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Need someone to talk to that understands..

Old 02-27-2012, 10:32 PM
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Need someone to talk to that understands..

Well..Where should i start.


I am the Daughter, sister, and neice of active and recovering drug addicts and alcoholics. So this hits pretty close to home for me and its very hard for me to deal with.

Me and my boyfriend of 38 months are young and in love and we have been for the majority of our relationship. He is my best friend and my soul mate. We plan on getting engaged soon. I would do anything for him. but recently, ive been feeling like everything is my fault and I am not good enough.

A few months ago i found Codine in my boyfriends cigarette box. He cried about it and I got so angry. He swore to me that he was going to stop and he hated doing it. I told him that if i found out he was still using, i would end it. Maybe a month later, after forcing it out of him, i found out he never stopped. Stupid me, believed it when he said he never stopped. I stayed with him, hoping he would change for me.

Last Tuesday, he called me telling me he never stopped and he was getting help. He was going to go to an In-patient treatment center but they ended up not being able to accept his insurance. So now he is going to PACE, an out-treatment program.
He is now living with his aunt and uncle. His uncle is helping him through this being that he himself has been sober for 8 years which makes me very happy that he is at a safe place and it makes me hopeful that he will get better soon.

I found out he has been abusing drugs for the past two years. He also told me he has been snorting heroin for two months. Although i am proud of him for getting the help he desperatly needs, I cant help but feel like he doesnt love me. I feel like if he cared for me at all, this would have never happened. Everytime i think about what he has been doing to himself, i break down and cry. I think about it all the time.


Im scared for what is going to happen when he gets back to work. He used to go to his "friends" house during lunch because he lives five minutes away from where he works. My trust issues are worse then ever, my gaurd is up, and i am so sad for what he was and is still going through. It makes me sick to my stomach.


I need advice. BIG TIME. I cant keep beating myself up. =/
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Old 02-27-2012, 10:58 PM
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(((mebesusan))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.

I'm a recovering addict (RA) who turned to drugs to deal with all the A's (addicts/alcoholics) - not a smart move.

When I first came here, I read around a lot..found out we aren't alone, realized that not only is recovery not an instant cure (whether as the A or the loved one) but it takes work and support from people who "get" addiction and codependency.

Make yourself at home, stop beating yourself up (been there, done that, it doesn't help at all), and keep reading and posting, as we do care.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 02-28-2012, 06:10 AM
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It's not that your boyfriend doesn't love you, but rather that the addiction is more powerful than anything in the world to him--even you. He first and foremost must want to quit for himself. Any other reason wont hold up. His getting help now is a good sign, but you must realize that you can't do this for him or wish it away. It will be very hard work on his part. Start working on yourself. Learn all you can about addiction and how we loved ones play in to the addiction. If you intend to stay with your boyfriend, after his detox and recovery, you must learn what an enabler is and stay as far away from enabling as you can. Enabling only makes the problem worse. Trust me--we've been there and done that and it doesn't work.
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Old 02-28-2012, 09:00 AM
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whatever you do...my advice is that you do not put your heart in the ring against the addiction. do not put your love in the scales and weigh it against the addiction. do not question in your mind whether he loves you or the addiction more.

it is a separate issue.

he may not love himself enough to love you as much as you thought he did. addiction pulls a persons spirit down into the depths and there is not a whole lot of room for love there. it is a huge struggle to love one's self when there is the monster of addiction in taking up all that space in a persons spirit. but that does not necessarily mean that the addict does not love you in their own way

is the limited love, due to the giant of addiction, enough for YOU?

the other issue is this...if you are enabling an addict's habit it will be even tougher to feel truth in love...active addiction demands so much, are you supplying money? shelter? protecting the addict from the consequences of not living without addiction?

since his use was hidden you may not have been aware that you were helping fuel his use by providing basic necessities? if you were, or if you are...then there is a further mistrust of "love" with an addict. sometimes, yes, a co-dependent does get used, simply put, used for money, shelter, a "hiding place" refuge from the horrible consequences of use.

your only job...is going to be to start taking care of you.
you can not, can not, help the addict lose their addiction
but also...do not under any circumstances enable the addiction...

read everything you can find here.
you are going to be okay!!!
you are going to find support and insight and understanding and love

you are not alone.

everything in this very moment is just as it should be. you needed to know the truth, and now you are starting upon a journey of growth...it may not be easy, but if you keep reaching out for help and being honest it WILL get better!!
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Old 02-28-2012, 09:18 AM
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"But recently I have been feeling like everything is my fault and I am not good enough."

Susan, those words are normal. The first effect on us from a loved one's addiction is to make us feel unlovable and damaged.

I know it is difficult to understand, but that is how you know his addiction is making you sick. Because just as the addict begins to hate himself in his drug use, we begin to hate ourselves in response.

Drug addicts withdraw. They often physically disappear for long periods, but when they are with us they also are emotionally distant. And we feel it. Our intuition feels the distance between the addict and us. And it really hurts to be with someone who says he loves us but we feel that hollow space between us.

Addicts are, every minute of the day, mentally preoccupied with the drug. They think about it ALL THE TIME.

So when we are with them, we feel this ache inside us from loneliness.

The best thing for now for you is to start your personal recovery from addicts in your life.

You can google the name of your town and "Al-Anon" or "Nar-Anon" or "Codependents Anonymous" and you can begin your own recovery program.

Why is this needed? Because it is not likely your boyfriend will stay clean without the help of a support group. If he chooses recovery, he will need a support group.

And as his partner, you will need your own support group. Every addiction doctor will tell you that and it is true.

So while you are waiting to see what the future brings, today you can take action and start recovery. You will learn about how addiction has hurt your family and you. You will learn what to do if you are married to an addict and what not to do.

All you have to do is go to meetings and listen.

I hope you both find the help you need and make healthy lives. I hope the feelings of shame and guilt in you today are washed away by your own recovery from the effects of someone else's addiction. What you are thinking about yourself is simply not true. It is his addiction working on you.
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Old 02-28-2012, 09:23 AM
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I am kind of struggling with the same thing myself. I understand what addiction is, I grew up around it, I was stupid enough to fall in love with an addict, but then again, who I loved then and who I am with now are definitely not the same person. He looks the same, but he's not. And it helps me knowing that he knows that he is falling apart. He knows that he is not the same person right now. He doesn't even like himself, so it helps when he says all that manipulative stuff to me.

Anyway. I am learning that addicts really do live in their own delusional world. And they can sit there all day and say they need help, but it's one thing to talk and another to actually do it. I used to think like you-if he loved me, he would stop. But really, it is a totally separate thing now. I do think he loves me somewhere VERY deep inside, I do think he knows that he has lost me, maybe forever this time, I do think he does want to change. But it's not enough. Addicts have to actually want to stop drinking or drugging or whatever. They have to think that is their only choice to change, or else.

Every bottom is different for every addict. You see addicts who lose everything and they still don't care. You see addicts who stop for no good reason (that was me-I never hit a bottom, I just woke up and said I didn't want to do it anymore, and I haven't since). It's different for everyone. But you can't go down with him.

And if you said you are going to leave him, do it. It doesn't have to be forever, but he needs to change, because his current behavior is not acceptable to you. You have to focus on yourself, or you will be just as bad mentally as he is. TRUST ME.
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Old 02-28-2012, 09:52 AM
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inpeieces- you were not "stupid" to fall in love with an addict. its what you grew up knowing, its your general environment from growing up that taught you to love addicts. That is no fault of your own.

susan, there are many layers of lies your bf has been telling you. Im glad he is getting help, but the roller coaster is not over. not for a long shot. you should try to hit up some type of meeting. set personal boundaries, and work on yourself, while he's working on himself. when he gets out, dont jump into anything. it will be very overwhelming for you and him.

the emptiness and lonlieness are normal, but if the cycle continues, it will turn into bitterness and hatred, and there is nothing worse than being someone that you know you are not! you will mull over all the time you wasted with someone who could potentially chose drugs over your love for them...i mean the list goes on and on..

work on yourself darling. It was SO HARD for me to figure this out, but when I did, I felt AMAZING! I didn't need someone to make me feel good or whole or even loved. Bless your heart, prayers and hugs for you and everyone else who is struggling today and everyday <3
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Old 02-28-2012, 10:14 AM
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Originally Posted by mebesusan View Post
Well..Where should i start.


I am the Daughter, sister, and neice of active and recovering drug addicts and alcoholics.
When you add girlfriend to that list, you have a lot of unhealthy learned thoughts and behaviors in your life to recover from. It's so insidious! Please consider finding a 12 step recovery group for you, maybe a therapist who specializes in addiction, too. Learn about self care and become self aware. Your life and the quality of it, depends on you doing that for you.

If nothing else, look around the 12 step forum in this part of the board, and the ACOA forum.

You reaching out for help is the start of a balanced, healthy life
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Old 02-28-2012, 10:57 AM
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Susan, you have found a good place here. There's not much I can add to what everyone else has said as you've been given some very good advice. Only thing though, with an addict, their actual use is about 5 to 10 times more than what you actually know about. You said you grew up in a family of addicts. Think of how you felt as a child, and think if you want to have children with this man and allow them to live through how you lived as a child. I know how it is, my father was/is an addict/alcoholic, and now I have a 26 year old son who injects. Right now you have a choice. Please come back on here, and find a meeting that fits your needs.

Hugs to you, and God bless you.
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Old 02-28-2012, 11:45 AM
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Originally Posted by mebesusan View Post

I told him that if i found out he was still using, i would end it.

A boundary begins with an " I will / willnot..." statement. An attempt to control someone usually begins with " You will/ will not... or else..."

You attempted to control him. It did not work because we have no control over other people.


I found out he has been abusing drugs for the past two years. He also told me he has been snorting heroin for two months.

Addiction demands the addict protect and sustain it. Addicts lie. He has likely been at this all along if not longer.

I feel like if he cared for me at all, this would have never happened. Everytime i think about what he has been doing to himself, i break down and cry. I think about it all the time.
He did not use drugs at you. It's not personal. It just feels that way, right now. If love could cure addiction, none of us would be here.

Sounds like you want reassurances that he will become the guy you wanted him to be which is not the person he is. He will battle addiction for the rest of his life and be at risk for relapse. And it has nothing to do with you. Recovery is 100% an inside job.

From my own experience with my daughter's addiction I eventually decided I could not live with anyone in active addiction or early recovery. I could not imagine trying to sustain a relationship with someone who broke trust this way. This is my boundary because I value myself enough to choose the people I allow into my life and avoid the chaos and drama of addiction.

I do not have control over other people.I work hard at controlling the only thing I can, my reactions.
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Old 02-28-2012, 12:24 PM
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Throw away everything you thought you knew about addiction and keep talking to people who have experienced it for real, such as people at this board or Al-anon/ Nar-anon meetings. That is all you can do. I wish I could give you a quick fix, but we are all so powerless over addiction, there simply is no way to make it go away. It will get better over time if you take steps to stop enabling and take care of yourself. Hang in there, you'll make it!
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Old 02-28-2012, 02:03 PM
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I used to think that way about my dad, if he loved me, he would stop drinking and doing drugs, but he never did until it killed him when I was 21. I came to understand that it wasn’t that he didn’t love me, his addiction was strong and the most important thing in his life. I think you can probably understand this coming from a family of addicts. BE VERY CAREFUL, you are primed to be a codependent because of your past. You are probably a caring, tolerant and understanding person- many children of addicts are! Please do not re-live your childhood by being around an addict.
38 months is not a long time. I question whether this is really your “soul mate?” I am not trying to be harsh, but I hate to see someone in your situation set themselves up for a future full of trauma. Plus, if he has been using for a couple years, do you really know the real person? Remember also, that drugs addicts lie, and he may have been doing more drugs and for a longer time then he admits.
Think about the future and the chance of relapse as well.

Hugs girl, and take care of yourself first and foremost 
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Old 02-28-2012, 03:31 PM
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I have a friend at work whose husband is an alcoholic. They have been together for 25 years.

I complain about my ABF and she says, "Don't be like me. Leave him."

It scares me. Yeah, she loves him and all that, but she knows she should have left him, and didn't. She knows they never should have gotten married. It is a scary thing when you hear someone say something like that to you.
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Old 02-28-2012, 04:20 PM
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((Susan)) Sounds like you have lived with enough addicts in your life. Maybe it's time to let go of them and focus on you while you are able. Wish I had a magic answer, but I don't. I do know that his addiction has nothing to do with you. It's separate and apart and he cannot be the kind of mate you desire if he is an addict. I pray you get counsel and work on a new and wonderful life for yourself.
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Old 02-29-2012, 12:57 PM
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Thank you to everyone who gave me advice. It helps to know that there are people out there going through the same things. I consider myself lucky in a way for it not being any worse then what it is. I'm starting to realize that he does love me more then what I think and he is putting in an effort because if he didnt he wouldnt be sober for seven days now and he wouldnt have went in an great rehab facility today. I know i need some sort of counseling because if I dont get it, I will be sad and resentful the rest of my life and that is not what i want at all.

For those of you who asked or commented about it, I did not enable him. I never gave him money or a place to stay. He has a job and now I know where all his paycheck went. He always told me he had "bills" every week. and I was stupid enough to believe him.

I hope this helps him and everything will calm down. His uncle says he is doing better then most people he has tried to help. So i am hoping that is a good sign.
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Old 02-29-2012, 04:03 PM
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It's good you will get some supportive counseling for you! Whatever challenges you face with your abf, you can bring them to SR and a good counselor and to a 12 step group for codependents. You have a lot ahead of you, and as we all know, the more we surround ourselves with people trying to live healthy lives, the better we feel, too.

I hope your abf does well in rehab. You can concentrate on you right now!
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