn't want to confront your BF because he might lie to you ~ but i'm wondering if you realize he is probably already telling lies? You found hidden needles in his bag?
I have heard many excuses but I can't think of any that make sense for a recoverying addict to have needles in their bag ~
An addict in recovery usually goes way overboard to prove they aren't using and would be on the up and up about why something like that would be in their bag ~
Just from my experience ~
Again, I'm not trying to deliberately hurt you or say bad things about your BF ~ just trying to share my e, s, & h ~ that I realized it didn't matter whether I confronted the A's in my life or not ~ the lies were still there ~
It was suggested to me to focus on my recovery & what was healthy for me ~
wishing you the best regardless of what happens around you!!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 79
I think maybe I was misunderstood. I don’t want him to go back to using drugs, especially IV drugs. I don’t condone drug use, and I have never used drugs.
From what I know of him, it is in his heart to stop using, and he has been actively getting treatment from a doctor to help him do that. But I know it is hard to stop, and from what Ive been told relapse is part of recovery. So to me, IF he has relapsed then he will get through it, and get back to working hard again to stay clean.
When I say that I don’t have a boundary in place that says if he uses I will leave him, that is what I mean. Relapse happens, and if he still has the desire to be clean and is actively working towards that then I don’t feel that staying with him is enabling.
If he became an active user who didn’t want to stop, then no I couldn’t think of having a long term future with him.
From what I know of him, it is in his heart to stop using, and he has been actively getting treatment from a doctor to help him do that. But I know it is hard to stop, and from what Ive been told relapse is part of recovery. So to me, IF he has relapsed then he will get through it, and get back to working hard again to stay clean.
When I say that I don’t have a boundary in place that says if he uses I will leave him, that is what I mean. Relapse happens, and if he still has the desire to be clean and is actively working towards that then I don’t feel that staying with him is enabling.
If he became an active user who didn’t want to stop, then no I couldn’t think of having a long term future with him.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
bluejaybird, do you know what is his drug of choice (DOC)?
I know you see what he says is in his heart, what he says he wants, and the fact that he is going to a doctor for help, as positives and things that give you hope. And you want to love that person and believe in that person and continue to stay with that person. We ALL did. But every day that you keep yourself emotionally invested in this relationship with an addict, you are hurting yourself. You don't know it yet, but bluejay, STAYING with an active addict, whether he is "trying to quit" or not, IS enabling him. By staying with him you are telling him that no matter what he does to himself, whether he uses or not, it's OK with you. And the addicted mind translates that into "It's OK to continue doing this." They see no reason to change if everyone around them accepts it or tries to "help" them in their own lies that they want to seek Recovery. This is why, eventually, they wind up alone, with no friends, no family, no anyone.
When you are in a relationship with an addict, you become a crutch for them and you enable without knowing and his disease will only get worse. You WEAKEN them. I have found that just TALKING to my actively using and actively "trying to quit" XBF just strengthened his addictive thinking, fooled him into believing he was normal and had no problem, didn't NEED to quit. And his behavior got sicker and sicker. He did such sick and disgusting things and told me about them, with no understanding whatever that they were sick and disgusting. It was his own "normal."
Yes, addicts often DO want to have a loving relationship. And they become dependent on us in more ways than we realize. But as EnglishGarden said above, addicts just cannot have healthy relationships.
Please consider going to Al-Anon and/or Nar-Anon.
I know you see what he says is in his heart, what he says he wants, and the fact that he is going to a doctor for help, as positives and things that give you hope. And you want to love that person and believe in that person and continue to stay with that person. We ALL did. But every day that you keep yourself emotionally invested in this relationship with an addict, you are hurting yourself. You don't know it yet, but bluejay, STAYING with an active addict, whether he is "trying to quit" or not, IS enabling him. By staying with him you are telling him that no matter what he does to himself, whether he uses or not, it's OK with you. And the addicted mind translates that into "It's OK to continue doing this." They see no reason to change if everyone around them accepts it or tries to "help" them in their own lies that they want to seek Recovery. This is why, eventually, they wind up alone, with no friends, no family, no anyone.
When you are in a relationship with an addict, you become a crutch for them and you enable without knowing and his disease will only get worse. You WEAKEN them. I have found that just TALKING to my actively using and actively "trying to quit" XBF just strengthened his addictive thinking, fooled him into believing he was normal and had no problem, didn't NEED to quit. And his behavior got sicker and sicker. He did such sick and disgusting things and told me about them, with no understanding whatever that they were sick and disgusting. It was his own "normal."
Yes, addicts often DO want to have a loving relationship. And they become dependent on us in more ways than we realize. But as EnglishGarden said above, addicts just cannot have healthy relationships.
Please consider going to Al-Anon and/or Nar-Anon.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
