To newbies - why people respond the way they do
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by Limiya 
The first timers who post here will find the beginning hard. Their emotions are so incredibly fragile when they first come here, that anything which is not immediately 'comforting' is too 'harsh'.
They probably get a lot of emotional abuse on a daily basis, and are overly sensitive to things people say to them. And we all know you can't always tell a persons 'tone' of voice on an internet forum.
They want to hear good news, that things will get better if they do this or that. Something can be fixed. They want to see success stories. Most of the advice they receive they can't believe or don't want to believe and at first i think they will find it difficult to face. That they are helpless.
I know i found it hard once or twice, but i stuck it out.
It's something we all have to keep in mind when responding to the newbies.
It's a delicate subject with Newbies and always will be i think.
I hope i made sense.
They probably get a lot of emotional abuse on a daily basis, and are overly sensitive to things people say to them. And we all know you can't always tell a persons 'tone' of voice on an internet forum.
They want to hear good news, that things will get better if they do this or that. Something can be fixed. They want to see success stories. Most of the advice they receive they can't believe or don't want to believe and at first i think they will find it difficult to face. That they are helpless.
I know i found it hard once or twice, but i stuck it out.
It's something we all have to keep in mind when responding to the newbies.
It's a delicate subject with Newbies and always will be i think.
I hope i made sense.
the 'sticky's'......but since they OBVIOUSLY didn't apply to the special person I was dealing with,I simply bypassed them. One day I got curious and thought
I'd take a peek and what these poor addicts & codies (so completely unlike my 'special' addict and me) were going through (I went cyberslumming).
I was AGHAST! Every tactic,every mystery,every last trick they pull---there it was in black and white.
PAINFUL truth.....she wasn't special at all.
(neither was I)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
yeah being a newbie, this place is scary as. besides the fact that the words drugs and addiction are scary enough, but no one wants to believe that the person that brought them to this site is an addict. for in movies addicts dont seem like everyday people. and for me my bf was not like someone in a movie. he had a job, and a nice place to live, and seemed to be functioning very well. so the scary picture everyone on this site painted, didn't gel with what i saw in my reality. but what you were telling me was showing me a hint of was what my future could be like.
but i can understand why many feel intimidated by what you say. particularly when so many of you are saying the same thing, and that is not what someone is ready to hear. shock and awe doesn't work with everyone. and some just don't want to face the truth yet. and nothing anyone says will change that. i think many of you are in a very difficult spot. you want to try and stop someone feeling the enormous pain you have all gone through, and it must be so frustrating when someone doesn't want to get it, or takes your words as harsh or extreme. try not to take it personally. your passionate responses have helped so many people already. but remember they are just one person reaching out for help or answers, and it could feel like a large group all attacking, when its about a topic that you all get very personal about.
sometimes in forum environment, people can get too emotionally connected to a topic/person, that is no longer just sharing info, but goes to trying to stop or save them from making our mistakes. i think that is when the person feels attacked and your messages get lost.
i appreciate everything you have taught me and the kindness you have shown me. thank you for helping me understand more about situation i knew nothing about (except what i have seen in movies). your kindness and selflessness to help others is amazing.
but i can understand why many feel intimidated by what you say. particularly when so many of you are saying the same thing, and that is not what someone is ready to hear. shock and awe doesn't work with everyone. and some just don't want to face the truth yet. and nothing anyone says will change that. i think many of you are in a very difficult spot. you want to try and stop someone feeling the enormous pain you have all gone through, and it must be so frustrating when someone doesn't want to get it, or takes your words as harsh or extreme. try not to take it personally. your passionate responses have helped so many people already. but remember they are just one person reaching out for help or answers, and it could feel like a large group all attacking, when its about a topic that you all get very personal about.
sometimes in forum environment, people can get too emotionally connected to a topic/person, that is no longer just sharing info, but goes to trying to stop or save them from making our mistakes. i think that is when the person feels attacked and your messages get lost.
i appreciate everything you have taught me and the kindness you have shown me. thank you for helping me understand more about situation i knew nothing about (except what i have seen in movies). your kindness and selflessness to help others is amazing.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Would anyone like me to "sticky" this thread? 
Absolutely, the masses have spoken.
We will leave it open for some time, then eventually lock it as newcomers who post in the Sticky threads often get lost..
Congratulations everyone on a terrific thread of healthy sharing.
Hugs
Absolutely, the masses have spoken.
We will leave it open for some time, then eventually lock it as newcomers who post in the Sticky threads often get lost..
Congratulations everyone on a terrific thread of healthy sharing.
Hugs
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
My rules of thumb when I respond to newcomers is pretty simple:
* remember that they are hurting, otherwise they wouldn't have signed up on the board
* remember that they do not yet fully understand how destructive addiction is
* treat them how I'd want to be treated
ZoSo
* remember that they are hurting, otherwise they wouldn't have signed up on the board
* remember that they do not yet fully understand how destructive addiction is
* treat them how I'd want to be treated
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Whenever I start feeling terminally unique again, I know it is time to shut up.
In that mindset, I can say ridiculous and incredibly stupid things.
It is easy to spot, I become a know-it-all and make the post about me instead of sharing my experience.
Thank you to the Universe for helping me become a "real" girl instead of a wooden copy like Pinocchio. Sometimes being real can sting, but it is much better to be a part of humanity.
Thank you Sober Recovery. I came here to fix someone else, and that someone else was me.
Beth
In that mindset, I can say ridiculous and incredibly stupid things.
It is easy to spot, I become a know-it-all and make the post about me instead of sharing my experience.
Thank you to the Universe for helping me become a "real" girl instead of a wooden copy like Pinocchio. Sometimes being real can sting, but it is much better to be a part of humanity.
Thank you Sober Recovery. I came here to fix someone else, and that someone else was me.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Ohio
Posts: 37
When I first came here I was relating to so many stories, so much information, so many different levels and very fast.
And being new, I wanted to ( and most likely did ) try and reply/share/help on several things/levels.
Thinking I was being helpful.
When I reply to someone, I always try to remember that dark, scared, scrambling for answers place they are coming from when they are spilling out heartfelt emotions, thoughts and feelings.
The facts are, in my own replies:
Addiction really upsets me...
Enablers really upset me...
Co-Dependancy really upsets me...
Physical/Emotional abuse really upsets me...
Realizing its time for them to walk away, really upsets me...
When some people dont seem to " get it ", that really upsets me...
Or they say they get it and decided to continue on that roller coaster ride, that upsets me...
When there are children involved, it upsets me...
When pets are involved, it upsets me...
When you are struggling, exausted, frantic, hurting, crying, begging, searching for answers and riding that roller coaster ride from he||, it upsets me...
Why?... because I lived all of that for a very long time.
Because most of us here have lived it, some lived it all, one way or another.
Because you want XYZ..
And we have been through/lived XYZ..
There is hardly ever an easy answer!
And what may seem easy for us to say is never going to be easy for you to just do.
BUT.. we mean it/ have the best intensions when we share our: experiences/thoughts/insights/hope and gratitude with you.
When we say things like,
" get out and dont look back "
" get yourself to an AlAnon/NA meeting "
" we are very proud of you for doing XYZ "
" you need to see a doctor for XYZ.."
" you need to contact your local abuse/crisis center "
" dont enable him/her anymore "
" you dont deserve XYZ "
" it's not your fault for XYZ "
" they have to figure it out for themselves, you must take care of you for now "
" stop worring about him/her and concentrate on YOU. "
That is US, that comes out of US and wants to make you realize WAKE UP!
Because we feel you, we get it, we know how you are feeling, we've been there done that.
Our answers to you come from deep inside of us.. it typically bubbles up in the form of attitude, gratitude, hope, faith, sometimes harshness/anger/sadness and most of all experience.
We recognize quickly, " key words " and those things we identify within ourselves/our own situations/stories/lives and experiences.
What may have applied for me, may not apply for you.
Maybe something in my story can help you...
All we can do, as caring, loving, hopeful, sharing, hurting, struggling, still using, sober, recovering, lost, sadness, happiness and gratefulness -- is try to share with you and give you guided words of wisdom or a list long/short of insights and shared experiences.
We are not doctors, we cannot give you medical advice.
Do not, by any means -- think we come here and reply/share with or to you, from a place of not knowing or understanding where you come from.
We know... We really, really know!
I wish you the very best.
Because I wish myself the very best.
And I respect you and your story alot.
Because I respect myself.
I value all of these people here and their wisdom.
Because I value myself.
I want to see you healthy, growing in wisdom and happy.
Because I want to see/feel/experience or am living/sharing XYZ in myself or my journey.
~With Love, GT2~
And being new, I wanted to ( and most likely did ) try and reply/share/help on several things/levels.
Thinking I was being helpful.
When I reply to someone, I always try to remember that dark, scared, scrambling for answers place they are coming from when they are spilling out heartfelt emotions, thoughts and feelings.
The facts are, in my own replies:
Addiction really upsets me...
Enablers really upset me...
Co-Dependancy really upsets me...
Physical/Emotional abuse really upsets me...
Realizing its time for them to walk away, really upsets me...
When some people dont seem to " get it ", that really upsets me...
Or they say they get it and decided to continue on that roller coaster ride, that upsets me...
When there are children involved, it upsets me...
When pets are involved, it upsets me...
When you are struggling, exausted, frantic, hurting, crying, begging, searching for answers and riding that roller coaster ride from he||, it upsets me...
Why?... because I lived all of that for a very long time.
Because most of us here have lived it, some lived it all, one way or another.
Because you want XYZ..
And we have been through/lived XYZ..
There is hardly ever an easy answer!
And what may seem easy for us to say is never going to be easy for you to just do.
BUT.. we mean it/ have the best intensions when we share our: experiences/thoughts/insights/hope and gratitude with you.
When we say things like,
" get out and dont look back "
" get yourself to an AlAnon/NA meeting "
" we are very proud of you for doing XYZ "
" you need to see a doctor for XYZ.."
" you need to contact your local abuse/crisis center "
" dont enable him/her anymore "
" you dont deserve XYZ "
" it's not your fault for XYZ "
" they have to figure it out for themselves, you must take care of you for now "
" stop worring about him/her and concentrate on YOU. "
That is US, that comes out of US and wants to make you realize WAKE UP!
Because we feel you, we get it, we know how you are feeling, we've been there done that.
Our answers to you come from deep inside of us.. it typically bubbles up in the form of attitude, gratitude, hope, faith, sometimes harshness/anger/sadness and most of all experience.
We recognize quickly, " key words " and those things we identify within ourselves/our own situations/stories/lives and experiences.
What may have applied for me, may not apply for you.
Maybe something in my story can help you...
All we can do, as caring, loving, hopeful, sharing, hurting, struggling, still using, sober, recovering, lost, sadness, happiness and gratefulness -- is try to share with you and give you guided words of wisdom or a list long/short of insights and shared experiences.
We are not doctors, we cannot give you medical advice.
Do not, by any means -- think we come here and reply/share with or to you, from a place of not knowing or understanding where you come from.
We know... We really, really know!
I wish you the very best.
Because I wish myself the very best.
And I respect you and your story alot.
Because I respect myself.
I value all of these people here and their wisdom.
Because I value myself.
I want to see you healthy, growing in wisdom and happy.
Because I want to see/feel/experience or am living/sharing XYZ in myself or my journey.
~With Love, GT2~
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 74
Why?
Hi Everyone,
I found out on Sunday my recovering alcoholic boyfriend has been using cocaine for more then a year. If dealing with one issue wasn't enough. All the signs were there, and more then once I asked him if he was using drugs and he denied using. So I let it go.
Two weeks ago he went on a drinking binge spent over $150 in four days. Then showed up at my door telling me what he did and said he would never do it again. So I guess at this point he needed to clear his conscience some more and dropped the bombshell on Sunday. This guy is in his 40's I mean really what the hell is wrong with him? It isn't bad enough he suffers from depression on a daily basis but to add booze and drugs to it?
Am I stupid to spend two and a half years with this fella to find out in the last two weeks what he has been up too? Every time he suffered from "depression" I was there to hold his hand and encourage him trying to show him that life was worth living and it will never be more then he could handle. I even went to the doctor with him last week to change his prescription because he felt the pills he was taking for depression wasn't helping him!! No wonder he was coming down from cocaine!!! I am so angry that he betrayed my trust. All the lies and the way he treated me. He would spend his money on cocaine then ask his family to buy him groceries or ask for a loan to pay on a bill. One of his brothers is a cop which I find ironic because he is on the narcotics division. lol None of them know what he is doing.
He has a son who he never spends time with. The kid is acting out and very disrespectful to everyone. The kid wanders around the small community at all hours and hangs out with a not so nice sort. I asked the father on numerous occasions when I was there or spoke with him on the phone where his kid was. His answer was out. I asked out where and he would respond I don't know. You don't know where your 12 year old is??? I have a 25yr old and I always knew where he was growing up.
You see this isn't the first time I was in a relationship with a drug user. I was with a guy for 5 years who on the last year of the relationship got hooked on Oxycontin I stood by him while he went on the program to get cleaned up because I loved him even though he stole and lied took things to sell from my son and I. I wanted to help. After a year of sobriety we ended the relationship because he started again. He is now serving life because the next woman he dated he murdered her and dismembered her body.
Am I a magnet for these guys? Do I have loser on my forehead? Should I help this man I have spent 2 1/2 years with? I need your help.
I made an appointment this Friday for him to go back to his doctor and tell him that he is using cocaine. Reason being because of the anti depressants he is taking and how they may effect the withdrawals etc. This must I will do but what should I do?? I need your help please.
I found out on Sunday my recovering alcoholic boyfriend has been using cocaine for more then a year. If dealing with one issue wasn't enough. All the signs were there, and more then once I asked him if he was using drugs and he denied using. So I let it go.
Two weeks ago he went on a drinking binge spent over $150 in four days. Then showed up at my door telling me what he did and said he would never do it again. So I guess at this point he needed to clear his conscience some more and dropped the bombshell on Sunday. This guy is in his 40's I mean really what the hell is wrong with him? It isn't bad enough he suffers from depression on a daily basis but to add booze and drugs to it?
Am I stupid to spend two and a half years with this fella to find out in the last two weeks what he has been up too? Every time he suffered from "depression" I was there to hold his hand and encourage him trying to show him that life was worth living and it will never be more then he could handle. I even went to the doctor with him last week to change his prescription because he felt the pills he was taking for depression wasn't helping him!! No wonder he was coming down from cocaine!!! I am so angry that he betrayed my trust. All the lies and the way he treated me. He would spend his money on cocaine then ask his family to buy him groceries or ask for a loan to pay on a bill. One of his brothers is a cop which I find ironic because he is on the narcotics division. lol None of them know what he is doing.
He has a son who he never spends time with. The kid is acting out and very disrespectful to everyone. The kid wanders around the small community at all hours and hangs out with a not so nice sort. I asked the father on numerous occasions when I was there or spoke with him on the phone where his kid was. His answer was out. I asked out where and he would respond I don't know. You don't know where your 12 year old is??? I have a 25yr old and I always knew where he was growing up.
You see this isn't the first time I was in a relationship with a drug user. I was with a guy for 5 years who on the last year of the relationship got hooked on Oxycontin I stood by him while he went on the program to get cleaned up because I loved him even though he stole and lied took things to sell from my son and I. I wanted to help. After a year of sobriety we ended the relationship because he started again. He is now serving life because the next woman he dated he murdered her and dismembered her body.
Am I a magnet for these guys? Do I have loser on my forehead? Should I help this man I have spent 2 1/2 years with? I need your help.
I made an appointment this Friday for him to go back to his doctor and tell him that he is using cocaine. Reason being because of the anti depressants he is taking and how they may effect the withdrawals etc. This must I will do but what should I do?? I need your help please.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by HopefulGF65
This sure was me. I was in denial and the only reason I initially came here was to find THE ANSWER on how to FIX things. Leaving was simply not an option at that time so I only wanted advice on how things get better. I'm sure I came across as yet another naive "hopeful" girlfriend who just wouldn't listen but I must've because I kept coming back and today, I'm actually starting to smile again - for real!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
I've trying to think of how to reconcile the perennial newbie/old salt
aspect that seems to be the source of 90% of the internal friction I
have observed on SR....to whit:
================================================== ===
Old Salt: I've BEEN there,kid.Real combat,Not training camp.Don't tell
me how easy it's gonna be! You haven't seen jack sh** and all
you do is lecture ME.....I feel like Mr.Miyagi (Karate kid)
"............NO DANIEL-SAN!!!"
(you're "above" relapsing,eh?! Kid....you're gonna get
SLAUGHTERED on first contact with the enemy upon
leaving the playpen)
================================================== ====
Newbie: I've got these shiny (rehab)pamphlets with beautiful people
jogging on the beach.....relapse is'nt going to happen to ME
....just those 'other losers'.
My parents agree.(they'd better---
they just took out a third of a house note to finance it!).
(cue the rosy pink cloud)
"Beating addiction is easy!"
************************************************** *
I have no idea what the answer is.....I just know that I was certainly a
HELL of lot closer to viewpoint 2 than viewpoint 1 when I got here.
But I'll tell you ONE thing.....those who told me they had been doing the
codie thing for 30 yrs scared the CRAP out of me! They told me to
"run,Forrest! RUN!!"
(so I ran!)
aspect that seems to be the source of 90% of the internal friction I
have observed on SR....to whit:
================================================== ===
Old Salt: I've BEEN there,kid.Real combat,Not training camp.Don't tell
me how easy it's gonna be! You haven't seen jack sh** and all
you do is lecture ME.....I feel like Mr.Miyagi (Karate kid)
"............NO DANIEL-SAN!!!"
(you're "above" relapsing,eh?! Kid....you're gonna get
SLAUGHTERED on first contact with the enemy upon
leaving the playpen)
================================================== ====
Newbie: I've got these shiny (rehab)pamphlets with beautiful people
jogging on the beach.....relapse is'nt going to happen to ME
....just those 'other losers'.
My parents agree.(they'd better---
they just took out a third of a house note to finance it!).
(cue the rosy pink cloud)
"Beating addiction is easy!"
************************************************** *
I have no idea what the answer is.....I just know that I was certainly a
HELL of lot closer to viewpoint 2 than viewpoint 1 when I got here.
But I'll tell you ONE thing.....those who told me they had been doing the
codie thing for 30 yrs scared the CRAP out of me! They told me to
"run,Forrest! RUN!!"
(so I ran!)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Not slower than me! I was dutifully showing up
with cash at intersections and times specified
by X.
(those close to me told me I was Ed McMahon for
the 'addicts publishers clearinghouse sweepstakes'!!!)
I know this isn't a proper forum for humor-----but
thinking back----all the BS stories I pretended
to believe.It was hysterical.
Hysterical AFTER I found SR.
Before I found SR it was just confusing....all this
help..... why isn't she getting any better?
with cash at intersections and times specified
by X.
(those close to me told me I was Ed McMahon for
the 'addicts publishers clearinghouse sweepstakes'!!!)
I know this isn't a proper forum for humor-----but
thinking back----all the BS stories I pretended
to believe.It was hysterical.
Hysterical AFTER I found SR.
Before I found SR it was just confusing....all this
help..... why isn't she getting any better?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: richmond hill Ga
Posts: 9
Please Please help. I have a wonderful 13 year old son who has recently admitted to using marijuana he is on house arrest for a really poor judgement call on his behalf. I decided to start having him tested through my doctor's office for recent use, it came back from the lab clean. I took him to a court appointed counselor and before he left they drug screened him. They said the line was faint but it was positive, I call the doctor's office back and the physician claims that a faint line means it is neg on a 5 panel rapid screen but, the counselor is reporting to probation that this is a positive result and he is at risk of being removed for violation. I am freaking out because we also, have a compliance order so we are at risk of losing him, being arrested, and possibly resulting in the demotion of my husband's rank in service(and investigation of our competency of having our other 4 children) a big mess and no answers
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 56
Where are all the success stories - out living life - :)
I have been reading on this family forum for many months, but I have only posted in the last month. The reason I found this website was because my husband and I took in the college age son of one of his closest friends who passed away. The son started having drug / drinking / behaviora problems after his father died.
His mother kicked him out because she struggling with her own grief could not deal with him.
I come here not in a highly emotional state regarding his situation as I personally have not known him long. His living with us has not caused a great deal of turmoil at this point, so my arrival at this forum was not to vent frustrations, or gain validation for my feelings; although I may do that from time to time; instead my intent for months has just been to read others personal experiences in dealing with someone his age.
I have found overall the posts and the replies on the Family Forum to be negative.
I believe it is because the majority of people that seek out an internet forum such as this are in the midst of turmoil revolving around their relationship with an addict.
I have seen many mothers here who have children with whom they are estranged, who seem to be in late stages of addiction.
Newcomers who arrive after 'something horrible' has happened for the first time, or things have progressed to a state where now they are at a breaking point, and are looking to release their feelings which are of course made up of pain and anger.
In my own right, I could have come on this forum as my husband is a former cocaine user. He used for years on a regular basis; but what I considered to be recreational as it was a couple times month on a weekend for example.
He stopped several years ago cold turkey and did not use any program.
There were times during those years when we had arguments about his use; such as it became annoying that he would spend a day getting high, and three days being depressed after. There were times I could have come on a forum like this, and said things out of anger and frustration.
I realized a while back after I had read here; that had I done that - I would have been met with lots of replies telling me " run" " hes an addict doing what addicts do" " your in denial as to the severity" etc.
All of those replies I believe would have come from an honest place within the person posting; but it would have been based on THEIR OWN personal experiences as that is what shades their opinions, views, outlook.
Obviously, my husband could decide to start using again, but for the most part those comments, and fearful expectations that would have been sent my way would have been incorrect. Things did not get worse for him, or for our relationship; they only got better.
The other thing I realized recently; is that I have had a positive result with my husband and his recovery from drug use / addiction. But had it not been for coming here to this site for another purpose (the kid we are helping) then I would never have looked for a sight like this. I never would have felt the need to go online and tell how my husband stopped using cold turkey, how I never sank to the depths of misery because of his use.
Why? Because I have been happy, been busy living a normal life.
I think that is why you see such a discrepancy in negative vs. positive posts here on this forum. The people who have succeeded in escaping the horror of addiction have no reason to be here. Those still in pain; which can last a lifetime ..... do.
So my suggestion would be to realize that people do recover from addiction, and couples can have successful and normal lives.
But it can all go wrong as it has for many people here.
Hear the words of warning, negativity, pain, fear, anger.... but realize the state of mind that they are in, realize as Sunshine said below... they are assuming you will end the same as they did and they post believing it is true.
A
His mother kicked him out because she struggling with her own grief could not deal with him.
I come here not in a highly emotional state regarding his situation as I personally have not known him long. His living with us has not caused a great deal of turmoil at this point, so my arrival at this forum was not to vent frustrations, or gain validation for my feelings; although I may do that from time to time; instead my intent for months has just been to read others personal experiences in dealing with someone his age.
I have found overall the posts and the replies on the Family Forum to be negative.
I believe it is because the majority of people that seek out an internet forum such as this are in the midst of turmoil revolving around their relationship with an addict.
I have seen many mothers here who have children with whom they are estranged, who seem to be in late stages of addiction.
Newcomers who arrive after 'something horrible' has happened for the first time, or things have progressed to a state where now they are at a breaking point, and are looking to release their feelings which are of course made up of pain and anger.
In my own right, I could have come on this forum as my husband is a former cocaine user. He used for years on a regular basis; but what I considered to be recreational as it was a couple times month on a weekend for example.
He stopped several years ago cold turkey and did not use any program.
There were times during those years when we had arguments about his use; such as it became annoying that he would spend a day getting high, and three days being depressed after. There were times I could have come on a forum like this, and said things out of anger and frustration.
I realized a while back after I had read here; that had I done that - I would have been met with lots of replies telling me " run" " hes an addict doing what addicts do" " your in denial as to the severity" etc.
All of those replies I believe would have come from an honest place within the person posting; but it would have been based on THEIR OWN personal experiences as that is what shades their opinions, views, outlook.
Obviously, my husband could decide to start using again, but for the most part those comments, and fearful expectations that would have been sent my way would have been incorrect. Things did not get worse for him, or for our relationship; they only got better.
The other thing I realized recently; is that I have had a positive result with my husband and his recovery from drug use / addiction. But had it not been for coming here to this site for another purpose (the kid we are helping) then I would never have looked for a sight like this. I never would have felt the need to go online and tell how my husband stopped using cold turkey, how I never sank to the depths of misery because of his use.
Why? Because I have been happy, been busy living a normal life.
I think that is why you see such a discrepancy in negative vs. positive posts here on this forum. The people who have succeeded in escaping the horror of addiction have no reason to be here. Those still in pain; which can last a lifetime ..... do.
So my suggestion would be to realize that people do recover from addiction, and couples can have successful and normal lives.
But it can all go wrong as it has for many people here.
Hear the words of warning, negativity, pain, fear, anger.... but realize the state of mind that they are in, realize as Sunshine said below... they are assuming you will end the same as they did and they post believing it is true.
Originally Posted by Sunshine2
There seems to be a fair number of newcomers who choose to see responses from members as negative, aggressive etc.
After many years of living in a hell that got progressively worse,
where we felt we were losing our sanity,
where our health suffered,
where the rest of the family or children suffered,
where our depression about the situation got so bad we wondered whether life was worth it,
we finally became strong and walked away.
we know that in your wildest imagination, you do not understand how bad IT WILL get.
We do it because
We try and help you to avoid the pain we went through.WE KNOW WHERE YOUR STORY IS HEADING AND WE UNDERSTAND THE OUTCOME IS CERTAIN We do it because we wish we had known how dark life can be with an addict.
.
After many years of living in a hell that got progressively worse,
where we felt we were losing our sanity,
where our health suffered,
where the rest of the family or children suffered,
where our depression about the situation got so bad we wondered whether life was worth it,
we finally became strong and walked away.
we know that in your wildest imagination, you do not understand how bad IT WILL get.
We do it because
We try and help you to avoid the pain we went through.WE KNOW WHERE YOUR STORY IS HEADING AND WE UNDERSTAND THE OUTCOME IS CERTAIN We do it because we wish we had known how dark life can be with an addict.
.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
That is why it is called ESH we share experience different people are at different places, we share strength people who have stayed together as well as those who have made the choice to leave etc.. then there is hope we share hope, and keep in mind there is ALWAYS with any post take what you want and leave the rest.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Deuce - If you had come here in the midst of your husband's use and described it as you did above (a couple of times per month) and saying you had occasional arguments about it we would have probably told you simply that you cannot control his behavior and to decide for yourself whether it is a problem for you. If it is a problem, find a way to deal with it ... leave, join alanon, and/or get counseling. What you describe IS a recreational user and most definitely not the most common story we hear here. Most times we hear wives that are being abused, having money taken that should be spent on rent and groceries, dealing with erratic behaviors that only get worse over time, job loss, etc., and they are FRANTIC in wanting to know how to FIX their addict.
The difference between what you describe and what we normally see is vast and wide.
The difference between what you describe and what we normally see is vast and wide.
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