Angry at Suffering?
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Angry at Suffering?
I have been doing pretty well since I had the exABF move out and have gone 99% no contact. (I still sneak a peek into his facebook world every few days like a sneaky little "fix")
I am finding myself getting angry, and I know it's probably just part of the grieving process. But it's angry at feeling like he is just a liar and a con, I love that someone used the phrase "stable of enablers".
I am in recovery for almost 6 years from alcoholism. When I met the ABF 2 years ago (or "remet" we had been in HS together 30 yrs previous) I thought that maybe I would be the "one" that would understand him and help him through his cunning baffling struggle of relapsing crack addiction.
I didn't know what crack was about.
He did.
I gave him every benefit of understanding and compassion, felt sorry for how "baffled" he was, how "cunning" crack was. Now I just feel like he was baffling and conning me with his cunningness. I am pissed at him. It seems as though, from reading these posts and especially those from recovering addicts, that he has always had the choice.
Is this true?
I am angry because it feels worse to think that he had the choice... it wasn't that the horrible neuro pathways of the brain were firing, that the craving was so intensely insane that he couldn't help himself...it all feels so totally manipulated, confabulated and well, simply BULL**** now.
Is this true?
I feel like he never loved me, he just created a house of smoke and mirrors to get his needs met, and then blamed it on the sorrowful "struggle" for which I had so much sympathy and desire to help heal.
I am finding myself getting angry, and I know it's probably just part of the grieving process. But it's angry at feeling like he is just a liar and a con, I love that someone used the phrase "stable of enablers".
I am in recovery for almost 6 years from alcoholism. When I met the ABF 2 years ago (or "remet" we had been in HS together 30 yrs previous) I thought that maybe I would be the "one" that would understand him and help him through his cunning baffling struggle of relapsing crack addiction.
I didn't know what crack was about.
He did.
I gave him every benefit of understanding and compassion, felt sorry for how "baffled" he was, how "cunning" crack was. Now I just feel like he was baffling and conning me with his cunningness. I am pissed at him. It seems as though, from reading these posts and especially those from recovering addicts, that he has always had the choice.
Is this true?
I am angry because it feels worse to think that he had the choice... it wasn't that the horrible neuro pathways of the brain were firing, that the craving was so intensely insane that he couldn't help himself...it all feels so totally manipulated, confabulated and well, simply BULL**** now.
Is this true?
I feel like he never loved me, he just created a house of smoke and mirrors to get his needs met, and then blamed it on the sorrowful "struggle" for which I had so much sympathy and desire to help heal.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
To be totally honest, I feel exactly the same way, my exabf conned and used me and I was just a tool to him, a stop over point.
Although today, I must admit, all the flags were waving in my face, and, I chose to ignore them.
Why? I have no clue, I have decided to plead temporary insanity, and, I am sticking to it!
I went through all the emotions, anger, remorse, guilt and then grief...once I was finished with all that gobble de gooke (technical term) I re-emerged, happier, stronger and wiser.
Today, if I see a red flag....anywhere...I run like the wind...I believe that I am one of the
fastest 64 year olds on the planet...red flag and POOF...I am history...gone!
Be patient, go thru the process, make your past mistakes a guidepost...not a hitching post.
You'll be fine...I just know it!
Although today, I must admit, all the flags were waving in my face, and, I chose to ignore them.
Why? I have no clue, I have decided to plead temporary insanity, and, I am sticking to it!
I went through all the emotions, anger, remorse, guilt and then grief...once I was finished with all that gobble de gooke (technical term) I re-emerged, happier, stronger and wiser.
Today, if I see a red flag....anywhere...I run like the wind...I believe that I am one of the
fastest 64 year olds on the planet...red flag and POOF...I am history...gone!
Be patient, go thru the process, make your past mistakes a guidepost...not a hitching post.
You'll be fine...I just know it!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: California
Posts: 99
You sound like a wonderful person. You may never reach any closure trying to figure out what was real, what he thought, and why. Your bf and my husband have self imposed mental illness from long-term crack abuse. Since we don't, its impossible for us to try and logically understand. I "check" too. I never feel better after. Im truly sorry u r going through this. The anger is a good thing and will pass. At least you are not repressing your feelings like he does. Journalling really helped me...esp "freewriting" and getting it all out. Meditation helps too... Esp when I obsess, I stop and breathe for afew moments and it passes. Hugs...
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
He made the initial choice to use, everyone does, and yet…
Did you have a drink thinking hey I wanna be an alcoholic, cause damn that looks like fun?
Once that switch flips it isn’t so easy to find your way back.
Now to make it complicated, you just have to make a choice to stop, it does become that simple, but then is it as you are compelled to get your fix every few days peeking at his facebook? As you let his addiction still run your emotions…
Not so different being ran by a drug, being ran by a person, and when all in the game well surely he played his part, bet you played yours.
We really could opt out at any time, we choose not to because of who we are, not them.
At some point you are going to have to stop looking at him and what he did, didn’t do, stop driving yourself crazy in that did he love me, did he just use me and start looking for the reasons as to why you were/are as you are….see in that is the out, in that is one's freedom.
I put a lot time into the what if’s…A lot of time into assigning reasons why he used, what would make him not use. Lost myself more in that, and when the realization came as to why I was as I was, how easy it was to use him as an excuse not to have to look at myself, how easy it was to blame him, to put it all on him...me the picture of innocence….lmao nah not thinking so. I wasn’t here by happenstance, don’t think anyone is…
Did you have a drink thinking hey I wanna be an alcoholic, cause damn that looks like fun?
Once that switch flips it isn’t so easy to find your way back.
Now to make it complicated, you just have to make a choice to stop, it does become that simple, but then is it as you are compelled to get your fix every few days peeking at his facebook? As you let his addiction still run your emotions…
Not so different being ran by a drug, being ran by a person, and when all in the game well surely he played his part, bet you played yours.
We really could opt out at any time, we choose not to because of who we are, not them.
At some point you are going to have to stop looking at him and what he did, didn’t do, stop driving yourself crazy in that did he love me, did he just use me and start looking for the reasons as to why you were/are as you are….see in that is the out, in that is one's freedom.
I put a lot time into the what if’s…A lot of time into assigning reasons why he used, what would make him not use. Lost myself more in that, and when the realization came as to why I was as I was, how easy it was to use him as an excuse not to have to look at myself, how easy it was to blame him, to put it all on him...me the picture of innocence….lmao nah not thinking so. I wasn’t here by happenstance, don’t think anyone is…
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You say:
Then you ask:
It seems as though, from reading these posts and especially those from recovering addicts, that he has always had the choice.
Is this true?
Was it true for you?
it all feels so totally manipulated, confabulated and well, simply BULL**** now.
Is this true?
Was it true for you?
Just like you, he will have to REACH the point of being "sick and tired of being sick and tired."
He is doing what A's do (be they alcoholic or addict) keeping his DOC (be it alcohol, crack, meth, coke, heroin, etc) his Primary, #1 objective. I know for me in, especially in my last say 5 years of drinking and drugging, it was
God help anyone, and I do mean anyone, that got in the way of me acquiring and using my alcohol and drugs.
I do believe that some of your ANGER is also directed at yourself for being so "gullible". For allowing yourself to be 'used' and to be somewhat enabling.
Unfortunately, many of us A's in recovery are very much enablers. Part of that comes from 'being of service and carrying the message.' I heard repeatedly in my early recovery that:
"We do not '12 Step' those that we are emotionally involved with." ie parents, spouses, children, SO's etc I really didn't understand that totally until the first time I 'tried' to carry the message to my father. Oh was that a lesson and a half. But, being a real good card carrying Alkie, I didn't stop there, tried to do it to my husband too (he was sober before we married, was still sober but had picked up a gambling addiction). It was then, at 3 years to the day, that my AA Sponsor strongly suggested that I start Alanon IMMEDIATELY and get an Alanon sponsor.
Over these many years, I believe the 'perspective' of the Alanon program has helped me as much and more thant the perspective of the AA program to continue my sobriety, as it has given me the 'tools' to 'communicate' with the outside world in a better way.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I am in recovery for almost 6 years from alcoholism.
It seems as though, from reading these posts and especially those from recovering addicts, that he has always had the choice.
Is this true?
Was it true for you?
it all feels so totally manipulated, confabulated and well, simply BULL**** now.
Is this true?
Was it true for you?
Just like you, he will have to REACH the point of being "sick and tired of being sick and tired."
He is doing what A's do (be they alcoholic or addict) keeping his DOC (be it alcohol, crack, meth, coke, heroin, etc) his Primary, #1 objective. I know for me in, especially in my last say 5 years of drinking and drugging, it was
God help anyone, and I do mean anyone, that got in the way of me acquiring and using my alcohol and drugs.
I do believe that some of your ANGER is also directed at yourself for being so "gullible". For allowing yourself to be 'used' and to be somewhat enabling.
Unfortunately, many of us A's in recovery are very much enablers. Part of that comes from 'being of service and carrying the message.' I heard repeatedly in my early recovery that:
"We do not '12 Step' those that we are emotionally involved with." ie parents, spouses, children, SO's etc I really didn't understand that totally until the first time I 'tried' to carry the message to my father. Oh was that a lesson and a half. But, being a real good card carrying Alkie, I didn't stop there, tried to do it to my husband too (he was sober before we married, was still sober but had picked up a gambling addiction). It was then, at 3 years to the day, that my AA Sponsor strongly suggested that I start Alanon IMMEDIATELY and get an Alanon sponsor.
Over these many years, I believe the 'perspective' of the Alanon program has helped me as much and more thant the perspective of the AA program to continue my sobriety, as it has given me the 'tools' to 'communicate' with the outside world in a better way.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Posts: 924
thank you all for checking in, there is something very very nourishing here. I like the straightforwardness and bluntness and seeking to understand that we do here. I need that support right now and am so glad to have found this site.
I did start going to al anon about a year ago then let it fade away and then started back up recently. In the meantime I did a couple of intense al anon / codependency retreats and I learned A LOT about my own core issues. What I did find, and of course I say this just from my OPINION (!) was that al anon was almost too soft for me. The main message I kept hearing was that life could be really good "whether or not the loved one was still using" and that I should just stay on my side of the street and work on me.
I think that it did help in some ways. I think in other ways it was the golden ticket for the addict in my life. It ensured him more ease to "sneak around" because my "monitoring" wasn't "allowed". Also as in the sticky post "The Ways You Know You Are Ready to Leave" #9 "The addict keeps raising the bar for you to "do your part". My addict started using recovery speak to accuse me and twist and turn every doubt around into "MY SH&%!!" He would scream at me, saying I was dishonest and a liar.
Maybe he saw what I didn't at the time. That I was dishonest and a liar about my codependency. That is part of why I am angry. I feel like he knew and just kept using me...while I was baffled at the relapsing. I have a lot of family members in the program. 2 uncles, an aunt, a cousin, and 3 siblings. We took recovery with open hearts and it stuck. I know we are all very very fortunate/blessed/graced...but this is part of the reason I just could not believe he was suffering/struggling.
One comment that hit me over the head was that someone said "make no mistake, he's enjoying it" then I realized my future with him was going up in smoke (and probably with the accompaniment of a crack *****).
This is why this site has been so deeply valuable to me. While al anon felt softly loving toward the addict, and while my community was letting me make my own decisions and arrive to this point of saying no, this site says it like it is. Tough love...for self love!
I think my anger is a phase. Yes to being angry at self too...hurt pride maybe? But also simple anger at an addict for using me under the guise of love. That is an ultimate betrayal of trust. I pray for recovery for all who suffer it...letting go is the greatest freedom ever.
I did start going to al anon about a year ago then let it fade away and then started back up recently. In the meantime I did a couple of intense al anon / codependency retreats and I learned A LOT about my own core issues. What I did find, and of course I say this just from my OPINION (!) was that al anon was almost too soft for me. The main message I kept hearing was that life could be really good "whether or not the loved one was still using" and that I should just stay on my side of the street and work on me.
I think that it did help in some ways. I think in other ways it was the golden ticket for the addict in my life. It ensured him more ease to "sneak around" because my "monitoring" wasn't "allowed". Also as in the sticky post "The Ways You Know You Are Ready to Leave" #9 "The addict keeps raising the bar for you to "do your part". My addict started using recovery speak to accuse me and twist and turn every doubt around into "MY SH&%!!" He would scream at me, saying I was dishonest and a liar.
Maybe he saw what I didn't at the time. That I was dishonest and a liar about my codependency. That is part of why I am angry. I feel like he knew and just kept using me...while I was baffled at the relapsing. I have a lot of family members in the program. 2 uncles, an aunt, a cousin, and 3 siblings. We took recovery with open hearts and it stuck. I know we are all very very fortunate/blessed/graced...but this is part of the reason I just could not believe he was suffering/struggling.
One comment that hit me over the head was that someone said "make no mistake, he's enjoying it" then I realized my future with him was going up in smoke (and probably with the accompaniment of a crack *****).
This is why this site has been so deeply valuable to me. While al anon felt softly loving toward the addict, and while my community was letting me make my own decisions and arrive to this point of saying no, this site says it like it is. Tough love...for self love!
I think my anger is a phase. Yes to being angry at self too...hurt pride maybe? But also simple anger at an addict for using me under the guise of love. That is an ultimate betrayal of trust. I pray for recovery for all who suffer it...letting go is the greatest freedom ever.
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as for the facebook "peeking"...I know I will stop, and I'm sorry, I just cannot compare it to someone getting money together, waiting for the time opening, then going to a really horrific neighborhood, then getting the paraphernalia, then... then... then.
in face taking a look at how he presents himself on facebook is in some wa y a healthy reminder (which hopefully I won't need soon enough) that he misrepresents, masks and minimizes the destructive nasty fearful way his life is going. he intellectualizes it all in order to look good and get "intelligent" replies and "likes". In some way it has just been affirming for me to look (even though I de-friended him we still have many mutual friends and I see when they respond to his posts) it reminds me of the betrayal and his incapacity to be honest.
in face taking a look at how he presents himself on facebook is in some wa y a healthy reminder (which hopefully I won't need soon enough) that he misrepresents, masks and minimizes the destructive nasty fearful way his life is going. he intellectualizes it all in order to look good and get "intelligent" replies and "likes". In some way it has just been affirming for me to look (even though I de-friended him we still have many mutual friends and I see when they respond to his posts) it reminds me of the betrayal and his incapacity to be honest.
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lesliej-
I feel (for me only) but just my two cents, that Al-anon has been a wonderful addition to my recovery from living with an alcoholic. I however had my own eating disorder that I also had been dealing with prior to and during living with an alcoholic.
The combination of individual counseling (with someone who has worked in the field of addictions and eating disorders) and Al-anon has helped me to acheive a balance. I get pretty stuck sometimes on Al-anon principles/sayings etc that honestly I have to chew around and work on with my counselor. Often something in Al-anon will trigger some deep seated feelings from childhood that I get to work in in individual counseling. The journey though is very worthwhile for me and I have learned so much about myself. I think that is what I see you doing also.
Finally for me one of the things that helped with the anger phase was learning about the grief cycle (I am on my second round through it). It helped to normalize the feelings I was having.
Sometimes when I am working on this stuff the quote about The Journey is what is important, not the destination really rings true for me.
I have really appreciated your insight and sharing. Thanks
I feel (for me only) but just my two cents, that Al-anon has been a wonderful addition to my recovery from living with an alcoholic. I however had my own eating disorder that I also had been dealing with prior to and during living with an alcoholic.
The combination of individual counseling (with someone who has worked in the field of addictions and eating disorders) and Al-anon has helped me to acheive a balance. I get pretty stuck sometimes on Al-anon principles/sayings etc that honestly I have to chew around and work on with my counselor. Often something in Al-anon will trigger some deep seated feelings from childhood that I get to work in in individual counseling. The journey though is very worthwhile for me and I have learned so much about myself. I think that is what I see you doing also.
Finally for me one of the things that helped with the anger phase was learning about the grief cycle (I am on my second round through it). It helped to normalize the feelings I was having.
Sometimes when I am working on this stuff the quote about The Journey is what is important, not the destination really rings true for me.
I have really appreciated your insight and sharing. Thanks
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 
Unfortunately, many of us A's in recovery are very much enablers. Part of that comes from 'being of service and carrying the message.' I heard repeatedly in my early recovery that:
"We do not '12 Step' those that we are emotionally involved with."
"We do not '12 Step' those that we are emotionally involved with."
It's taken me a long long time to realize that it doesn't mean we think ONLY of others, but that are ABLE to think of others...
Cheers to balance
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angry at myself? yeah, sure...angry that I have great faith and hope in recovery? angry that I loved the side of the man that had so many great qualities, angry that I thought, oh stupid me, that I had found a partner to grow with? anger that I have trust? angry that when I speak I try to speak truth and expect the same from those around me? angry that I believed he loved me?
I guess it took me all of two years and several relapses to give up faith, hope, love, trust, and respect for the word of another. I guess I am slow. I guess I just allowed someone else to walk all over my values, hard earned values up in smoke. I guess I should be angry at myself because I persevered, believed, tried to encourage, worked a program.
I guess I should be angry at myself. God forbid someone in my position be angry at the addict. No, codependents I guess are so stupid they allow manipulative addicts to use them up until all they can be is angry at "themselves".
Yes, I allowed it.
I guess it took me all of two years and several relapses to give up faith, hope, love, trust, and respect for the word of another. I guess I am slow. I guess I just allowed someone else to walk all over my values, hard earned values up in smoke. I guess I should be angry at myself because I persevered, believed, tried to encourage, worked a program.
I guess I should be angry at myself. God forbid someone in my position be angry at the addict. No, codependents I guess are so stupid they allow manipulative addicts to use them up until all they can be is angry at "themselves".
Yes, I allowed it.
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angry that within hours of me asking him to leave my house his so called "sponsor" picked him up in the limo for lunch and handed over a used car title for the A to "sell or use" that within a day of his moving out his sister sent him a new iphone and bought him a vacation ticket for the holidays. Yes I am angry at the addict.
I have witnessed the moves of a master f'n manipulator and it took me two years to see it.
He gives new meaning to the phrase "stable of enablers" and HE knows it. I didn't. I hate him. All of his lies...I love you, You're beautiful, You're my queen.
Yes. I am angry at HIM HIM HIM!!!
I suppose I allowed that.
I have witnessed the moves of a master f'n manipulator and it took me two years to see it.
He gives new meaning to the phrase "stable of enablers" and HE knows it. I didn't. I hate him. All of his lies...I love you, You're beautiful, You're my queen.
Yes. I am angry at HIM HIM HIM!!!
I suppose I allowed that.
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Let it out, I think I am...this is what I just sent to him...he messaged me to get a file off my computer that I let him use...I said no, I don't owe him a single favor. Love the addict? I don't think so...apparently I don't anymore anyway.
you think you're so f***ing smart but you're just a f***ing monkey mind smoking away your life. You use up the people who love you and then just move on, shell game style. you think you're so f***ing clever, Irish night thief cattle raid "f***ing your daughter" romanticized crap of ancestral story, but you have no reason you spoiled entitled piece of s***. you think you're so smart sneaking around on those who care about you, but we all finally get over it and there you are stuck with it, trying to make yourself feel better by being "better" than the "poor broken creatures of the hood" yeah, good comparison, water rises to its own level.
stuck in the narcissistic prodigal son self pity party step one welcome me back over and over and over and do nothing.
yeah, you think you're so smart.
I bet you even get a little rise over my anger. probably feeds your nasty evil ego.
but guess what I will be over this anger in a week or so.
I will feel nothing for you. you have used and abused all empathy and compassion. i have witnessed how you use EVERYONE, recovery resources all.
you think you're so f***ing smart but you're just a f***ing monkey mind smoking away your life. You use up the people who love you and then just move on, shell game style. you think you're so f***ing clever, Irish night thief cattle raid "f***ing your daughter" romanticized crap of ancestral story, but you have no reason you spoiled entitled piece of s***. you think you're so smart sneaking around on those who care about you, but we all finally get over it and there you are stuck with it, trying to make yourself feel better by being "better" than the "poor broken creatures of the hood" yeah, good comparison, water rises to its own level.
stuck in the narcissistic prodigal son self pity party step one welcome me back over and over and over and do nothing.
yeah, you think you're so smart.
I bet you even get a little rise over my anger. probably feeds your nasty evil ego.
but guess what I will be over this anger in a week or so.
I will feel nothing for you. you have used and abused all empathy and compassion. i have witnessed how you use EVERYONE, recovery resources all.
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Thank you all.
Sometimes maybe, it feels like all the empathy, and compassion, and "owning my own stuff" and "not taking anyone else's inventory" that is a beautiful lesson of the programs we work just gets...a little too polite. My warrioress side has come out to safeguard my boundaries, and I am glad that I allowed myself to express some of my anger.
It's all part of the process, living life on life's terms...
thank you for allowing me to express.
Sometimes maybe, it feels like all the empathy, and compassion, and "owning my own stuff" and "not taking anyone else's inventory" that is a beautiful lesson of the programs we work just gets...a little too polite. My warrioress side has come out to safeguard my boundaries, and I am glad that I allowed myself to express some of my anger.
It's all part of the process, living life on life's terms...
thank you for allowing me to express.
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Wow.. I think I sent my husband the same email (& like 5 more).. I felt better after... Then he used it to prove that I was "irrational, gone off the deep end" and that he had tried etc etc..... So after he hides his crack use, gets me to marry him (he knew I hated drugs, even pot) he used my anger to justify his position. I swear it went in one ear and out the other. Leslie, at least u r not married to him and no kids. I have to come up with 5 grand for a lawyer. Your anger is justified though.... Mine told me "i knew you were naive and trusting.... I PREYED upon that... But I got u to marry me didnt I???" I swear these are all the same guy.
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thanks oneday.
I am sorry that you are getting further swindled by your situation...insult to injury.
the emails I received back today were all over the map...he did a lot of blaming on me, and he told me I was as bad and twisted and dark as he is then a few emails later he told me how much he loved me...so many words and they just don't mean anything anymore. I thought I knew the heart they were coming from and now I just don't know if anything was ever true. it is so completely bewildering, and I know that this is why the no contact is necessary. today I broke that boundary to request that he takes my face off of his profile picture, then I ended up expressing a lot of anger and I don't think I will do it again. he is so duplicitous. he speaks out of both sides of his mouth. he tries to twist things around at me. it is evil...and it is annoying because he uses recovery speak and psychological speak both of which he is really good at.
I suppose I deserve the consequences since I broke the no contact.
I will keep trying to move through this.
when I feel the stages of grief bubble up I feel world weary
when I feel the light of life as I take my power back then the world is good
I am sorry that you are getting further swindled by your situation...insult to injury.
the emails I received back today were all over the map...he did a lot of blaming on me, and he told me I was as bad and twisted and dark as he is then a few emails later he told me how much he loved me...so many words and they just don't mean anything anymore. I thought I knew the heart they were coming from and now I just don't know if anything was ever true. it is so completely bewildering, and I know that this is why the no contact is necessary. today I broke that boundary to request that he takes my face off of his profile picture, then I ended up expressing a lot of anger and I don't think I will do it again. he is so duplicitous. he speaks out of both sides of his mouth. he tries to twist things around at me. it is evil...and it is annoying because he uses recovery speak and psychological speak both of which he is really good at.
I suppose I deserve the consequences since I broke the no contact.
I will keep trying to move through this.
when I feel the stages of grief bubble up I feel world weary
when I feel the light of life as I take my power back then the world is good
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My little pretty is in detox.Ever since she left I've been happy and its been a while since I felt like I dont have to walk on glass.I don't have to worry when I see her car in the garage and the type of attitude I will face a blaming or a nasty one.She is a selfish person with one thing on her mind and it's not me.I cant see it I cant smell it.But she's not home so I dont have to worry about it .I have not called to check up and I don't want to because I'm happy
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I am so filled with hate right now. I included in one of my hate filled messages to him to please de-friend me so that I can't go over to his page and look at his duplicitous posts and intellectual masking. I am just in pain and suffering total HATE. I hope this will pass. I know I am suffering from contact triggers. I know this hate is so not spiritual or healthy or steeped in recovery and I am so filled with it. It is scary.
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One of the women who just replied to him, about some intellectual post, is an author. One of her short stories that is based on his character is a guy who talks about making furniture out of his exgirlfriend's skin.
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Leslie, I hate to see you suffering this way! Just a little contact has thrown you back into all those awful emotions that being involved with an addict brings on! I think you will have more peace if you go back to no contact. Please consider defriending him on FB! I had to do that a few months ago with my ABF. Trying to keep track of what he was doing and who was posting on his wall was making me CRAZY. 
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