Still Confused and Wondering...Long Post Warning!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: California
Posts: 99
"i guess I cant accept the lies.. "
What if he unloaded the truth?
My AH did this recently.
Ive been begging for the truth and finally got it.
The truth included things like he dated a high priced escort and drove her to appointments during a period we were casually dating. That he used her for drugs and sex.
Im struggling with accepting this.
Like you I know and love his core.
Ive heard that part of recovery is honesty. I wish I had decided, prior to the honesty, what I would and would not accept
What if he unloaded the truth?
My AH did this recently.
Ive been begging for the truth and finally got it.
The truth included things like he dated a high priced escort and drove her to appointments during a period we were casually dating. That he used her for drugs and sex.
Im struggling with accepting this.
Like you I know and love his core.
Ive heard that part of recovery is honesty. I wish I had decided, prior to the honesty, what I would and would not accept
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
yes, the key is honesty.
sometimes we choose not to be entirely honest with everyone...or rather our sponsor helps us decide, because in our endeavor to be in recovery through such honesty we decide whether or not that honesty hurts someone else. we need to be entirely honest with someone, and sometimes that someone is just our sponsor
i guess his honesty with you is like this; you are at a turning point in your relationship and making decisions about how to proceed. he could have told his sponsor and decided to try to move forward without you knowing, but for his own reasons he decided to do some full disclosure. maybe he can't move forward without the truth known between you and maybe you can't move forward with him knowing it.
let his truth be...and witness it, take your time to see how you feel about it. the pill he delivered is a hard one to swallow, very bitter. don't know if I could do it, but i think the behavior comes as no surprise with the addiction
there is plenty that i do not share about my past, and plenty I don't even know about due to blackouts. in recovery we do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it...it reminds us where we have been and tells us stories of our hurt and pain that we are trying to recover from.
not everyone needs to know your whole story.
there is some reason why he decided to tell you
now you know
to accept or not to accept
for your heart and mind and conscience and spirit to decide.
it is your life
praying
sometimes we choose not to be entirely honest with everyone...or rather our sponsor helps us decide, because in our endeavor to be in recovery through such honesty we decide whether or not that honesty hurts someone else. we need to be entirely honest with someone, and sometimes that someone is just our sponsor
i guess his honesty with you is like this; you are at a turning point in your relationship and making decisions about how to proceed. he could have told his sponsor and decided to try to move forward without you knowing, but for his own reasons he decided to do some full disclosure. maybe he can't move forward without the truth known between you and maybe you can't move forward with him knowing it.
let his truth be...and witness it, take your time to see how you feel about it. the pill he delivered is a hard one to swallow, very bitter. don't know if I could do it, but i think the behavior comes as no surprise with the addiction
there is plenty that i do not share about my past, and plenty I don't even know about due to blackouts. in recovery we do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it...it reminds us where we have been and tells us stories of our hurt and pain that we are trying to recover from.
not everyone needs to know your whole story.
there is some reason why he decided to tell you
now you know
to accept or not to accept
for your heart and mind and conscience and spirit to decide.
it is your life
praying
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
ok all i want to add is this, because a person has the disease of addiction I believe that there love for the people they love is no less than non addicts, what makes there love any less?, yes they might hurt us with lies to cover and use and eveything that goes along with addiction, but that is the curse of addiction i think.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
i have been trying to stay away from anything addiction related and spend time with family, but that does not make the problem go away, but it has been a nice break. i probably cannot add anything here, except that i understand both sides, all sides. i think that makes it hard to make decisions. back to the original post, i understand 'fantasy' and wanting things to work, seeing the side of the addict that keeps us involved. then there is the other side. the side that says basically that so long as they are active, there is using, lies, and everything that goes with addiction. so where does that leave us? it leaves some of us constantly riding the sea of limbo with ups and downs, clam waters and storms. just like a buoy. it leads some to make a choice, to say i have had enough and i am making this boundary or that. some enforce those boundaries others dont.
i recently saw a documentary about vietnam. a soldier was severely wounded and there was little chance of survival, he wanted someone to 'take the shot' several soldiers were were asked what they would do, and there were a variety of answers. there was no judgment of what was right or wrong, just what would YOU do. it made me think about this subject. it may not be a perfect analogy (or is this metaphor?) but it illustrates that sometimes there is no real answer.
the good thing about this board is that we get a chance to read others experience and perhaps use that in our decisions.
leslie, i think sometimes we make a hard decision we feel good about, but after time another reality sets in along with confusion. at least it works that way for me sometimes. some of us are better at seeing things black and white, then others have too much grey. i really with there was an answer to all of this. for some there is, they go no contact, or they set a boundary. some of us are, for better or worse, able or willing to stay where we are.
wherever you are is where you are at. and you can assess the situation and pull up a chair and relax there, or you can pack an over night bag to day trip or pack your luggage to move far away. but wherever your are and whatever you do at the moment does not dictate that is the end all. change is always possible.
i think i just rambled, sorry for that.
i recently saw a documentary about vietnam. a soldier was severely wounded and there was little chance of survival, he wanted someone to 'take the shot' several soldiers were were asked what they would do, and there were a variety of answers. there was no judgment of what was right or wrong, just what would YOU do. it made me think about this subject. it may not be a perfect analogy (or is this metaphor?) but it illustrates that sometimes there is no real answer.
the good thing about this board is that we get a chance to read others experience and perhaps use that in our decisions.
leslie, i think sometimes we make a hard decision we feel good about, but after time another reality sets in along with confusion. at least it works that way for me sometimes. some of us are better at seeing things black and white, then others have too much grey. i really with there was an answer to all of this. for some there is, they go no contact, or they set a boundary. some of us are, for better or worse, able or willing to stay where we are.
wherever you are is where you are at. and you can assess the situation and pull up a chair and relax there, or you can pack an over night bag to day trip or pack your luggage to move far away. but wherever your are and whatever you do at the moment does not dictate that is the end all. change is always possible.
i think i just rambled, sorry for that.
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