Stop caring if your addict leaves you!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: somewhere better
Posts: 49
we are all different, differing levels of pain, different lives. a bit like childbirth, pain levels are personal.
found myself like an addict in my relationship, noone could make me leave till i was ready, noone could make me see what they did from the outside looking in.
why did i stay well we had a LIFE, hard life but 14 years of one and it was my world, moving on was daunting and hard, admitting failure, i loved him, wanted him to change and tried to fight for that. didnt work as i learnt the hard way cant make him change for me, he has to do it for him. we are all living life our paths similar but different. we need support.
December admire your strength in not accepting it from a partner, i am different took me longer to learn some of lifes lessons and am still learning.
found myself like an addict in my relationship, noone could make me leave till i was ready, noone could make me see what they did from the outside looking in.
why did i stay well we had a LIFE, hard life but 14 years of one and it was my world, moving on was daunting and hard, admitting failure, i loved him, wanted him to change and tried to fight for that. didnt work as i learnt the hard way cant make him change for me, he has to do it for him. we are all living life our paths similar but different. we need support.
December admire your strength in not accepting it from a partner, i am different took me longer to learn some of lifes lessons and am still learning.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 159
It has taken me a few days to keep myself from responding because I need to change how I react to others. At first I wanted to explain in detail and be rather rude and attack you but that is wrong.
I do not understand either and that is the exact reason I am here. I don't want to worry, I don't want to be pathetic anymore, I don't want to be addicted. I am powerless. I need help. I want help. I WANT HELP! So I want to thank you for this post because it helps me when I am weak. It helps me to read response from Laurie, Cynical One, and all the other FF. I can't run until I learn to walk, even if it is only one tiny step at a time.
Originally Posted by December2011 
I spent years trying to get rid of my AS.... I can't imagine giving a damn about some guy.. and worrying that he is going to leave me?????? when he is the F'd up one.
I will never understand
I will never understand
I do not understand either and that is the exact reason I am here. I don't want to worry, I don't want to be pathetic anymore, I don't want to be addicted. I am powerless. I need help. I want help. I WANT HELP! So I want to thank you for this post because it helps me when I am weak. It helps me to read response from Laurie, Cynical One, and all the other FF. I can't run until I learn to walk, even if it is only one tiny step at a time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
I just think there are no simple answers to why we do things or why things happen , nothing is as black and white as it seems addiction is by far one of the most baffling things I have encountered in my life, I have made so many mistakes I cant even count them on my fingers .
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
Cynical, I'm sorry (yes I am, that you had to be kicked in the backside from others to finally get it). That is not my journey, nor does it seem like some others here either.
I would not have learned or benefited that way as I got enough of "DO THIS" "DO WHAT I TELL YOU" "I WASH MY HANDS OF YOU" (controlling) behaviors from people I have personally known (thank you very much) AND from my AH to last a life time.
I had to find my own way away from my addicted loved one (and toxic family members) through peaceful and encouraging means. This forum was/is the haven from my personal hell that has given me A LOT to help me on my journey. Without their positivity, I prob. would STILL be wallowing in the muck and NOT very content mind you.
... but you know what? I DID finally give myself that kick up the backside. On my own time. No one had to do it for me, or show me the light or make me 'see' what I was doing was wrecking my life. I had to see it all through myself no matter how long it took or how many posts or what have you. Well, that's not entirely truthful because the life lessons people posted here and the really wise counsel from others who shared their stories helped tremendously!!!
Sometimes I still get sad, mad, upset and miss my AH, but know I will be divorcing him soon enough. I came to that decision myself. No one had to ask me how it was working out for me or what I was doing to work on myself etc. - I had to get my story out. I had to wallow and cry and ask why why why? And then, I came back to reflect and to question and to read posts and to get more information... and then I separated from my husband and now, I'm preparing for divorce.
I did it. No one else did but me and I'm proud of my journey. I'm bruised and a bit battered but I fought the fight and still am fighting it every day (to be strong and to keep going).
Just because people here 'need' that kick up the backside and yearn for it to stop their "WHINING", does it mean we have to all be treated this way just because it worked for them? Aren't we all unique individuals who are recovering differently? Does that make those of us who actually recover with positive affirmations and encouragement weak and insane?
Please...I wave a white flag and beg of the "tough love" posters here, don't make the ones of us on here who loathe and detest that kind of advice or postings out to be weak and will never 'figure it out' without that push/shove/kick/punch to wake us up. And I hereby will refrain from having my sensitive skin being bristled when tough love posts are given to those who WANT and APPRECIATE them. Promise.
I'm here and a survivor as are many here. It may have taken me longer than it would have taken you... but that would have been your journey not mine and I have no right to judge you or anyone here on this forum as recovering addicts AND/or recovering codies.
Peace to all this eve... Hugs!
I would not have learned or benefited that way as I got enough of "DO THIS" "DO WHAT I TELL YOU" "I WASH MY HANDS OF YOU" (controlling) behaviors from people I have personally known (thank you very much) AND from my AH to last a life time.
I had to find my own way away from my addicted loved one (and toxic family members) through peaceful and encouraging means. This forum was/is the haven from my personal hell that has given me A LOT to help me on my journey. Without their positivity, I prob. would STILL be wallowing in the muck and NOT very content mind you.
... but you know what? I DID finally give myself that kick up the backside. On my own time. No one had to do it for me, or show me the light or make me 'see' what I was doing was wrecking my life. I had to see it all through myself no matter how long it took or how many posts or what have you. Well, that's not entirely truthful because the life lessons people posted here and the really wise counsel from others who shared their stories helped tremendously!!!
Sometimes I still get sad, mad, upset and miss my AH, but know I will be divorcing him soon enough. I came to that decision myself. No one had to ask me how it was working out for me or what I was doing to work on myself etc. - I had to get my story out. I had to wallow and cry and ask why why why? And then, I came back to reflect and to question and to read posts and to get more information... and then I separated from my husband and now, I'm preparing for divorce.
I did it. No one else did but me and I'm proud of my journey. I'm bruised and a bit battered but I fought the fight and still am fighting it every day (to be strong and to keep going).
Just because people here 'need' that kick up the backside and yearn for it to stop their "WHINING", does it mean we have to all be treated this way just because it worked for them? Aren't we all unique individuals who are recovering differently? Does that make those of us who actually recover with positive affirmations and encouragement weak and insane?
Please...I wave a white flag and beg of the "tough love" posters here, don't make the ones of us on here who loathe and detest that kind of advice or postings out to be weak and will never 'figure it out' without that push/shove/kick/punch to wake us up. And I hereby will refrain from having my sensitive skin being bristled when tough love posts are given to those who WANT and APPRECIATE them. Promise.
I'm here and a survivor as are many here. It may have taken me longer than it would have taken you... but that would have been your journey not mine and I have no right to judge you or anyone here on this forum as recovering addicts AND/or recovering codies.
Peace to all this eve... Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
I want to correct something above... I totally agree with you Cynical that yes, most if not all of us are 'insane' for being in such unhealthy 'relationships' and environments... I guess I think giving positive affirmations and encouragements don't necessarily keep some of us there... you know?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by CanfixONLYme
Just because people here 'need' that kick up the backside and yearn for it to stop their "WHINING", does it mean we have to all be treated this way just because it worked for them?
My therapist will acknowledge my pain, but he won't stop there, either. He'll come back at me with some hard questions, designed to snap me out of my fog.
I know which posters will give me a boot up the ass, and which ones won't. When I stopped wishing certain members would change their style for me, I knew I had made significant progress in breaking my codie thought processes. I accept each member as is, or not at all. It's my choice to read their shares, take what I need, and leave the rest.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 151
Who is Normal? What is Normal?
I have come to pondered this in the last 6 months. I thought I was Normal for how loved my son. Then when TSHTF, I thought I must not be Normal for how I am handling the situation. Then I went to the meetings and lecutres and reading and thought I must be Normal, seems like everyone has been through crap like this. I look around at families in mhy neighborhood that seem Normal, but they probably have issues too. My son in a meeting was told he would never be Normal again like others.
Well what is Normal? I do not think there is an answer. Well maybe in a storybook.
I have come to pondered this in the last 6 months. I thought I was Normal for how loved my son. Then when TSHTF, I thought I must not be Normal for how I am handling the situation. Then I went to the meetings and lecutres and reading and thought I must be Normal, seems like everyone has been through crap like this. I look around at families in mhy neighborhood that seem Normal, but they probably have issues too. My son in a meeting was told he would never be Normal again like others.
Well what is Normal? I do not think there is an answer. Well maybe in a storybook.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 81
I think that December, in a weird way, is trying to empower women who she sees as "victimized", trying to tell them that they are better than that, and should not allow themselves to be abused. Not trying to speak for her here, so correct me if I'm wrong, OP. From the outside it often does seem so simple. But when there is a relationship, family, other factors involved it is much more complex.
Present
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
Posts: 1,252
it's always more clear, how to get out of harm's way, from a distance, from the position of the observer...objective.
Subjective is completely different. How one got IN there has a lot to do with how one can get OUT. It can be hard to gain perspective.
Working at a crisis hotline is amazing experience. Keeping a person on the line has everything to do with how much help can be given.
In some cases, a firmer approach will yield helpful results.
But in some cases, words can lead a down and damaged one into feeling more down and damaged, like hitting one where one is already bruised.
There is no one-response-fits-all.
Subjective is completely different. How one got IN there has a lot to do with how one can get OUT. It can be hard to gain perspective.
Working at a crisis hotline is amazing experience. Keeping a person on the line has everything to do with how much help can be given.
In some cases, a firmer approach will yield helpful results.
But in some cases, words can lead a down and damaged one into feeling more down and damaged, like hitting one where one is already bruised.
There is no one-response-fits-all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
That is the thing, Ann, I realize just how perfectly "normal" it was for me to do everything in my power to “help” my son… Our instinct as parents is to “love” and to “protect” to put our kids first (something lost on rare people that put relationships before their kids) and then I realized how much I needed to let go, because I had done all I could…. for now. I listened, and I thought this made me “sick” but it was just so damn normal.
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