butterfligh

My son is 21 today and we are not speaking. He is living in an SLE about 20 minutes away and working part time (3/days a week). He finished rehab in July (this was his third time) for heroin/Oxycontin addiction. He supposedly has been looking for a second job but has not gotten one yet. He graduated from high school 2.5 years ago. Briefly went to community college and dropped out. This is his first "real" job and he has had it since July.

Since August he has been living in an SLE my ex husband and I are paying for. He has been going to meetings and has a sponsor. He has relapsed twice. In October I discovered he had stolen my credit card and made a number of charges on it and also stole cash from my wallet. He tested dirty for opiates and had to leave the SLE and be readmitted at a cost of $200.

My mother recently came to stay with me for the winter. She is 81 years old. After my son was here for dinner, the next morning, my Mom couldn't find her credit card. She called the bank and there were charges from local stores on it. He also took $100 bill from her wallet. I am so disgusted with him. I gave a heads up to the SLE manager to test him but his test came out clean. He probably cheated somehow.

I am trying very hard to detach...I know I have done everything I could to help him. We have always been very close (he's my only child) and I know he has been able to manipulate me emotionally. He is charming, funny, and helpful...and he can also be cunning, shifty, and dishonest. I am so disappointed in him. I do not want to communicate with him. So instead of the special birthday dinner and cake we had planned, my Mom and I are going out to eat by ourselves.

Just curious...do you think my ex and I should stop paying for the sober living house? He has no where else to go, and neither us of want him to live with us. He is not making enough money to live on his own...but will he ever be motivated to change his circumstances if we keep paying for his room? He could live in his car, I suppose. Where do I go from here? Stealing from his grandmother is an all-time low for him.

Thanks for your suggestions...S.

Impurrfect

(((Butterfligh))) - Welcome to SR! FWIW, I'm both a recovering addict and a recovering codependent with loved ones that are addicts.

Personally? I think you've paid enough. We addicts are very resourceful...we can find what we want when we want it...good and bad. I didn't even begin to seek recovery until I got sick and tired of all the consequences that were piling up on me. My family gave me the dignity to dig a really deep hole, find my bottom, and figure a way to get back out of the whole. I will always be grateful for that.

I know it's not an easy decision, but if you read around, you'll find several others have been, or are going through similar situations.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

dollydo

I agree with Impurrfect, enough already.

If he truely wants recovery, he will find it on his own, the Salvation Army offers a program and it's free.

Take the time to read all the stickies at the top of this forum and others posts, lots of knowledge at your fingertips.

Until you stop enabling him and allow him to fall to his knees, he will never ever attempt to
get back up and embrace recovery...not my rules, just how it works.

We are here for you, keep posting, it will help.

OwlFeathers

********{butterfligh}}}} my heart goes out to you. I agree with the two replies above. It doesn't sound like he is into his recovery and is just using the SLE as a place to rest. It really sucks, please know your not alone.
Much love to you

Ilovemysonjj

Hello and welcome. I have a 21 year old who stole every single piece of gold of ours and hawked them all for heroin. Once I found out ( this would be the second time we let him back home after relapsing and being homeless) that he had LIED to me, STOLEN from everyone in our HOME and my MOTHER as well, I lost it and called the cops. He ended up in jail and spent over 4 months there. I love him and support his recovery efforts now (he is at 35 days in residential rehab for mandatory treatment.) I am NOT paying for this, his social aid is (food stamps and State disability). We are NOT alllowing him to move back home. What he is facing is that he is responsible for HIS choices and his life. I truly hope and pray he one day will understand his actions and what they did to us. For now, we are detaching and he is doing better than I ever hoped he could. IMHO, you might consider not paying for the Sober living. I dont think the A's will ever appreciate anything they didnt have to choose for themselves. Sending best thoughts and support your way as another Mom dealing with this stuff.
Teresa

laurie6781

I M H O not only should you and ex STOP paying immediately, the theft should be reported to the police, just as Ilovemysonjj did.

Those are the consequences of HIS actions.

As far as him not having a place to stay, there are several homeless shelters in SF area, A Salvation Army, A Gospel Rescue Mission, and don't kid yourself your son is an A and he is resourceful and will survive.

Are you getting help for YOU? You have been through the 'wringer' and now it is time for YOU to start healing.

Check out all the 'stickys' at the top of this forum, read some of the threads, and you will see you are far from being alone.

I am glad you found us but sorry for the reason you had to.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

lesliej

I just finally let go of my beloved ex ABF. I finally saw the ways that I was enabling him that were WAY under the radar...I never financially supported him and he didn't steal from me... but my repetitive taking him back and believing his lies and holding out hope for him while he barely worked a program... all minimized his use, his disease, his progression.

Now that he is out there I know from my perspective, from someone who wanted to marry him, that it is REALLY frustrating to know the myriad ways in which he is enabled by his "stable" including his family members...they have sent him through numerous treatments, helped him financially over and over and over, gave him a sportscar...trips...etc etc.

Now his sister pays his cell phone bill and car insurance.
He has two kids he doesn't pay a dime for.
He lives in and out of sober houses and treatments because he uses them to survive.

He is 49 years old.

I could want to just scream at his family STOP F'N ENABLING HIM! I won't do it because I am working a program of my own serenity now and realize I am powerless not over his addiction but over the actions of all the enablers that surround him.

He is 49 years old and these behaviors are deeply rutted grooves that go back to when he was in his 20s.

I would vote STOP paying for him. He lost my vote for SLE payment priveleges when he stole from you. When he stole from your 81 year old mother I vote call the police. He is a danger and a threat to some old woman walking down the street. If you won't protect yourself please protect others.

outtolunch

We teach others how to treat us. Thus far you have taught him it's OK to skate bye in a part time job cause you will pay his living expenses and that it's OK to steal from you and your mom.

No reason to have a thief in your house, is there?
No reason to support an able-bodied man, is there?

Give him the gift of dignity to experience the consequences of his choices and behaviors.

butterfligh

Thanks to all of you who responded...your thoughtful words and experience helped me so much.

December2011

I do not think you should keep paying. Why should he work more then part time if he doesn't have to. he is steling from you and your mom, and you continue to pay his way-- stop it! I mean lets face it, any person in thier right mind would not steal from thier grandma, and he stole while you were helping him pay his rent.

...and you should also report him to the police for the theft. He is using if he is stealing.

From the mom of a 24 year olld addict son, I know what you are going through

Hugs

butterfligh

Update...he has been kicked out of the sober living house.

We are still not in contact and I hope he doesn't get in touch...but I'm sure when things get really tough for him, he will...but I have my responses ready, thanks to all of you and your suggestions/experience.

I'm so grateful I found this forum...it is helpful beyond measure to know that others are going through this too.

Ann

I can't add much to what has already been said, but wanted to send hugs and tell you that I have been where you are and it's not a happy place. Birthdays and holidays are the hardest.

I agree with all of the above. If I had it to do over again I would have charged my son when he stole from us. I was afraid to let go, but I was more afraid to hang on because it just kept getting worse and worse and I was just going down with him.

Meetings helped me find my balance and learn to live in a healthier way.

Hugs from one mama to another.

litehorse

my response was going to be that if you continued to pay for the SLE and he stayed there continuing what he was doing then it was not only not working for him but it was compromising the others who were there trying to work their programs - but he's out of that now because of his own choices - i agree with everyone else that let him feel the consequences of his choices - one thing i was slow to acknowledge was how resourceful addicts can be - they will do what they want to do - continue using or seek help - it's all up to them - as a mom i would have to let him know i love him but until he is ready to do what is best for him then i cannot support anything he does - blessings to you

ownedbypugs

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, and hugs to you.

hope213

i am glad u r with us. i was going to tell u to quit paying the sober house. if he is stealing from your mother he is not clean. he will find a place to stay or he will find another way to get clean if he really wants too. hugs & prayers for you. i know this is hard.

butterfligh

Just an update...I feel that I have come SO FAR emotionally since the day I wrote the original post. I've heard the expression "the scales fell from my eyes" and that is like what happened...I realized the part I was playing in my son's addiction...and it wasn't healthy -- or helping. For the first few days I was in a daze, as the acceptance of the truth sunk in -- the truth that there is nothing I or anyone can do to help my AS, until HE wants to help HIMSELF.

I told you he was kicked out of the SLE. Now I hear he is close to being fired from his job. A speeding ticket and a running a red light ticket have shown up in my mail (neither of which I'm going to pay - I would have done so before). He used a friend's address to apply for a credit card. (Good luck to the bank that gives him a credit card!)

I am not actively trying to find out what's going on with him. These are just bits and pieces that have come my way. Addiction is a progressive disease that always gets worse. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion...while he is leading his life, I'm leading mine...I come to this forum every day, I am going to meetings, I'm reading, and I'm even starting to meditate. I'm really trying.

THANK YOU to everyone on here for sharing your stories, your advice, and your support!!

TiredandSpent

I'm sorry, your story is very similar to mine. My son turns 22 next week and I made him homeless last Monday.

This is so horrible for everyone concerned. But what can you do but let them live the life they make for themselves?

Lots of hugs for you and your mother.

Ilovemysonjj

All in with the same story. This site is my rock of Gibraltar knowing I am not alone, many other Mothers who make these difficult but necessary decisions not only for our own sanity, but to give our child the chance to make their own way.
Peace and joy to you all for the Holiday season.
Hugs
Teresa