nihil

If someone you loved was an addict and you had explicitly forbidden them to take a specific substance that was basically a stronger form of their drug of choice (lets say they were addicted to Oxy and you'd said "ok I don't like it but we can work it out but if you ever take heroin that is too far").

Well if they did end up doing the forbidden thing...

I have a couple of questions related to that:

1) Is that absolutely an indication they prefer the drug to you? Do you think it means they don't love you really or do you think that the pull of opiates in general could lead someone to do that and not really want to hurt you and genuinely regret it and wish they hadn't and not really mean they don't love you?

2) If they told you what they had done, would you be able to forgive them or would that be it, they've screwed it up?

3) What if somewhere down the line they ended up doing it again? Do you think it would be better if they told you first that they'd done it and then if they screwed up and did it again they told you again and then didn't do it anymore, or do you think it would be better to not admit it until they were sure they wouldn't do it again?

suki44883

Well, first of all, if the addict is an adult, you don't have the right to forbid them to do anything. If they want to use, they are going to use and you should realize that you cannot control them.

Other than that, if an addict uses, it doesn't necessarily mean they love drugs more than they love you. If they are addicted, then they need to get the drugs or they will be sick. The drugs are more imperative at that point.

The best thing for you would be to decide once and for all what you will and will not allow in your life. This is called a boundary. If someone crosses your boundary, then you should have a plan of what you will do. Boundaries are not rules for someone else to follow. You can't force someone to live by your rules, but you can have boundaries in place that will protect you.

scrambled2012

It is the nature of opates and other narcotics that relationships come second to the drug. It's not a question of them not really loving you, it is more the observation that an addict on narcotics isn't really capable of love as normally thought of. The whole of the brain, all the impulses that normally would drive the thing called love, is highjacked by the addiction.

This physical addiction, which removes personal choice (agency), is a big part of what makes a thing a narcotic.

Windmills

As Suki said, it's really not your place to tell someone what they can and cannot do. This person isn't using AT you, it's not a sign of not loving you enough.. It's about THEM. As hard as that might be, you can't control it or cure it.. But you also didn't cause it.
To me it's about acceptable behaviour. The use of mind altering substances is unacceptable to me- I reached a point when I didn't even WANT to understand 'why' any more.

Windmills

Hmm, cynical one posted while I was typing.. And said it better than I did!

nihil

Hmm well I wasn't asking this because I forbid someone but because I was forbidden... and honestly I do not believe I am incapable of love. I might have been able to believe that before my current boyfriend but not now...

scrambled2012

That's great news. It means your addiction isn't as strong as it could be.

nihil

Still don't know if it is a good idea to tell my boyfriend I took heroin.
He would feel so betrayed. I really cannot say for sure I won't do it again. While one part of my head is saying "it is a bad idea" another one at the same time in the same head is working out the sequence of actions we will take in order to do it again once I have got off subutex and it wouldn't be a waste. If I told him, he would be so upset and disappointed but it might just be ok if I could guarantee it was the only time. The fact that I really can't is making me think telling him is a bad idea because it would be better for him to find out later and be betrayed just the once than to find out several times as I keep on ******* it up...

nihil

Hmm. That's a good point.
I wish I knew I could be that open. I am just scared that he will leave.

The thing that really scares me is the idea he won't realise how wonderful he is and he will think he is not good enough and stuff. If he left me it would kill me but I could deal with it, I'd just give up on the whole relationships thing and go try race for the bottom. But he is SO insecure, the idea that I am going to hurt him or make him feel like he isn't good enough or that I don't care enough (and therefore no-one cares enough). It is something I suck at. He is so sensitive...

suki44883

Your boyfriend needs boundaries. You are going to do whatever you want. You are just an addict doing what addicts do. You are already scheming on a way to use again without him knowing. You really should tell him the truth and let him decide what he wants to do. Otherwise, you're just using him, which is another thing addicts do.

nihil

It kind of makes me angry. I never wanted a relationship. I knew I was too ****** up not to be alone, but he kept talking to me even when I tried to push him away and one day he said to me that if I didn't love him he must be unloveable and I couldn't bear it that he would think something like that so I told him I did love him (which was true) but I told him we couldn't have a relationship because I can't handle the pressure or expectations and he said he would have no expectations.

And then he changed the rules later and put expectations on me. And now I know what it feels like to be with someone I don't know how to live without it.

He could have just left me alone. Then neither of us would have to suffer.

KelleyF

Nihil

Your story is similiar to mine and my BF, but I'm going to send you a p.message so as not do the details here.

nihil

I know it's not really the same, but I didn't lie... he has not asked me if I have taken heroin, and for the most part I have been very open. I have told him how much more preoccupied with drugs I've been since being on subutex. I told him I took tomorrows dose yesterday when I know I would regret it and should have saved it. He knows how I feel about opiates.

And it eats me up that I can't tell him about this specific thing. I'm beginning to convince myself he'd forgive me, but it would still hurt him a lot. Is it really better for him to suffer. If I tell him, I will feel better because it is off my chest and he will feel worse because I did something he told me not to do and that will seem to him like I don't care about him. It almost seems selfish to me. Maybe I should tell him though, I told my drugs worker, but I don't care what he thinks of me.

Learningtodeal

For what it's worth from the other side of things, I always preferred the truth over the lies. Better to know than to drive myself crazy wondering and I seriously doubt he doesn't already suspect this. It was always a RELIEF for me to know the truth because I was (and am) so codependent that I was obsessed with trying to find out the truth all the time anyway. Theyre your actions and you need to deal with the consequences. Thats the price you pay for being an adult. It sucks but if you truly love him, you'll do what it takes to give him all the information he needs to make the best decisions for him. In addition to your addiction, it sounds like you may have some Codie issues yourself. We all do here, so no judgement intended. It may hurt him to hear the truth, but I promise you it won't hurt him as much as the lies. Even if they're lies of omission.

Learningtodeal

Also, I feel like there's a lot of blame towards him in these statements. But, I think the focus should continue to be on your actions and choices only. If you resolved your addiction, there would also be a relief from suffering. For both of your lives.

nihil

I don't think I blame him. I understand where he is coming from. I just find it frustrating, I was ok being alone and was more or less dragged into the relationship over a long period of time. And truthfully I don't regret it, I just recognise it makes life much harder. If it fails I will regret it ever happened, but for now I hold out hope something can come of it. But what if that can't be done. I was sure I wanted to stop till I started doing the detox. I was happy with the idea, not wasting money on drugs anymore, put them in savings. It all seemed fine, I didn't imagine how I would react at all to doing the detox.

And now, completely different, my whole sense of what I want in life completely shaken up, the hopes and dreams that meant so much to me before I started detoxing suddenly mean nothing and all there is is a constant preoccupation with drugs and a sensation of needing more. It just dawned on me after the first week that it would never end, that even if I thought it was over it's just going to happen again and again and again. I can't control my future self or her desires and choices, even when I am sure I want it over with I cannot be sure she won't just say "nope, I want to get high".

Chino

You might want to talk with your doctor about increasing your subutex dosage.

suki44883

You need to figure out your own life, but your boyfriend deserves to know the truth. It won't hurt any more than it will hurt later when he realizes how long you have been lying to him and stringing him along. You say you didn't lie because he didn't ask, but it's still a lie. You are deceiving him.

Tell him the truth about everything and let him decide what he wants to do. He may be hurt, but he will survive.

EnglishGarden

I don't understand this thread.

The OP is an active addict. The posts contain self-pity, resentments, blame-shifting, incongruous statements, and lies.

I feel unsettled reading this thread, It reminds me of my conversations with addicts.

Nihil, the problem is not him. It's a drug problem. And it's all yours.

kmangel

Being upfront and honest with your boyfriend is better than him finding out on his own that you have lied to him. He may not like it, may leave anyway, but his finding out you have lied to him is worse. You are seeing that lies and deceit is how to get what you want and hang on to your boyfriend. Not a very good way to live your life. It will backfire for you eventually, catch up to you. Drug addiction is progressive so the way things are now and in the past is probably the best it will ever be. It's up to you to decide if you want things to be better for you in the future or worse.