lesliej

I have been doing pretty well since I had the exABF move out and have gone 99% no contact. (I still sneak a peek into his facebook world every few days like a sneaky little "fix")
I am finding myself getting angry, and I know it's probably just part of the grieving process. But it's angry at feeling like he is just a liar and a con, I love that someone used the phrase "stable of enablers".
I am in recovery for almost 6 years from alcoholism. When I met the ABF 2 years ago (or "remet" we had been in HS together 30 yrs previous) I thought that maybe I would be the "one" that would understand him and help him through his cunning baffling struggle of relapsing crack addiction.
I didn't know what crack was about.
He did.
I gave him every benefit of understanding and compassion, felt sorry for how "baffled" he was, how "cunning" crack was. Now I just feel like he was baffling and conning me with his cunningness. I am pissed at him. It seems as though, from reading these posts and especially those from recovering addicts, that he has always had the choice.

Is this true?

I am angry because it feels worse to think that he had the choice... it wasn't that the horrible neuro pathways of the brain were firing, that the craving was so intensely insane that he couldn't help himself...it all feels so totally manipulated, confabulated and well, simply BULL**** now.

Is this true?

I feel like he never loved me, he just created a house of smoke and mirrors to get his needs met, and then blamed it on the sorrowful "struggle" for which I had so much sympathy and desire to help heal.