He loves drugs more than me. Why?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 59
He loves drugs more than me. Why?
I know I have to get over this failed marriage, protect my young daughter (from my previous relationship) and myself from any future hurt, and ultimately move forward with my new life. I have read 4 days worth of postings, some similar to my situation which is why I made the decision to join this site because I am so unsettled, hurt, and left without answers. Here's my story:
I dated my, now husband, back in high school. I went to college and we parted ways not without always catching up every few years. Finally 7 years later we found ourselves reunited, he explained to me on our first date that all I've heard over the years about drugs were long behind him except for pot, which he stopped smoking shortly into our relationship. I thought him coming back into my life was fate somehow, we were together 4 years and married 1 day today shy of 4 months. My husband is addicted to opiates, pills I'd imagine if not worse. 2 weeks ago, I was hit by a ton of bricks. I found out about his 3 week affair, 3 months of drug usage, stealing and pawning my and my family's property and cash, cashing paychecks that were supposed to support our mortgage and family. The missing paychecks caused me to investigate which is how i found out. I thought this relapse triggered by his bachelor party where I found 3 morphine pills, but come to find out he's been using for the last 6 months. He bought a lot on our honeymoon where its legal to buy any prescription pills and that's where the addiction got bad thousands of dollars missing and the affair started last month where he would say he's working overnights. Anyway, after he was kicked out with nothing, only the clothes on his back, he tried to work on us, he was excited to get help for his addiction plus me seeking "significant other" drug counseling , and get his family back (my daughter calls him daddy) lose contact with the mistress. He told me that it was exciting and that he did take drugs in front of her, that he had no plan in this, that he loved me, that he was never going to tell me about the drugs for fear of losing me. Because a few years ago he relapsed and I left him, he cleaned up, and we tried to work on things. So any other relapse would have been unforgivable. That lasted for one week, as soon as I started yelling, accusing, demanding, and venting, he started pulling back from me. Last week he left where he was staying to go back with this girl, who by-the-way apologized that she didn't know we were married and was done with him forever. But now must be feeding, supporting, clothing him.
I don't get it. Why would he give up a marriage, family, good job, home, friends? Why would he leave for someone he knows maybe at this point 1 month? He told me yesterday (first contact in a week) that he loves her and is going to be with her. How can he just fall out of love with me this fast? Why doesn't he want to speak with me? How did he allow himself to throw this all away and be so cold and callus behind it? He doesn't care about my hurt, my feelings? How could someone who was so perfect a couple of weeks ago have the ability to be so mean to his supposed love of his life? How does he get to be happy in a relationship so soon? Why me?
I dated my, now husband, back in high school. I went to college and we parted ways not without always catching up every few years. Finally 7 years later we found ourselves reunited, he explained to me on our first date that all I've heard over the years about drugs were long behind him except for pot, which he stopped smoking shortly into our relationship. I thought him coming back into my life was fate somehow, we were together 4 years and married 1 day today shy of 4 months. My husband is addicted to opiates, pills I'd imagine if not worse. 2 weeks ago, I was hit by a ton of bricks. I found out about his 3 week affair, 3 months of drug usage, stealing and pawning my and my family's property and cash, cashing paychecks that were supposed to support our mortgage and family. The missing paychecks caused me to investigate which is how i found out. I thought this relapse triggered by his bachelor party where I found 3 morphine pills, but come to find out he's been using for the last 6 months. He bought a lot on our honeymoon where its legal to buy any prescription pills and that's where the addiction got bad thousands of dollars missing and the affair started last month where he would say he's working overnights. Anyway, after he was kicked out with nothing, only the clothes on his back, he tried to work on us, he was excited to get help for his addiction plus me seeking "significant other" drug counseling , and get his family back (my daughter calls him daddy) lose contact with the mistress. He told me that it was exciting and that he did take drugs in front of her, that he had no plan in this, that he loved me, that he was never going to tell me about the drugs for fear of losing me. Because a few years ago he relapsed and I left him, he cleaned up, and we tried to work on things. So any other relapse would have been unforgivable. That lasted for one week, as soon as I started yelling, accusing, demanding, and venting, he started pulling back from me. Last week he left where he was staying to go back with this girl, who by-the-way apologized that she didn't know we were married and was done with him forever. But now must be feeding, supporting, clothing him.
I don't get it. Why would he give up a marriage, family, good job, home, friends? Why would he leave for someone he knows maybe at this point 1 month? He told me yesterday (first contact in a week) that he loves her and is going to be with her. How can he just fall out of love with me this fast? Why doesn't he want to speak with me? How did he allow himself to throw this all away and be so cold and callus behind it? He doesn't care about my hurt, my feelings? How could someone who was so perfect a couple of weeks ago have the ability to be so mean to his supposed love of his life? How does he get to be happy in a relationship so soon? Why me?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Why you? As hard as this is to hear, you are the lucky one with his moving on without you, taking his drug addiction and new relationship along with him.
You will never be first in his life as long as he is addicted--nor will this new relationship of his. She will have to deal with his addiction now. She is enabling him now--helping him and giving him cash--to support his habit and that's why he's turned his back on you. She'll get real tired of being used soon enough. When everyone gets out of his way, stops bailing him out, and lets him fall flat on his face--then and only then will he have a chance of recovery. So far he has found people to "fix" his problems for him so he can continue to use.
You will never be first in his life as long as he is addicted--nor will this new relationship of his. She will have to deal with his addiction now. She is enabling him now--helping him and giving him cash--to support his habit and that's why he's turned his back on you. She'll get real tired of being used soon enough. When everyone gets out of his way, stops bailing him out, and lets him fall flat on his face--then and only then will he have a chance of recovery. So far he has found people to "fix" his problems for him so he can continue to use.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 59
Thank you for your words, I guess somewhere deep down I know that I am lucky. Thank you for reaffirming that! I just feel so violated right now, everything I believed and everything I knew normal in life...gone. I really meant I do and forever.
You know, I didn't see it that way. He would run to her if she makes it easy verses me telling him to get clean. Thank you.
You know, I didn't see it that way. He would run to her if she makes it easy verses me telling him to get clean. Thank you.
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
Whyme,
There is no easy answer to your question, or I should say...no easy way to say it.
He is sick, addicts care about their drugs first before anything else. You are indeed lucky that he has left to be with someone else, I know that is painful to hear as you expierence it.
You asked how could someone be so perfect as of a few weeks ago, well from what you said...you left him a few years ago for a relapse, so this man was in no way perfect. This should almost be expected. This is what addicts do, they lie, they cheat, they think about themselves above all. I do say all of this gently to you as I know that you are hurting pretty bad. I have been there too in a simular situation. And let me tell you, my exafiance lost his first fiance and his baby son to his addiction, then he lost me and my son (who considered him a stepdad), then he went to prison for the last 5 years and STILL has been using.....what will it ever take for them to learn? Well, I dont know and I am tired of trying to figure it out. It is what it is, and that is all it is ever going to be...
I hope you can find some comfort here in SR. The words will not always be easy to hear, but know that we will be honest about them.
Take care of you and your child....
There is no easy answer to your question, or I should say...no easy way to say it.
He is sick, addicts care about their drugs first before anything else. You are indeed lucky that he has left to be with someone else, I know that is painful to hear as you expierence it.
You asked how could someone be so perfect as of a few weeks ago, well from what you said...you left him a few years ago for a relapse, so this man was in no way perfect. This should almost be expected. This is what addicts do, they lie, they cheat, they think about themselves above all. I do say all of this gently to you as I know that you are hurting pretty bad. I have been there too in a simular situation. And let me tell you, my exafiance lost his first fiance and his baby son to his addiction, then he lost me and my son (who considered him a stepdad), then he went to prison for the last 5 years and STILL has been using.....what will it ever take for them to learn? Well, I dont know and I am tired of trying to figure it out. It is what it is, and that is all it is ever going to be...
I hope you can find some comfort here in SR. The words will not always be easy to hear, but know that we will be honest about them.
Take care of you and your child....
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi whyme, and Welcome to SR!
I'm glad that you found us! You'll find lots of support and great information here. One of the hardest things to accept for those of us who love an addict is that they are not doing this "to us" or "at us", they are just doing what addicts do.
The primary relationship for any active addict is with their drug of choice (DOC). Everything and everyone else is secondary, and if a job or person get in the way, well, it is all left behind in pursuit of the next high.
Stick around, read through the threads, keep posting. It can get better!
HG
I'm glad that you found us! You'll find lots of support and great information here. One of the hardest things to accept for those of us who love an addict is that they are not doing this "to us" or "at us", they are just doing what addicts do.
The primary relationship for any active addict is with their drug of choice (DOC). Everything and everyone else is secondary, and if a job or person get in the way, well, it is all left behind in pursuit of the next high.
Stick around, read through the threads, keep posting. It can get better!
HG
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
If you stick around here very long and read up on addictions you'll see that each and every one of us on this forum have faced what you have faced in one way or the other. All the stories are different and similar at the same time.
I don't know what the future holds for you, but your husband might come crying and begging back to you when the other woman kicks him out. Be prepared. Get some help for yourself. Join an Al-Anon group. Even if he never comes back to you, you were in a relationship with a user and so to prevent that from ever happening again, or to see why it happened the first time, it would be wise to find out all you can to protect yourself in the future. That's where I am right now myself. Not with a spouse, but with a son in rehab. He has been away from home during his becoming an addict years so we didn't see him self destruct first hand. I believe he is truly on the road to recovery, but my husband and I are novices on how to conduct ourselves when he comes home. I don't want to be an enabler nor my husband. We are getting help for ourselves before our son comes home because ultimately we are only responsible for our own actions. We can't make our son do anything, but we are in control of what we do.
I don't know what the future holds for you, but your husband might come crying and begging back to you when the other woman kicks him out. Be prepared. Get some help for yourself. Join an Al-Anon group. Even if he never comes back to you, you were in a relationship with a user and so to prevent that from ever happening again, or to see why it happened the first time, it would be wise to find out all you can to protect yourself in the future. That's where I am right now myself. Not with a spouse, but with a son in rehab. He has been away from home during his becoming an addict years so we didn't see him self destruct first hand. I believe he is truly on the road to recovery, but my husband and I are novices on how to conduct ourselves when he comes home. I don't want to be an enabler nor my husband. We are getting help for ourselves before our son comes home because ultimately we are only responsible for our own actions. We can't make our son do anything, but we are in control of what we do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 59
Miss Tara - you're right, some of our memories were perfect, but I guess I was always aware deep down that he may relapse. I never educated myself on addiction and I never would have imagined that it would be this severe. I appreciate your honesty, and I'm sorry that you had to suffer like me, each post gives me a little more clarity. I'm glad I found SR.
hydrogirl, thank you for the welcome. Its tough to realize that he's doing what addicts do because I know him as a completely different man. I do and will accept that this is the road he chosen.
kmangel, thank you for your advice. I joined a one on one counseling program for spouses of addicts, my focus is on understanding the disease, healing, and never allowing myself to be in a position like this ever again. As a parent, I cannot imagine what you and your husband are going through and its great that you have found a group who can help and support you through your struggles. Thanks again, and best of luck to you.
hydrogirl, thank you for the welcome. Its tough to realize that he's doing what addicts do because I know him as a completely different man. I do and will accept that this is the road he chosen.
kmangel, thank you for your advice. I joined a one on one counseling program for spouses of addicts, my focus is on understanding the disease, healing, and never allowing myself to be in a position like this ever again. As a parent, I cannot imagine what you and your husband are going through and its great that you have found a group who can help and support you through your struggles. Thanks again, and best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Considering he was buying morphine pills on your honeymoon, legal or not, I'd say there was no "perfect" in the way things were.
I know it does not feel like it, but it's not personal. He's not doing this to you.
He's doing what addicts do, seek out the drug, lie, cheat, manipulate, and steal.
Take it from a long-term recovering addict, I can say you're blessed he found another hostage.
Addicts don't have partners; they take hostages.
Sending you gentle hugs from hot humid Kansas!
I know it does not feel like it, but it's not personal. He's not doing this to you.
He's doing what addicts do, seek out the drug, lie, cheat, manipulate, and steal.
Take it from a long-term recovering addict, I can say you're blessed he found another hostage.
Addicts don't have partners; they take hostages.
Sending you gentle hugs from hot humid Kansas!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 59
I have to say, joining and posting on SR was the best thing I ever did! I started out today feeling very low and now I feel empowered. Each response and perspective I've received thus far has allowed me to explore the real side of things for what it is. Keep the comments coming please!
Sadly, he needs help and I don't know he'll ever get or want it.
I know that I may not feel this strong every day, but to know that there are other people who have survived this will be a reminder. Thanks for the support!
Sadly, he needs help and I don't know he'll ever get or want it.
I know that I may not feel this strong every day, but to know that there are other people who have survived this will be a reminder. Thanks for the support!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. i am so sorry about the things you have gone through. i am glad he has left but i know it is hard on you & probley your daughter too.
why you? because he is an addict & because addiction is so very strong. read the sticky at the top of the forum page "what addicts do". it is so true. keep reading around & stay with us. there is so much to learn & so much support here. prayers,
why you? because he is an addict & because addiction is so very strong. read the sticky at the top of the forum page "what addicts do". it is so true. keep reading around & stay with us. there is so much to learn & so much support here. prayers,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by whyme123 
I have to say, joining and posting on SR was the best thing I ever did! I started out today feeling very low and now I feel empowered. Each response and perspective I've received thus far has allowed me to explore the real side of things for what it is. Keep the comments coming please!
Sadly, he needs help and I don't know he'll ever get or want it.
I know that I may not feel this strong every day, but to know that there are other people who have survived this will be a reminder. Thanks for the support!
Sadly, he needs help and I don't know he'll ever get or want it.
I know that I may not feel this strong every day, but to know that there are other people who have survived this will be a reminder. Thanks for the support!
I'm also the former wife of an addict, now deceased. He never did get recovery.
I can tell you there is life after the addiction, whether you're the addict, a loved one, or both like me!
I just graduated last month at the age of 53 with two associate degrees. Life is a beautiful thing if we're willing to take that leap to better things.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi,
Yes, I agree, start working on you, Alanon is a good starting point. Knowledge is power, the more you learn about addiction, the better you will be able to protect yourself and your child.
Addicts are very impulsive and great at conning and manipulating others. They will do most anything to get what they want, that includes crying, begging and making hollow promises, that they have no intention of keeping.
Keep reading, keep posting, we are here for you.
Yes, I agree, start working on you, Alanon is a good starting point. Knowledge is power, the more you learn about addiction, the better you will be able to protect yourself and your child.
Addicts are very impulsive and great at conning and manipulating others. They will do most anything to get what they want, that includes crying, begging and making hollow promises, that they have no intention of keeping.
Keep reading, keep posting, we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
whyme123
I want to join the others in welcoming you to SR. This is a wonderful source of support because each one of us has experienced the confusion, anger, anxiety, (and the list goes on) that loving an addict brings.
You've been reading posts for the last few days so you know what has helped most of us. We are all on the journey to heal from the fallout. The constant crisis du jour that addicts seem to propagate are exhausting to say the least.
I have found enormous relief in Naranon and Alanon. Reading anything I can get my hands on that helps to keep my thinking positive is critical to my daily mind set.
You've been through quite a trauma and it's sad that this is happening so soon after your marriage. But like all of us, you will survive and the suffering will stop as soon as you decide that it must.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
I want to join the others in welcoming you to SR. This is a wonderful source of support because each one of us has experienced the confusion, anger, anxiety, (and the list goes on) that loving an addict brings.
You've been reading posts for the last few days so you know what has helped most of us. We are all on the journey to heal from the fallout. The constant crisis du jour that addicts seem to propagate are exhausting to say the least.
I have found enormous relief in Naranon and Alanon. Reading anything I can get my hands on that helps to keep my thinking positive is critical to my daily mind set.
You've been through quite a trauma and it's sad that this is happening so soon after your marriage. But like all of us, you will survive and the suffering will stop as soon as you decide that it must.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: buffalo ny
Posts: 167
you're not alone
I will never understand why my husband chose cocaine over me, his children and grandchildren. NEVER. I am just trying to get myself to realize that I don't need to know the reason why for me to move on.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Lynchburg, VA
Posts: 4
YOu're not the only one, my husband is addicted to opiates, the cheating i'm not certain on, but he came to me and said he wanted to get help, and as far as i was concerned things were looking up. i found out a little while ago though that he's still using. He's been lying to my face about everything. I don't know why they do this stuff. He has 2 kids, a wife and a military career, and he's destroying all of them. Hang in there.
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
him being tanked on opiates and whatever else and abandoning his wife for some new chick, and being a total azz about it is not the same as being HAPPY. it's his brand of hell. so be it. good riddance. - Wow Anvil, that is very well said...I'm going to print it and post it on my wall of keepers...a good reminder/gut check!!!!
whyme, I'm sorry you are going through this. My exah's doc was opiates too...still is! I remember feeling in competition with his addiction. If only I could be compassionate enough, helpful enough, etc, etc, he would see I'm worth more than his drugs, and he would stop. How wrong I was!!! The truth? He didn't even see me. I could never be 'enough' because he was an active addict, and I wasn't the object of his desire, drugs were. You will hear it over and over, but don't take it personally, it's not about you, it's about the drugs.
I'm finally at the point in my life where I don't get pulled in by the undertow of his addiction, but its taken years and lots of reading through SR to get me there. Stay here, read the posts, listen to these wonderful ladies (& gentlemen). They know what they're talking about! I wish you the best!!
whyme, I'm sorry you are going through this. My exah's doc was opiates too...still is! I remember feeling in competition with his addiction. If only I could be compassionate enough, helpful enough, etc, etc, he would see I'm worth more than his drugs, and he would stop. How wrong I was!!! The truth? He didn't even see me. I could never be 'enough' because he was an active addict, and I wasn't the object of his desire, drugs were. You will hear it over and over, but don't take it personally, it's not about you, it's about the drugs.
I'm finally at the point in my life where I don't get pulled in by the undertow of his addiction, but its taken years and lots of reading through SR to get me there. Stay here, read the posts, listen to these wonderful ladies (& gentlemen). They know what they're talking about! I wish you the best!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 59
I definitely will stick around! I have re-read the posts and I'm sorry that each of you have had to suffer your own misery. I can't wait to be in such a good place that I can offer good advice.
Thank you all for your support and sharing your stories with me!
Bunzo, thank you for your words. If you can, get as much support and education as you possibly can. It has helped me wonders!
Freedom1990, congrats on the degrees! Its never too late to better yourself!
hope213: I not only read "what addicts do" I printed it and hung up on my mirror to read every day!
All of you are great ... hugs...
Thank you all for your support and sharing your stories with me!
Bunzo, thank you for your words. If you can, get as much support and education as you possibly can. It has helped me wonders!
Freedom1990, congrats on the degrees! Its never too late to better yourself!
hope213: I not only read "what addicts do" I printed it and hung up on my mirror to read every day!
All of you are great ... hugs...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Im so sorry that you are going through this pain. My husband abandoned me and my 3 year told in May. It is devastating. He is erradict. No money. Living with his who're. Calls randomly. Defaulted on divorce petition. It is so sad. I miss him and love him and hurt for him. But I can't do anything. I will never understand it. It helps to hear we are not alone. I think everyone is right. It is better he is gone. And try to focus on you and your child and getting you happy and healthy. Good luck. My thoughts are with you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Whyme,
Welcome to SR! Sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.
You actually answered your own question earlier in your post:
It's not her that he is "in love" with; it's the fact that he can use without apparent consequence with her as his crutch.
Pity him, pity her, and be clear that this situation is not a flash in the pan. Your husband likely has a whole lot of pain ahead of him before he gets to a place where he might be willing to become permanently clean.
Welcome to SR! Sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.
I don't get it. Why would he give up a marriage, family, good job, home, friends?
You actually answered your own question earlier in your post:
...and that he did take drugs in front of her...
It's not her that he is "in love" with; it's the fact that he can use without apparent consequence with her as his crutch.
Pity him, pity her, and be clear that this situation is not a flash in the pan. Your husband likely has a whole lot of pain ahead of him before he gets to a place where he might be willing to become permanently clean.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 59
Wow, haven't read my post in a while. In these two months I have learned so much about the actions of addicts. With the help of this site and therapy - I am starting to arm myself with the tools to regain my life! The rose colored glasses are off and even tho I have "relapsed" a few times, I refuse to tolerate his lies, manipulation, and bs.
Since June he has promised financial support (I'd be dead if I held my breath on that one) - asked to come home on the condition that he needed a couple months before he'd be home to sort his life out (oh yeah sure, cuz that's normal...really!) - retracted any declaration of love for the chick claiming he was living there because "she helped me" (I'm sure she did, help you work on your next high) - Had only 1 visitation with our daughter (next alternate weekend was MIA) - Calls as a sweet concerned person and the next minute won't even return a text!
I have learned not to be shaken by his actions, to actually expect the unexpected from him because that's what addicts do. I have finally reached the point where I am ready for no contact and to follow through with it (day 3!) because it's not healthy for my daughter and I. I am trying to find her a childrens therapist so nothing gets repressed and show up in later years. I still have a long road ahead and I'm sure there will be some unexpected events along the way - but I'm prepared!
Since June he has promised financial support (I'd be dead if I held my breath on that one) - asked to come home on the condition that he needed a couple months before he'd be home to sort his life out (oh yeah sure, cuz that's normal...really!) - retracted any declaration of love for the chick claiming he was living there because "she helped me" (I'm sure she did, help you work on your next high) - Had only 1 visitation with our daughter (next alternate weekend was MIA) - Calls as a sweet concerned person and the next minute won't even return a text!
I have learned not to be shaken by his actions, to actually expect the unexpected from him because that's what addicts do. I have finally reached the point where I am ready for no contact and to follow through with it (day 3!) because it's not healthy for my daughter and I. I am trying to find her a childrens therapist so nothing gets repressed and show up in later years. I still have a long road ahead and I'm sure there will be some unexpected events along the way - but I'm prepared!
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