artist83

I just don't know what to anymore. I had another breakdown about my bf's addiction. I feel like all the work I've been doing to help myself just went down the drain. I have to start over agin, all my progress has been lost. I feel like crawling in a hole and never coming out.

All the therapy, the meetings, the steps, the books, the support, isn't working. I feel even more helpless and worthless than I did before I took the first step to get help for myself.

What do you do when all of your efforts have failed? Where do I go from here? Is there any hope or am I just kidding myself?

steve1840

hey-

dont beat yourself up. we slip and relapse and all that just like the addict does.

you asked if there is hope--- hope for what? for you stepping away from this, or for him getting clean?

there is always hope. there is hope for both of these, the difference is that you can only hope he gets clean, you CAN step aside for you.

steve1840

now, if you are asking about all efforts failing in trying to help him...if all efforts have failed, you have to get to a point where you can make a decision. it doesnt have to be dramatic or anything, but realize the choices are to remain unhappy with the addict and realize that your needs will never be met, which id fine if that is what you want to do. or, you may realize that even though if will be painful, you move on and understand that you will feel better and will get your needs met.

i knew fora long while that those were my choices, but it took me a while to be able to choose which way to go. so, for a long while i remained in a limbo like stage. it was an evolution that has led be to wanting better things for me.

for a year i was 'there' for her. i was a friend, i did everything i could to keep her off the streets. i researched treatment stuff, made hundreds of calls, i went to naranon, i stepped aside and let her make calls ,which made her feel good. i stood by her when her went back ot the streets, i did everything i possible could for a year. finally she got tired of it all----maybe (she may have just been tired of 'working' but not totally tired of getting high). she moved and started a program, but ALLOWED herself to meet users and dealers. within a couple weeks after making new friends, it was the same as if she never left. but now, since there is distance between us, i am treated like all the jerks she met on the street, just getting calls for money.

when your efforts to help have failed- you must move on. you must take that difficult step fora better life for you, or remain in the quagmire.

i have it easy, she moved away. i know its hard, but try to start by putting in distance if that works better than going cold turkey. whatever you decide, you CAN do it.

Kindeyes

Artist
We all have bad days. Some of us have been on this path for many years and we have bad days. But believe me, all of the therapy, the meetings, the reading, the steps don't desert you. It's all still with you. Sometimes we just have to dig deep to bring it back to the forefront of our minds when the "bad stuff" starts to take over again. Be kind to yourself and even when it feels like it's not working, stick to your path of recovery and you'll find that you'll get right back in step with it again.

The difference between a bad day and a good day? One day.

gentle hugs
ke

mayabee

It is hard and sometimes we relapse just like the addicts. So much of my state of mind is still bound up with how well or badly my son is doing. But I keep trying and use the tools I have obtained in Naranon. Sometimes all I can do is something really basic like say the Serenity Prayer or take deep breaths. My sponsor suggested just saying to myself, "This too shall pass." Maybe not the addict's behavior - maybe just the immediate crisis, or my blackest despair. Agree with Kindeyes- all you have learned in your recovery is still there. Don't be so hard on yourself - this is painful and your feelings are understandable. Just keep reaching out. Maybe take a walk. Sometimes a physical change of scene can provide a change of perspective - or just a bit of relief. Sorry for your pain but don't give up or get down on yourself.

nerdygirl

My AH is in recovery - been clean for over 4 months, but he has good days and bad days. Since I'm learning more about codependence (halfway through Codependent No More) I am able to not take his bad days personally. He is having a bad day. Not ME. I can't fix whatever is wrong with him. If he wants to talk, he knows I'm there. Otherwise, he can deal with his own problems. He's a grown man and had to deal with his own moods for 33 years (not well, but that's another story). He's seeing a psych regularly, on meds and is doing better, but the bad days are still there. They always will be. Nothing I can do about it other than love him. I certainly don't want his moods to bring me down. I keep telling myself: It's not my problem, I can't fix him, I didn't cause this, I can't cure it, All I can do is worry about ME and control my own moods.

When was the last time you did something for YOU??

Freedom1990

Regardless of how "strong" my recovery program might be, I could/would never live with an addict who's shooting up dope in my home.

I'm not sure what you want out of life.

You've walked in on him twice now shooting dope.

You do realize that living with an IV drug user who does it right there in the home is dysfunctional as heck, right?

As a former IV user myself, I can tell you that you are at risk for so much when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases.

whyme123

Artist - Most of us are "addicted" to our addicts and we try to work our own program to get "clean". We experience ups and downs, relapses, you name it... it's a tough struggle..and we don't even have a chemical dependence to our "drug".

I preface with this because, considering how extremely hard it is to detach from our addict in whatever way and knowing how hard this is for you do you think your bf has the strength and desire to work on his recovery at this point. Answer this truthfully, does he want to do it? Is he capable of it right now.

Accept whatever answer comes to you...and do the best that you can to help yourself with it.

MsPINKAcres

Please remember feelings are facts!

I believe that we all have those days when we feel overwhelmed and discouraged ~ we "feel" that our recovery tools are not helping and we feel alone and abandoned.

But my friend you did the best thing you could - you reached out for help.

In the words of a wise & brave soul "Chicken Little" . . . "Today is a New Day" (sorry I just love that movie - watch it a bunch with my granddaughters! Hope that made you smile for just a moment)

Yes, today is a new day - filled with endless possibilities for a bright new future for you ~ ask your HP what is the plan for day and enjoy the blessings as you walk your path!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Chino

When we knew our daughter was active, we thought her living at home was better because she was safe here. Well, she could OD and die in our home, too.

It was recovery work that eventually helped me see that, no matter how emotionally detached I was from her choices, I was still enabling her disease by allowing her to stay here while active. She was able to buy her drugs because she had no financial responsibilities. In essence, we were buying her drugs for her. Realizing that was a very sick feeling. I might as well have stuck the damn needle in her arm.

artist83

Thanks for this suggestion Steve. I think I may just be able to handle putting a bit of distance between the two of us, because I am not ready to just let him go completely.

artist83

Nerdy Girl,

Thanks for your post. I too am about halfway through Codependent No More, and I have been doing great for the past few weeks, but last night was just horrible. I broke down completely then panicked because I felt like I had just thrown away all of the progress I had made. But you're right, I just had a bad day, a very bad day. And today I am okay, and that is good enough for me right now.

And yes, I do believe I need to do something for myself, something meaningful. I deserve a little reward

artist83

You've said this before, and I have heard you. I get it. You wouldn't/couldn't allow this in your home. I am not you, my feelings are not your feelings, so please respect that. I am coping with this the best way I can, and for the moment, that is all I have the strength to do.

You make it sound like I want to be miserable, want this to continue. I want what everyone else wants out of life - I want to be happy. But I don't want to lose the one person who means everything to me.

Yes, and thank you for reminding me of how DYSFUNCTIONAL I am. I've been trying to work on my feelings about myself, not remind myself of how **cked up I am.

If he were shooting up under a bridge with a needle he shared with some random junkies, then yes, I would be panicking about the risk. And because I don't know everything he has done in the past, I got my OBGYN to test me for STD's. I may be stupid but I'm not that stupid.

artist83

I'm pretty sure I didn't say that it was SO much better for him to shoot up in my home. Actually, I am positive that I didn't say that, and it isn't my home, it is OUR home. It doesn't matter whose home it is anyway. Am I okay with him doing this is in our home? No, I am not. I'm not okay with him doing it at all, whether it's under a bridge or in our home.

When I posted my original message, all I said was that I fell apart yesterday, I had a breakdown. Was it because I walked in on him shooting up in our home? No, it wasn't. It was because I had an emotional breakdown, plain and simple. I'm trying as hard as I can to keep it together, and all that I am asking for is some support, some compassion, some words that will get me through each day. What I don't need, actually what no one needs, is for someone to make them feel even worse than they did before they reached out for support.

Lucky him, right? He's so lucky that his idiot of a girlfriend is letting him kill himself in their home, right?

I actually thought that this was a safe place for me to express how I feel without being judged or made to feel more worthless than I already feel. I guess I was wrong.

Freedom1990

For whatever it's worth, it pains me a great deal to think of you living under those circumstances because I do care, regardless of how you interpret my posts.

I lived that hell for 5 years, only I joined in and we were both shooting dope.

You deserve so much better.

nerdygirl

artist, just wanted to see how you're doing today. I am thinking of you...

BeingStill

Sigh. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. The thing is, there is no amount of recovery work that will EVER make you feel better while living with active addiction. You can work the Steps, go to meetings every night, read the literature and talk to a sponsor... but no matter how much of that you do, there will NEVER come a day when you feel happy living with active addiction.

I don't think it's that nothing is working or helping. I don't think it's about progress being lost. I don't think you're doing something wrong. I think it's like trying to put a square peg into a round hole. You're trying to make your recovery take you to a better place while living in the chaos of addiction. Your recovery can't fit in the chaos. It just can't.

I feel your pain. Please don't beat yourself up. I think you're just trying to find a way to make your recovery do something for you that it's not designed to do... and that's changing your environment without you actually changing your environment.

(((hugs)))

Chino

I think my first post here was about my aunt and uncle surviving his alcoholism. They're both close to 80 and are still married. They've been living their happily ever after for a few decades now.

She always made him leave when he wanted to drink and she carried on without him. She maintained a sober home and that was that. She worked, she raised their children and had a very strong support system. She wasn't bitter or sad about it either, at least not outwardly. The woman I grew up knowing was unflappable and seemed happy.

Still, there are a couple of big elephants in the room. There are two other children my uncle spawned when he was off on a 'drunk'. No one talks to my aunt and uncle about it, but we talk with each other. My cousins, their children, are sad. When I was asked I gave all the info I had to them, some of it they already knew. I think they're waiting for their parents to pass before exploring it.

artist83

Thanks KC. I'm doing pretty good today. After therapy yesterday, I decided that I was going to attend my first open NA meeting. I told my addict that I was going to go, and he broke down completely. Cried his eyes out, said he was terrified that I was going to leave him. He finally admitted that he can't live like this anymore (using & abusing) because he doesn't want to lose the best thing he has ever had and he is tired of relying on, needing pain pills to make reality easier to deal with.

I asked him if he would like to come to the NA meeting with me, but told him that even if he chose not to go, I was going anyway. I needed to go for ME. He actually said that he would try to make the meeting, but he ended up working late and I had already left before he got home (I know he was working because we both work for my dad's company, and all it takes is a phone call to my dad to see if he's still on a job, which he was).

I was so nervous about the meeting, but I went anyway, and as soon as I stepped through the door, I felt this instant weight lifted off of my shoulders. The people there were amazing. I got soooo much out of the meeting and felt a sort of peace when I left that I haven't felt in a very long time. I needed to hear their stories, hear how addiction had affected their lives and what they had to do in order to recover. Last night, I realized that his addiction is not my fault, is not my responsibility, and there is nothing that I can do to make him better. He has to do this, and I will support him through his recovery, but he has to take the first step.

When I got home, I told him how wonderful the meeting was (without any details of course), and he was actually happy to see me happy. I told him that I thought it would greatly benefit for him to go to the next meeting on Tuesday night and that it was his choice, and he actually seemed willing to give it a try. I'm not going to mention it or ask him to go again. I'm just going to take it day by day and see what happens.

For now, I'm living in the moment, taking it day by day, and taking care of ME. I truly hope he does make an effort to get clean, whether it's going to his first NA meeting, seeing a therapist, or going through detox. But I'm not going to stress myself out over any of it. It is what it is, and that's good enough for me right now.

Thanks for all of your support!

Eddiebuckle

Artist,

I am so glad to hear about your NA meeting, your discussions with your BF about his addiction, and your outlook. I especially liked how you closed your post:

For now, I'm living in the moment, taking it day by day, and taking care of ME. I truly hope he does make an effort to get clean, whether it's going to his first NA meeting, seeing a therapist, or going through detox. But I'm not going to stress myself out over any of it. It is what it is, and that's good enough for me right now.

Your post reminds me of a Jimmy Buffett tune I especially like, called Happily Ever After (from the Banana Wind CD). The chorus is:

Some people never find it
Some only pretend, but me
I just want to live happily ever after
Every now and then

It's so easy to spend our days obsessed with the less than ideal parts and times of our lives. The secret is to appreciate and enjoy the small beauties that pass through every day - they are there if we are open to them.

Thanks for making my day - hope today is a good one for you too.