Not so sure kicking out AS is way to go
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Not so sure kicking out AS is way to go
I have to vent and share this. Yes, I am in conflict. My AS is creating chaos in my life and destroying my peace. I find myself drinking more beer to not have to deal with him and go to sleep.
Yet, despite what everyone here has said, and what perhaps I do know in my gut to be true, I can't just throw my son out, yet. I have told him he must seek therapy and trtmnt to help him control his anger to keep living here. I can't handle his outbursts and violence and self destructive behavior anymore. He has anger and resentments against me and continually holds it over my head.
He isn't interested in getting clean and sober. he just wants to get through and beat the court ordered program.
How many times have I wanted to call the PET team and even have, but then he runs. Yes, he is holding me hostage, with the everpresent threat that he will use again over my head.
I am not responsible for what he choosed to do, eve n if I seem harsh on him. Yet today he left and txted me telling me he used and implied it would be the 'last time'. did I panic......u betcha! I called his girlfrind, who was of no use and a friend of his, who did check on him and get back to me.
I don't know. this tough love is hard. I know I'm not equipped to deal with his anger, resentments, and actin out issues. Yet I'm reluctant to call the PET team (emerg. psychiatric response) because it will mess up his drug court program. However, I can't live with it anymore...his cutting himself with razors, putting dents and holes in my furniture, threatening to punch and hurt me, etc.
I told him he has to get medical/psychological treatment and at least look for work in order to stay here. But he won't and is always filled with excuses.
I know he's just biding his time and stretching out the excuses. He has stolen $10 dollars from his brother, slapped me in the face, and more. I feel I am more a hostage of the drug court program as well as his behavior.
He scared me today by telling me he was dirty and had used, aka slammed dope. I panicked, cried, and begged me to come home.
I'm not sure what I'm most upset about....the fact that he is holding me hostage, the double edged sword of drug court, which constantly keeps me from doing what I would otherwise, just to keep him out of jail. At any rate, he, and his brother, have the nerve to get on my case for drinking beer. I am letting them drive me to drink. I just want ot blot everything out and sleep when he is here, and sometimes his brother.
I have made the mistake of takin gcare of them to make up for the past and now I am stressed beyond belief.
I feel I am a lousy parent, despite all I tried to do and did for them over the years. I don't want to be put on a pedastel and be denied the right to drink a beer now and then. Their heads are so full of crap that my ex and my mother induced upon them, that I feel I will never make up for the past.
Meanwhile, I feel like a slave to them,. No matter what I say and demand, they just don't do it. Now the frig is empty. They don't care.AS is going to girlfriends for wknd and younger son, who smokes weed regularly, is keeping away from house.
I want to help provide a stable home environment and care for them. but they are older and capable. I want them to get a job, but they don't.I am at my wits end. This is a problem both because of addiction, my enabling, and their refusal to grow up.
Iam trapped. I want the best for them and am trying to provid the basics so they can take off on their own......I feel we are all doomed, regardless of who's to blame.
Yet, despite what everyone here has said, and what perhaps I do know in my gut to be true, I can't just throw my son out, yet. I have told him he must seek therapy and trtmnt to help him control his anger to keep living here. I can't handle his outbursts and violence and self destructive behavior anymore. He has anger and resentments against me and continually holds it over my head.
He isn't interested in getting clean and sober. he just wants to get through and beat the court ordered program.
How many times have I wanted to call the PET team and even have, but then he runs. Yes, he is holding me hostage, with the everpresent threat that he will use again over my head.
I am not responsible for what he choosed to do, eve n if I seem harsh on him. Yet today he left and txted me telling me he used and implied it would be the 'last time'. did I panic......u betcha! I called his girlfrind, who was of no use and a friend of his, who did check on him and get back to me.
I don't know. this tough love is hard. I know I'm not equipped to deal with his anger, resentments, and actin out issues. Yet I'm reluctant to call the PET team (emerg. psychiatric response) because it will mess up his drug court program. However, I can't live with it anymore...his cutting himself with razors, putting dents and holes in my furniture, threatening to punch and hurt me, etc.
I told him he has to get medical/psychological treatment and at least look for work in order to stay here. But he won't and is always filled with excuses.
I know he's just biding his time and stretching out the excuses. He has stolen $10 dollars from his brother, slapped me in the face, and more. I feel I am more a hostage of the drug court program as well as his behavior.
He scared me today by telling me he was dirty and had used, aka slammed dope. I panicked, cried, and begged me to come home.
I'm not sure what I'm most upset about....the fact that he is holding me hostage, the double edged sword of drug court, which constantly keeps me from doing what I would otherwise, just to keep him out of jail. At any rate, he, and his brother, have the nerve to get on my case for drinking beer. I am letting them drive me to drink. I just want ot blot everything out and sleep when he is here, and sometimes his brother.
I have made the mistake of takin gcare of them to make up for the past and now I am stressed beyond belief.
I feel I am a lousy parent, despite all I tried to do and did for them over the years. I don't want to be put on a pedastel and be denied the right to drink a beer now and then. Their heads are so full of crap that my ex and my mother induced upon them, that I feel I will never make up for the past.
Meanwhile, I feel like a slave to them,. No matter what I say and demand, they just don't do it. Now the frig is empty. They don't care.AS is going to girlfriends for wknd and younger son, who smokes weed regularly, is keeping away from house.
I want to help provide a stable home environment and care for them. but they are older and capable. I want them to get a job, but they don't.I am at my wits end. This is a problem both because of addiction, my enabling, and their refusal to grow up.
Iam trapped. I want the best for them and am trying to provid the basics so they can take off on their own......I feel we are all doomed, regardless of who's to blame.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Vaya, hon...you are not trapped and you are not a hostage. You can get out of that situation when you decide to. As bad as it sounds there (and it sounds horrendous), you obviously haven't yet had enough. Your son isn't going to change just because you beg, plead, pray, cry, or anything else. He is going to continue to abuse you and your home as long as you allow him to stay there. I'm sorry, Vaya, but I just cringe when I read the awful things you write about this situation. I feel so badly for you, but I can't help you. No one can. YOU have to make the change happen. I sincerely hope that one day soon, you will do so. 
You titled this thread: "Not so sure kicking out AS is way to go." Why not? What way do YOU think is the way to go?
You titled this thread: "Not so sure kicking out AS is way to go." Why not? What way do YOU think is the way to go?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
This has been going on for a long time, many here have offered suggestions to help you... help your son. Thus far you have not agreed with or accepted anyones recommendations.
I too am sorry, however, if you continue to embrace this insanity nothing will change.
The only person keeping you trapped....is you.
I too am sorry, however, if you continue to embrace this insanity nothing will change.
The only person keeping you trapped....is you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
vaya,
has he done something that would send him to jail , as in using? I believe that jail would be safer, would be his consequence, and would maybe teach him something. he would not use there, at least most likely not, and would not be able to abuse you. and if you put him there, because of his breaking the law, he would think twice about doing it again.
what good is it doing him to NOT be in jail?
my heart goes out to you. but think of it, clearly. is it helping him NOT to be in jail? who does it benefit, for him to outsmart the law?
do what is right for you, and let him reap what he has sown, as it might be the only thing to get through his head. you do not deserve this. and you are not helping him. is he getting better in any way, with you taking care of this for him?
I do understand, believe me. and if my son was breaking the law, and deserved jail, I would gladly turn him in, and hope that he would learn that he cant do just whatever the heck he wanted to. that the world does not owe him anything.
can you get to any nar anon meetings? your drinking will maybe let you escape, but it is a double edged sword, as it won't make things better, it might postpone what you should be doing for yourself.
has he done something that would send him to jail , as in using? I believe that jail would be safer, would be his consequence, and would maybe teach him something. he would not use there, at least most likely not, and would not be able to abuse you. and if you put him there, because of his breaking the law, he would think twice about doing it again.
what good is it doing him to NOT be in jail?
my heart goes out to you. but think of it, clearly. is it helping him NOT to be in jail? who does it benefit, for him to outsmart the law?
do what is right for you, and let him reap what he has sown, as it might be the only thing to get through his head. you do not deserve this. and you are not helping him. is he getting better in any way, with you taking care of this for him?
I do understand, believe me. and if my son was breaking the law, and deserved jail, I would gladly turn him in, and hope that he would learn that he cant do just whatever the heck he wanted to. that the world does not owe him anything.
can you get to any nar anon meetings? your drinking will maybe let you escape, but it is a double edged sword, as it won't make things better, it might postpone what you should be doing for yourself.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
are you in AL ANON/Nar ANON? you will get tools to help you IF YOU WANT IT...but until then, YOU have not hit your rock BOTTOM yet...so why not in the mean time, go to a meeting?....
I am curious however, what is in this court order? is he allowed to drink or use? is he on curfew? is there money involved if he is NOT doing what the court order is saying?...I did call the police on my friend because he was not living up to the court order...and iwill be damned if i will be paying anyone for HIS ISSUES....(last time i will ever do that)
what guilt are you carrying?
I am curious however, what is in this court order? is he allowed to drink or use? is he on curfew? is there money involved if he is NOT doing what the court order is saying?...I did call the police on my friend because he was not living up to the court order...and iwill be damned if i will be paying anyone for HIS ISSUES....(last time i will ever do that)
what guilt are you carrying?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you for your responses. I do appreciate your candor. I know you are right. I don't know why it's so hard for me to follow through on his leaving. I am letting myself be manipulated here. The fact that my son keeps threatening to kill himself has a lot to do with my fear of getting him to leave.
I don't think he did use tonight. I later found out, after many inquiries that he went to his girlfriend's house and is there now.Whether or not he used he still wanted me to believe he did by texting me that he did and implied it would be fatal. He did that after I told him he has to get psychological treatment and look for a job as a condition of his staying here. I told him I can't take his behavior anymore. It's too much stress for me.Then he went off, cut his arm and hit the refrigerator and I told him to get out.
He continues to blame me for his behavior. He has cut himself with razor blades, hit himself in the face until he is bruised, put a dent in my new refrigerator, and is out of control.
You are right. I am crazy to let an out of control adult stay in my home.
I am codependent for acting this way. I am afraid he will kill himself, which is why I don't follow through.
I don't think he did use tonight. I later found out, after many inquiries that he went to his girlfriend's house and is there now.Whether or not he used he still wanted me to believe he did by texting me that he did and implied it would be fatal. He did that after I told him he has to get psychological treatment and look for a job as a condition of his staying here. I told him I can't take his behavior anymore. It's too much stress for me.Then he went off, cut his arm and hit the refrigerator and I told him to get out.
He continues to blame me for his behavior. He has cut himself with razor blades, hit himself in the face until he is bruised, put a dent in my new refrigerator, and is out of control.
You are right. I am crazy to let an out of control adult stay in my home.
I am codependent for acting this way. I am afraid he will kill himself, which is why I don't follow through.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by vaya 
I am afraid he will kill himself, which is why I don't follow through.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Vaya,
He really sounds like he needs some mental help. evalulation. if he is threatening to kill hisself, you can get him put into hospital for 72 hours, i believe, for eval. if you do, he might be mad, but likely he would not go off on them for he can'tmanipulate them, but if you dont do it, he will continue to do what he is doing, for it gets him to stay as it is. he probably knows he needs help. the cutting is a cry for help in my mind. he has real issues that should be addressed.
please call local mental health authorities, and see what your options are. i believe that he needs help, not necessarily thrown into the streets, but gotten some help for his issues, for it does seem they are serious enough to get help, professional help. neither you or he can or should go on this way.
hugs
chicory
He really sounds like he needs some mental help. evalulation. if he is threatening to kill hisself, you can get him put into hospital for 72 hours, i believe, for eval. if you do, he might be mad, but likely he would not go off on them for he can'tmanipulate them, but if you dont do it, he will continue to do what he is doing, for it gets him to stay as it is. he probably knows he needs help. the cutting is a cry for help in my mind. he has real issues that should be addressed.
please call local mental health authorities, and see what your options are. i believe that he needs help, not necessarily thrown into the streets, but gotten some help for his issues, for it does seem they are serious enough to get help, professional help. neither you or he can or should go on this way.
hugs
chicory
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
You know Vaya, I also felt I was a lousy parent whilst my son was living under my roof. For some or other reason, once I asked him to leave, that feeling left. Today I feel that I became a much better parent once I let him take responsibility for his actions.
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
You do not have to be a hostage in your home. You will become as sick as your son with the chaos. It took 5 years for my spouse and I to permantly ask our son to leave. The fear he would die on the streets held us hostage in our own home. As long as we were enabling him with a home, food, all the necessities in life he had no reason to look at his own recovery. Your son is cutting himself, he needs help. The chaos and abuse will not stop until he is out of your home. I know he is your son and you love him. Fear is holding you back. Of course he is blaming you most addict do it is easier for him to reflect the blame then to take responsibility for his actions. Please believe me when I tell you that as parent we have all felt that guilt, but know in your heart you can not control it, you did not cause this, nor can you cure it. Call the mental health authorities and remove him from your home. What helped us to remove our AS from our home is some one on this site once said " at the end of the day, do you believe you have done everything to help save your sons life" We were helping to keep him in his addiction. Yes he did go to jail for 4 months, thats 4 months clean time he had in. I knew he was safe. He now is living in a homeless shelter, we pray for him all the time. He has not hit his bottom yet, however we are recovering and I know if he were still in our home the same chaos would be destroying us. I pray you seek help for yourself and your son.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
vaya
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this in your home. Our homes should be our sanctuary where we can find peace and serenity.
I have five words on the white board on my refridgerator. Fear. Guilt. Pity. Shame. Anger. If my son is doing or saying things to make me feel any of those emotions, I am now able to recognize it as manipulation. And I know I have a choice. I can do something to help alleviate those feelings I'm having by praying and asking for my HP to give me some help in dealing with them, or I can allow myself to be manipulated.
My son also does the suicide threat and has for many years. My exhusband did the same thing. I walked away from my exhusband 28 years ago.....he's still alive. And my son is slowly killing himself with meth and I know that I have done everything I can to help him. It makes me overwhelmingly sad sometimes but I know that my being caught in the daily insanity of his disease would hurt my dear husband, my daughter, my mother, my brothers, my nieces and nephew, my grandson, my employees, my customers. I owe it to all of those people to be as healthy as I am able to be. But most of all....I owe it to myself.
My son is living on the streets of a neighboring city. He is using. There is currently a bench warrant for his arrest. He is messing up a deferral for a DUI. His life is on a spiral. I understand your fears....... but I have made the choice to turn my fear into faith. And you can make that choice too if/when you want to.
This disease makes us as sick as the addict......or sicker. You do have choices.
gentle hugs
ke
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this in your home. Our homes should be our sanctuary where we can find peace and serenity.
I have five words on the white board on my refridgerator. Fear. Guilt. Pity. Shame. Anger. If my son is doing or saying things to make me feel any of those emotions, I am now able to recognize it as manipulation. And I know I have a choice. I can do something to help alleviate those feelings I'm having by praying and asking for my HP to give me some help in dealing with them, or I can allow myself to be manipulated.
My son also does the suicide threat and has for many years. My exhusband did the same thing. I walked away from my exhusband 28 years ago.....he's still alive. And my son is slowly killing himself with meth and I know that I have done everything I can to help him. It makes me overwhelmingly sad sometimes but I know that my being caught in the daily insanity of his disease would hurt my dear husband, my daughter, my mother, my brothers, my nieces and nephew, my grandson, my employees, my customers. I owe it to all of those people to be as healthy as I am able to be. But most of all....I owe it to myself.
My son is living on the streets of a neighboring city. He is using. There is currently a bench warrant for his arrest. He is messing up a deferral for a DUI. His life is on a spiral. I understand your fears....... but I have made the choice to turn my fear into faith. And you can make that choice too if/when you want to.
This disease makes us as sick as the addict......or sicker. You do have choices.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
You did not cause his drug use, you can not control his drug use, you can not cure his drug use!! He has no right to accuse you of being his problem. But you have no right to accuse him of being the cause of your drinking. You say it upsets you that he blames you, as it does any parent, but you turn around and say you drink to escape him. You can't have it both ways. Noting is going to change with your son until something changes with you. I saw the biggest change in my son when I changed. The way I see it is the only thing you are doing for you son is holding the coffin lid open and saying "jump on in". When I faced the fact that my son was going to die no matter if he was in my home or not was when I decided that just because he was headed down that path didn't mean I had to help him along that path or watch him go that is when things changed. By the way my son is in his room sleeping clean and sober for now I hold no promise for tomorrow or even later today. But that is his choice.
I know the things I have said sound mean and I'm sorry for that but you have to change you before you can help him change himself. I'm not a great watcher of Dr. Phil but the one thing I do agree with is that when you don't do anything to change a situation it means you are getting something out of it. you need to ask yourself what you are getting out of this situation. Good luck my prayers are with you.
I know the things I have said sound mean and I'm sorry for that but you have to change you before you can help him change himself. I'm not a great watcher of Dr. Phil but the one thing I do agree with is that when you don't do anything to change a situation it means you are getting something out of it. you need to ask yourself what you are getting out of this situation. Good luck my prayers are with you.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Vaya, my daughter used to threaten to kill herself all the time. She even made several half-azzed attempts. She would cut up her arm and then come shove the bloody thing into my face saying...SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO??? She was 18 at the time.
I couldn't take it anymore, and after the last suicide attempt, I made her leave. It tore my heart out, but living with me obviously wasn't helping her and I never knew when I would come home from work to find her passed out from taking a bunch of pills. Neither one of us could live like that anymore and I knew that if she truly wanted to kill herself, living here wouldn't stop her. You know what? She never did kill herself. Today she is a normal, happy, functioning human being with a job and a fiance and is the picture of health.
Vaya, you aren't keeping your son safe or keeping him from killing himself by letting him continue to live in your home and terrorize and abuse you. You are letting him know that it's okay to continue that way because you won't do anything about it. I know for a fact that you don't love your son any more than I love my daughter, but you have to realize that at some point, your love is not helping, it is hindering; not only his well-being, but your own.
The past is the past and you can't make up for things that happened years ago by allowing yourself to be treated this way now. He is using guilt to intimidate you and keep you from standing up for yourself. I know how that feels, but hopefully you will come to realize that you do not have to live like that and he needs to get his shite together and the first step to all of that is removing him from your home.
I couldn't take it anymore, and after the last suicide attempt, I made her leave. It tore my heart out, but living with me obviously wasn't helping her and I never knew when I would come home from work to find her passed out from taking a bunch of pills. Neither one of us could live like that anymore and I knew that if she truly wanted to kill herself, living here wouldn't stop her. You know what? She never did kill herself. Today she is a normal, happy, functioning human being with a job and a fiance and is the picture of health.
Vaya, you aren't keeping your son safe or keeping him from killing himself by letting him continue to live in your home and terrorize and abuse you. You are letting him know that it's okay to continue that way because you won't do anything about it. I know for a fact that you don't love your son any more than I love my daughter, but you have to realize that at some point, your love is not helping, it is hindering; not only his well-being, but your own.
The past is the past and you can't make up for things that happened years ago by allowing yourself to be treated this way now. He is using guilt to intimidate you and keep you from standing up for yourself. I know how that feels, but hopefully you will come to realize that you do not have to live like that and he needs to get his shite together and the first step to all of that is removing him from your home.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I know for a fact that you don't love your son any more than I love my daughter, but you have to realize that at some point, your love is not helping, it is hindering; not only his well-being, but your own.
I left him with his father to go to Europe with my next mistake.
I tortured myself for years, and continued to drink.
Finally, as a teenager (senior in high school) he came to live with me when his dad died.
Tried everything to get him to stop using and finish school. Didnt work, he had to go because he was selling weed out of the house and the cops came for him.
After prison, and significant clean time, he came back. We set the rules together.
If I even suspected drug use, he was out. He agreed.
I found needles, and those spots on his hands with fresh blood. Geez!
While getting his few things, he said "You know Mom, you are the reason I am like this, because you abandoned me as a baby and you are doing it again (by throwing him out)!"
I told him "Richard, I love you and I always will, but right now you have to go. That was then and this is now. I cannot change the past, and I cannot make you stop slammin heroin."
He winced a little when I used the term, but he stopped trying to blame me.
What if you die tomorrow? Is your last day on earth going to be dictated by fear and anxiety?
Please never blame your choice to drink on your kids. It is your choice.
When I changed, everything changed. Let go, and let the boys really do it on their own.
Or, call the PET team when he threatens suicide, better he is angry rather than dead.
Beth
Oh yes, it was hard not to show emotion when he touched that guilty spot right next to my heart, but I managed to survive, and it made me stronger for whatever may happen next.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
I have held on this long because of guilt and fear. I believed I could help him, but I am beginning to see that I can't. I have been too involved with his issues and have tried to make him stop smoking spice, stop acting out, get a job, etc. I thought that if I made conditions he has to follow in order to stay here it would help. I have told him he has to get psychiatric help. He has taken medication before and is out of it and afraid to take it because it will mess up his drug court program. I told him to look for a job, even if a part time job, hoping it would help his esteem and give him the means to be independent. He says he's in no shape to get a job now. it has been 6 months now. He doesn't do much with himself except go on the computer, play video games, attends his required groups, shows up for drug testing, and does the required step work and writing he has to do. It kills me to see him like this, coupled with the cutting, tantrums, outbursts.
It is hard for a parent to see their child like this. It's not easy to throw them out on the street either. It's hard for me to accept the fact that my AS is really sick and not just from addiction. He has developed mental illness which really needs to be treated. I kept telling myself he will be ok if I just hold the line with him, but it doesn't help. I keep trying to make him deal with situations rather than melt down. I realize I have been to caught up in his illness and addiction and thinking I could change him and control his behavior. I need to learn to accept the fact that I can't change or cure him which is one of the biggest things in the way of my and his recovery.
I have called the PET team once before, but he ran off. If he isn't there for them to talk to they won't come out. I don't want the police involved either. Then it becomes a crime issue, not an issue of his mental health. I know if he does cut himself again and act out as he has I will have to call the team anyway. I do see that I am not helping him by living if fear of what will happen, rather than taking actions that can help him and me. I think I have also held back because I was blaming myself for his behavior when it happened in response to my yelling at him or getting on his case about what he needs to do.
As for kicking him out......I don't think it's fair to just kick him out without warning. I have told him that it is not working out anymore and that I can't live with the stress, anger, etc. and that he should see if he can get into the inpatient drug court program. He said that he would have to start all over again.I don't care. I am setting the stage and letting him know the time is coming. I want to be able to do it with detachment and not anger. He says he is sick of living here and sick of me and that he's looking for other places to stay.
Next week is his birthday. I am not throwing him out on his birthday. I will call for psych help if he acts out though.
Everyone says I should throw him out, report him to the police, etc but no one really explains the process or timelines. I don't know how much time to give him....a week or two? He has no money and no job. The program hasn't allowed him to work yet.
I will work on myself, read, and go to my Family Anonymous group and try to learn to detach and handle the situation withoug anger.
As for those of you who criticize me for coming back here with the same lament....that's what we codies do until we get it.
It is hard for a parent to see their child like this. It's not easy to throw them out on the street either. It's hard for me to accept the fact that my AS is really sick and not just from addiction. He has developed mental illness which really needs to be treated. I kept telling myself he will be ok if I just hold the line with him, but it doesn't help. I keep trying to make him deal with situations rather than melt down. I realize I have been to caught up in his illness and addiction and thinking I could change him and control his behavior. I need to learn to accept the fact that I can't change or cure him which is one of the biggest things in the way of my and his recovery.
I have called the PET team once before, but he ran off. If he isn't there for them to talk to they won't come out. I don't want the police involved either. Then it becomes a crime issue, not an issue of his mental health. I know if he does cut himself again and act out as he has I will have to call the team anyway. I do see that I am not helping him by living if fear of what will happen, rather than taking actions that can help him and me. I think I have also held back because I was blaming myself for his behavior when it happened in response to my yelling at him or getting on his case about what he needs to do.
As for kicking him out......I don't think it's fair to just kick him out without warning. I have told him that it is not working out anymore and that I can't live with the stress, anger, etc. and that he should see if he can get into the inpatient drug court program. He said that he would have to start all over again.I don't care. I am setting the stage and letting him know the time is coming. I want to be able to do it with detachment and not anger. He says he is sick of living here and sick of me and that he's looking for other places to stay.
Next week is his birthday. I am not throwing him out on his birthday. I will call for psych help if he acts out though.
Everyone says I should throw him out, report him to the police, etc but no one really explains the process or timelines. I don't know how much time to give him....a week or two? He has no money and no job. The program hasn't allowed him to work yet.
I will work on myself, read, and go to my Family Anonymous group and try to learn to detach and handle the situation withoug anger.
As for those of you who criticize me for coming back here with the same lament....that's what we codies do until we get it.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
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Originally Posted by vaya
Everyone says I should throw him out, report him to the police, etc but no one really explains the process or timelines. I don't know how much time to give him....a week or two? He has no money and no job. The program hasn't allowed him to work yet.
vaya, he's had how many months now to embrace this opportunity? You could give him two weeks but he'll do nothing about it because he has no reason to believe you're serious. If you're worried about him having shelter, call the PET team, call the police and ask where they'll send him, because he WILL be sent somewhere. Once YOU tell them your home is no longer an option for house arrest because you fear for your safety, they WILL send him somewhere. It might not be where you or he wants to go, but he'll have shelter and you'll be safe from abuse.
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