About to go through a world of pain
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Thank you all for your heartfelt and honest replies. I appreciate each of you so much.
I've been feeling very guilty today about having contacted his drug counselor without permission. It was court ordered and now AH says I may have seriously screwed things up for him. I know I did what i did out of fear, and desparation to save his life and my family, but now i fear I just gave him another reason to use and make me the bad guy. I've really been trying to examine today why I am so so so uncomfortable with people being mad at me. I'm sure it goes deep into my childhood. I really tried not to run away from the feeling. I made an appointment today with my therapist, I want to come up with a plan to get out of this mess. I'm also going cold turkey on the snooping. It's self destructive, i can feel it. Besides, I know enough, I just have to ACCEPT that i am powerless over his addiction. I need to create peace in my life, starting with my own heart.
I've been feeling very guilty today about having contacted his drug counselor without permission. It was court ordered and now AH says I may have seriously screwed things up for him. I know I did what i did out of fear, and desparation to save his life and my family, but now i fear I just gave him another reason to use and make me the bad guy. I've really been trying to examine today why I am so so so uncomfortable with people being mad at me. I'm sure it goes deep into my childhood. I really tried not to run away from the feeling. I made an appointment today with my therapist, I want to come up with a plan to get out of this mess. I'm also going cold turkey on the snooping. It's self destructive, i can feel it. Besides, I know enough, I just have to ACCEPT that i am powerless over his addiction. I need to create peace in my life, starting with my own heart.
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My heart goes out to you. His words sound so typical for an addict trying to blame. It's not your fault, and it's okay if he is mad at you so long as he's not abusive in any way.
I, too, have problems thinking someone is mad at me, so I know that is used to their advantage.
Take care of yourself and your little ones. I care.
I, too, have problems thinking someone is mad at me, so I know that is used to their advantage.
Take care of yourself and your little ones. I care.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Wow...his addiction is really driving the bus isn't it?
By his actions and words....he is either using....or he is looking for any excuse to use any minute.
I don't think it's wrong that you talked to his counselor.
My philosophy is....once someone has been to rehab....they have the tools. It's up to them to work with them. If they are having a hard time...they need to lean into their recovery even more.
Placating him is not going to work. You are standing on the edge of the cliff. Are you going to climb back down and away to safety? Or are you going to jump off the edge with him?
My line in the sand with my daughter is....
I will not be around you unless you are sober and working a program of recovery.
Period.
By his actions and words....he is either using....or he is looking for any excuse to use any minute.
I don't think it's wrong that you talked to his counselor.
My philosophy is....once someone has been to rehab....they have the tools. It's up to them to work with them. If they are having a hard time...they need to lean into their recovery even more.
Placating him is not going to work. You are standing on the edge of the cliff. Are you going to climb back down and away to safety? Or are you going to jump off the edge with him?
My line in the sand with my daughter is....
I will not be around you unless you are sober and working a program of recovery.
Period.
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Originally Posted by becky1982 
I have confirmed that my husband is using again. Although I'm still having a hard time accepting what that really means. It may be not as bad as before, it may be worse, as his friend thinks he is using heroin, but i dont know for sure. What i do know, from carefully observing his actions, is that he is lying to me about money, he pawned some of his tools, he is hanging out with people who use, he is texting people i dont know asking for "anything good", I also found fentanyl patch wrappers in the garage, but dont know if they are recent or from "before" (he was arrested in october and claims to have been clean since then). thats scary stuff i know. Also, I can tell by his eyes and his mood when he has used, he is so sweet and affectionate. Ive noticed a cycle of "good" days and "bad" days, and I dont think he goes more than two days without using. Ive been learning a lot about opiate addiction and codependency. im trying to take this one moment at a time, one feeling at a time, and to take care of myself and my kids, but im having a very hard time...im grieving the loss of my marriage. After talking with his best friend since childhood last night, i now know, because his friend says my AH stole money from him twice in the last couple months, and he believes he is very deep in active addiction right now. It confirmed a lot of my perceptions, but i realize I have a hard time trusting myself, im learning. So, Im trying to get an appointment set up with AH's counselor, and I guess i will give him an ultimatum- rehab or leave.
Im very scared, he will deny it, make me feel crazy, blame me, claim i just want to get rid of him, that im seeing someone else (im not of course!), thats what he did a couple weeks ago and i backed down, decided i was just paranoid. He became so enraged with my accusations that i was scared, he threatened to leave and use and said it was my fault. All i could think was that he would die and i didnt stop him. I ended up apologizing and begging him not to go...very messed up indeed.
The worst part is when he is neglecting me, I hurt so bad that I see our marriage not lasting and it makes it easier. But when he is loving me, I feel so close to him that I feel that the pain of losing him would literally be the end of me. He is on the loving side of that cycle right now, and the sad thing is its probably just because he has a good supply of drugs in his system....
This is not the first time ive been through this, my older childs father left us for drugs when she was four...this marriage was supposed to be our redemption! I blame myself for choosing this person as my poor daughter will have to lose another dad to this disease. I should have protected her! I hate myself for that. and now we have a baby, a beautiful baby girl. My girls are my light.
So here i am, standing at the edge of this, so scared and so sad. I dont know if im strong enough.
My worst fear, he will deny my accusations and leave us in anger. I will be so lonely. But i guess I already am alone anyway...
thanks for listening.
Im very scared, he will deny it, make me feel crazy, blame me, claim i just want to get rid of him, that im seeing someone else (im not of course!), thats what he did a couple weeks ago and i backed down, decided i was just paranoid. He became so enraged with my accusations that i was scared, he threatened to leave and use and said it was my fault. All i could think was that he would die and i didnt stop him. I ended up apologizing and begging him not to go...very messed up indeed.
The worst part is when he is neglecting me, I hurt so bad that I see our marriage not lasting and it makes it easier. But when he is loving me, I feel so close to him that I feel that the pain of losing him would literally be the end of me. He is on the loving side of that cycle right now, and the sad thing is its probably just because he has a good supply of drugs in his system....
This is not the first time ive been through this, my older childs father left us for drugs when she was four...this marriage was supposed to be our redemption! I blame myself for choosing this person as my poor daughter will have to lose another dad to this disease. I should have protected her! I hate myself for that. and now we have a baby, a beautiful baby girl. My girls are my light.
So here i am, standing at the edge of this, so scared and so sad. I dont know if im strong enough.
My worst fear, he will deny my accusations and leave us in anger. I will be so lonely. But i guess I already am alone anyway...
thanks for listening.
I am so, so sorry to hear about this.
Fentanyl patches are something I'm, unfortunately, familiar with. My AXGF orally ingested one last year and nearly died. Those are extremely powerful things.
Please remember that someone in active addiction will use all sorts of mental gymnastics to turn things around on you. Ground yourself: you're not crazy. He's sick.
Have you considered attended Nar Anon or Al Anon? Right now, you need support that's local, and where you have a daughter, you need to protect both her and you. Please do what you need to do to protect yourself and your daughter.
ZoSo
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I'm sorry. That sounds like a really upsetting situation. I know what it is like to look for "proof," confront the addict (my RABF), and then get into screaming arguments. It is a really awful way to live. Things got better for me the more that I used things like this site, my psychiatrist, and books to refocus on my own life. I'm glad to hear that you have called your therapist. You can't control your husband, but you can make your life better.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Ahh yes! That makes sense anvilhead, and thank you both for reinforcing the excuses thing. I'm so caught up in HIS version of reality, it helps to read these incredibly logical things and go ah ha! He came to me tonight and apologized, said I shouldn't feel bad about calling the counselor to try to make things better, and that he wants things to be better too. Perhaps he's sincere, perhaps its a bit of guilt, perhaps he's sucking me back in after I told him earlier that I'm going to be taking care and working on myself for awhile. Definitely felt good to hear. I'm realizing I'm like a tiny boat and he is the ocean. He's tossing me about, letting me drift endlessly, and rocking me gently in the sun, its unpredictable and on his terms. I want to figure out a way to be ok no matter what the weather is in his life, I want to be the ocean, or maybe the sky. I gave him all my power over the years, by being afraid, and he knows my greatest fear and exploits it: that the person I love will go away and never come back. If I could face this fear I believe I could regain my power...one day at a time of course!
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Outtolunch posted the Humpty Dumpty poem... it got me thinking that Humpty is actually your AH... who is currently falling hard and you are one of the kings (wo)men, stressing yourself out mentally, physically and spiritually watching this slow and painful inevitable fall to only scramble (sorry for the pun) around and try to pick up your AH's impossible to fix cracked pieces while neglecting yourself (your soul) in the process.
Sigh. I'm so sorry you are in the midst of this crappy chaos. I was there for two years too long myself and still have gotten sucked into trying to piece my AH's fragile cracked body (and mind!) back together again. Codie relapse is NOT fun.
HOWEVER... I've got good news: The more you listen to your insides (mind and tummy), the more stronger you will be with these situations when they unfortunately come up.
My AH (we are separated) did EXACTLY many of the things you have described your AH of doing. He was verbally abusive, blackmailed me, had a porn addiction and disappeared for hours at a time (to drink/use) and didn't even care). It finally came to a head this past November (the day after I had my graphic design show that he didn't come to) where I said "I've had enough". He by this time said "Fine... I don't want to be with you anymore anyway". The lease is in my name and I wanted him OUT asap, so after giving him some $$, he signed some separation papers and was gone.
Of course, it didn't end there with his crap, but honestly, for the FIRST time, I was able to breathe and have some PEACE and QUIET! I was able to see that I was going mental with his sickness in MY space and that with it gone, I was so much better.
My AH is currently in treatment, but I don't want anything to do with him... not until the director and advisor of the recovery home (it's a govt' run place) say that he's healthy (mentally) for us to see each other. I honestly don't think he'll ever get there... but I'm not going to worry about that today because it's so nice and PEACEFUL and QUIET where I am RIGHT NOW... and I love it!!!
I promise... you will get here to, whether your AH seeks solid help or not. Just keep coming on here like you have been. There's great people here who all have been there.
Big hugs!
Sigh. I'm so sorry you are in the midst of this crappy chaos. I was there for two years too long myself and still have gotten sucked into trying to piece my AH's fragile cracked body (and mind!) back together again. Codie relapse is NOT fun.
HOWEVER... I've got good news: The more you listen to your insides (mind and tummy), the more stronger you will be with these situations when they unfortunately come up.
My AH (we are separated) did EXACTLY many of the things you have described your AH of doing. He was verbally abusive, blackmailed me, had a porn addiction and disappeared for hours at a time (to drink/use) and didn't even care). It finally came to a head this past November (the day after I had my graphic design show that he didn't come to) where I said "I've had enough". He by this time said "Fine... I don't want to be with you anymore anyway". The lease is in my name and I wanted him OUT asap, so after giving him some $$, he signed some separation papers and was gone.
Of course, it didn't end there with his crap, but honestly, for the FIRST time, I was able to breathe and have some PEACE and QUIET! I was able to see that I was going mental with his sickness in MY space and that with it gone, I was so much better.
My AH is currently in treatment, but I don't want anything to do with him... not until the director and advisor of the recovery home (it's a govt' run place) say that he's healthy (mentally) for us to see each other. I honestly don't think he'll ever get there... but I'm not going to worry about that today because it's so nice and PEACEFUL and QUIET where I am RIGHT NOW... and I love it!!!
I promise... you will get here to, whether your AH seeks solid help or not. Just keep coming on here like you have been. There's great people here who all have been there.
Big hugs!
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
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I'm with CanFixOnlyMe...
I ran around that humpty wall. I walked around it, I built ladders, layed down cushioning, kneeled, set up surveillance...I did everything I could to help my A not fall and CRACK again. But he kept climbing up on the wall, in fact did it on slippery days, refused some gear that might help and wouldn't practice his balance on the ground first.
I went through every emotion, despair, anguish, sadness, abandonment, shame (huge one), worry, rationalizing, and through all of these I learned to keep letting go more and more. There finally came a day when I had detached so much that watching the recurring crack show just gets boring. The excuses for the fall have lost their drama, the self pity of the excuse is tiring and spent.
I finally understood I could not put him together again. Let go and let a higher power.
I ran around that humpty wall. I walked around it, I built ladders, layed down cushioning, kneeled, set up surveillance...I did everything I could to help my A not fall and CRACK again. But he kept climbing up on the wall, in fact did it on slippery days, refused some gear that might help and wouldn't practice his balance on the ground first.
I went through every emotion, despair, anguish, sadness, abandonment, shame (huge one), worry, rationalizing, and through all of these I learned to keep letting go more and more. There finally came a day when I had detached so much that watching the recurring crack show just gets boring. The excuses for the fall have lost their drama, the self pity of the excuse is tiring and spent.
I finally understood I could not put him together again. Let go and let a higher power.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
Thank you for your words. Letting go is really hard, not sure I know how. I've clung to him for so long. Even before I knew he is an addict, I felt like I couldn't get enough love from him to fill up the holes inside me. He'd give me just enough to keep me hanging on. He has never loved me in a healthy way, I hate to admit it but I think he has been using me from day one. He has a lot of wonderful qualities, he appears to people to be a righteous knight in shining armor. I've kept a lot of secrets about how unhappy I have been in the relationship. We are so close, yet I feel I don't know him at all. And I'm afraid to lose him, I have a hard time with abandoning him because I know how much it hurts to be abandoned. Also I'm so embarrassed to have another relationship failing. I've felt I need him more than I've wanted him, because his love makes me hurt. So ive just pushed all that hurt down, down, down. This is gonna be hard.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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it might be hard...it might be so liberating that you almost feel guilty. we are complex emotional/mental/spiritual beings. when you accept guidance through reading, reaching out , and your form of prayer/meditation many parts of your being will be revealed.
there have been times, when I have glimpsed the freedom (from this thing I have absolutely no control over...and I say that often to remind myself) when I have felt guilty...like "was this really love?" or "was I lying about how much I loved him"...reinforced by fresh promises from him and his deep poetic odes to my romantic love
love or not, it came to a point where it just doesn't matter, I got to a point where I am just sick of having crack binges in my life. my mom used to have a saying "look what the cat dragged in" I feel like I dragged the despair, frustration, anger, shame, guilt, sadness, stress, and limitations on life...into my world, into my circle of community.
and I finally need to just let go.
I have to trust that my higher power does not want this life for me.
I have to have courage (courage means heart you know!) to believe that life can be better than this limited unhappy twisting...
I do believe in the wonderful destiny of spiritual power in my life...and I have the free will to either co-create it or get stuck in the mire with someone who refuses to grow.
after awhile, after having done some work on my own codependency, it actually becomes almost easy to let go...then comes a self-loving discipline to not go grasping after what I have let go of. it can't be love when the addict still loves their drug, it isn't anything to hold on to
peace
there have been times, when I have glimpsed the freedom (from this thing I have absolutely no control over...and I say that often to remind myself) when I have felt guilty...like "was this really love?" or "was I lying about how much I loved him"...reinforced by fresh promises from him and his deep poetic odes to my romantic love
love or not, it came to a point where it just doesn't matter, I got to a point where I am just sick of having crack binges in my life. my mom used to have a saying "look what the cat dragged in" I feel like I dragged the despair, frustration, anger, shame, guilt, sadness, stress, and limitations on life...into my world, into my circle of community.
and I finally need to just let go.
I have to trust that my higher power does not want this life for me.
I have to have courage (courage means heart you know!) to believe that life can be better than this limited unhappy twisting...
I do believe in the wonderful destiny of spiritual power in my life...and I have the free will to either co-create it or get stuck in the mire with someone who refuses to grow.
after awhile, after having done some work on my own codependency, it actually becomes almost easy to let go...then comes a self-loving discipline to not go grasping after what I have let go of. it can't be love when the addict still loves their drug, it isn't anything to hold on to
peace
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Originally Posted by becky1982
We are so close, yet I feel I don't know him at all. And I'm afraid to lose him, I have a hard time with abandoning him because I know how much it hurts to be abandoned. Also I'm so embarrassed to have another relationship failing. I've felt I need him more than I've wanted him, because his love makes me hurt. So ive just pushed all that hurt down, down, down. This is gonna be hard.
Decisions made to avoid lonliness often do not turn out as expected.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
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I had given up my daughter for adoption when I was 16, my family moved the same year so I left all my friends behind, and my mom hated me for the pain I caused with the adoption...so I lost her too. (pretty lonely time that got frozen deep in my subconscious in order for me to survive the sorrow)
In the work I have done around my OWN issues of abandonment I have discovered parts of the reasons why I have had such a hard time letting go of "love"...go figure!
hope this E,S & H helps!
In the work I have done around my OWN issues of abandonment I have discovered parts of the reasons why I have had such a hard time letting go of "love"...go figure!
hope this E,S & H helps!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I understand that fear of abandonment that you feel. I had an absent alcoholic father, and an addict mother. So, I have a history of clinging on to men. Things can get better for you You are a strong woman. If you think about it, you've probably spent the years with him propping up both of you. So, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. That's one thing that I realized about myself.
This is one of those things where you can work on yourself one day at a time. What can you do today for yourself? How can you make your situation stronger? Do you have your account separate from him? Do you have money set aside? It is understandable that you are scared, but many people on this board have done this and they felt the same way as you. Hang in there!!
This is one of those things where you can work on yourself one day at a time. What can you do today for yourself? How can you make your situation stronger? Do you have your account separate from him? Do you have money set aside? It is understandable that you are scared, but many people on this board have done this and they felt the same way as you. Hang in there!!
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
bluebelle- I think you are right, about me being stronger than i give credit for. He has no access to the family finances anymore. Last night he went to great lengths to try to get me to give him $60. He had an elaborate story that involved him being able to make $650 that he would then give me. I didnt fall for it. Unfortunately his mother did, only now he "lost" the money, so he doesnt have to be accountable for doing the thing he said he was going to do. He seemed straight last night, bet he'll be high tonight. He lied to me, and it was very clear that it was all a charade. It makes me sick. He was being all super sweet, and sighing a lot, saying how he is so stressed, trying to play on my sympathy. Thank god I didnt fall for it.
I read today in "the language of letting go"--"Boundaries emerge from deep within, They are connected to letting go of guilt and shame, and to changing our beliefs about what we deserve. As our thinking about this becomes clearer, so will our boundaries."
I deserve better. I deserve a husband I can trust who doesnt use me for money. I deserve to feel safe in my home...
I read today in "the language of letting go"--"Boundaries emerge from deep within, They are connected to letting go of guilt and shame, and to changing our beliefs about what we deserve. As our thinking about this becomes clearer, so will our boundaries."
I deserve better. I deserve a husband I can trust who doesnt use me for money. I deserve to feel safe in my home...
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inpieces314, Thank you for your post, my xah left after a year sobriety and 4 months of ME going to al-anon, I stopped enabeling and playing his games, I guess he felt off love with me, we divorced and he drank again, I've been wondering why? why? Sobriety should be "my fairy tale come true" but instead he left and now he is dating younger women. He is finding some else to play his game with him. I am glad is not me but I do feel sorry for the poor soul that is going to fall into his trap.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
Just went to see my therapist. This is the third time I've seen her, the first two times were last summer, before I knew about the addiction but when things in my marriage didn't feel right and I was very lonely. Well, today I walked in there and saw on the table "the language of letting go", I knew I was exactly where I need to be!
I dont know what will happen with my AH or my marriage yet, but I can say with absolute certainty that I WILL BE OK!! I will have a good life and be happy, that's my plan.
I dont know what will happen with my AH or my marriage yet, but I can say with absolute certainty that I WILL BE OK!! I will have a good life and be happy, that's my plan.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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I love it when things happen like that! Sign posts on the path that you are heading in the right direction. Somehow those signposts help me let go of the destination and be present in the journey. peace to you!
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