humnbird

Hi everyone... Posted last week about my BF who has relapsed but gotten clean again... for 5 days then I came home to him smoking crack in the apt. I have been compeltely keeping my distance, letting his family deal with the drama. But you know addicts "show up" where ever you are and insanity ensues.

Call me dramatic, but I made the decision not to be with him anymore. A really big step for me. I haven't told him yet... I was about to but he was 5 minutes away from going to sober living. Now he's there and I feel as if we've already parted ways. I can't stop crying and mourning the loss of the good things we had during his years of sobriety... But after all this I have 0 trust. And I feel I need to be alone...

Can't eat, can't sleep because when I think about losing us I cry... I tried to get a hold of 5 girls in the program last night around midnight.. no one answered and I just feel hopeless.... Needing some words of encouragement.

I'm sure you all relate, but thing love we had was so special.... Is special. Just incredibly damaged and tainted.

hopeful0323

Yes pretty much all of us significant others of A's feel or have felt this way about our relationships. What helped me "let go" of my AXBF is not having contact. First I did not contact him at all. Then I would not answer his calls. Now he doesn't even attempt to contact me so I know that I have made the right decision. He does not want to be a part of mine or the kids' lives. I'm ok with that. I have so much peace and serenity without his chaos. That is just what worked for me, you will find answers in your own time.

humnbird

Thank you anvil... I'm in the middle of my amends and have a sponsee in treatment so hopefully that will keep me busy "when to yield would mean heartache" (from the BB). I have a girls bday dinner tonight and womens meeting tomorrow, so yes busy can help I suppose. I feel kind of paralyzed...

I just keep praying to god... Sometimes asking why this happen, sometimes asking for the strength to get through it.

This damn woman I work with keeps telling me "I don't love him enough" to walk through this again and thats why im leaving. I think I just love myself more...

Chino

humnbird, have you ever lived alone before this? If you haven't, it can be a huge shock no matter what the circumstances are, when our hearts feel like they're breaking.

Hang onto yourself and don't ever let go

humnbird

Chino, I lived in a studio for a year with my ABF, but he was using and disappeared to hotels etc and treatment so I was alone... I live with a roommate now but she started dating someone in San Diego and is gone most of the time. It is quite a shock. Just in the last 2 weeks I lost my sober partner, my best friend... If I wasn't an addict and didn't have my girlfriends I got sober with I don't know what would do... I guess I would be normal whatever that is!

I just realized that being with him took a serious toll on my program.. The two things addicts use over, finance and romance. I really need to stay close to AA or the pain could prove too much. No one is immune to relapse, not even me with 7 years.

Thank you so much for your support : )