Addiction Discovery, how did I not know?
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Addiction Discovery, how did I not know?
I have lived with my boyfriend for three years we have a 2 year old daughter... it has come to light recently that approximately $30 000 has gone missing in cash from his personal acocunts... lines of credit, credit cards, savings, and regular chequings account all in about 6 months time.
Apx. 6 months ago I had found OxyContin pills in his vehicle and confronted him about it he played it down and said it was a one time thing. He has admitted recently to some marijauna use.... Now that I have seen the financial side of it I can not possibly beleive him. I have also founf the same wrappers in our home that I had found the pills in previously.
I am at an absolute loss.... I need to confront him about it. I need to ask him to get help. I dont know who to talk to about it, should anyone else be involved in a discussion with him? i want to talk to him in love and out of concern for him, I am terrified to leave him but if he refuses to get help i may have to. I dont want that around my little girl.
Help in any way you can ... please!!
Apx. 6 months ago I had found OxyContin pills in his vehicle and confronted him about it he played it down and said it was a one time thing. He has admitted recently to some marijauna use.... Now that I have seen the financial side of it I can not possibly beleive him. I have also founf the same wrappers in our home that I had found the pills in previously.
I am at an absolute loss.... I need to confront him about it. I need to ask him to get help. I dont know who to talk to about it, should anyone else be involved in a discussion with him? i want to talk to him in love and out of concern for him, I am terrified to leave him but if he refuses to get help i may have to. I dont want that around my little girl.
Help in any way you can ... please!!
30K is a lot of cash which equals a lot of dope. Unfortunately confronting an addict does little good. If it did, I would not be here because I have confronted and confronted till I was blue in the face. The best thing you can do is educate yourself on addiction read over the stickies and the stories on this forum. I am sorry you have to deal with a situation like this. It is not an easy road. I know you love your BF, we all love our addicted loved ones. You have to understand that your first priority is for you and your child. I'm not trying to tell you there is no hope for your BF. However, trust me, deep down he knows he has a problem even if he tries to blow it off. You can gently let him know that you know he has a problem but his recovery is ultimately up to him.
You have found a good place here. I am sorry though that you are in a situation that has brought you here.
You have found a good place here. I am sorry though that you are in a situation that has brought you here.
$30K comes to about $82/day for the past 365 days.
I applaud you for putting your child first. Having a solid boundary that you will not allow anyone in active addiction around your child is responsible parenting. A boundary does not seek to control another person's behavior. In this case, he is free to indulge or not. When confronted with someone in active addiction, you take responsibility and remove yourself and child from the situation.
Please don't fall into the codependency trap of "if only he loved me and my baby....". The thing about addiction is that it rewires the addict's brain to protect and sustain the addiction. It's not personal. He's not using at or because of you and the baby. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.
I applaud you for putting your child first. Having a solid boundary that you will not allow anyone in active addiction around your child is responsible parenting. A boundary does not seek to control another person's behavior. In this case, he is free to indulge or not. When confronted with someone in active addiction, you take responsibility and remove yourself and child from the situation.
Please don't fall into the codependency trap of "if only he loved me and my baby....". The thing about addiction is that it rewires the addict's brain to protect and sustain the addiction. It's not personal. He's not using at or because of you and the baby. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Thank you to those who have posted
I am very thankful also that his debt load is not shared with me, its unbelievable...
I hear what you are all saying and am so thankful to have some support from people who likely have had their own lives effected by issues that are similar in nature.
My bottom line is that myself and my daughter will not be involved with him until he gets help. I know that there is no way that he will do it for me, or for her, its all about him right now and he will have to decide to get help when he wants to.
Him and I have not discussed it since the time many months ago, do I just pack up and leave while he isn't there? Do I have an adult discussion with him about it and explain my side? Does anyone else need to know about this? He has a lot of caring loving pople that could support him...
Any more words of wisdom are welcome.
I hear what you are all saying and am so thankful to have some support from people who likely have had their own lives effected by issues that are similar in nature.
My bottom line is that myself and my daughter will not be involved with him until he gets help. I know that there is no way that he will do it for me, or for her, its all about him right now and he will have to decide to get help when he wants to.
Him and I have not discussed it since the time many months ago, do I just pack up and leave while he isn't there? Do I have an adult discussion with him about it and explain my side? Does anyone else need to know about this? He has a lot of caring loving pople that could support him...
Any more words of wisdom are welcome.
Find a meeting for support. Read every sticky on this page. Do what you need to do for your OWN support...he can figure out how to handle his. Every time you ask yourself a question try to focus the decision on what is best for YOU.
I am so sorry that you are going through this, the shock of discovering a "double life" is a lot for any of us to carry. Keep reading, and get yourself to some meetings. Decide how to let your family & friends know about how you made your decision. Sometimes well meaning comments from those who love you and want the best for you actually undermine your resolve to do what IS best for you.
Addiction is crazy-making and can't be understood by any "normies" that might surround you. I think you sound really healthy, and sane, and resolved with healthy boundaries! Moving forward, in acting upon the changes to uphold those values and ideals that you are gifted with, will test your resolve as it has tested all of us...you will need support.
I am so sorry that you are going through this, the shock of discovering a "double life" is a lot for any of us to carry. Keep reading, and get yourself to some meetings. Decide how to let your family & friends know about how you made your decision. Sometimes well meaning comments from those who love you and want the best for you actually undermine your resolve to do what IS best for you.
Addiction is crazy-making and can't be understood by any "normies" that might surround you. I think you sound really healthy, and sane, and resolved with healthy boundaries! Moving forward, in acting upon the changes to uphold those values and ideals that you are gifted with, will test your resolve as it has tested all of us...you will need support.
I am very thankful also that his debt load is not shared with me, its unbelievable...
I hear what you are all saying and am so thankful to have some support from people who likely have had their own lives effected by issues that are similar in nature.
My bottom line is that myself and my daughter will not be involved with him until he gets help. I know that there is no way that he will do it for me, or for her, its all about him right now and he will have to decide to get help when he wants to.
Him and I have not discussed it since the time many months ago, do I just pack up and leave while he isn't there? Do I have an adult discussion with him about it and explain my side? Does anyone else need to know about this? He has a lot of caring loving pople that could support him...
Any more words of wisdom are welcome.
I hear what you are all saying and am so thankful to have some support from people who likely have had their own lives effected by issues that are similar in nature.
My bottom line is that myself and my daughter will not be involved with him until he gets help. I know that there is no way that he will do it for me, or for her, its all about him right now and he will have to decide to get help when he wants to.
Him and I have not discussed it since the time many months ago, do I just pack up and leave while he isn't there? Do I have an adult discussion with him about it and explain my side? Does anyone else need to know about this? He has a lot of caring loving pople that could support him...
Any more words of wisdom are welcome.
Leave and get you and your daughter to a safe place. THEN worry about all the rest. It isn't your job to spread the word, look up resources for him, look after his wellbeing, or anything else in regards to his addictions. That is HIS job. He is a grown man and he will sink or swim no matter how much you gut your life to try and fix him.
Protect yourself and your little one FIRST.
I would not say a word and leave, jump in the life boat with your daughter and row to the shore. The ship is sinking. and, there is not a thing you can do about it. This guy has a major addiction, and believe it or not, it will get worse.
Ditto what everyone else is saying. Don't stay another day. This is a situation that will only get worse before and if it gets any better. Once your out and in a safe place, the most you can do is give him info for a close by rehab, but in all honesty, that's all you can do. Get to some meetings and gather all the info you can. Protect your little girl from this because that's most important.
****{hugs}}}}}}
****{hugs}}}}}}
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