Feeling so may things =(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 2
Feeling so may things =(
My husband just disappeared for a few days after noticing erratic behavior and things missing that were well worth thousands of dollars, I convinced my father to press charges and get a warrant out for him as both his a my family were terrified he was dead on the side of the street at this point. I went looking for him found him, called the cops and when the did a search of our vehicle, my world turned upside down. Two citations, one for schedule I possession and paraphenelia (however you spell it) It was at this time he finally admitted to me that he was addicted to heroin after 6 years of marriage. I would never have thought that the lies would be so pronounced, or the man I married would be arrested for felony theft charges. Thus far he has been in jail roughly 5 days. At first he was apologetic and very emotional about the things he had done to myself and my family. However, today he was angry because no one is going to bail him out. He even refused to sign a power of attorney for me to take care of the financial mess he left us in. I am so angry, hurt, anxious, frustrated and overwhelmed. I have no problem supporting the man I call my husband, if my husband wants to fight the addict he has become. But I am not sure what to expect. I have looked for a naranon and alanon group around my area, but can not seem to locate one close by. He signed up for rehab today, but I am not sure what to think or believe anymore. Any advice or words of wisdom at this point would be appreciated. I do not want to seem like a rambler, so I am sorry if I wasn't detailed enough. 
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Hi SheddingTears,
I'm so sorry you are going through this chapter of your life and that it's occurring in such surprising and dramatic fashion. My encouragement is that you don't give up on searching for the right meeting for you, and if your husband's treatment asks for your participation, that you do.
You may even want to seek counseling for yourself, particularly in light of the brash discovery and surprise that your husband used heroin. You have my prayers for your husbands recovery and healing for your marriage.
I'm so sorry you are going through this chapter of your life and that it's occurring in such surprising and dramatic fashion. My encouragement is that you don't give up on searching for the right meeting for you, and if your husband's treatment asks for your participation, that you do.
You may even want to seek counseling for yourself, particularly in light of the brash discovery and surprise that your husband used heroin. You have my prayers for your husbands recovery and healing for your marriage.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to our little corner of the world, Tears, I'm sorry your life is so upside down right now. Most of us here have loved people addicted to substances, and I know how hard it is to watch.
You did the right thing by not bailing him out, most times they will promise the moon but go right back to using the moment they get free, It's just how addiction works, no matter how well intended their promises were.
He may say he is going to rehab as a ruse to get bailed out...he wouldn't be the first here to do that. But if he is sincere and actually goes, it would be a good start to trying to beat addiction. His actions will tell you more than his words over the next few weeks.
I hope you find a meeting, surrounding yourself with support would help you regain your balance and find strength once again to take care of yourself. Check Al-Anon and Nar-Anon and coDA for meetings in your area. If you need help with this, send me a PM and maybe I can find a list for you. I think the links may be up on the "Sticky" threads at the top of this forum, but I am not sure how up to date they are.
Make yourself comfortable, take a read around and I hope you can find some comfort and peace here.
Hugs
You did the right thing by not bailing him out, most times they will promise the moon but go right back to using the moment they get free, It's just how addiction works, no matter how well intended their promises were.
He may say he is going to rehab as a ruse to get bailed out...he wouldn't be the first here to do that. But if he is sincere and actually goes, it would be a good start to trying to beat addiction. His actions will tell you more than his words over the next few weeks.
I hope you find a meeting, surrounding yourself with support would help you regain your balance and find strength once again to take care of yourself. Check Al-Anon and Nar-Anon and coDA for meetings in your area. If you need help with this, send me a PM and maybe I can find a list for you. I think the links may be up on the "Sticky" threads at the top of this forum, but I am not sure how up to date they are.
Make yourself comfortable, take a read around and I hope you can find some comfort and peace here.
Hugs
trying to find a balance
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 57
Welcome.
The road that you’re on sounds like it has taken on its own life. What is important now is that you take care of yourself. This is something that am I just starting to do and it’s not easy. But take time, focus on what you need, and if you cant find a meeting then come here. There are hundreds of people here to listen and share what they have learned.
Recovery for you, and your husband, is going to be a long road. Surround your self with friends and family and take care of your self. You are stronger than you know!
The road that you’re on sounds like it has taken on its own life. What is important now is that you take care of yourself. This is something that am I just starting to do and it’s not easy. But take time, focus on what you need, and if you cant find a meeting then come here. There are hundreds of people here to listen and share what they have learned.
Recovery for you, and your husband, is going to be a long road. Surround your self with friends and family and take care of your self. You are stronger than you know!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Hold fast to not bailing your husband out. This is something he most certainly needs to face on his own (the consequences to his drug abuse). So often we who love our addicts choose to soften the blow but the blow is what helps to turn our loved ones around--should they choose to turn around. Read as much as you can on this forum--a lot is shared here of what to expect. Addiction seems to follow a path that is similar in each of our stories. You may think your situation will be different from all the hundreds of other stories shared here--but believe, me, your situation is not unique. I hope your husband will truly decide to make right the wrong path he has chosen for his life--but only he can change the path. You are powerless to change him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Yours is a heartbreaking post. Welcome to recovery. You are not alone.
My guess is he has tried many times to stop on his own. Most addicts find that impossible. I'm glad he's headed for rehab.
I have read that opiate addiction has an incredibly emotional component, the addict is emotionally bonded to the drug in an intense way. So not only is the detox miserable, but there is a profound grief in the addict.
This means there will be little room for rehabilitating your marriage for some time. He has to get well on his own, and as the wife of a drug addict (hopefully one in long-term recovery one day), you will always need support. Counseling or meetings or both. Addiction will always be a part of your marriage. But there is much support, good people working good programs of recovery. As they say in Al-Anon, "there is no situation too difficult to be bettered." It is true. We just have to do our work.
Many people here have long years of experience and insight. They will walk with you. And a Nar-Anon group would be especially helpful if you can find one. Otherwise, Nar-Anon does have a website and literature.
I hope the rehab offers family counseling. You will need that.
Wishing health for both you and your husband. Keep strong boundaries. His addiction will want to run the show.
My guess is he has tried many times to stop on his own. Most addicts find that impossible. I'm glad he's headed for rehab.
I have read that opiate addiction has an incredibly emotional component, the addict is emotionally bonded to the drug in an intense way. So not only is the detox miserable, but there is a profound grief in the addict.
This means there will be little room for rehabilitating your marriage for some time. He has to get well on his own, and as the wife of a drug addict (hopefully one in long-term recovery one day), you will always need support. Counseling or meetings or both. Addiction will always be a part of your marriage. But there is much support, good people working good programs of recovery. As they say in Al-Anon, "there is no situation too difficult to be bettered." It is true. We just have to do our work.
Many people here have long years of experience and insight. They will walk with you. And a Nar-Anon group would be especially helpful if you can find one. Otherwise, Nar-Anon does have a website and literature.
I hope the rehab offers family counseling. You will need that.
Wishing health for both you and your husband. Keep strong boundaries. His addiction will want to run the show.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Hi shedding tears
My husband is a recovering heroin addict, so know that he can find recovery and much faster if no one is enabling him.
Try to keep the emotions out of it for now. He committed a crime, and he got arrested as he should have, he can get a lawyer, he can bargain a deal, he can ask for rehab instead of jail or choose to stay in jail and he can do this all on his own.
He is capable of helping himself, don’t view him as helpless because he isn’t, no addict is.
Extremely important don’t ride his emotions ... 5 days in jail he will be miserable, still kicking, mentally a mess and this is how it is, there is no free ride with heroin ever.
Protect yourself and your children if you have any, and if they are old enough, early teens up do not lie to them, let them know the truth as to what is going on.
Read and read some more, on enabling, on codependency on heroin addiction and get a support system.
Know you have no control at all and you can not love him well.
Also know that he doesn’t use at you, so don’t take this personal.
Take good care of you!
My husband is a recovering heroin addict, so know that he can find recovery and much faster if no one is enabling him.
Try to keep the emotions out of it for now. He committed a crime, and he got arrested as he should have, he can get a lawyer, he can bargain a deal, he can ask for rehab instead of jail or choose to stay in jail and he can do this all on his own.
He is capable of helping himself, don’t view him as helpless because he isn’t, no addict is.
Extremely important don’t ride his emotions ... 5 days in jail he will be miserable, still kicking, mentally a mess and this is how it is, there is no free ride with heroin ever.
Protect yourself and your children if you have any, and if they are old enough, early teens up do not lie to them, let them know the truth as to what is going on.
Read and read some more, on enabling, on codependency on heroin addiction and get a support system.
Know you have no control at all and you can not love him well.
Also know that he doesn’t use at you, so don’t take this personal.
Take good care of you!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by SheddingTears 
My husband just disappeared for a few days after noticing erratic behavior and things missing that were well worth thousands of dollars, I convinced my father to press charges and get a warrant out for him as both his a my family were terrified he was dead on the side of the street at this point. I went looking for him found him, called the cops and when the did a search of our vehicle, my world turned upside down. Two citations, one for schedule I possession and paraphenelia (however you spell it) It was at this time he finally admitted to me that he was addicted to heroin after 6 years of marriage. I would never have thought that the lies would be so pronounced, or the man I married would be arrested for felony theft charges. Thus far he has been in jail roughly 5 days. At first he was apologetic and very emotional about the things he had done to myself and my family. However, today he was angry because no one is going to bail him out. He even refused to sign a power of attorney for me to take care of the financial mess he left us in. I am so angry, hurt, anxious, frustrated and overwhelmed. I have no problem supporting the man I call my husband, if my husband wants to fight the addict he has become. But I am not sure what to expect. I have looked for a naranon and alanon group around my area, but can not seem to locate one close by. He signed up for rehab today, but I am not sure what to think or believe anymore. Any advice or words of wisdom at this point would be appreciated. I do not want to seem like a rambler, so I am sorry if I wasn't detailed enough.
No matter how many times I read stories like this, it still makes me sad, and I'm really, really sorry you're having to go through this.
You made a very strong step by searching for an Al Anon or a Nar Anon meeting. What you're feeling is things that all of us on the board, in varying degrees, have felt. You're going to be on a roller coaster for some time, and you're going to have to sit with feelings that make you uncomfortable.
As far as words of wisdom goes...
You cannot help your husband. He's on his own path right now, and his recovery, should he choose to embrace it, is literally going to be a full-time job. You have to take care of you right now.
The best part of this board is there are several posters that are in recovery themselves, and they are brutally honest. To be frank (and pardon my language), they can smell bull**** a mile away. As you read the posts, you'll be able to identify them. I consider what they have to say Must Read. Also, look at the Sticky Notes at the top of the page, especially a little post called "What Addicts Do". Please make every effort to find a meeting local to you and go with you mind and ears open. It will save your sanity...if you let it.
Best of Luck...
ZoSo
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