My son's graduated to heroin....
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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I can relate. My AD self-harmed and used heroin. She isn't now because she's in jail where she's been diagnosed with a personality disorder too. It's not the easiest thing to deal with...Stay strong and you will get through. I'll pray for your family.
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Join Date: May 2009
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Thanks all. I just can't get over the fact that both of my children are/will be institutionalized at the same time. These children have not suffered any significant trauma, they have grown up with a loving family in an upper-middle-class lifestyle, and have been provided many opportunities. It's so hard to NOT look back and see every little mistake we made and bear all the blame. My head knows that at least 75% of the cause is genetic (strong mental illness in ex-husband's family) but my heart wants to bear the blame.
I have had a good and blessed life for the most part and I have been so grateful for that all along. THIS cross I have been given now causes pain more than I have ever borne before. All the trouble with my daughter in the last year has caused me to say on many occassion, "I don't know how much more I can take." And here it is.... more. Much more. Now my son is smoking heroin.
Ok, God. I'm carrying all I can carry. Uncle!
I have had a good and blessed life for the most part and I have been so grateful for that all along. THIS cross I have been given now causes pain more than I have ever borne before. All the trouble with my daughter in the last year has caused me to say on many occassion, "I don't know how much more I can take." And here it is.... more. Much more. Now my son is smoking heroin.
Ok, God. I'm carrying all I can carry. Uncle!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
My son also grew up in a loving home. I've wondered why he would need to medicate himself with drugs and alcohol, too. He didn't see it modeled by his father and me. There is something going on with him. He has indicated to me that he has social anxiety. His counselor believes that there is something in his past, some kind of trauma. Perhaps social anxiety is all the trauma a person needs to propel them into unhealthy waters. I don't know. We may never ever know.
My son's drug and alcohol abuse as a teenager is what brought me to rely on God in the first place 14 years ago. My son abused drugs and alcohol all through junior high and high school and it was a very trying time for me. I had my own depression to deal with then. My husband and I moved out of state to a new city and my son left his abusing drugs and alcohol behind for five years. I thought it was over. I thought I'd never have to revisit those days again. I thought God had delivered my son from a bad situation when we moved and he seemed to be doing so well. Surly since he was well those five years he was always going to be well. Then my son decided to move back to where we used to live. I remember sitting down with him and praying with him that God would protect him--that we had moved in order to remove him from bad influences and for him not to return to those bad influences. I don't think he thought he'd get back into what he had left behind, but he did. He started right back where he left off and became a heroin addict.
It's hard enough to go through life but without trusting on God would be worse. A lot of people think God only gives us as much as we can handle, but I don't believe that is true. If so we would never turn to Him. We as parents of addicts (and others who love someone who is an addict) have been given much more than we can handle alone, but with God we are not alone.
My son is back with his father and me and we are cautiously hoping for the best. As difficult as it is to revisit old wounds, I choose to believe that God will use evil for good.
Hang in there.
My son's drug and alcohol abuse as a teenager is what brought me to rely on God in the first place 14 years ago. My son abused drugs and alcohol all through junior high and high school and it was a very trying time for me. I had my own depression to deal with then. My husband and I moved out of state to a new city and my son left his abusing drugs and alcohol behind for five years. I thought it was over. I thought I'd never have to revisit those days again. I thought God had delivered my son from a bad situation when we moved and he seemed to be doing so well. Surly since he was well those five years he was always going to be well. Then my son decided to move back to where we used to live. I remember sitting down with him and praying with him that God would protect him--that we had moved in order to remove him from bad influences and for him not to return to those bad influences. I don't think he thought he'd get back into what he had left behind, but he did. He started right back where he left off and became a heroin addict.
It's hard enough to go through life but without trusting on God would be worse. A lot of people think God only gives us as much as we can handle, but I don't believe that is true. If so we would never turn to Him. We as parents of addicts (and others who love someone who is an addict) have been given much more than we can handle alone, but with God we are not alone.
My son is back with his father and me and we are cautiously hoping for the best. As difficult as it is to revisit old wounds, I choose to believe that God will use evil for good.
Hang in there.
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I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I understand that feeling of "Ok God, I can't handle this anymore".
You are not alone. There is no useful purpose in ruminating over the past. We all made mistakes but we can't change them. Your children know that you love them. They were caught in the same process that so many of our children were caught in. Divorce. A drug culture. And unfortunately a genetic predisposition. We can accept our mistakes. Apologize (or make amends where appropriate). And move forward with God's help.
If I could, I would give you a gentle hug right now. My mother's heart understands how much it hurts. You are not alone. We are all walking this path with you.
gentle hugs
ke
You are not alone. There is no useful purpose in ruminating over the past. We all made mistakes but we can't change them. Your children know that you love them. They were caught in the same process that so many of our children were caught in. Divorce. A drug culture. And unfortunately a genetic predisposition. We can accept our mistakes. Apologize (or make amends where appropriate). And move forward with God's help.
If I could, I would give you a gentle hug right now. My mother's heart understands how much it hurts. You are not alone. We are all walking this path with you.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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Try not to beat yourself up. My kids had a great stable home, loving family, many opportunities, etc. One is happy, successful, well-adjusted. The other chose a life of drugs and crime. Maybe she was predisposed to succumb to mental/emotional states that made her vulnerable to drugs and criminals. Who knows? All I know is that we did the best we could for her and now it's up to her to turn her life around or not.
So give your self time to let any scared/sad feelings pass. Take comfort in knowing you're not alone. Our thoughts are with you.
So give your self time to let any scared/sad feelings pass. Take comfort in knowing you're not alone. Our thoughts are with you.
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Originally Posted by tjp613 
It's so hard to NOT look back and see every little mistake we made and bear all the blame. My head knows that at least 75% of the cause is genetic (strong mental illness in ex-husband's family) but my heart wants to bear the blame.
There are some things where I get to own blame and I've made amends with her. The rest of it? I wanted to hold responsibility for all of it, because then it meant I could fix it
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Ok, new update... He agreed to got to a different rehab where a friend of his works and is very supportive. Of course he agreed to this only after he finally realized we were not softening on our bottom lines and he would be home/job/phone/car-less as of today no matter what he decides.
His dad's supposed to get him on the bus for the 6 hour ride to rehab at 2:30 today. Fingers crossed.
I have to say that there is a part of me that is so happy to be DONE with this madness. We are getting him into rehab which is well covered by insurance, but after this we are DONE. He is officially on his own. Just gotta keep my ex on the same page but he's doing so much better about it now. It was harder for him to let go of the dream, but he's getting it now.
His dad's supposed to get him on the bus for the 6 hour ride to rehab at 2:30 today. Fingers crossed.
I have to say that there is a part of me that is so happy to be DONE with this madness. We are getting him into rehab which is well covered by insurance, but after this we are DONE. He is officially on his own. Just gotta keep my ex on the same page but he's doing so much better about it now. It was harder for him to let go of the dream, but he's getting it now.
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I hope the rehab works, but that's all up to him. It's good that you are done with your son's antics. He is responsible for his own life and holding firmly to your boundaries will ensure that you won't be dragged into anymore madness. The only thing I suggest is that you also be done with whatever you ex decides to do regarding your son. If he's on the same page as you, great, but if he isn't, that is his business and he'll reap the consequences. It shouldn't affect you if you hold to your own boundaries. 
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I'm glad your son is headed to rehab. I hope that he comes to realize that it is precisely what he needs--to be on the path of staying clean and sober. Rehab was a good experience for my son. It's early in my son's recovery (only a couple months) but he certainly appears to be grateful for his being drug free at the moment.
One thing people here encouraged me to do was to find a sober living house for my son when he left rehab. We didn't do so because my husband was against the idea. I can see the value in such places, though. I think it's too easy for our children when they come back home. My son has not caused any trouble since he's been home, but he's not as motivated as he would be outside our home. He's too laid back now IMO. He would be more responsible living somewhere else. My goal now is to see he gets out of our home as soon as possible.
A sober living facility would give your son some structure to his life right when he comes out of rehab along with some independence. You and your husband would not be put in the position of having to be the ones checking to be sure your son does what he needs to be doing. Please consider such a place seriously.
One thing people here encouraged me to do was to find a sober living house for my son when he left rehab. We didn't do so because my husband was against the idea. I can see the value in such places, though. I think it's too easy for our children when they come back home. My son has not caused any trouble since he's been home, but he's not as motivated as he would be outside our home. He's too laid back now IMO. He would be more responsible living somewhere else. My goal now is to see he gets out of our home as soon as possible.
A sober living facility would give your son some structure to his life right when he comes out of rehab along with some independence. You and your husband would not be put in the position of having to be the ones checking to be sure your son does what he needs to be doing. Please consider such a place seriously.
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Originally Posted by suki44883
The only thing I suggest is that you also be done with whatever you ex decides to do regarding your son. If he's on the same page as you, great, but if he isn't, that is his business and he'll reap the consequences. It shouldn't affect you if you hold to your own boundaries.
Originally Posted by kmangel
I'm glad your son is headed to rehab. I hope that he comes to realize that it is precisely what he needs--to be on the path of staying clean and sober. Rehab was a good experience for my son. It's early in my son's recovery (only a couple months) but he certainly appears to be grateful for his being drug free at the moment.
One thing people here encouraged me to do was to find a sober living house for my son when he left rehab. We didn't do so because my husband was against the idea. I can see the value in such places, though. I think it's too easy for our children when they come back home. My son has not caused any trouble since he's been home, but he's not as motivated as he would be outside our home. He's too laid back now IMO. He would be more responsible living somewhere else. My goal now is to see he gets out of our home as soon as possible.
A sober living facility would give your son some structure to his life right when he comes out of rehab along with some independence. You and your husband would not be put in the position of having to be the ones checking to be sure your son does what he needs to be doing. Please consider such a place seriously.
One thing people here encouraged me to do was to find a sober living house for my son when he left rehab. We didn't do so because my husband was against the idea. I can see the value in such places, though. I think it's too easy for our children when they come back home. My son has not caused any trouble since he's been home, but he's not as motivated as he would be outside our home. He's too laid back now IMO. He would be more responsible living somewhere else. My goal now is to see he gets out of our home as soon as possible.
A sober living facility would give your son some structure to his life right when he comes out of rehab along with some independence. You and your husband would not be put in the position of having to be the ones checking to be sure your son does what he needs to be doing. Please consider such a place seriously.
Send your son to sober living, pay his first months rent, then let him go. Trust me. Please.
Just got a call from the ex who is taking him to the bus today and hear that AS is balking about getting on the bus (wants dad to drive him). So his dad went to the local police station, grabbed a constable who is going to make a visit to the apartment. His choice now is rehab or jail. This is THE END OF THE LINE.
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I hope you take some good deep breathes, do something wonderfully kind and comforting for yourself today and just for this moment realize that both your children are safe and you can focus on you. I had both kids spiraling at the same time and in treatment at the same time. If it wasn't for meetings and SR, I am not sure how i would have made it through. Now is an excellent time to work your recovery as hard as you are hoping the kids will do so. I was in crisis mode recovery work until my kids got into rehab...While they were in, I accelerated my focus and really hit it hard. It made a huge difference when they came out...Not to them so much as to me! Lots of gentle hugs. 
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Here's a wee update: He's been in one week today. I don't know much except that he had a pretty rough detox with severe body aches, sweats and chills, but no gastric issues. He's been sleeping a lot, but he is going to all his groups although he is quiet and very depressed. I haven't talked to him -- got this info from his counselor.
I am like a zombie. I can't shake this oppressive sadness and feeling of hopelessness. I'm isolating more than I should and my weight is at an all-time high. I keep thinking it will get better soon. I sure do miss my daughter being around, but her treatment is actually going pretty well right now and look forward to her coming home in 2-3 months. I do get to see her 3x a week and that is so helpful.
I am like a zombie. I can't shake this oppressive sadness and feeling of hopelessness. I'm isolating more than I should and my weight is at an all-time high. I keep thinking it will get better soon. I sure do miss my daughter being around, but her treatment is actually going pretty well right now and look forward to her coming home in 2-3 months. I do get to see her 3x a week and that is so helpful.
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