Afraid of the First Lie
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
bluejaybird, do you know what is his drug of choice (DOC)?
I know you see what he says is in his heart, what he says he wants, and the fact that he is going to a doctor for help, as positives and things that give you hope. And you want to love that person and believe in that person and continue to stay with that person. We ALL did. But every day that you keep yourself emotionally invested in this relationship with an addict, you are hurting yourself. You don't know it yet, but bluejay, STAYING with an active addict, whether he is "trying to quit" or not, IS enabling him. By staying with him you are telling him that no matter what he does to himself, whether he uses or not, it's OK with you. And the addicted mind translates that into "It's OK to continue doing this." They see no reason to change if everyone around them accepts it. This is why, eventually, they wind up alone, with no friends, no family, no anyone.
When you are in a relationship with an addict, you become a crutch for them and you enable without knowing and his disease will only get worse. You WEAKEN them. I have found that just TALKING to my actively using and actively "trying to quit" XBF just strengthened his addictive thinking, fooled him into believing he was normal and had no problem, didn't NEED to quit. And his behavior got sicker and sicker. He did such sick and disgusting things and told me about them, with no understanding whatever that they were sick and disgusting. It was his own "normal."
Yes, addicts often DO want to have a loving relationship. And they become dependent on us in more ways than we realize. But as EnglishGarden said above, addicts just cannot have healthy relationships.
Please consider going to Al-Anon and/or Nar-Anon.
I know you see what he says is in his heart, what he says he wants, and the fact that he is going to a doctor for help, as positives and things that give you hope. And you want to love that person and believe in that person and continue to stay with that person. We ALL did. But every day that you keep yourself emotionally invested in this relationship with an addict, you are hurting yourself. You don't know it yet, but bluejay, STAYING with an active addict, whether he is "trying to quit" or not, IS enabling him. By staying with him you are telling him that no matter what he does to himself, whether he uses or not, it's OK with you. And the addicted mind translates that into "It's OK to continue doing this." They see no reason to change if everyone around them accepts it. This is why, eventually, they wind up alone, with no friends, no family, no anyone.
When you are in a relationship with an addict, you become a crutch for them and you enable without knowing and his disease will only get worse. You WEAKEN them. I have found that just TALKING to my actively using and actively "trying to quit" XBF just strengthened his addictive thinking, fooled him into believing he was normal and had no problem, didn't NEED to quit. And his behavior got sicker and sicker. He did such sick and disgusting things and told me about them, with no understanding whatever that they were sick and disgusting. It was his own "normal."
Yes, addicts often DO want to have a loving relationship. And they become dependent on us in more ways than we realize. But as EnglishGarden said above, addicts just cannot have healthy relationships.
Please consider going to Al-Anon and/or Nar-Anon.
I do understand that if he was actively using and didnt want to stop then if i stayed it would be like not encouraging him to stop, and it would be keepign his life somewhat normal at least in certain areas.
the main thing he used is coccaine, but I think there may have been some other things too if he couldnt get it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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bluejaybird, is he using drugs now or not?
Even when they get into active Recovery, not just going to a doctor, they are still sick. Addiction never goes away. There is no cure and they do not magically change just because they quit using. There are HUGE issues they need to address, work they must do on themselves. They actually should not be IN a relationship for at least the first year after they get clean. They cannot handle normal relationships. You will not be able to get any normal relationship or personal needs met by this person. And putting expectations or wishes on a recovering addict that they meet normal relationship needs or your personal needs compromises their sobriety. It is not the loving thing to do to stay with an addict to "help" them seek and maintain Recovery. It truly isn't.
Even when they get into active Recovery, not just going to a doctor, they are still sick. Addiction never goes away. There is no cure and they do not magically change just because they quit using. There are HUGE issues they need to address, work they must do on themselves. They actually should not be IN a relationship for at least the first year after they get clean. They cannot handle normal relationships. You will not be able to get any normal relationship or personal needs met by this person. And putting expectations or wishes on a recovering addict that they meet normal relationship needs or your personal needs compromises their sobriety. It is not the loving thing to do to stay with an addict to "help" them seek and maintain Recovery. It truly isn't.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
A half truth is a whole lie and an omission of the truth is still a lie.
I can't begin to tell you how dumb I was.... I used to ask my husband...are you taking pills again? (If I am asking, I know the answer). He would swear on everything and anything he was NOT. How I needed to trust him.... blah blah blah.
After he was "busted" for using and lying - he would try to excuse it by saying "of course, I am going to lie...I don't want to fight with you, I don't want to hurt you, or I knew you would make a big deal of it and kick me out."
Some where is my sick mind, I began to understand why he would lie when there is NEVER an excuse to lie. Then I learned he lied so he could protect his addiction. That simple.
The sickness that comes with addiction effects us all....not just the addict.
ETA - My husband says he lied because he did NOT believe he was an addict. "He could quit any time."
I can't begin to tell you how dumb I was.... I used to ask my husband...are you taking pills again? (If I am asking, I know the answer). He would swear on everything and anything he was NOT. How I needed to trust him.... blah blah blah.
After he was "busted" for using and lying - he would try to excuse it by saying "of course, I am going to lie...I don't want to fight with you, I don't want to hurt you, or I knew you would make a big deal of it and kick me out."
Some where is my sick mind, I began to understand why he would lie when there is NEVER an excuse to lie. Then I learned he lied so he could protect his addiction. That simple.
The sickness that comes with addiction effects us all....not just the addict.
ETA - My husband says he lied because he did NOT believe he was an addict. "He could quit any time."
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The needles indicate to me it is likely not cocaine and most likely heroin.
So....I understand you want to wait this out and see if he wants to get clean and whether he is taking vigorous actions of recovery to stay clean. If heroin is his drug now, and he wants to get off it, he will have a terrible detox and you will witness it if he stops using. Maybe you can just google "heroin withdrawal" so you'll recognize symptoms when they come. It is not the flu. You may think it is. It will be the flu from hell and bone pain and the most massive depression imaginable. Heroin addicts are desperate to avoid withdrawal because it is so terrible. If they are medically detoxed it is much more humane for them.
Always ALWAYS use birth control and insist on condoms. Heroin addicts often share needles when they're high, they get terrible diseases and pass them on to the women they are sleeping with, and some of those diseases can be fatal to you....as well as to a newborn baby should you get pregnant. Please be careful.
It is unrealistic to expect him to seek treatment for what is called the "family disease of addiction" by going to meetings of Narcotics Anonymous and at the same time deciding that you won't go to 12-Step meetings of your own--Nar-Anon or others--because you think you do not need them. So if you want to be his partner, if you want to be an active participant and person in recovery from the family disease of addiction which impacts your relationship, then go to your own 12-Step meeting every week no matter what. Addiction specialists are constantly flummoxed by family members who just want to sit back and expect the addict to do his recovery work and refuse to do theirs. So do yours.
If he's using, things will get bad for you, so we will be here to support you when you know more and need more specific information.
If you intend to be the partner of an addict, you really do need to thoroughly educate yourself about drug addiction, and if you do not do this, you will not be a good partner for any recovering drug addict. The public library will be a good place to spend a morning reading.
So....I understand you want to wait this out and see if he wants to get clean and whether he is taking vigorous actions of recovery to stay clean. If heroin is his drug now, and he wants to get off it, he will have a terrible detox and you will witness it if he stops using. Maybe you can just google "heroin withdrawal" so you'll recognize symptoms when they come. It is not the flu. You may think it is. It will be the flu from hell and bone pain and the most massive depression imaginable. Heroin addicts are desperate to avoid withdrawal because it is so terrible. If they are medically detoxed it is much more humane for them.
Always ALWAYS use birth control and insist on condoms. Heroin addicts often share needles when they're high, they get terrible diseases and pass them on to the women they are sleeping with, and some of those diseases can be fatal to you....as well as to a newborn baby should you get pregnant. Please be careful.
It is unrealistic to expect him to seek treatment for what is called the "family disease of addiction" by going to meetings of Narcotics Anonymous and at the same time deciding that you won't go to 12-Step meetings of your own--Nar-Anon or others--because you think you do not need them. So if you want to be his partner, if you want to be an active participant and person in recovery from the family disease of addiction which impacts your relationship, then go to your own 12-Step meeting every week no matter what. Addiction specialists are constantly flummoxed by family members who just want to sit back and expect the addict to do his recovery work and refuse to do theirs. So do yours.
If he's using, things will get bad for you, so we will be here to support you when you know more and need more specific information.
If you intend to be the partner of an addict, you really do need to thoroughly educate yourself about drug addiction, and if you do not do this, you will not be a good partner for any recovering drug addict. The public library will be a good place to spend a morning reading.
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
The needles indicate to me it is likely not cocaine and most likely heroin.
So....I understand you want to wait this out and see if he wants to get clean and whether he is taking vigorous actions of recovery to stay clean. If heroin is his drug now, and he wants to get off it, he will have a terrible detox and you will witness it if he stops using. Maybe you can just google "heroin withdrawal" so you'll recognize symptoms when they come. It is not the flu. You may think it is. It will be the flu from hell and bone pain and the most massive depression imaginable. Heroin addicts are desperate to avoid withdrawal because it is so terrible. If they are medically detoxed it is much more humane for them.
Always ALWAYS use birth control and insist on condoms. Heroin addicts often share needles when they're high, they get terrible diseases and pass them on to the women they are sleeping with, and some of those diseases can be fatal to you....as well as to a newborn baby should you get pregnant. Please be careful.
It is unrealistic to expect him to seek treatment for what is called the "family disease of addiction" by going to meetings of Narcotics Anonymous and at the same time deciding that you won't go to 12-Step meetings of your own--Nar-Anon or others--because you think you do not need them. So if you want to be his partner, if you want to be an active participant and person in recovery from the family disease of addiction which impacts your relationship, then go to your own 12-Step meeting every week no matter what. Addiction specialists are constantly flummoxed by family members who just want to sit back and expect the addict to do his recovery work and refuse to do theirs. So do yours.
If he's using, things will get bad for you, so we will be here to support you when you know more and need more specific information.
If you intend to be the partner of an addict, you really do need to thoroughly educate yourself about drug addiction, and if you do not do this, you will not be a good partner for any recovering drug addict. The public library will be a good place to spend a morning reading.
So....I understand you want to wait this out and see if he wants to get clean and whether he is taking vigorous actions of recovery to stay clean. If heroin is his drug now, and he wants to get off it, he will have a terrible detox and you will witness it if he stops using. Maybe you can just google "heroin withdrawal" so you'll recognize symptoms when they come. It is not the flu. You may think it is. It will be the flu from hell and bone pain and the most massive depression imaginable. Heroin addicts are desperate to avoid withdrawal because it is so terrible. If they are medically detoxed it is much more humane for them.
Always ALWAYS use birth control and insist on condoms. Heroin addicts often share needles when they're high, they get terrible diseases and pass them on to the women they are sleeping with, and some of those diseases can be fatal to you....as well as to a newborn baby should you get pregnant. Please be careful.
It is unrealistic to expect him to seek treatment for what is called the "family disease of addiction" by going to meetings of Narcotics Anonymous and at the same time deciding that you won't go to 12-Step meetings of your own--Nar-Anon or others--because you think you do not need them. So if you want to be his partner, if you want to be an active participant and person in recovery from the family disease of addiction which impacts your relationship, then go to your own 12-Step meeting every week no matter what. Addiction specialists are constantly flummoxed by family members who just want to sit back and expect the addict to do his recovery work and refuse to do theirs. So do yours.
If he's using, things will get bad for you, so we will be here to support you when you know more and need more specific information.
If you intend to be the partner of an addict, you really do need to thoroughly educate yourself about drug addiction, and if you do not do this, you will not be a good partner for any recovering drug addict. The public library will be a good place to spend a morning reading.
Yes Im certain, and I already have read up on cocaine in great detail.
I am also certain that he has not been using anything up until very recently IF he is, because he has been drug tested by his employer.
Right now we are not using condoms, but I do use birth control. That is one of the reasons I do need to find out about what is going on. I mean its not like after I looked in the duffle and found needles, I could then whip out a condom without explaining why all the sudden I felt that was necessary. And yes I realize that was / is a risk and probably really dumb choice to make because its my health at stake, but I have been like I said confused as to how to proceed.
Do you work in addiction or something as you seem to have an awful lot of information? Or is you husband or boyfriend an addict and still with you?
I have no problem supporting him by going to meetings, but he doesnt go and he wont start just because I do.
"you will not be a good partner for any recovering drug addict"
I DONT REALLY PLAN ON HAVING ANOTHER IF THIS ONE DOESNT WORK OUT
sorry, that made me laugh.
Thank you englishgarden for taking so much tiime to reply back to me.
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
bluejaybird, is he using drugs now or not?
Even when they get into active Recovery, not just going to a doctor, they are still sick. Addiction never goes away. There is no cure and they do not magically change just because they quit using. There are HUGE issues they need to address, work they must do on themselves. They actually should not be IN a relationship for at least the first year after they get clean. They cannot handle normal relationships. You will not be able to get any normal relationship or personal needs met by this person. And putting expectations or wishes on a recovering addict that they meet normal relationship needs or your personal needs compromises their sobriety. It is not the loving thing to do to stay with an addict to "help" them seek and maintain Recovery. It truly isn't.
Even when they get into active Recovery, not just going to a doctor, they are still sick. Addiction never goes away. There is no cure and they do not magically change just because they quit using. There are HUGE issues they need to address, work they must do on themselves. They actually should not be IN a relationship for at least the first year after they get clean. They cannot handle normal relationships. You will not be able to get any normal relationship or personal needs met by this person. And putting expectations or wishes on a recovering addict that they meet normal relationship needs or your personal needs compromises their sobriety. It is not the loving thing to do to stay with an addict to "help" them seek and maintain Recovery. It truly isn't.
We have already been together for over a year. He only had one slip a few months back, but he did tell me several weeks ago that he was feeling the stress of all the things going on in his life. And there have been legitimate stresses for him so I understood.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Recovery addicts/alcoholics can stay sober/clean thru stressful periods in life if they are truly working a program of recovery ~ many of the wonderful people we have on SR can give testimony to that ~
Not to be rude, but addicts/alcoholics don't drink/use because they are stressed - they use/drink because they are not in recovery and are doing what addicts do.
It is the nature of the disease ~ doesn't make the bad people - just makes them suffers of a disease ~
The best way to help him is to help yourself get healthy ~
Just my e, s, & h~
Not to be rude, but addicts/alcoholics don't drink/use because they are stressed - they use/drink because they are not in recovery and are doing what addicts do.
It is the nature of the disease ~ doesn't make the bad people - just makes them suffers of a disease ~
The best way to help him is to help yourself get healthy ~
Just my e, s, & h~
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Was he injecting pain meds because when broken down the medication can be injected and it is like injecting heroin. My son moved on to heroin because it was cheaper to use.
Like you my son's girlfriend is in a relationship with a recovering addict. It would benefit her, too, to learn as much as she can about addiction and to attend meetings for friends and families. She is a nurse so she has some knowledge and says she knows an addict in active addiction when she sees one. I wonder if one reason she is interested in him is her desire to help him what with her being a nurse. I hope she's being wise and careful. Her boyfriend is my son and I love him dearly but I'm also a realist.
Learn all you can so you are prepared for whatever lies ahead.
Like you my son's girlfriend is in a relationship with a recovering addict. It would benefit her, too, to learn as much as she can about addiction and to attend meetings for friends and families. She is a nurse so she has some knowledge and says she knows an addict in active addiction when she sees one. I wonder if one reason she is interested in him is her desire to help him what with her being a nurse. I hope she's being wise and careful. Her boyfriend is my son and I love him dearly but I'm also a realist.
Learn all you can so you are prepared for whatever lies ahead.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by bluejaybird
I have no problem supporting him by going to meetings, but he doesnt go and he wont start just because I do.
Generally, friends and family of alcoholics go to Alanon and friends and family of addicts go to Naranon meetings. If he was interested he could go to NA meetings.
Have you ever checked out an Alanon or Naranon meeting? You might be pleasantly surprised.
The first thing that stood out to me about this post was the title ..... Afraid of the First Lie. Being afraid in a relationship is no way to live.
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Thank you everyone. Im not sure I answered your questions adequately in order for you to help me, but I appreciate your efforts.
I have had a few people who have really got through to me. And now I feel sort of stupid and Im getting a bit angry at myself. I have been being kind, and loving, and nurturing, and supportive, and not trying to push him EVEN after I found needles in his duffle. There is no explanation EXCEPT that he is using the needles. I never carry needles. Do you? Ive waited almost two weeks and Ive been having unprotected sex with him and putting myself at risk.
Its not his fault any of that - it is all me. Im an idiot.
I have not been able to understand that an addict using WILL lie, and they WILL make you think they are telling the truth. And Im not used to that, and because I have been thinking he is sincere in working recovery, going to see his doctor and his behavior... it doesnt mean it is true. It COULD all be a lie. he could be telling all of us, and behaving this way to maintain and sustain relationships and his job.
I realize that now and I didnt before I started reading here.
So I have a lot to think about before I talk to him. and I need to find a way to verify what he tells me. But how can I verify that they were old and he tossed them, or they were steroids he decided to try, or somethng like that?
I have had a few people who have really got through to me. And now I feel sort of stupid and Im getting a bit angry at myself. I have been being kind, and loving, and nurturing, and supportive, and not trying to push him EVEN after I found needles in his duffle. There is no explanation EXCEPT that he is using the needles. I never carry needles. Do you? Ive waited almost two weeks and Ive been having unprotected sex with him and putting myself at risk.
Its not his fault any of that - it is all me. Im an idiot.
I have not been able to understand that an addict using WILL lie, and they WILL make you think they are telling the truth. And Im not used to that, and because I have been thinking he is sincere in working recovery, going to see his doctor and his behavior... it doesnt mean it is true. It COULD all be a lie. he could be telling all of us, and behaving this way to maintain and sustain relationships and his job.
I realize that now and I didnt before I started reading here.
So I have a lot to think about before I talk to him. and I need to find a way to verify what he tells me. But how can I verify that they were old and he tossed them, or they were steroids he decided to try, or somethng like that?
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he is sincere in working recovery, going to see his doctor and his behavior
when my ex was using heroin, he would also go to his doctor(S). A lot of them! To get all sorts of pills... kloninpin, xanax, vicodin, hydro-something... so much more. He was doctor shopping to get pills on top of shooting heroin.
Just want to throw this out there because you are inside this web right now and cannot see as clearly as those of us that got out.
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Location: new moon road
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bluejaybird,
To answer your questions a bit:
I had a relationship with a longtime recovering (15 years) drug (cocaine/heroin) addict who I believe may have relapsed. He had what some here call a "flip".....the flip from someone stable and kind (Dr. Jekyll) to someone suddenly unstable and cold (Mr. Hyde). This flip occurred after he had a very bad cycling accident and had to receive morphine for the first few days at the hospital.
Within two months of his release from the hospital, the personality flip occurred (another word you'll see here is "blindsided"--that's what happens to us when an addict flips), and we had a conflict and have not communicated since. That was a year and a half ago. My choice is to stay no contact. If he works a program of recovery, the 9th Step will place him at my front door some day. If I never see him, I accept that who he was the day I last saw him is who he is today. And, as I told a friend recently, I am finished with being in relationship with Centers of the Universe... who he was that last day is not anyone I want in my life. If he isn't working a program and showing sanity and humility and mutual regard and mutual honesty, then I prefer he stay away. Like many here, I have learned to be all right alone rather than in misery with a partner.
Did I cry a million tears, curled up on my couch, for a long time afterward? Yes. But I still stayed away. Here we learn when to stay away.
I married an alcoholic many years ago and went into recovery then and read a lot of books, sat in a lot of meetings, and had a lot of counseling. I continue all those recovery actions for myself. The more we educate ourselves about the disease and its tricks and turns, the better we help our addicted loved ones and ourselves.
The people on this forum try to be very well-educated about the disease. Many have literally decades of recovery, and they have opened my eyes to aspects of drug addiction I would never have known but for SR. And drug addiction is very dark, and neither you nor I, bluejaybird, can afford to be naive.
This is why it is such a gift to anyone in your situation to find SR. In recovery--both from addiction and from codependency--to be able to get counsel from longtimers living healthy lives is vital to our survival.
Some good books you can locate at a used book website called alibris.com or through a library are:
"The Addictive Personality" by Craig Nakken. (Hazelden)
"I Want My Life Back" by Steve Hamilton (Hazelden)
For your own recovery, all the books by Melody Beattie on codependency, and also a book written about alcoholic relationship which also applies to all relationships of addiction is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews.
Nar-Anon and Al-Anon Meetings have great free pamphlets which instruct loved ones of addicts what the right things and wrong things are to do when dealing with an addicted loved one. Al-Anon has a free one called "Alcoholism: The Merry-Go-Round of Denial" which I think so perfectly describes the love relationship of addiction. I always have a copy of it close at hand, to keep my head clear. It is very hard to stay away from someone one loves deeply but cannot trust because that person is in active addiction. We need support to do this.
So bluejaybird, all the support you can get will be very good, for you and for your boyfriend.
To answer your questions a bit:
I had a relationship with a longtime recovering (15 years) drug (cocaine/heroin) addict who I believe may have relapsed. He had what some here call a "flip".....the flip from someone stable and kind (Dr. Jekyll) to someone suddenly unstable and cold (Mr. Hyde). This flip occurred after he had a very bad cycling accident and had to receive morphine for the first few days at the hospital.
Within two months of his release from the hospital, the personality flip occurred (another word you'll see here is "blindsided"--that's what happens to us when an addict flips), and we had a conflict and have not communicated since. That was a year and a half ago. My choice is to stay no contact. If he works a program of recovery, the 9th Step will place him at my front door some day. If I never see him, I accept that who he was the day I last saw him is who he is today. And, as I told a friend recently, I am finished with being in relationship with Centers of the Universe... who he was that last day is not anyone I want in my life. If he isn't working a program and showing sanity and humility and mutual regard and mutual honesty, then I prefer he stay away. Like many here, I have learned to be all right alone rather than in misery with a partner.
Did I cry a million tears, curled up on my couch, for a long time afterward? Yes. But I still stayed away. Here we learn when to stay away.
I married an alcoholic many years ago and went into recovery then and read a lot of books, sat in a lot of meetings, and had a lot of counseling. I continue all those recovery actions for myself. The more we educate ourselves about the disease and its tricks and turns, the better we help our addicted loved ones and ourselves.
The people on this forum try to be very well-educated about the disease. Many have literally decades of recovery, and they have opened my eyes to aspects of drug addiction I would never have known but for SR. And drug addiction is very dark, and neither you nor I, bluejaybird, can afford to be naive.
This is why it is such a gift to anyone in your situation to find SR. In recovery--both from addiction and from codependency--to be able to get counsel from longtimers living healthy lives is vital to our survival.
Some good books you can locate at a used book website called alibris.com or through a library are:
"The Addictive Personality" by Craig Nakken. (Hazelden)
"I Want My Life Back" by Steve Hamilton (Hazelden)
For your own recovery, all the books by Melody Beattie on codependency, and also a book written about alcoholic relationship which also applies to all relationships of addiction is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews.
Nar-Anon and Al-Anon Meetings have great free pamphlets which instruct loved ones of addicts what the right things and wrong things are to do when dealing with an addicted loved one. Al-Anon has a free one called "Alcoholism: The Merry-Go-Round of Denial" which I think so perfectly describes the love relationship of addiction. I always have a copy of it close at hand, to keep my head clear. It is very hard to stay away from someone one loves deeply but cannot trust because that person is in active addiction. We need support to do this.
So bluejaybird, all the support you can get will be very good, for you and for your boyfriend.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Originally Posted by bluejaybird
But how can I verify that they were old and he tossed them, or they were steroids he decided to try, or somethng like that?
When my son was still living at home with me and my husband, he had a kidney stone episode. He was very convincing. Looking back now I wonder if he even had kidney stones. After the first kidney stone passed (and the drugs he was taking at the time were gone), he started having more pain. He wanted me to take him back to the doctor. So I took him. He even ended up in ER a couple days after that. I don't know today how much of any of it was real. I think he had kidney stones, maybe one, maybe more--or maybe none. I just don't know. He even went so far as to make a big production of flushing some pain meds down the toilet so that he wouldn't be tempted to use them after the kidney stones finally passed--yet he was doctor shopping for more pain meds a couple days later. What I do know is he lost all my trust after that episode. He moved out of our home a couple weeks later.
For me his mother it was necessary for him to get on with his life and stop abusing my and my husband's trust and love. He's an adult and we don't owe him a roof over his head and food in his belly and drugs on top of it all. I will always love my son but allowing him to do what he was doing to me and his Dad was totally unacceptable. I just hope he learned something helpful during the seven months he was living with us. My life is certainly calmer and more pleasant right now not having to wonder what is true and what isn't.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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bluejaybird, please, take control of your own body. Either don't have sex with him or use condoms. If you cannot have the conversation you need to have with your BF, please consult a therapist or doctor to assist you with this. This is your responsibility to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Hi Learntolive - your words have really had an impact on me this morning. That even if they are 'in active recovery they are still sick'!!!! Whew!!!!! Every day I learn more from SR - and every day I thank God for SR and all you wonderful people who are sharing and teaching and supporting us..... Thank you
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sounds like you do not trust him and with good reason. Trust is something that must be earned. I am sure many who have allowed an addict back into their lives live with some type of fear or anxiety, waiting for the shoe to drop, a relapse, catching them in a lie, etc.. then that sinking feeling of dread that oh no! here we go again. Don't know what to tell you other than you are not alone and if you are afraid to ask, I think you already have your answer. To Thine Own Self Be True.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
bluejaybird, please, take control of your own body. Either don't have sex with him or use condoms. If you cannot have the conversation you need to have with your BF, please consult a therapist or doctor to assist you with this. This is your responsibility to yourself.
The reason I didn’t approach him with my concerns, is because I was hoping he would come to me and tell me what was going on, and I wanted to give him time to do that.
But what I learned from being here on SR is that while Im giving him time to find acceptance in what he is doing and tell me about it…
A) Im putting myself at continued risk everytime we have unprotected sex
B) I could be waiting forever because if he is back in active addiction, then he will LIE to me and he may never tell me voluntarily
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yes and Yes, bluejay. I want you to know I am not badmouthing or judging your BF or you. I just want you to understand that addicts lie. So you must make sure you are protecting yourself.
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