Need advice on kicking adult teen out of house
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: OC, Ca
Posts: 13
Need advice on kicking adult teen out of house
long story short
Kid began using at 14 - went through rehab for 2 years, was sober for 3 years, relapsed for brief time, got sober again until middle of last year. Now he's almost 20.
He has been struggling with sobriety very hard for the last 5 months. He has been to inpatient for a 5150 hold; was attending outpatient program but quit that; said he wanted inpatient - finally found a place, and he didn't want to do that - said he'd work his own program. Now he's not doing that.
3 weeks ago, I warned him if he used again, he would be kicked out.
If and when, I do kick him out, can anyone give advice on when to let them back in? Is there a good time frame of them been sober for a period of time?
This is very foriegn to me, to kick him out.
Any advice in the kicking out process will be much appreciated.
Kid began using at 14 - went through rehab for 2 years, was sober for 3 years, relapsed for brief time, got sober again until middle of last year. Now he's almost 20.
He has been struggling with sobriety very hard for the last 5 months. He has been to inpatient for a 5150 hold; was attending outpatient program but quit that; said he wanted inpatient - finally found a place, and he didn't want to do that - said he'd work his own program. Now he's not doing that.
3 weeks ago, I warned him if he used again, he would be kicked out.
If and when, I do kick him out, can anyone give advice on when to let them back in? Is there a good time frame of them been sober for a period of time?
This is very foriegn to me, to kick him out.
Any advice in the kicking out process will be much appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Given his age, I'm not sure why you would ever let him back in. Shouldn't he be developing the ability and responsibility to live on his own? My "almost 20" AS is currently in an in-patient rehab program for the second time. After the first round, he moved back into our house and then relapsed fairly quickly (the next day). After a brief period of trying to pressure him into an after-care IOP, I kicked him out of the house. He literally lived in his car for about a week, then checked himself into his current in-patient rehab program. This program will be finished on Monday, after which he will be moving into a 3/4 house/Sober Living Environment (complete with regular drug testing, meetings, structured schedule). At the moment, he has no job, and I plan to pay for up to two months in the SLE - assuming he stays there (they will kick him out if he tests positive). The SLE owner helps residents to find a job, and I'm told that the odds are he'll be able to pay for the place himself within two months.
I don't expect that my AS will ever again live with me. I don't see why he should. He can live at the SLE as long as he complies with the rules and pays the rent, which he should be able to do on his own. As he gains stability, he may move into a different living situation that I expect him to pay for. If he stays clean, I may assist him with additional expenses such as school (if he decides he wants to go). If he relapses, gets kicked out of the SLE, loses the job I expect him to get, he's on his own. And if that means living in his car, so be it.
I don't expect that my AS will ever again live with me. I don't see why he should. He can live at the SLE as long as he complies with the rules and pays the rent, which he should be able to do on his own. As he gains stability, he may move into a different living situation that I expect him to pay for. If he stays clean, I may assist him with additional expenses such as school (if he decides he wants to go). If he relapses, gets kicked out of the SLE, loses the job I expect him to get, he's on his own. And if that means living in his car, so be it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Fortunately for me, my son moved out on his own, but as he was in the process of moving I told him to realize that our home was not Plan B should things go south for him. Hopefully he'll not come begging to come home--but if he does it's up to my husband and me to say no and mean it.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((SeekingGrowth)))))
One day he will thank you for this. I know. My folks FINALLY did it to me when I was 33 1/2 years old. It took another 2 1/2 years for me to find recovery, 1 1/2 of that living on the streets of Hollyweird.
I am so ever grateful for what my parents did. I continued to thank them while they were still alive and I still thank them every evening in my prayers. It was THE BEST THING THEY EVER DID FOR ME!!!!!!
You are doing good SG and you are growing. Thank you for giving my heart a smile this morning.
(((((OCHalo)))))
As you can see, I agree with those who have already posted. All you are doing is prolonging his use of drugs. Out on his own he has to 'sink or swim' and pretty soon a rehab program or a Sober Living House and NA will start looking real good to him.
Yes, I know he is your son and you love him dearly. However, the greatest GIFT you can give him is the GIFT OF ADULTHOOD. Then he will have the responsibilities and the consequences of being an adult.
Please keep postng and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
One day he will thank you for this. I know. My folks FINALLY did it to me when I was 33 1/2 years old. It took another 2 1/2 years for me to find recovery, 1 1/2 of that living on the streets of Hollyweird.
I am so ever grateful for what my parents did. I continued to thank them while they were still alive and I still thank them every evening in my prayers. It was THE BEST THING THEY EVER DID FOR ME!!!!!!
You are doing good SG and you are growing. Thank you for giving my heart a smile this morning.
(((((OCHalo)))))
As you can see, I agree with those who have already posted. All you are doing is prolonging his use of drugs. Out on his own he has to 'sink or swim' and pretty soon a rehab program or a Sober Living House and NA will start looking real good to him.
Yes, I know he is your son and you love him dearly. However, the greatest GIFT you can give him is the GIFT OF ADULTHOOD. Then he will have the responsibilities and the consequences of being an adult.
Please keep postng and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Mine went to jail due to stealing, it was my last straw. Now he is figuring it out and living at home is NOT an option. Mine just turned 22. I realized that he has been considered an adult for 4 years by society standards (legal at 18), but I have never treated him like an adult. An Ahah! moment. I also realized he doesn't WANT to be treated like a child anymore, so I need to let that go... Hardest thing for us Moms but necessary to let them go.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
Given your son’s attitude there is almost a 100% chance he was still using in this past 3 weeks since the threat.
When do you give him the boot? You said it is if he uses again. This can be hard to prove if he is sneaky. I say, he should have to prove he isn’t using by displaying the actions of someone in serious recovery.
I am with Laurie; sober living might look pretty good compared to the streets.
From my experience, it is rare that young men recover while living at home as adults.
You are on the right track
When do you give him the boot? You said it is if he uses again. This can be hard to prove if he is sneaky. I say, he should have to prove he isn’t using by displaying the actions of someone in serious recovery.
I am with Laurie; sober living might look pretty good compared to the streets.
From my experience, it is rare that young men recover while living at home as adults.
You are on the right track
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
I was lucky too that mine moved out at 19, he was a huge problem child from a very early age. He did have friends to live with and of course would ask for money. I did pay him very well for things he did for me.
He has always been vague about who and where he lives. His relationships don't usually last very long. He met a girlie 2 years ago and quit his job to go to college full time. He did seem to be doing much better and they were working part time jobs. He didn't want me to know they were living with her mother for some reason.
Any way last August they had a huge fight and he was aking for money and I was trying to help him finish that semester as he was on the Dean's List. For 4 months he was conning me about being homeless and still making good grades to I would continue to send hime money.
I found out the truth when they has a huge fight and I had to call the police to stop her harrassment. They kicked him out and he Baker Acted himself and she was sent to detox. I found out that she was jealous and made harrassing calls to all of his friends and his sister, so they all do not want any contact with him. As far as I know he has no home, no job, and no money. I pray that this is rock bottom and his Higher Power sends him in a good direction!!!
He is 33 and girlie is 37!!! I am deeply hurt but deep down not surprised by his actions. Just very tired of the lies and drama.
I have not heard from him and don't know what is going on in his life right now. For him to quit his job and go to school full time - who did he think was going to support him??
We live in another state and I pray for him morning and night BUT I am entitled to have a good life and so are you!!
(((prayers and hugs)))
He has always been vague about who and where he lives. His relationships don't usually last very long. He met a girlie 2 years ago and quit his job to go to college full time. He did seem to be doing much better and they were working part time jobs. He didn't want me to know they were living with her mother for some reason.
Any way last August they had a huge fight and he was aking for money and I was trying to help him finish that semester as he was on the Dean's List. For 4 months he was conning me about being homeless and still making good grades to I would continue to send hime money.
I found out the truth when they has a huge fight and I had to call the police to stop her harrassment. They kicked him out and he Baker Acted himself and she was sent to detox. I found out that she was jealous and made harrassing calls to all of his friends and his sister, so they all do not want any contact with him. As far as I know he has no home, no job, and no money. I pray that this is rock bottom and his Higher Power sends him in a good direction!!!
He is 33 and girlie is 37!!! I am deeply hurt but deep down not surprised by his actions. Just very tired of the lies and drama.
I have not heard from him and don't know what is going on in his life right now. For him to quit his job and go to school full time - who did he think was going to support him??
We live in another state and I pray for him morning and night BUT I am entitled to have a good life and so are you!!
(((prayers and hugs)))
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