moving along
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
moving along
so it has been a week since i started meetings. i have gone to 6. they really help. plus i have been rereading codependent no more. its funny that the words seem different each time.
i am understanding that i am deep into codie stuff and addiction to her. i realize i have a long way to go. but at least i have the meetings. i am trying to let the thoughts go and to think just about today, or the next hour at least. just make it through the next hour.
the mornings are still rough, as i wake up with that empty feeling but after a couple hours i get back into my routine. i know i am still holding on to something. i am still stuck on wondering what she really thinks. but at the same time she is using and living at another place either using him or liking him. i try to remember that she is in active addiction, so nothing is real anyway. its all about protecting what she needs. i know i still put a lot of focus on her, but i am slowly learning to let it go. i wish i just had a switch to flip and i could be over this. i am realizing that i am likely holding on so much because i became so used to the situation and waiting for the fantasy to come true that i dont want to give it up and feel alone.
i am understanding that i am deep into codie stuff and addiction to her. i realize i have a long way to go. but at least i have the meetings. i am trying to let the thoughts go and to think just about today, or the next hour at least. just make it through the next hour.
the mornings are still rough, as i wake up with that empty feeling but after a couple hours i get back into my routine. i know i am still holding on to something. i am still stuck on wondering what she really thinks. but at the same time she is using and living at another place either using him or liking him. i try to remember that she is in active addiction, so nothing is real anyway. its all about protecting what she needs. i know i still put a lot of focus on her, but i am slowly learning to let it go. i wish i just had a switch to flip and i could be over this. i am realizing that i am likely holding on so much because i became so used to the situation and waiting for the fantasy to come true that i dont want to give it up and feel alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
Recognizing it like you are is the first step, And you are on your way. The more you learn the more you begin to heal. This is all good.
What meetings are you attending? How do you feel after the meeting ? Just curious.
What meetings are you attending? How do you feel after the meeting ? Just curious.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Steve,
I have no doubt that one day, you will be posting in response to someone saying "You should've seen how entrenched I was in my codependency!" Stay the course, you're doing great!\
(((Hugs)))
I have no doubt that one day, you will be posting in response to someone saying "You should've seen how entrenched I was in my codependency!" Stay the course, you're doing great!\
(((Hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
im going to a few different naranon meetings in my area. when i went last year and earlier, i left more sad than when i got there. i guess i was looking for answers about her and to make it work. everything has changed w the meetings though. i leave feeling good. at least for a while. i do slip after a bit, but look forward to the next one. i am afraid though that the good feelings will level out and i wont feel as good, but i am not really going to worry about that.
i have gone to a couple na meetings too. they were also good. i am using those to keep myself from slipping from addiction to her to something else.
i want to go to slaa too, for my love addiction. i went to those before too, but didnt feel anything from them, but since naranon is now working, i wantto give that a chance too.
honestly, there is a part of me that is afraid to heal, because that makes me feel like that is the real separation and there is part of me still that does not want to be separated. i am standing in my own way.
i have gone to a couple na meetings too. they were also good. i am using those to keep myself from slipping from addiction to her to something else.
i want to go to slaa too, for my love addiction. i went to those before too, but didnt feel anything from them, but since naranon is now working, i wantto give that a chance too.
honestly, there is a part of me that is afraid to heal, because that makes me feel like that is the real separation and there is part of me still that does not want to be separated. i am standing in my own way.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
steve, check out some of the other posters going through the same thing and maybe you can share your own and help each other.
I have read soooo many different threads that are "mirror" image of yours, just different names and places.
I have read soooo many different threads that are "mirror" image of yours, just different names and places.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
steve,
you just keep putting one foot in front of the other. no matter how empty you feel. tell yourself that it won't last, you'll get over it, get through this. and one day, you realize that you really are.
if you keep the connection open though, it doesn't happen.
you just keep putting one foot in front of the other. no matter how empty you feel. tell yourself that it won't last, you'll get over it, get through this. and one day, you realize that you really are.
if you keep the connection open though, it doesn't happen.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
thats just it. i am unwilling just yet to cut the connection. close, but not there yet. every morning just hurts. it hurts knowing she is in active addiction and it hurts not knowing what she is thinking. just as i awful-ized the bad that could be happening, i do the opposite too. in my head shes getting better and will have a great relationship with the guy she is staying with. even though i know that most likely isnt the case. i guess i feel left out, i feel abandoned. i feel if she cared and loved me, she would be showing it. then i question is it the drugs, is it addiction that is doing this. at least when i have these thoughts i now try to focus back on me.
i am going to meetings for me. but there is a thought that i do all of this because of hte situation i got myself in with her and i think about her but she prbably doesnt give a thought to me.
and hardest thing for me to accept is that she used me all along, i refuse to accept that. it kills me to think it.
i am going to meetings for me. but there is a thought that i do all of this because of hte situation i got myself in with her and i think about her but she prbably doesnt give a thought to me.
and hardest thing for me to accept is that she used me all along, i refuse to accept that. it kills me to think it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
i think too that i am finally mourning the end of the relationship, no matter what it really was, to me it was something and i am trying to accept that i have to let go. i have to accept that she may have a new bf, i have to accept that i cannot know what is going on in her life, and that what ever there may be between us, isnt happening now. i have ot let go, and let her find her own way. it doesnt seem that i am in that picture now and that hurts, but i will keep going, keep coming back and sharing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pueblo Colorado
Posts: 10
Steve 3 weeks into the break up for me and we were engaged and lived together. I can tell you the pain gets better. I am sad and disappointed that it didnt work out but you cant believe the relief. Ill take this any-day as I know its temporary. If id chose to stay with her there is no telling how long the misery and constant worry would have lasted. The lies, deception and all the crazy thoughts I was having.
I own what I did, Snooping through phone logs and such, but Im not sure she'll ever get it on her end. I am learning to accept that it doesnt really matter. I have my life back.
I own what I did, Snooping through phone logs and such, but Im not sure she'll ever get it on her end. I am learning to accept that it doesnt really matter. I have my life back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
thanks for that. i know. it is true. i am glad not to be in the middle of the chaos- the lies, deception, and crazy thoughts. yeah i played detective too. i cant tell if i was good at it or she was bad at hiding things. as i said, today is the first day that i am looking at this as being over. but if patterns prevail, she will be in another bad situation and call me. the one thing i have now is the that i have the power to say no, nothing until rehab.
i am looking forward to better days. glad yours are getting better
i am looking forward to better days. glad yours are getting better
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
someone suggested reading other peoples stories, I suggest that too. also I suggest to check in with addicts stories. maybe especially girls. male addicts tell me to get the hell out, even those who are friends with my moving-out-at-this-very-moment man. oh beautiful perfect dream man who loves me...stolen away because he is too proud, stubborn, in love with his doc to just simply do what the hell it takes. loving me is simple. but his addiction is the devil and i need out.
relating to an addict is crazy making because you get both sides. the love and the nasty destructive using manipulating lies. too big of a price. i think an addict, over time, makes up for this "price" their "deficit" by becoming HUGE pleasers, chameleons and charmers...
it's how they keep people in relationship with them thru the pain.
so the dreaminess is intense
but the dream is an illusion because it never becomes reality
it is lied to, deceived and traded away for addiction
AND...even in recovery it would take months and months and months for their psyche/spirit to heal
who knows if I even know who this man is
who knows if HE knows...so sad.
pray
relating to an addict is crazy making because you get both sides. the love and the nasty destructive using manipulating lies. too big of a price. i think an addict, over time, makes up for this "price" their "deficit" by becoming HUGE pleasers, chameleons and charmers...
it's how they keep people in relationship with them thru the pain.
so the dreaminess is intense
but the dream is an illusion because it never becomes reality
it is lied to, deceived and traded away for addiction
AND...even in recovery it would take months and months and months for their psyche/spirit to heal
who knows if I even know who this man is
who knows if HE knows...so sad.
pray
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
leslie-
i agree with all of that. and i basically agree with most everything everyone else is saying too. oh, but that dream, as you know. and the other side of it, as you know.
at this point i honestly don't know what it is that keeps me hooked. i mean, it should really be easy. we are 7 hours apart, i really want to get back into the things i had stopped doing when she was here, i can picture that place i was in before this happened and i was ok there, but i cannot seem to get there. maybe because all this feels like is a sparkler fizzling out, then it sparks again and then starts to fizzle. no closure? no definitive actions? i don't know. i do know i am glad you got to where you are. i don't think i am toooo far behind.
i agree with all of that. and i basically agree with most everything everyone else is saying too. oh, but that dream, as you know. and the other side of it, as you know.
at this point i honestly don't know what it is that keeps me hooked. i mean, it should really be easy. we are 7 hours apart, i really want to get back into the things i had stopped doing when she was here, i can picture that place i was in before this happened and i was ok there, but i cannot seem to get there. maybe because all this feels like is a sparkler fizzling out, then it sparks again and then starts to fizzle. no closure? no definitive actions? i don't know. i do know i am glad you got to where you are. i don't think i am toooo far behind.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Steve,
I don't think you CAN go BACK there. You have been given a major lesson. There is beauty in it, really...that is a spiritual principle. Part of my fear is the fear of going into and all the way through the grief. I can also fear that I will have made a mistake. But I don't think you could find a single person on this site who would think that there is a possibility that the will of a higher power would suggest you be with someone who is emotionally abusive (deceit, using, lies, etc...all the symptoms of active addiction).
In step one we admit we are powerless. The picture you paint is of absolute powerlessness but it is like you want to fly a kite with a key in a drought.
Anyone who meets someone in rehab, leaves early (?) and moves in together is not in a healthy recovery program. The relationship is almost certainly doomed. They are simply using the "juice" of dysfunctional love-sex-relationship-addiction. It will either not end well or it will continue in a fashion that any healthy human being would RUN RUN RUN from.
Check into decoupling counseling.
I am going to give myself a few weeks to transition and if the emotions are just to raw then I will look for such counseling myself. I already do AA, Al Anon, and therapy...lots of support too including this newfound resource of sharing. Get busy and heal your heart, life is short. When you look back you will just be kind of amazed that you were so stuck!
PEACE!
I don't think you CAN go BACK there. You have been given a major lesson. There is beauty in it, really...that is a spiritual principle. Part of my fear is the fear of going into and all the way through the grief. I can also fear that I will have made a mistake. But I don't think you could find a single person on this site who would think that there is a possibility that the will of a higher power would suggest you be with someone who is emotionally abusive (deceit, using, lies, etc...all the symptoms of active addiction).
In step one we admit we are powerless. The picture you paint is of absolute powerlessness but it is like you want to fly a kite with a key in a drought.
Anyone who meets someone in rehab, leaves early (?) and moves in together is not in a healthy recovery program. The relationship is almost certainly doomed. They are simply using the "juice" of dysfunctional love-sex-relationship-addiction. It will either not end well or it will continue in a fashion that any healthy human being would RUN RUN RUN from.
Check into decoupling counseling.
I am going to give myself a few weeks to transition and if the emotions are just to raw then I will look for such counseling myself. I already do AA, Al Anon, and therapy...lots of support too including this newfound resource of sharing. Get busy and heal your heart, life is short. When you look back you will just be kind of amazed that you were so stuck!
PEACE!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Youare mourning the loss of something that you thought 'could' be but never really was.
Think long and hard about the REALITY of the relationship you have vs. your FANTASY.
The sadness comes from letting go of the fantasy. I held onto mine with a deathgrip and paid a huge price emotionally.
The reality was very different and has played itself out in a far different way than I had hoped.
We have NO control.
Let the fantasy go. Free yourself!
Think long and hard about the REALITY of the relationship you have vs. your FANTASY.
The sadness comes from letting go of the fantasy. I held onto mine with a deathgrip and paid a huge price emotionally.
The reality was very different and has played itself out in a far different way than I had hoped.
We have NO control.
Let the fantasy go. Free yourself!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
hey-
so nice to hear from you. it is mourning the loss of the fantasy. fortunately i am seeing things more clearly as the time goes by. i have been holding on with a death grip. i have low days, like this weekend, but come out a little better, like today. i still have trouble believing words or looking for hope in them, but the same thing plays out. its weird to see it right before me but to not have the strength, willingness, and faith to let go. but today at least feels like a good day and hopefully tomorrow will too.
so nice to hear from you. it is mourning the loss of the fantasy. fortunately i am seeing things more clearly as the time goes by. i have been holding on with a death grip. i have low days, like this weekend, but come out a little better, like today. i still have trouble believing words or looking for hope in them, but the same thing plays out. its weird to see it right before me but to not have the strength, willingness, and faith to let go. but today at least feels like a good day and hopefully tomorrow will too.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
