Stop caring if your addict leaves you!!!!!!!

Old 03-31-2012, 06:54 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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As I grow older, I'm remembering all of the old adages I grew up with. Those sayings have endured time because of the basic truth behind them.

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.

If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

You can't help a person who refuses to help themselves.

Perhaps these old sayings came about because of addiction, alcoholism and codependence. I'm willing to bet that all of the conditions existed long before the Internet.

Each of us get to our own point in recovery in our own time. I take a break from SR from time to time. I do it for me. I do it because sometimes I have nothing new or fresh to reflect on in my own recovery.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 03-31-2012, 10:07 AM
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Can't speak for others, but I know why I stayed in many dysfunctional relationships. Here's my top five ...
  • Had an alcoholic father who would abandon us constantly. The thought of losing yet another person was too much for me to handle.
  • I used to get all my self-esteem from external sources. I felt "loved" when I was in a relationship. Didn't matter if it was a bad relationship. When I was alone, I felt unloved and unworthy. Which is how I felt as a child.
  • Spending my time worrying about and trying to fix my boyfriends and family members gave me very little time to look at myself and actually address some of the issues which were causing me to stay in dysfunctional relationships.
  • I was shamed so much as a child that I felt that EVERYTHING was my fault. So, when abusive boys/men treated me badly it sort of confirmed what I already felt about myself.
  • Living is a state of chaos was what I was used to as a child. Crazy boys/men that needed fixing felt comfortable to me. I also think that somewhere deep down I thought if I successfully fixed a boyfriend that I might be able to fix my father. Never succeeded at either, but boy did I keep trying!

I do understand how difficult it is to let people follow their own paths (whether it's an addict not getting help or a codependent partner/spouse staying with an addict). But we are all on our own journey and it's a process that everyone takes at their own pace.

I have found it best when I try to stick with simply share my own experience, strength, and hope (ESH).

Thank you for letting me share.

db
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Old 03-31-2012, 10:28 AM
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Every WTF moment I experience here and in real life, provides me with another growth opportunity I usually don't want but absolutely need.
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Old 03-31-2012, 11:10 AM
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Originally Posted by December2011 View Post
What is it with all these girls in here that are so worried about their ABF or the RBF leaves them??? I am confused.
This is one of the most insensitive posts I have ever read on SR. Who are you to tell others how to feel and behave?
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Old 03-31-2012, 11:39 AM
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I allowed my son to move home...he stole from me, he lied, he used drugs in my home and hid stolen goods there which could have landed ME in jail...he was disrespectful and sad..yet I loved him and tried with all my heart to "save" him from addiction.

The difference between me, a codependent, and a normal healthy mother who is simply distraught because her child uses drugs is that I didn't know when to stop. I didn't know where his addiction and my codependency would take us. When I knew better, I did better.

Thing is, December, we are sick people here, I know I am. I don't "think" like normal people or process my fear and grief the same way. I panic, I have anxiety attacks and I have to work hard to hang on to my recovery every single day, or I will die.

I hear your frustration...if only we would all listen to the voice of reason and stop being so enmeshed in our loved ones' addictions....if only.

But that's why we're here, to help each other by sharing what worked for us, by sharing what helped us find our way out of the darkness and back into the light of life. It took me years to find a better way, not a few posts on a message board with answers that reminded me how very screwed up I was.

We walk together here, sharing our tears, sharing our joy and sharing our support for those who are struggling. We share our hearts here by sharing our own experience, strength and hope.

So December, maybe it would help if you shared what worked for you. Really, how did you find your way to a better path? There are many here who would love to hear your story, I am one of them. It might help lessen the pain of others if you share how you overcame your own pain.

That's what this place is all about, one codie helping another. Our pain is all relevant, no pain is easier or less than anyone else's. When we hurt, we hurt bad, so let's all walk together and share our journey...it's better than judging one another.

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Old 03-31-2012, 02:00 PM
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(((((December)))))

I understand your frustration and confusion.

Many years ago I felt the same way. My AA sponsor suggested I go volunteer at the local Domestic Violence Center.

Well, I have been a volunteer at several centers over the last 20+ years. My attitude changed dramatically very quickly. I came to understand that the "Battered Wife Syndrome" is very real and very similar to the "Stockholm Syndrome" that 'hostages' come to have, only with the 'Battered Wife Syndrome' (battered wife or girl friend or finance, etc) it has been going on much longer.

They have subconsciously over a longer period of time become convinced that they cannot survive without the person. That they are 'stupid, dumb, cannot make decisions, that their life will be nothing without the person, etc in other words no self worth or self esteem at all.

When these women (girls) hear the same 'mantra' day in and day out, years in and years out, it is almost like brain washing, they come to believe this as fact. It can take months just to get them to agree to some counseling, and years of counseling to get them to see the 'brain washing' that was done to them.

I have been where you are.

I understand that some of the members on here will take umbrage with your thread, however, if they will just look at your pain they will understand and maybe realize that a time or two or more they have become frustrated with a poster on here that does not seem to get the message we are sending as soon as I/we wanted them to.

There have been, and are posters on here, that when I see a new thread started by them I will quickly scan it to see if it is "the same old same old" or if it is actually something new. If new I will post. If it is 'same old nothing has changed' thread I pass it up.

Sometimes I too 'step away' for a while. Just did that for the past 5 days or so. Had to take a breather.

Again (((((December))))) I do understand, maybe too well. lol And, I do understand your pain and why you started this thread. The frustration can become overwhelming. I recently had a whole post removed from a thread by a forum leader because he/she thought one small paragraph was picking on the OP when in fact I was just trying to be encouraging to her with all she has been through. So I had to step away, because if someone thought I was 'picking' on the original poster, by my words, then I needed to regroup and take a second look before I posted on any thread.

Remember we/I love you. We/I can be frustrated, but I believe it actually goes back to the fact that I/we cannot change any other human being, and we/I all get to the "enough is enough" point at different times.

J M H O

Lots of love and bunches of hugs,
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Old 03-31-2012, 02:05 PM
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Laurie, I have been reading 'Why Charming Men Make Dangerous Lovers' and was considering coming back here to raise a few issues. I don't need to as you already raised them
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Old 03-31-2012, 02:50 PM
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Beautiful post, Laurie.

December, you said something on the forum here that you would have felt completely free to say to a girlfriend sitting at your kitchen table with a cup of coffee: "Why do those girls cling those abusive drug-addicted men? I just don't get it!"

That seems to me a reasonable befuddlement. And it is very similar to the feeling I have had when wives who have been beaten black and blue go back to their abusive husbands, terrified they might lose him.

I don't have anything to add to the conversation. Just want to thank Laurie and to acknowledge December's right to her confusion.
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Old 03-31-2012, 02:55 PM
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Laurie...spot on...I, too, understand what December is making reference to...thought the same thing many times, yet never post it.

If we really analyze this forum there are only a handful of people who post on a regular basis, most are just hit and miss, and speaking for myself only, sometimes it does get overwhelming.

Might be time for me to pull the Pink Hummer out of storage and do a road trip...been years....what fun we codies had...on the road again!
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:21 PM
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I think it's nice that a lot of you are sending encouraging messages to Dec, but I guess you missed her reponse to a new person on these boards which was removed by an administrator earlier this morning. Someone who seems to be trying and is new indicated she was "screwed up" but was making efforts like the rest of us. yet Dec only response to her post was something along the lines of "I'm glad you've learned you're screwed up." period... And that my sober recovery posters IS NOT acceptable. The moderator took her post down and my answer (I'm okay with that) because I was furious over the lack of compassion for someone so new and raw into recovery.

I find it appaulling how some (note I say some) feel that since they post frequently on these boards, their comments (esp those of "take what you want and leave the rest") give none of us who are fecking drowning a positive lifeline!!! And if we say something back out of hurt, then WE are the ones with the problem?? That's so messed up.
Arent we here to focus on our own recovery and give examples based on our lives?? When I sense a school ground bullying comment, I'm going to say something even if I dont have anything "new" to say about myself or MY recovery or that I don't post often enough here... Everyone deserves to be heard but when its obvious others are being attacked because of personal frustrations does not give them the right to be mean about it...

I have been through hell and back with my own story and I have tried to post supportive and encouraging comments to others along the way. I don't live on these boards but they have been a lifeline to me that I will always rememember.

... Am I just not getting the rules of posting on here (see above stickies) or is this such an exclusive recovery club that i will never fit into ?? I just don't get it.
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:37 PM
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Yes, CanFix, I agree, we need to be compassionate. I have a therapist who has sat with me while I was in pain for not months, but years, because of a break-up with an addict I deeply loved. The therapist did not tell me my pain was in any way wrong. He accepted my grief and my destroyed self-worth. He did not hold up a calendar to time my emotional breakdown's start and finish.

No one understands better than someone who has been in love with a beautiful/horrible addict how wrenching it is to lose him or to have to leave him. To be powerless over his disease of the mind and soul and to lose him because of it.

I do understand why other people don't understand why we suffer so terribly. I learned to be very careful about to whom I revealed my pain. Some friends were just too impatient for me to get over it. And I hurt so much I could hardly breathe. They could not understand. They said "You just dodged a bullet." "God just did you a favor."

And all I wanted was the addict I loved to come back. Healthy and capable of loving me.

Who else would understand that except those who post here and sit in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon rooms all over the world?
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Old 03-31-2012, 03:40 PM
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I find it appaulling how some (note I say some) feel that since they post frequently on these boards, their comments (esp those of "take what you want and leave the rest") give none of us who are fecking drowning a positive lifeline

Personally, I find the most helpful comments to be the ones that are straight up and honest. I am the master of trying to minimize and convince myself that an unacceptable situation is acceptable. When I post on here it's usually because I know I need a dose of reality that I don't get from my friends/family. And even though I've read some comments that are sometimes hard to hear I know they come from someone who's been there and is just trying to help. Kinda like that bitter medicine that's hard to swallow but is necessary.

JMHO
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Old 03-31-2012, 04:09 PM
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"I find it appaulling how some (note I say some) feel that since they post frequently on these boards, their comments (esp those of "take what you want and leave the rest") give none of us who are fecking drowning a positive lifeline"

I believe that all who respond here want nothing more than to toss out a positive life line
to those who are in pain and seek answers and help to move forward. All who continue to respond here have been where you and others are today. None of us have to come here, none of us have to support others, we do it....because we care...that is the ONLY
common denominator.
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Old 03-31-2012, 04:34 PM
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I come here for experience, strength and hope. I try to contribute experience, strength and hope.

I, too, left for awhile. I was finding some posters were offering pointed advice and expecting instant action. "I've told you what to do. Why aren't you listening to me and doing this right now?" type of attitude. It was like they had forgotten that they, too, didn't immediately respond to advice given early in their recovery and how stuck you can feel. (If it was that easy, there would be no need for SR!) I was getting angry and had to walk away.

I don't mind straight talk. I want to hear what I need to hear, even if I don't like the answer, but the comments for a while seemed to be harsher than necessary and not follow the guideline of: Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.

When I returned after a couple of months I found the posts to be more E,S & H than before, and while blunt sometimes, not as mean. I appreciate getting the message without attitude.

Personally, I want to thank the moderators for toning things down. It isn't helpful if I miss the message because I am incensed by the post.

Though fewer in number, men don't seem to find it any easier to leave than the "girls", or to be left by their alcoholic/addict loved ones, even when they are on the receiving end of an abusive relationship.

Lastly, there is a sticky about what to post and not post, especially in relation to domestic abuse. Maybe it's time for a reread.

Having said all this, I am glad SR is here for all of us that find it helps. Keep coming back!
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Old 03-31-2012, 06:27 PM
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dbh, your honesty regarding this question, which I think is, "why do women (girls LOL) stay or want to stay in an abusive relationship?" was very helpful for me, thank you. I think this is the sort of work I need to do on myself, that being honestly look at WTF is going on with ME.
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Old 03-31-2012, 07:52 PM
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Might be time for me to pull the Pink Hummer out of storage and do a road trip...been years....what fun we codies had...on the road again!

Please don't forget the


the extra pairs of the PINK STEEL TOED BUNNY SLIPPERS

as I am sure some of us (moi) have buried ours so far back in the closet that we may not be able to find them.

You're right it has been way too long!!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-31-2012, 09:11 PM
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when I feel (from my perspective) overwhelmed and anxious about what other people are doing to the point of wanting to say "why would you (list behavior here)?" I take a deep breath, realize I've just been personally triggered, sit back, figure it out, and speak later only after I can offer kind and noncritical support.
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Old 04-01-2012, 11:29 AM
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I don't take offense to what December posted at all. I actually wanted to get to that type of mind frame to think that way for myself. Do you know if I had thought that way going through what I did, I wouldn't have stuck it out with my ex long at all? Or for that matter, ended it on the first month of dating!

I think this is kind of good, that someone can have the guts to post such a GREAT question. Why do girls, women (any person really) have fear of an abusive person leaving them? And as December said... they just don't get it. The answer to that can be summed up relatively simple. You don't get it because it really doesn't make sense, and most thought processed thinking from a co-dependent or abused person has been altered to think differently.

I've read some pretty on the edge posts from people here and if I recognize something that starts to offend me, I look deeper into WHY it would. It's been about 10 months since I had left my abusive ex and I look at everything so much different. I have been to the point where I feared him leaving. I look back now and understand how twisted my thinking really was, and my self esteem was almost gone then. There is a lot of brainwashing that happens which is scary since it's gradual and slithers in in a very sly manner.
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Old 04-01-2012, 04:44 PM
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A used copy of Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives by Laura Schlessinger is available at Amazon for 1 cent.

It's an older book with the potential to change lives.
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Old 04-01-2012, 05:17 PM
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December wrote:

"and i have a horrible son who is shooting oxy(he was always kind of lazy and a jerk without drugs) but I never put up with a guy that was a jerk."

Wow. And you are questioning others? I wish you peace and serenity.
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