How do you help someone?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 3
How do you help someone?
Here is a little story...
About 6 years ago I was online and saw a request from a man who was looking for a pen pal while he was in rehab. I thought maybe I could help by offering support and letters, that I love to write.
So we started to write and over the last six years, off and on, I would hear from my friend "G", who battles alcohol and other drugs like cocaine, ecstacy and maybe crack or heroin even. He is not particularly clear on "what and when" but he has told me he has used all the above.
We sometimes spoke on the phone, write letters and emailed. He lives in the UK and we have never met.
Now, his letters are starting to affect me. His pleas for help or the agony of his using and his guilt is not sitting well with me anymore. He has increased his habits and now has been caught stealing, again, and could go to jail. He went to jail last year for a few months and when he was out, told me where he was. I was never really overly affected by this but always tried to give advice and support and encourage him to enter rehab again and to never give up.
I do not want to give up on him or walk away because we have a small friendship and I really want him to have a happy life. We are not romantically involved and this has simply been a platonic exchange of emails and phone calls talking about life's ups and downs, as most friends do. Of course he has his times where he could not be a real friend and his addiction was in the way of this...but that was off and on and I accepted him exactly as he was.
Now...I have a hard time not feeling a horrible stress for him and immense worry, to the point that I have lost 2 nights sleep. He has been sending emails that show his anger and irritation with the fact that he is not in rehab, that he has to go to court....
I have always been straight up with him and never condoned his behaviours and tried to help him see that he is accountable for his actions and that he is a worthy human being of cleaning himself up.
I dont know how to help him and I dont know how to feel better about this. I cannot simply cease communication, as he will probably do that anyhow it seems, but that needs to be his choice.
Is there anything I can do to help him? I need to understand more that he is not ready for the things I think he needs to do with his life. How does one sit and watch a young man destroy himself?
COnfused....
About 6 years ago I was online and saw a request from a man who was looking for a pen pal while he was in rehab. I thought maybe I could help by offering support and letters, that I love to write.
So we started to write and over the last six years, off and on, I would hear from my friend "G", who battles alcohol and other drugs like cocaine, ecstacy and maybe crack or heroin even. He is not particularly clear on "what and when" but he has told me he has used all the above.
We sometimes spoke on the phone, write letters and emailed. He lives in the UK and we have never met.
Now, his letters are starting to affect me. His pleas for help or the agony of his using and his guilt is not sitting well with me anymore. He has increased his habits and now has been caught stealing, again, and could go to jail. He went to jail last year for a few months and when he was out, told me where he was. I was never really overly affected by this but always tried to give advice and support and encourage him to enter rehab again and to never give up.
I do not want to give up on him or walk away because we have a small friendship and I really want him to have a happy life. We are not romantically involved and this has simply been a platonic exchange of emails and phone calls talking about life's ups and downs, as most friends do. Of course he has his times where he could not be a real friend and his addiction was in the way of this...but that was off and on and I accepted him exactly as he was.
Now...I have a hard time not feeling a horrible stress for him and immense worry, to the point that I have lost 2 nights sleep. He has been sending emails that show his anger and irritation with the fact that he is not in rehab, that he has to go to court....
I have always been straight up with him and never condoned his behaviours and tried to help him see that he is accountable for his actions and that he is a worthy human being of cleaning himself up.
I dont know how to help him and I dont know how to feel better about this. I cannot simply cease communication, as he will probably do that anyhow it seems, but that needs to be his choice.
Is there anything I can do to help him? I need to understand more that he is not ready for the things I think he needs to do with his life. How does one sit and watch a young man destroy himself?
COnfused....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I dont know how to help him and I dont know how to feel better about this..
Is there anything I can do to help him? I need to understand more that he is not ready for the things I think he needs to do with his life.
what make you think you know what he needs to do? sounds rather controlling.
if you dont know how to help him, then you really dont know what he needs.
doesnt matter. he's gotta want it.
How does one sit and watch a young man destroy himself?
with a lot of gloom, dispair, and misery. or, for me, i dont do it. i'm too valuable in this world and theres too many others that want help( not just need it) to waste prescious time with someone who wont help themselves. so i let em go and pray for em and be there when the want help.
Is there anything I can do to help him? I need to understand more that he is not ready for the things I think he needs to do with his life.
what make you think you know what he needs to do? sounds rather controlling.
if you dont know how to help him, then you really dont know what he needs.
doesnt matter. he's gotta want it.
How does one sit and watch a young man destroy himself?
with a lot of gloom, dispair, and misery. or, for me, i dont do it. i'm too valuable in this world and theres too many others that want help( not just need it) to waste prescious time with someone who wont help themselves. so i let em go and pray for em and be there when the want help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
what make you think you know what he needs to do? sounds rather controlling.
if you dont know how to help him, then you really dont know what he needs.
doesnt matter. he's gotta want it.
if you dont know how to help him, then you really dont know what he needs.
doesnt matter. he's gotta want it.
No, I am not a drug counselor and I do not have an addiction myself so I cannot relate to his addiction and was merely asking for help .....as in...how does someone help an addict?
I only know what he tells me. I cannot, via email, HELP him as I could in person....so I was asking for tips.
It seems you missed the point and are tarnishing what is meaningful to me.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,992
It is possible to help someone who is also trying to help themselves, but this doesn't seem to be the case. It sounds like the only one worried about his using and committing crimes is you. This is now causing you to lose sleep.
I say this as gently as possible....Step away from the addict. You cannot help him. If and when he wants to clean up his act, he will. If you continue to communicate with him, all it will do is keep you upset. If after six years your support hasn't caused him to change, it isn't likely to happen.
I know it sucks, but there isn't anything you can do for him. Please take care of yourself.
I say this as gently as possible....Step away from the addict. You cannot help him. If and when he wants to clean up his act, he will. If you continue to communicate with him, all it will do is keep you upset. If after six years your support hasn't caused him to change, it isn't likely to happen.
I know it sucks, but there isn't anything you can do for him. Please take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((confusiongal))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here. I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and have loved ones who are, or were, still active in addiction/alcoholism (A).
I can only tell you what helped ME find recovery, for both my addiction and my codepency (thinking I could "fix" stuff for my loved ones). I had to hit bottom..lose a good career, spend time on the streets, time in jail, etc.
In all honesty, beating my crack addiction has been easier (not easy, but easier) than my codie (codependency) recovery. My loved ones told me they loved me, but they let me dig a really deep hole and find my own way out of it. I've got over 5 years in recovery and am STILL dealing with consequences, but it's made me appreciate my recovery any more.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I can only tell you what helped ME find recovery, for both my addiction and my codepency (thinking I could "fix" stuff for my loved ones). I had to hit bottom..lose a good career, spend time on the streets, time in jail, etc.
In all honesty, beating my crack addiction has been easier (not easy, but easier) than my codie (codependency) recovery. My loved ones told me they loved me, but they let me dig a really deep hole and find my own way out of it. I've got over 5 years in recovery and am STILL dealing with consequences, but it's made me appreciate my recovery any more.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by anvilhead
you SAY this is just platonic, but you are losing sleep and have created in your mind what his life SHOULD look like. at best tell him you hope he finds his way and enjoys a sober life. other than that.....not much you can do.
Losing sleep over someone who is emailing me in desperation is not a fault but rather a huge concern he is going to wind up dead. I was never affected like this before, in 6 years, until the other day when the mails started pouring in.
Thanks, I will step back and let him make his choices but I cannot be unfeeling to his plight.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,992
No one expects you to be unfeeling. No one ever said losing sleep is a fault, either. But you must realize that you cannot help him. Looking at this logically (which is an oxymoron when talking about an addict), if your help hasn't produced fruit in six years, why do you expect it to produce fruit now?
You came here asking for advice and we have given it. You are very defensive, which I can understand because you are not hearing what you want to hear. However, we have much experience in this area, and if you will notice, every response to you says basically the same thing. You can't help him. You also don't have to watch while he destroys himself, but that is your choice. Our suggestions are that you back away from this, but again, you will make your own decisions about that. Please take care of yourself.
You came here asking for advice and we have given it. You are very defensive, which I can understand because you are not hearing what you want to hear. However, we have much experience in this area, and if you will notice, every response to you says basically the same thing. You can't help him. You also don't have to watch while he destroys himself, but that is your choice. Our suggestions are that you back away from this, but again, you will make your own decisions about that. Please take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
When I finally got uncomfortable enough about my daughter's addiction....to the point of losing sleep and obsessively thinking there must be something I can do. There must be something I haven't thought of....that is when I started working on ME.
And you know what? There was something I hadn't done. I hadn't LEARNED EVERYTHING I COULD POSSIBLY LEARN ABOUT ADDICTION.
When I spent my time doing THAT....instead of focusing on HER....I learned
1. I didn't CAUSE this
2. I can't CONTROL this
3. I can't CURE this
I got a copy of Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie and have read it so many times, the cover is about falling off.
I've read every sticky at the top of this page as well as the stickies on other online forums.
I attend Alanon meetings on a regular basis. I have a sponsor and continue to work the program that I wish my daughter would work.
Most importantly, I learned that my EGO is what kept me involved with attempting to HELP my daughter.
When the fear of continued use outweighs the fear of withdrawals and recovery...then the addict will crawl thru hot coals to get clean.
Isn't there something useful and good that you could spend your time doing locally and perhaps face to face with people in your own family, or community that would be time better served than spending 6 years of your life worrying about someone you have never met?
And you know what? There was something I hadn't done. I hadn't LEARNED EVERYTHING I COULD POSSIBLY LEARN ABOUT ADDICTION.
When I spent my time doing THAT....instead of focusing on HER....I learned
1. I didn't CAUSE this
2. I can't CONTROL this
3. I can't CURE this
I got a copy of Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie and have read it so many times, the cover is about falling off.
I've read every sticky at the top of this page as well as the stickies on other online forums.
I attend Alanon meetings on a regular basis. I have a sponsor and continue to work the program that I wish my daughter would work.
Most importantly, I learned that my EGO is what kept me involved with attempting to HELP my daughter.
When the fear of continued use outweighs the fear of withdrawals and recovery...then the addict will crawl thru hot coals to get clean.
Isn't there something useful and good that you could spend your time doing locally and perhaps face to face with people in your own family, or community that would be time better served than spending 6 years of your life worrying about someone you have never met?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
If love, platonic or otherwise, could save an active addict, not one of us would be here.
My son is an active addict, has been for about 15 years now, may always be or may get clean tomorrow...we never know but we do know that when they do find recovery they find it on their own.
My thoughts to you are, is this how you want to spend your life, worrying about that which you cannot fix? It is obviously affecting you and it may be a good time to take a "time out" for a while to just see life from a clearer perspective for a while. He may not like it, but you have to decide what is more important...his selfish need for your support or your health and rest and mental balance.
I wish you well, whatever you chose to do with this.
Hugs
My son is an active addict, has been for about 15 years now, may always be or may get clean tomorrow...we never know but we do know that when they do find recovery they find it on their own.
My thoughts to you are, is this how you want to spend your life, worrying about that which you cannot fix? It is obviously affecting you and it may be a good time to take a "time out" for a while to just see life from a clearer perspective for a while. He may not like it, but you have to decide what is more important...his selfish need for your support or your health and rest and mental balance.
I wish you well, whatever you chose to do with this.
Hugs
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Why is helping him seemingly more important than taking care of yourself?
You've lost sleep over someone you've never met and is an ocean away. Please consider this.
Do you really want to help him? Allow him the dignity to make his own mistakes. Pray for him. And then take care of yourself.
ZoSo
You've lost sleep over someone you've never met and is an ocean away. Please consider this.
Do you really want to help him? Allow him the dignity to make his own mistakes. Pray for him. And then take care of yourself.
ZoSo
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