Something I want to ask the people close to addicts
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by nihil 
It kind of makes me angry. I never wanted a relationship. I knew I was too ****** up not to be alone, but he kept talking to me even when I tried to push him away and one day he said to me that if I didn't love him he must be unloveable and I couldn't bear it that he would think something like that so I told him I did love him (which was true) but I told him we couldn't have a relationship because I can't handle the pressure or expectations and he said he would have no expectations.
And then he changed the rules later and put expectations on me. And now I know what it feels like to be with someone I don't know how to live without it.
He could have just left me alone. Then neither of us would have to suffer.
And then he changed the rules later and put expectations on me. And now I know what it feels like to be with someone I don't know how to live without it.
He could have just left me alone. Then neither of us would have to suffer.
Lies, deceipt, manipulation and control combine into a very sick and dependent situation, the opposite of love.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
This thread actually belongs in another forum. The OP made it sound as if she was a friend or family of an addict. Turns out, she, herself is the addict. Maybe she should post this in the substance abuse forum and see what those folks think.
girl of very little tact
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Chino
Honestly, what does it matter? You're going to do what you're going to do anyway.
I have been seriously trying to figure out what to do, to tell him and hope he stays, to tell him and tell him to get as far away from me as possible because it's no good and it's pointless or to keep it secret temporarily or permanently.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
His perspective is that he wants you clean. Your perspective is that you want to keep using. Then, there is a third perspective: that of a RECOVERED addict. I think that what Suki is suggesting is that some recovered addicts may be able to offer some insight into recovering from your addiction and the issues you're facing. Please don't deceive yourself into believing that anything other than your addiction is the primary issue here. You sound like your heart is in the right place, but your brain won't be able to follow along until the drugs stop obstructing the path. I truly wish you the best of luck with your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
((Nihil))
I think you originally were asking a question to get at the true feeling of people on the family forum. So maybe now that we know the story, you should ask this question:
If my BF came here with our story what would you advise him to do?
I think you originally were asking a question to get at the true feeling of people on the family forum. So maybe now that we know the story, you should ask this question:
If my BF came here with our story what would you advise him to do?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
For me, honesty would be the way to go.
You have every right to live your life as you see fit.
Your bf has every right to live his life as he sees fit.....
....however, right now he does not have accurate information with which to make that decision.
I wish you every success and every happiness as you move forward and strive for a better and sober life.
You have every right to live your life as you see fit.
Your bf has every right to live his life as he sees fit.....
....however, right now he does not have accurate information with which to make that decision.
I wish you every success and every happiness as you move forward and strive for a better and sober life.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
Why do you want him to stay? You've already said he puts conditions and expectations on you. You don't want conditions and expectations. They make things too hard.
Your either want to stop using or you don't. You CAN stop if you want it badly enough. If you don't, then you won't stop. In any regard, he deserves to know the truth so he can decide what he wants for his life. It isn't fair for you to make decisions for him. If he leaves you, then that's just a price you will pay. It's call consequences of our actions.
Your either want to stop using or you don't. You CAN stop if you want it badly enough. If you don't, then you won't stop. In any regard, he deserves to know the truth so he can decide what he wants for his life. It isn't fair for you to make decisions for him. If he leaves you, then that's just a price you will pay. It's call consequences of our actions.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I am not sure what would be worse if you told him, him leaving or him staying. Cause honestly if he left, at this point I would count that as a blessing, he doesn’t really seem all that healthy and it seems like the last thing you need now. And if he doesn’t leave, well damn do you need an unhealthy, manipulative person around to cause you more problems, surely you have enough on your plate in just you own head…playing in the what if’s with him, not gonna help you are all.
Tell him only because honesty is the only way to go. Even simpler, break up with him and take the time you need to work on you, to relapse if that is what is to be, to learn from each mistake and have the chance to make the mistakes and not have the distraction of something like this around. Your focus right now shouldn’t be on anyone’s reaction but why you used and what you can do for you not to have that happen again.
Also talk to your sub doctor and be honest there too, you may need your dose adjusted and not always should it go up. If you have been on the same dose for some time and you are starting to not feel good it might be time to drop your dose …
Take good care of you!
Tell him only because honesty is the only way to go. Even simpler, break up with him and take the time you need to work on you, to relapse if that is what is to be, to learn from each mistake and have the chance to make the mistakes and not have the distraction of something like this around. Your focus right now shouldn’t be on anyone’s reaction but why you used and what you can do for you not to have that happen again.
Also talk to your sub doctor and be honest there too, you may need your dose adjusted and not always should it go up. If you have been on the same dose for some time and you are starting to not feel good it might be time to drop your dose …
Take good care of you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 24
I have always told my AH that I would rather have the truth than to be blissfully ignorant with a blindside in my future. At least I can prepare for the truth. If I make any plans based on a lie then I have gotten my hopes up. Not only that but at least the truth allows you to prepare for the consequences and soften the blow. I absolutely hate finding out anything from any source other than my AH in a timely manner. I know he believes that if I just don't know about it then it can't hurt me, that his addiction doesn't affect anyone but him.
If I had known the extent of my husband's drug use, I may not have been able to control him but I could have at least prepared myself and lessen the damage (i.e. learning about how to stop enable, seeking help for myself even if he didn't, keeping tighter control of the finances) - from that position I would have been able to deal with trying to understand what he was going through and figuring out how to support him without enabling him. Even if I decided to leave, it would have still been my choice. When he chose to lie to me he took away my choice - his problems became mine when people started getting me involved - money he stole, promises he didn't keep. I went from "everything's fine" to crisis mode every time new information popped up that showed me how deep he was getting.
It sounds like he has his own issues too - maybe he will leave, maybe not - but at least treat him like an adult and let him decide for himself by telling him the full truth - not just that you have used it but aren't sure you won't do it again. Give him the choice.
And the "well he didn't ask and so I didn't tell" - my AH pulls this all the time and it's even more infuriating than an outright lie. When he does it to me it feels like he's deciding what information should matter to me. When it's about something he knows I want to know about it feels like he is looking for loopholes and technicalities to save himself when I find out.
It is easier for me to "forgive" an addiction because I know that the drugs have a powerful hold on him (meaning I would be willing to work with him to get help). However, a lie destroys trust and credibility and it is very hard to get back. It takes a lot of truths and effort to build up credibility but only one little lie to destroy it all.
If I had known the extent of my husband's drug use, I may not have been able to control him but I could have at least prepared myself and lessen the damage (i.e. learning about how to stop enable, seeking help for myself even if he didn't, keeping tighter control of the finances) - from that position I would have been able to deal with trying to understand what he was going through and figuring out how to support him without enabling him. Even if I decided to leave, it would have still been my choice. When he chose to lie to me he took away my choice - his problems became mine when people started getting me involved - money he stole, promises he didn't keep. I went from "everything's fine" to crisis mode every time new information popped up that showed me how deep he was getting.
It sounds like he has his own issues too - maybe he will leave, maybe not - but at least treat him like an adult and let him decide for himself by telling him the full truth - not just that you have used it but aren't sure you won't do it again. Give him the choice.
And the "well he didn't ask and so I didn't tell" - my AH pulls this all the time and it's even more infuriating than an outright lie. When he does it to me it feels like he's deciding what information should matter to me. When it's about something he knows I want to know about it feels like he is looking for loopholes and technicalities to save himself when I find out.
It is easier for me to "forgive" an addiction because I know that the drugs have a powerful hold on him (meaning I would be willing to work with him to get help). However, a lie destroys trust and credibility and it is very hard to get back. It takes a lot of truths and effort to build up credibility but only one little lie to destroy it all.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Originally Posted by nihil
It kind of makes me angry. I never wanted a relationship. I knew I was too ****** up not to be alone, but he kept talking to me even when I tried to push him away and one day he said to me that if I didn't love him he must be unloveable and I couldn't bear it that he would think something like that so I told him I did love him (which was true) but I told him we couldn't have a relationship because I can't handle the pressure or expectations and he said he would have no expectations.
And then he changed the rules later and put expectations on me. And now I know what it feels like to be with someone I don't know how to live without it.
He could have just left me alone. Then neither of us would have to suffer.
And then he changed the rules later and put expectations on me. And now I know what it feels like to be with someone I don't know how to live without it.
He could have just left me alone. Then neither of us would have to suffer.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
The hardest thing for me when my bf was abusing drugs was the lies. I felt so betrayed by the lies and felt like such a fool for believing them. My bf was telling me one thing, but doing something else. It made me feel confused and I stopped trusting myself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
I agree, this thread is a reality check for me.
Nihil - If he hasn't gotten a clue already, your bf will probably figure out what is up, sooner or later. Wouldn't it be better just to be honest about it? The hurt is going to happen either way. I can tell right now I found out about lies that happened years ago in my marriage...they come out sooner or later. No matter the timing - lies suck!
It is his responsbility to handle the receiving of information, not yours.
And it is your responsbility to decide if you want to get clean or keep using. Your call.
Nihil - If he hasn't gotten a clue already, your bf will probably figure out what is up, sooner or later. Wouldn't it be better just to be honest about it? The hurt is going to happen either way. I can tell right now I found out about lies that happened years ago in my marriage...they come out sooner or later. No matter the timing - lies suck!
It is his responsbility to handle the receiving of information, not yours.
And it is your responsbility to decide if you want to get clean or keep using. Your call.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
Wow this thread is so similar to many many conversations with my ex. He also thought that because I didn't say 'did you steal things, sell them, buy heroin with the money and inject it into your being?' then it was ok not to tell me. Why would I ever ask that? But even when I did finally ask, he lied. There was enough evidence to sink a ship and he denied it and told me I was crazy.
For me I got sick of the lies, manipulation and blame. Contrary to popular belief, everything that ever went wrong in his life ISN'T actually my fault. Who knew?
I can't say I would have stayed had he been honest, but at least I would have known the truth of the situation and not been completely blindsided when his heroin/crack addiction revealed itself to me. At least it might have hurt less.
For me I got sick of the lies, manipulation and blame. Contrary to popular belief, everything that ever went wrong in his life ISN'T actually my fault. Who knew?
I can't say I would have stayed had he been honest, but at least I would have known the truth of the situation and not been completely blindsided when his heroin/crack addiction revealed itself to me. At least it might have hurt less.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Personally, I think you should tell him. Yes, he will be disapointed, but disapointment comes with the territory of putting expectations on people. He will be hurt, but he is going to be hurt either way, tell him or not. If you don't tell him your addiction will and imagine how betrayed he will feel when he finds out (months or years later) that not only did you use heroin, but you constantly lied to him by not telling him.
Honesty is the best option here. You clearly have your mind set to fail. Just because you have used and he doesn't know yet is still a lie .. it is a lie by omition.
This is a no win situation. You might as well just throw the punch now and get it over with. Give him the right to choose how he wants to handle it. If he leaves that is in his best interest unless you stop romancing dope and get into a real recovery program. It is not fair to be selfish and drag him through the mud of your addiction. Just as it is not fair for him to put his insecurities on you. You are not responsible for his self worth.
Be straight up tell him you are an addict and you will do what addicts do, and that is use. If your addiction leads you to herion you can't honestly say that you won't use it. You know that more then likely you will cause you already have. It doesn't mean that you don't love him or care for him, but don't get it twisted selfishness isn't love. Addicts use drugs that is just what they do and the addiction comes first and foremost before anything or anyone.
If you don't tell him you are letting him fall deeper into the relationship based on lies and that is just not okay. I've done it and had it done to me. So I know first hand the damage that this kind of deceit causes.
Knowledge is power: Suggest he read all about opiate addiction, codependency, enabling and detaching with love. As for you. Instead of filling the void with drugs I hope you find true recovery. Life is great on this side of the fence.
Passion
Recovering Addict
Honesty is the best option here. You clearly have your mind set to fail. Just because you have used and he doesn't know yet is still a lie .. it is a lie by omition.
This is a no win situation. You might as well just throw the punch now and get it over with. Give him the right to choose how he wants to handle it. If he leaves that is in his best interest unless you stop romancing dope and get into a real recovery program. It is not fair to be selfish and drag him through the mud of your addiction. Just as it is not fair for him to put his insecurities on you. You are not responsible for his self worth.
Be straight up tell him you are an addict and you will do what addicts do, and that is use. If your addiction leads you to herion you can't honestly say that you won't use it. You know that more then likely you will cause you already have. It doesn't mean that you don't love him or care for him, but don't get it twisted selfishness isn't love. Addicts use drugs that is just what they do and the addiction comes first and foremost before anything or anyone.
If you don't tell him you are letting him fall deeper into the relationship based on lies and that is just not okay. I've done it and had it done to me. So I know first hand the damage that this kind of deceit causes.
Knowledge is power: Suggest he read all about opiate addiction, codependency, enabling and detaching with love. As for you. Instead of filling the void with drugs I hope you find true recovery. Life is great on this side of the fence.
Passion
Recovering Addict
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 178
Hey nihil,
I think the biggest thing you have to think about is do you want the relationship more than you want to do drugs or is it the other way around? Personally, I don't think you have to tell him about the one time you used heroin so much as you have to question if you really do want to do it again. If he is more important to you than doing drugs, then battle the wish to do it again. If you wish to do it again, then tell him straight away.
If you really do love him, please save him the nightmare of heroin addiction. If you love yourself at all, then please save yourself that nightmare too!
You matter, he matters too. But if you are intent on self-destruction, don't make him watch you!
To me its a no-brainer. Love is so hard to find in this world, and it's never an easy road for either person. Both have to adjust and live with another in mind. If you pursue this road and stay with him, you'll be dragging him down that road with you. Remember that, if you do love him!
Because I can tell you it's hell being on the other side of that. And you can burn his dreams along with yours - dreams of happiness, children, a future.
Is heroin really worth all that?
It still amazes me that a powder can be stronger than that, but I know from experience that it can.
You can't have both - a good life and heroin too. You have to choose! I know the choice that will make YOU happier as well as him, but it's your choice to make. Nobody has ever found real happiness through heroin, just a quick fix to all the internal drama.
We're all ****ed up! But we can make it better for each other or worse. I hope you choose better! If that's not what you want, be honest to him and let him go. It's your life, or "our life" - loneliness and addiction - or love and hope. Is it really that hard????
I think the biggest thing you have to think about is do you want the relationship more than you want to do drugs or is it the other way around? Personally, I don't think you have to tell him about the one time you used heroin so much as you have to question if you really do want to do it again. If he is more important to you than doing drugs, then battle the wish to do it again. If you wish to do it again, then tell him straight away.
If you really do love him, please save him the nightmare of heroin addiction. If you love yourself at all, then please save yourself that nightmare too!
You matter, he matters too. But if you are intent on self-destruction, don't make him watch you!
To me its a no-brainer. Love is so hard to find in this world, and it's never an easy road for either person. Both have to adjust and live with another in mind. If you pursue this road and stay with him, you'll be dragging him down that road with you. Remember that, if you do love him!
Because I can tell you it's hell being on the other side of that. And you can burn his dreams along with yours - dreams of happiness, children, a future.
Is heroin really worth all that?
It still amazes me that a powder can be stronger than that, but I know from experience that it can.
You can't have both - a good life and heroin too. You have to choose! I know the choice that will make YOU happier as well as him, but it's your choice to make. Nobody has ever found real happiness through heroin, just a quick fix to all the internal drama.
We're all ****ed up! But we can make it better for each other or worse. I hope you choose better! If that's not what you want, be honest to him and let him go. It's your life, or "our life" - loneliness and addiction - or love and hope. Is it really that hard????
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