is it really possible?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Bel Air, MD
Posts: 16
PacificSunrise: How do you feel now 2 mos later? I'm still going through all kinds of different emotions. The other morning I was really sad & crying in the shower because it was in my head that one lousy, evil pill--oxycontin--stole my dreams, my future, my happiness & wrecked my life all because he chose to get high. (The day before this--I had a good day).
My ex has moved on. Is he still using? Did he get clean for her? Can he remember anything from our years together? Does he remember ever loving me since oxycontin, etc. makes a person incable of love? (I really wish I'd known that) I'm still trying to forgive--I know I have to--but I can't help but pray that he gets a gray or white hair for every bad deed he ever did to me and/or my family, and that he gets flashbacks. I read somewhere where a clean addict will get flashbacks. And I pray that I haunt his dreams!
Sigh...maybe tomorrow I'll be in a lighter mood. I'm getting better but the hurt still comes...He doesn't deserve to be happy after everything he put me through! And then again, I have to forgive.. Spiritually I know this!!
My ex has moved on. Is he still using? Did he get clean for her? Can he remember anything from our years together? Does he remember ever loving me since oxycontin, etc. makes a person incable of love? (I really wish I'd known that) I'm still trying to forgive--I know I have to--but I can't help but pray that he gets a gray or white hair for every bad deed he ever did to me and/or my family, and that he gets flashbacks. I read somewhere where a clean addict will get flashbacks. And I pray that I haunt his dreams!
Sigh...maybe tomorrow I'll be in a lighter mood. I'm getting better but the hurt still comes...He doesn't deserve to be happy after everything he put me through! And then again, I have to forgive.. Spiritually I know this!!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by pacificsunrise 
is it really possible that i have spend last 13 years of my life cherishing and believing in person that never even existed?
is it really possible that i never knew the "real" him? is it possible that this wonderful man that i married is not wonderful at all, but rather someone who's only out for himself, someone who is willing to manipulate me out of my right mind and not even feel an ounce of remorse?
is it really possible that he doesn't even care about me after all these years? does he not see how much is he hurting me? does he not love me as much as i love him?
who is this person, that professes his love in one minute, just to be able to turn cold as stone the next? where did he come from?
have all these years been a big lie? have all these years been wasted caring for someone incapable of loving and caring back in return?
i know that nobody really can answer these questions for me, but me in due time, but i was wondering how many of you guys have been asking yourself similar questions.
thank you for your replies in advance.
is it really possible that i never knew the "real" him? is it possible that this wonderful man that i married is not wonderful at all, but rather someone who's only out for himself, someone who is willing to manipulate me out of my right mind and not even feel an ounce of remorse?
is it really possible that he doesn't even care about me after all these years? does he not see how much is he hurting me? does he not love me as much as i love him?
who is this person, that professes his love in one minute, just to be able to turn cold as stone the next? where did he come from?
have all these years been a big lie? have all these years been wasted caring for someone incapable of loving and caring back in return?
i know that nobody really can answer these questions for me, but me in due time, but i was wondering how many of you guys have been asking yourself similar questions.
thank you for your replies in advance.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 29
After 13 years , I thought I knew my fiance good enough. I thougt we where soul mates, kindered spirits. I never hid anything from her. I was always open and honest with her. I didnt know anything about Opiates. I thought you could tell someone on drugs. I couldnt! I thought something was wrong but I didnt think drugs. She never said anything , didnt confide in me. She passed away from an OD last November. I feel so disconnected! I cant believe somone I loved that long could hide something so destructive. I hope to forgive her and myself someday.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by MichealR
After 13 years , I thought I knew my fiance good enough. I thougt we where soul mates, kindered spirits. I never hid anything from her. I was always open and honest with her. I didnt know anything about Opiates. I thought you could tell someone on drugs. I couldnt! I thought something was wrong but I didnt think drugs. She never said anything , didnt confide in me. She passed away from an OD last November. I feel so disconnected! I cant believe somone I loved that long could hide something so destructive. I hope to forgive her and myself someday.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 34
Pacific,
My heart goes out to you and the pain that you are going through. I have asked myself those same questions many times in the last three months since I found out my ex was an addict. In one of the letters that he has written me since then he says that I am wrong for throwing his past (referring to his drug addiction) in his face. The truth is its not his past, his addiction landed him in the hospital in March of this year. He has never admitted to being an addict, or even told me how long he has been on drugs, but that is not even important anymore. It is very hard to deal with these questions. You wonder if your relationship was all a lie, if he ever loved you etc. I am glad that Thailand posted not to take this as a misjudgement of character on your part. I went down that road with it and I am now questioning my judgement on everything and everyone.
I think that the best thing to do is to take it as slow as you have to, and try not to answer all the questions as one time. You are dealing with alot already so be kind to yourself. Its normal to want to look for someone to blame and its not you. I emotionally beat myself up for this in the beginning. I was so shocked that someone could do this to me, let alone the man I loved. How could he after almost six years do this to me. Needless to say I knew nothing about drugs and drug use. I am learning and have learned quite abit thanks to the love and support I have received here. Although we all have inner circles of family and friends I feel like here I feel like people "really get it" and they don't offer foolish advice. Not saying that my inner circle is full of idiots but some things you really have to live through to get. I am learning that in all of this.
Anyway we are here for you if/when you need us.
Hugs to you
My heart goes out to you and the pain that you are going through. I have asked myself those same questions many times in the last three months since I found out my ex was an addict. In one of the letters that he has written me since then he says that I am wrong for throwing his past (referring to his drug addiction) in his face. The truth is its not his past, his addiction landed him in the hospital in March of this year. He has never admitted to being an addict, or even told me how long he has been on drugs, but that is not even important anymore. It is very hard to deal with these questions. You wonder if your relationship was all a lie, if he ever loved you etc. I am glad that Thailand posted not to take this as a misjudgement of character on your part. I went down that road with it and I am now questioning my judgement on everything and everyone.
I think that the best thing to do is to take it as slow as you have to, and try not to answer all the questions as one time. You are dealing with alot already so be kind to yourself. Its normal to want to look for someone to blame and its not you. I emotionally beat myself up for this in the beginning. I was so shocked that someone could do this to me, let alone the man I loved. How could he after almost six years do this to me. Needless to say I knew nothing about drugs and drug use. I am learning and have learned quite abit thanks to the love and support I have received here. Although we all have inner circles of family and friends I feel like here I feel like people "really get it" and they don't offer foolish advice. Not saying that my inner circle is full of idiots but some things you really have to live through to get. I am learning that in all of this.
Anyway we are here for you if/when you need us.
Hugs to you
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Pacific,
I understand your feelings and am having a lot of them myself. In my situation, I realize that my husband presented a picture of who I wanted to see in order to establish a relationship with me. Once that occurred, nothing felt familiar anymore. Anytime I was ready to leave him there would be flickers of the man that I thought that I was with.
Finally, I realized that I did know him - only it was the real him and not my illusions, hopes, and dreams. I always have wanted someone to love me, believe in me, and not give up on me or our relationship. So, what did I do? I gave exactly what I wanted....and then some. The big mistake was that I committed to someone that didn't want the same things. My husband wanted someone to love him, believe in in, and would not give up on him and our relationship. There I was giving and there he was getting. I gave to receive and that was manipulative on my part. Addicts and co-addicts sure do have a way of finding one another.
One other thing, I see the world so differently than my husband. I can't fathom how he approaches life and so therefore, it didn't really cross my mind that someone could actually be like that. While we were together, I didn't know him - but mainly because I wouldn't allow myself to believe the signs that I was seeing. He "told" me who he was all along....I just chose not to look, make up excuses, and explain it all away. The times that I thought that I knew my husband he was actually playing me....doing what it took to keep me in the game. Now that I am away from him for the last month I am beginning to see who it really was that I was with....
It's crazy making to go through experiences like this. Hope that today will be one of the good days for you.
I understand your feelings and am having a lot of them myself. In my situation, I realize that my husband presented a picture of who I wanted to see in order to establish a relationship with me. Once that occurred, nothing felt familiar anymore. Anytime I was ready to leave him there would be flickers of the man that I thought that I was with.
Finally, I realized that I did know him - only it was the real him and not my illusions, hopes, and dreams. I always have wanted someone to love me, believe in me, and not give up on me or our relationship. So, what did I do? I gave exactly what I wanted....and then some. The big mistake was that I committed to someone that didn't want the same things. My husband wanted someone to love him, believe in in, and would not give up on him and our relationship. There I was giving and there he was getting. I gave to receive and that was manipulative on my part. Addicts and co-addicts sure do have a way of finding one another.
One other thing, I see the world so differently than my husband. I can't fathom how he approaches life and so therefore, it didn't really cross my mind that someone could actually be like that. While we were together, I didn't know him - but mainly because I wouldn't allow myself to believe the signs that I was seeing. He "told" me who he was all along....I just chose not to look, make up excuses, and explain it all away. The times that I thought that I knew my husband he was actually playing me....doing what it took to keep me in the game. Now that I am away from him for the last month I am beginning to see who it really was that I was with....
It's crazy making to go through experiences like this. Hope that today will be one of the good days for you.
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
this will always be who he is unless he himself wants to change. - I feel the same way about my exah. I think he was who he was from the beginning, but I just couldn't or wouldn't believe it for myself. After I sold our house, I found some of my old writings where I expressed my frustration in his behavior...this was after only six months of dating. So for me there were red flags...I was seeing my exah for who he was, I just refused to believe it. So I made excuse after excuse to justify his behavior; which allowed me to stay in the dysfunction. The excuses weren't for him, they were for me.
After our divorce, it was a stunning revelation to me that I could be with someone over ten years and not know who they were. I looked at him one day and said, "Do I even know you? The real you?" To which he responded, "No." And that was the truth; I had shared a home and kids and a life with a total stranger. How does that happen? I couldn't fathom it at the time.
Today I have a saying that I live by written by Maya Angelou: When someone first shows you who they are, believe them.
It is a mantra I play in my head when I interact with people...helps me to keep my boundaries solid and recognize things as they truly are.
Your questions are good ones...many I've asked myself over and over again. And while I'm sorry your experiencing this pain, it's a good thing to be exploring these issues...even when it hurts. It's in the answer that you will experience the freedom to overcome!
After our divorce, it was a stunning revelation to me that I could be with someone over ten years and not know who they were. I looked at him one day and said, "Do I even know you? The real you?" To which he responded, "No." And that was the truth; I had shared a home and kids and a life with a total stranger. How does that happen? I couldn't fathom it at the time.
Today I have a saying that I live by written by Maya Angelou: When someone first shows you who they are, believe them.
It is a mantra I play in my head when I interact with people...helps me to keep my boundaries solid and recognize things as they truly are.
Your questions are good ones...many I've asked myself over and over again. And while I'm sorry your experiencing this pain, it's a good thing to be exploring these issues...even when it hurts. It's in the answer that you will experience the freedom to overcome!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Sulphur, LA
Posts: 49
I know what you are talking about. I have been married for 9 years and wonder where the person I married has gone. He loved me and my kids he even adopted my youngest. He was wonderful. I don't know where that person has went and I try to understand. I ask myself everyday how things could go so terrribly wrong and if the person I am with now was the true man I married. Now all we have is chaos in our life. One minute he can be loving and tell you how much you mean to him and the next he tells you he hates you. It's like living with two different people. I have not figuared out what triggered this and probably never will and I guess it really doesn't matter anyway.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
The only conclusion is that: addicts are complete sociopathic narcissists. It's very hard to detect when you live with them day to day.
I been reading biographies of alcoholic writers. I'm curious why someone would put the concept of "creating art" above ALL else; above their own health, above their relationship with their spouse and children. I've concluded that the goal of "creating art" is just a ruse to justify their selfish behavior. They make a god, a deity, out of this goal.
Here's a good article by Stephen King, reviewing a biography of the writer Raymond Chandler. Most of the article King discusses the complete devotion Chandler's 1st wive gave the writer, how she worked while he drank (and sometimes wrote). How she did everything, and he built up his reputation. Then, at the very time he became famous, he left his wife and children for someone else, didn't send money, etc.
Carver provided transportation on their twice-weekly booze runs. They liked to arrive at the liquor store just as the clerk was unlocking for the day. Cheever noted in his journal that Carver was “a very kind man.” He was also an irresponsible boozehound who habitually ran out on the check in restaurants, even though he must have known it was the waitress who had to pay the bill for such dine-and-dash customers. His wife, after all, often waited tables to support him.
Raymond Carver’s Life and Stories - Review - NYTimes.com
It's simply amazing to me how people can be so self-centered. They truly have some warped, twisted thinking to rationalize their actions.
I been reading biographies of alcoholic writers. I'm curious why someone would put the concept of "creating art" above ALL else; above their own health, above their relationship with their spouse and children. I've concluded that the goal of "creating art" is just a ruse to justify their selfish behavior. They make a god, a deity, out of this goal.
Here's a good article by Stephen King, reviewing a biography of the writer Raymond Chandler. Most of the article King discusses the complete devotion Chandler's 1st wive gave the writer, how she worked while he drank (and sometimes wrote). How she did everything, and he built up his reputation. Then, at the very time he became famous, he left his wife and children for someone else, didn't send money, etc.
Carver provided transportation on their twice-weekly booze runs. They liked to arrive at the liquor store just as the clerk was unlocking for the day. Cheever noted in his journal that Carver was “a very kind man.” He was also an irresponsible boozehound who habitually ran out on the check in restaurants, even though he must have known it was the waitress who had to pay the bill for such dine-and-dash customers. His wife, after all, often waited tables to support him.
Raymond Carver’s Life and Stories - Review - NYTimes.com
It's simply amazing to me how people can be so self-centered. They truly have some warped, twisted thinking to rationalize their actions.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
good evening everyone,
i just wanted to say thank you all for taking the time to respond to my thread. i don't have a computer at my apartment, so it is making it hard to post on a regular basis.
Scoots826,
in response to your question about how i feel now. i still feel pretty much the same. still going through the motions. still having to get up every morning and convince myself that i have made the right decision. i still think about him and all the issues almost throughout each day.
it is work in progress. i am still hanging on to hope, not sure if i should, but i'm hoping that he will get help and realize the trouble that he is in.
i haven't really moved on, i just have put some distance in between us.
so, i am still basically going through the motions. we'll see what happens next.
thank you for your response.
i really appreciate everyone's kind thoughts and encouragement and just wanted to thank each and everyone of you.
i just wanted to say thank you all for taking the time to respond to my thread. i don't have a computer at my apartment, so it is making it hard to post on a regular basis.
Scoots826,
in response to your question about how i feel now. i still feel pretty much the same. still going through the motions. still having to get up every morning and convince myself that i have made the right decision. i still think about him and all the issues almost throughout each day.
it is work in progress. i am still hanging on to hope, not sure if i should, but i'm hoping that he will get help and realize the trouble that he is in.
i haven't really moved on, i just have put some distance in between us.
so, i am still basically going through the motions. we'll see what happens next.
thank you for your response.
i really appreciate everyone's kind thoughts and encouragement and just wanted to thank each and everyone of you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Bel Air, MD
Posts: 16
Vent: To my ex-addicted-fiance: Time is going on...I still feel the pain, I still miss your dumb a** sometimes, found out I still love you even after the bitterness & anger has faded....but remember the craziness....your drug-fueled, self-inflicted narcissitic, sociopathic, and bi-polar personality. Funny---I remember when you swore up and down that I snored terribly...You said it was keeping you awake, so bad that a couple of nights you would jolt me awake four or five times throughout the night until I cried at your meanness & helplessness that I snored so terribly. I realize now that you were retaliating against me for waking you because of your drug withdrawal leg kicks or you just couldn't sleep - period - because of your withdrawals. I realize now it was just another hateful symptom from you from your withdrawals from those effin' oxy pills. I took a trip with my best friend - double beds in hotel room--warned her I was told by you that I snore loudly. You know what she said? (And my best friend would tell me if I was having a crappy hair day, mind you) she said that it sounds like a kitten purring is all. Took a road trip with my Mom and my aunt, they said I didn't snore loud at all. Slept in the same room with my cousin when all of my relatives got together at my aunt's. I timidly told my cousin before we went to sleep that she might hear me snoring loudly & I apologize ahead of time....she never heard me snore.... Now I have a new lover, you s.o.b. - & just to be sure that everyone wasn't just being nice & saying I didn't snore - I "warned" him before we spent the night together that I've been told I snore terribly & loudly. Well, guess what, you drug-addicted s.o.b. - he used the words that it sounds like a kitten purring, too..... Yeah--I have a new MAN now.....he's helping to ease the pain....he's a nice distraction....and I may even erase you with him eventually....who knows?? But one thing I do know is that in your drug-fueled, self-inflicted narcissistic, sociopathic & bi-polared you damaged me in so many ways...made me feel crazy....made me question if something was wrong with me.....(I almost went to the dr to have my snoring checked, remember that????). This may seem trivial to outsiders who haven't dealt with someone close to them being addicted to opiates - but it's just one gallon of water being poured over a rock constantly until we all got worn down........there was much more water.... If I could even look at you or speak to you, which I cannot, I'd love to throw this up in your face & maybe even slap you--you s.o.b.!! You made me cry, you made me afraid to take a trip with someone because they might hear my awful snoring!! And, yes, I'm trying to forgive...I'm trying to remember it was THE DRUGS.....but it was so damaging...Well, guess what? I like my sweet, thoughtful & sexy new man....He's got you beat by a mile... You can keep your new love who you can use up (I know your motives) and I'm starting to heal, little by little......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
Scoots826,
good for you!!!!! i am so glad to hear that you have moved on with your life in a positive direction. also, sorry to hear all the crap that you have been put through. and you are right, they are so damaging to us. i still second guess myself all the time even over the smallest, insignificant things. always having to double check to make sure that i'm right even though i already know that i am.
still haven't forgotten all the "mental illnesses" that i have according to my AH. "illnesses" that he has diagnosed himself and have never been "discovered" by any health professional. and to think that i actually believed him and thought that something was really wrong with me.
i can totally relate to what you are talking about.
congratulations on having the courage to start over with someone new. it seems simple, but i know that it takes a lot of guts to overcome everything and be brave to love again.
hugs and prayers. stay strong and remember that your past does not determine your future.
good for you!!!!! i am so glad to hear that you have moved on with your life in a positive direction. also, sorry to hear all the crap that you have been put through. and you are right, they are so damaging to us. i still second guess myself all the time even over the smallest, insignificant things. always having to double check to make sure that i'm right even though i already know that i am.
still haven't forgotten all the "mental illnesses" that i have according to my AH. "illnesses" that he has diagnosed himself and have never been "discovered" by any health professional. and to think that i actually believed him and thought that something was really wrong with me.
i can totally relate to what you are talking about.
congratulations on having the courage to start over with someone new. it seems simple, but i know that it takes a lot of guts to overcome everything and be brave to love again.
hugs and prayers. stay strong and remember that your past does not determine your future.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Bel Air, MD
Posts: 16
Thanks, Pacific Sunrise. And I mean that. You told me to remember "it's the drugs" when I was dealing with so much... I said those words to myself when the hurt was too much over & over. So again, I thank you!
Yes, I understand what you mean about second guessing yourself. (Apparently!
Keep remembering it was HIM, not you!! This is part of the crushed self-esteem we were left with. I hate it! I have to fight that all of the time. I'm sorry you're still dealing with it, too.
I'm still dealing with a son with the problem. Hate to go home sometimes.....that nasty personality....Got to get thru this. His father got him hooked on percocets & more. My other son, well, my heart has been broken....he got into a fight with his father (same man/abusive) last year & fought back but fought too hard & he's got some jail time even though his dad had 4 drugs in his system at the time. (His sister is in tight with our court system here--she works in it) So I "lost" him & my ex all within a couple of months. Not to mention my other son...he's lost in that way, too, though he lives with me now since this all happened. I just found out my favorite aunt has Stage 3 lung cancer..... I can't take anymore bad. I fight every day to get out of bed. But I'm doing it. My baby granddaughter helps with that! Thanks for my friends and family!!
Yes--and the new man helps with that self-esteem issue! He's a nice distraction & something to look forward to. But I'm still hurting while I'm healing... It's nice having someone be nice to me & pay attention to me. The first time he did something extra thoughtful I starting tearing up. Boy--hated to explain that one. (Someone's being nice to me so I start to cry--waaa!! LOL!)
But best of all, he's a childhood friend who knew me "pre-___" (insert ex-addicted fiance's name in there). I never thought in a million years I'd hook up with one of the guys I grew up with b/c we were such good friends. But it's peaceful & sweet & he knew ME from years ago. Before this mess. That feels so good to me. He's patient with me... silly things like me being unable to make decisions alot these days..he's compassionate....
It's been a helluva rollarcoaster ride this past year! Take care!! Be true to yourself.
Yes, I understand what you mean about second guessing yourself. (Apparently!
Keep remembering it was HIM, not you!! This is part of the crushed self-esteem we were left with. I hate it! I have to fight that all of the time. I'm sorry you're still dealing with it, too. I'm still dealing with a son with the problem. Hate to go home sometimes.....that nasty personality....Got to get thru this. His father got him hooked on percocets & more. My other son, well, my heart has been broken....he got into a fight with his father (same man/abusive) last year & fought back but fought too hard & he's got some jail time even though his dad had 4 drugs in his system at the time. (His sister is in tight with our court system here--she works in it) So I "lost" him & my ex all within a couple of months. Not to mention my other son...he's lost in that way, too, though he lives with me now since this all happened. I just found out my favorite aunt has Stage 3 lung cancer..... I can't take anymore bad. I fight every day to get out of bed. But I'm doing it. My baby granddaughter helps with that! Thanks for my friends and family!!
Yes--and the new man helps with that self-esteem issue!
He's a nice distraction & something to look forward to. But I'm still hurting while I'm healing... It's nice having someone be nice to me & pay attention to me. The first time he did something extra thoughtful I starting tearing up. Boy--hated to explain that one. (Someone's being nice to me so I start to cry--waaa!! LOL!) But best of all, he's a childhood friend who knew me "pre-___" (insert ex-addicted fiance's name in there). I never thought in a million years I'd hook up with one of the guys I grew up with b/c we were such good friends. But it's peaceful & sweet & he knew ME from years ago. Before this mess. That feels so good to me. He's patient with me... silly things like me being unable to make decisions alot these days..he's compassionate....
It's been a helluva rollarcoaster ride this past year! Take care!! Be true to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Bel Air, MD
Posts: 16
P.S. Pacific Sunrise: My worst heartache is my son who's in jail. I could talk about my situation with and heartache with my ex-addicted fiance, but until now, I couldn't mention my son (the one who's in jail). Too heartbreaking!! This is the worst!! I just couldn't speak about it until today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
Thank you Scoots826.
i am so sorry to hear your story. i don't have a computer at home, so sometimes i take a bit longer to respond. i just read your reply and my heart goes out to you. such a mess to be created by just one person's addiction. sorry to hear about your son in jail. once again, another proof that it seems like the innocent ones always pay the price.
i understand what you mean about tearing up when someone does nice things to you. it happened to me too many times, too. it is so hard for us to believe that we do deserve nice things just like anyone else.
i am sad about your situation. i can see you doing the best that you can at the moment. stay strong. this too, shall pass, as they say. i know that your granddaughter is helping you. it is amazing how little kids can pick us up out of our abyss and just lift our spirits with one little smile.
stay strong and positive as much as you can. as long as you're putting one foot in front of the other, you're making progress. keep on pressing and the hard times will eventually have to pass. you have been dealt a tough hand with so many family members in a bad place.
stay strong. my prayers are with you and your family. hugs.
i am so sorry to hear your story. i don't have a computer at home, so sometimes i take a bit longer to respond. i just read your reply and my heart goes out to you. such a mess to be created by just one person's addiction. sorry to hear about your son in jail. once again, another proof that it seems like the innocent ones always pay the price.
i understand what you mean about tearing up when someone does nice things to you. it happened to me too many times, too. it is so hard for us to believe that we do deserve nice things just like anyone else.
i am sad about your situation. i can see you doing the best that you can at the moment. stay strong. this too, shall pass, as they say. i know that your granddaughter is helping you. it is amazing how little kids can pick us up out of our abyss and just lift our spirits with one little smile.
stay strong and positive as much as you can. as long as you're putting one foot in front of the other, you're making progress. keep on pressing and the hard times will eventually have to pass. you have been dealt a tough hand with so many family members in a bad place.
stay strong. my prayers are with you and your family. hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
I'm the mother of an AS. A couple of years ago (he was a full-blown addict by then) he met a gal and they are now a couple. I can see that this young woman only knows my son as an addict. To her he is a complete adult. To me, he is a zombie-like, foggy-thinking, unethical, immature, boy-acting type individual whose coping skills are very limited. He has less coping skills now than he did when he was 12 years old.
My observations and realizations from the mother relationship makes me realize that my knowledge of my now ex-husband and my own father were as my son's girlfriend are now.
My observations and realizations from the mother relationship makes me realize that my knowledge of my now ex-husband and my own father were as my son's girlfriend are now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 11
it sounds to me that "this" man that you are talking about is the disease doing the talking, not actually the man...my husband could spit fire out of his mouth when he was using and not just when he was under the influence...it was actually the opposite...under the influence he was considerate, loving (bizarre right?) over my 13 years i began to see the difference between the "addict" and the man and eventually came to separate the two...that made my life much easier...i never faulted him for his addiction, i faulted him for knowing and choosing to not doing anything about it...the day he decided to check in to a treatment facility i was going to pick up separation papers...i chose to stay, i chose to do a 180 and be supportive knowing the demise of my marriage was a true possibility even with sobriety...i went to the family program that the facility offered and that was my saving grace...the education on the disease alone helped me more than anything else has...i am a logical person and the education put the disease itself into logical perspective...
i wouldn't say my story is a success story, but maybe a work in progress story...my husband has 60 days sober, today...he went to a treatment facility and surrendered himself to the process (took a minute)...we are WORKING on it...minute by minute, day by day...it's hard...it's really hard...i don't know this man...he hasn't been sober since we've been together (13 years)...i truly can't convey just how hard it is...he's working his program and i'm working mine...what i can say though is that our worst day now (with him sober) is by far better than our best day when he was using and that gives me hope...
Originally Posted by StPeteGrad
I too am curious if there are success stories in marriage after sobriety.
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