Codie looking for wisdom!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Codie looking for wisdom!
Deciding to write this is hard,but I gave myself a deadline of the winter solstice to decide.As I know how much wisdom is contained by the best forum I have come across (SR ) .....I promise to abide by the advice given.
Long time acquaintance fell into oxy in 2008.Her husband put her through rehab once.She relapsed after a family stressor and has been living with a 'friend' for over a year(violent felon) as his 'dog','housecleaner','slave',whatever. I have been funneling $ to her,filling her gas tank,and giving her moral support for more than 2 years now....zero improvement.
Her latest lies are that she 'got a place' ( wanted $)......but I had to drop the
$ at "Jays" place 'cuz she was helping him with his boat.
I am not as dumb as I must sound.You would be amazed at how high my
position is in this society. I just got addicted to ' rescuing'
This person and need to be told straight up it's time to dump this person and
Go ' no contact' forever.She ruined my 2009,2010,and 2011.
Her daughter and son hate her,she has a restraining order to keep way from her former husband ( which she has done jail time for as she repeatedly violates it)
I am asking for help.I have not told anyone about this.It has cost me more
Than 10,000 dollars,and my peace of mind.None of you know me personally,
So I know I can trust the advice you give me.......and will abide by it.
Would somebody just straight up tell me what I NEED to hear!?!?!
Vale
San Francisco
Long time acquaintance fell into oxy in 2008.Her husband put her through rehab once.She relapsed after a family stressor and has been living with a 'friend' for over a year(violent felon) as his 'dog','housecleaner','slave',whatever. I have been funneling $ to her,filling her gas tank,and giving her moral support for more than 2 years now....zero improvement.
Her latest lies are that she 'got a place' ( wanted $)......but I had to drop the
$ at "Jays" place 'cuz she was helping him with his boat.
I am not as dumb as I must sound.You would be amazed at how high my
position is in this society. I just got addicted to ' rescuing'
This person and need to be told straight up it's time to dump this person and
Go ' no contact' forever.She ruined my 2009,2010,and 2011.
Her daughter and son hate her,she has a restraining order to keep way from her former husband ( which she has done jail time for as she repeatedly violates it)
I am asking for help.I have not told anyone about this.It has cost me more
Than 10,000 dollars,and my peace of mind.None of you know me personally,
So I know I can trust the advice you give me.......and will abide by it.
Would somebody just straight up tell me what I NEED to hear!?!?!
Vale
San Francisco
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
HI Vale,
There will be, no doubt, a lot of us experienced Codies (30+ yrs) who can tell you that this is a dead end street.
The answer is so simple, yet hard to do. Walk away, NOW. All of your money, time, love, devotion, begging, pleading, screaming, kicking, niceness...none of it will make a difference! In fact, it only compounds the problem. You cannot make choices for your friend, only yourself.
Your friend needs professional help, which I myself thought I could render to all my loved ones who were sick with this disease. If you continue in the enabling, you may need professional help too (nothing wrong with that).
Read, go to meetings and reach out for support. This site was my first reaching out for support. I had a lot to sort through and still do. For me, it reverses the brainwashing I did to myself to live in the chaos.
Big huggs and take care of yourself,
Hope
There will be, no doubt, a lot of us experienced Codies (30+ yrs) who can tell you that this is a dead end street.
The answer is so simple, yet hard to do. Walk away, NOW. All of your money, time, love, devotion, begging, pleading, screaming, kicking, niceness...none of it will make a difference! In fact, it only compounds the problem. You cannot make choices for your friend, only yourself.
Your friend needs professional help, which I myself thought I could render to all my loved ones who were sick with this disease. If you continue in the enabling, you may need professional help too (nothing wrong with that).
Read, go to meetings and reach out for support. This site was my first reaching out for support. I had a lot to sort through and still do. For me, it reverses the brainwashing I did to myself to live in the chaos.
Big huggs and take care of yourself,
Hope
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
We codependents are as addicted to helping/rescuing/fixing other people as addicts are to their dope. While substances rewire the brain to protect and sustain addiction, codependency is an internal job.
The addict in my life is my adult daughter. I nearly bankrupted myself financially, physically and emotionally trying to beat her addiction. My ability to beat her addiction became entwined with my own self worth. I deluded myself into thinking I could snap her out of it.
I thought rehab/treatment was going to fix my daughter. I used every bit of leverage I had to manipulate my daughter into 3 back to back rehabs. She relapsed within hours of returning home, to my home. She was not done.
No one rationalizes their behaviors more than a codependent. While anger is often the emotion that fuels letting go, there is no need to make it a big ole drama with the kicking the addict to the curb stuff. That's the sort of thinking that keeps us attached to outcomes we don't control.
Taking responsibility for ourselves means acknowledging that we allowed .....not the same thing as pulling the victim card and sustaining a belief that we were manipulated into rescuing.
Your own choices ruined 2009-11 and for now it has cost you your peace of mind. Your choices will determine 2012 and your future peace of mind.
" No" is a complete sentence. " No because..." opens the door to negotiations. Going no contact is not the same thing as no longer caring about the person. No contact preserves your sanity and accepts that you have no control over your friend. No contact means no contact, including social media and texting.
You can get off this roller coaster any time you want to do so. That's 100% in your control.
Therapy can help you maintain your boundaries and control your own reactions and impulses to preserve your sanity.
The addict in my life is my adult daughter. I nearly bankrupted myself financially, physically and emotionally trying to beat her addiction. My ability to beat her addiction became entwined with my own self worth. I deluded myself into thinking I could snap her out of it.
I thought rehab/treatment was going to fix my daughter. I used every bit of leverage I had to manipulate my daughter into 3 back to back rehabs. She relapsed within hours of returning home, to my home. She was not done.
No one rationalizes their behaviors more than a codependent. While anger is often the emotion that fuels letting go, there is no need to make it a big ole drama with the kicking the addict to the curb stuff. That's the sort of thinking that keeps us attached to outcomes we don't control.
Taking responsibility for ourselves means acknowledging that we allowed .....not the same thing as pulling the victim card and sustaining a belief that we were manipulated into rescuing.
Your own choices ruined 2009-11 and for now it has cost you your peace of mind. Your choices will determine 2012 and your future peace of mind.
" No" is a complete sentence. " No because..." opens the door to negotiations. Going no contact is not the same thing as no longer caring about the person. No contact preserves your sanity and accepts that you have no control over your friend. No contact means no contact, including social media and texting.
You can get off this roller coaster any time you want to do so. That's 100% in your control.
Therapy can help you maintain your boundaries and control your own reactions and impulses to preserve your sanity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
THANK YOU hope2b,outtolunch,and anvilhead.
You changed a life today.
hope2b,your sentence "brainwashing I DID TO MYSELF" was the most powerfully concise
statement of the problem.
outtolunch,ALL of your post was powerfully moving---but the capstone was "Your OWN
choices ruined 2009-2011,your choices in 2012 will determine your future peace of mind"
anvilhead HAS to be a professional writer---how could one encapsulate so much wisdom in
so compact and elegant a phrase as--
"wise people make wise choices. and one of those choices is to shun toxic people.
you have a body of work now to base your next decision upon...what will it be?
The winter solstice happened at 0530GMT (9:30pm where I live)....no BS "putting it
off to the new year".....it IS the new year--this drama consumed 9 seasons of my life.
No more.I wish her well.But I cannot 'fix' her and I was misguided to try.
THANK YOU,all three.
I CHOOSE to honor your wisdom.
You changed a life today.
hope2b,your sentence "brainwashing I DID TO MYSELF" was the most powerfully concise
statement of the problem.
outtolunch,ALL of your post was powerfully moving---but the capstone was "Your OWN
choices ruined 2009-2011,your choices in 2012 will determine your future peace of mind"
anvilhead HAS to be a professional writer---how could one encapsulate so much wisdom in
so compact and elegant a phrase as--
"wise people make wise choices. and one of those choices is to shun toxic people.
you have a body of work now to base your next decision upon...what will it be?
The winter solstice happened at 0530GMT (9:30pm where I live)....no BS "putting it
off to the new year".....it IS the new year--this drama consumed 9 seasons of my life.
No more.I wish her well.But I cannot 'fix' her and I was misguided to try.
THANK YOU,all three.
I CHOOSE to honor your wisdom.
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