pacificsunrise

is it really possible that i have spend last 13 years of my life cherishing and believing in person that never even existed?

is it really possible that i never knew the "real" him? is it possible that this wonderful man that i married is not wonderful at all, but rather someone who's only out for himself, someone who is willing to manipulate me out of my right mind and not even feel an ounce of remorse?

is it really possible that he doesn't even care about me after all these years? does he not see how much is he hurting me? does he not love me as much as i love him?

who is this person, that professes his love in one minute, just to be able to turn cold as stone the next? where did he come from?

have all these years been a big lie? have all these years been wasted caring for someone incapable of loving and caring back in return?

i know that nobody really can answer these questions for me, but me in due time, but i was wondering how many of you guys have been asking yourself similar questions.

thank you for your replies in advance.

thailand

I've been asking those same question for ages and I wish I could tell you that I've figured out the answer. On the one hand, it seems impossible that I could had been with someone for 7 years only to find out that he was someone completely different than who I thought I knew and loved. But my exAH did exactly what you describe, so it's very, very hard to believe that I ever really knew him. The person that I fell in love with would NEVER have treated me like this. But he did...

It's incredibly sad and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. The best advice I can give you is to not take this as an indication of your ability to judge a person. There are lots and lots of good people out there, and the fact that he has you wondering who he really is has nothing to do with you having impaired judgement.

pacificsunrise

thank you so much thailand for your reply.

it is just a hard truth to swallow, but time helps with anything. i'm still trying to get a grasp on this and like you said some things will never be answered.

once again thank you for the encouragement.

hugs and prayers.

newnormal4me

Well, I ask myself these things often. The reality is not that you didn't know him, but that he has changed. He is a different person now and likely will never be the person you once knew. That is the part that kills me. My AH was a great guy...truly...so accepting that this new person is who he is now is a sucker punch. But, the truth is that by asking yourself these questions you are finally starting to realize what has gone on before your eyes. A step towards acceptance I guess.

I have fought a long, hard battle with my AH. I was naive. I thought it was a rough patch along the way...we'd been through many before and always came out on the otherside roughed up a bit but fine! I didn't understand drugs...I had no clue how horrible it would get. People here say drugs have no mercy and that is so true. It is a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary one.

My wonderings these days have to do with how many people recover WITH their original significant other? I have hardly seen anyone. And, after all I've been through with him, I no longer have fantasies about recovery, thanks to this place. Dealing with an AH/W's recovery seems to be a whole other phase of pain in and of itself (just from the stories here - altho my AH doesn't NEED recovery, according to him, so the chances of him in recovery seem pretty slim). But anyway, I'm rambling now.

Somehow we have to move on. It sucks.

pacificsunrise

newnormal4me,

thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

you are right. with me, i don't even know what is the real him b/c i have no sure idea for how long has he been using cocaine. and plus he was smoking pot ever since i have known him, so i guess in a way it wasn't the real him then either. thank you for sharing w/ me though.

same here. the farthest he ever got to recovery was 2 NA meetings that i forced so he can get back in the house and now he's supposed to be in therapy w/ a counselor (so he says), which seems to be completely on his own terms. so time will tell.

thanks again for your reply.

newnormal4me

My AH went to an NA meeting once...with a buddy that was court ordered to go. At the time, he actually told me it was AA, so that ought to say something there. Then went on to say "I'm not like those people there! Pretty much everyone had lost everything, wives, kids, houses, jobs. I couldn't relate to any of it." I remember thinking at the time, "why wait UNTIL you lose everything?" He never returned. Now that he has lost everything, he still doesn't need any help, of course according to him. Blah, blah.

Just wish I didn't love the ghost so much still! Ugh...one step at a time.

pacificsunrise

how funny, b/c my husband said the exact same thing. he said he couldn't relate to any of them. to him they were bums on the street, homeless with nothing or nobody to be in their corner. and plus, he wasn't "an addict".

i guess, he wouldn't relate to them b/c we have a nice home, nice family, he had a job at the time, and on the outside everything seemed perfect. well, we're (me and the kids) not there any more and he still had justifications for everything except admitting to his addiction.

hugs and prayers.

tam

pacificsunrise and others, great post..I have 27 years of marriage under my belt and can also say and relate to your feelings. I often would think I have been scammed. was this all a fake? so I thing back and realize that we had many good times, I have fond memories when he was sober and I believe it was the drugs that caused things to crash on us, actually Im positive.

I currently attend support for seperated/divorce people and they feel the same way. 1 woman told me that she has been married for 43 years and the whole time her husband was cheating on her, another woman was married
40 years and her husband drank. they feel the same as us. I think its normal to feel this, but I want you all to know that the woman told me she is at a much better place now after her divorce and hasnt been this happy in years.
she survived without her significant other.
Im surviving without my significant others. yeah I struggle,emotions get all over the place, its not easy but I dont think it can get any worse than when I lived with his addiction.
Try to remember the good times, then keep thinking what happened? drugs, drugs is what happened, drugs destroyed them, drugs destroyed us.
bottom line.
it has been now 16 months since we seperated, today I can say Im much better, keep working on your recovery, try not to focus on the negative things , try not to focus on what happened, focus on what will happen if you continue with your recovery and if need be, seek help from a therapist.
one that deals with families of addicts is ideal, it really helped me.
hang in there

pacificsunrise

thank you tam for your post.

it really helps to know that i'm not the only one having those thoughts. and yes, "scammed" seems like just the right word.

thank you for your encouragement. i am still struggling with deciding if i really even want to pursue this relationship, even if he magically decided that he wants to recover tomorrow. and it is not easy.

i guess time will tell. i can use the spare time to focus on myself and the kids.

thanks again for the support.

hugs and prayers.

StPeteGrad

I hope it's fair for me to post here. I AM one of those AH's you are referring to. I am sober now - 60 days at least.

I have created a great amount of devastation for my wife and kids. We still have a roof over our heads and two cars, but we were only about two weeks from losing everything.

I have been dealing with the daily struggle of staying sober, going to AA, keeping a full+ time job and a paycheck, severe depression, latent anger issues - run of the mill stuff. At times I feel like a phony - as in, I don't really know who I am and neither does my wife. I was a drinker when we got married so she only knew that side of me. I progressed to a really bad way in the past 5-8 months.

I really don't expect much from her other than trying to have peace at home. Of course, she has many pent up resentments and anger that she has to let out which then just seems to cause a merry go round of trouble and hurt feelings for both of us.

Sometimes it seems like our relationship would be easier if I were still drinking since that's all she knew. Niether of us wants that and I'm commited to sobriety...but our relationship has never been as difficult. My depression, anger, sensitivity vs. her seeming inability to filter mind to mouth has been toxic.

I too am curious if there are success stories in marriage after sobriety.
Thanks,
SPG

pacificsunrise

SPG,

thank you for your post and congratulations on your decision to do what's best for you and your family. i am glad to have the "opposite" opinion, i guess not opposite, but someone who's looking at it from the other angle.

i am proud of you and your wife taking the necessary steps to keep your family together. i can't answer your actual question about the marriage after sobriety, b/c obviously we haven't gotten that far.

in the past year when my husband was "trying to get clean" (quotation marks b/c i'm not sure if he was ever really serious about it or just trying to appease me) and i was trying to work with him, i too was very angry at times. i felt betrayed and blamed him for putting our family through he**. now i do understand addiction better and try not to see him as the culprit, but more of a victim of his addiction. it is still hard at times.

also we are currently separated (for 1 month), so we're not around each other as much and do not have much contact, since he is from what i see still in denial and not ready to give up his lifestyle.

i am, though, a firm believer in hope. and as long as you and your wife are both trying to work on your relationship, i can only hope that the resentment and anger will pass as well as depression and unbearable stress. just hang in there.

this is a new situation to both of you guys and it will take a lot of adjustments and understanding on both your parts (which i'm sure is not abundant right now).

i am not sure if i helped any. i am proud of you guys for fighting the good fight, for fighting for your family.

stay strong and keep your chin up. and take one day at at time. some days are going to feel like one step forward and ten steps backwards, but at least you guys are still facing in the right direction. time will help.

my prayers go out to you and your wife and to your family. i believe in you guys.

newnormal4me

SPG, congratulations on choosing YOU. You are doing the absolute best thing for YOU right now. And, it should translate to your children and your wife someday.

60 days is not long in the grand scheme of things, so try not to focus on things getting better overnight. I'm sure it took you both years to reach this point in life and recovering takes a long time too. You just can't expect things to be better yet. But, I have to agree with CO in that you both should be doing things to focus on personal recovery, in addition to working through all the crud that goes along with that. Is your wife seeking any help for herself?

It is a long haul, but a worthy one. Don't give up. Just try to adjust your expectations of things to be more real and get help in learning how to deal with the anger and depression that is so common with recovery. You can do this! Don't give up!

coffeedrinker

yes, i have asked those same questions. i had to get out of a relationship because the answers were not only not coming, but they were too important to me. In other words, if i had to ask, i didn't belong there.

some clarity comes after time, but not completely, imo.
i think that after 30 years, you still don't know every speck of detail about who another person really is. and likely, neither do they.

eaglette

Pacific,

I was with my ex for 7 years before coming to the realization that the person I fell in love with had been completely overtaken by addiction. It was like coping with a death, except the person who had died had been taken by another person who was now walking around in the body of the man I had loved. I think that's why I held on for so long--but thinking back now to the look that was in his eyes right before I left, I realize that they were vacant. It was painful to see the tiny spark of hope, of reemergence, every now and then, because I knew that deep down he was still there, fighting to get out. I finally had to accept that I could not pull him out, and he wouldn't do it on his own.

I hope that your leaving has had some impact on your husband, but whatever happens, just keep pushing forward with your own recovery. Keep your head up; you sound like a really strong woman.

KariSue

I am a mother rather than the wife but I tend to feel like he is in there somewhere and struggles to get out and stay out. But my son is also what I call a functional addict. He seems to be able to not do drugs for rather long periods and then relapse and then back to drugs. So I see the real him for periods of time so that might make a difference.

pacificsunrise

thank you guys for giving me honest responses.

it is still hard to deal w/ the realization that the true person may never again be found and also w/ the fact that i truly don't even know that true person.

but, life is full of uncertainties and all we can do is keep on moving forward, one step at a time.

i appreciate all of you taking the time to share your experiences with me. it helps to know that others have been through similar experiences and have gotten through it.

thanks again.

Scoots826

It didn't end up with me & my former fiancee being together. He became addicted to oxycontin some years ago that his boss introduced him to then controlled him with. He ended up in jail twice briefly due to drug use. He graduated to heroin for a short time but I had kicked him out of my house around that time or before he went to heroin. He lived at his g-father's and then his mother's. He got off of the oxy or heroin. But he replaced it with smoking crack, drinking to excess, smoking pot to excess, and used methadone awhile (not prescribed) and then maintaining with percocets. We still had a semi-type relationship while he lived with his mom. But I was a bit bitter. I got more bitter when he couldn't show up for a visit without being wasted. I just asked that he come straight/sober & bring his beer with him instead of being already toasted when he showed up. A compromise of sorts. He started crashing in my driveway or coming in my house to my couch or bed when drunk from the bar, etc. etc. We couldn't even go out together because of his crazy jealousy. He would start arguments with me in public places - which he knows I can't stand. Anyway---something major happened with my son & I was dealing with a tremendous stress & heartbreaking situation. I was just about to the point where I could barely leave my house except for work. Do you think he stuck by me after I stuck by his drug use for years?? Hell no! Not long after this thing happened with my son, he apparently started seeing someone. I only found out 4 mos ago but he had been seeing her 4 or 5 mos before that. Apparently, he could not help me get over this bitterness & help me put it all together again. He'd talk the talk but his actions always spoke louder. Always doing stupid stuff.. There's alot more to it. The woman he's seeing is a huge betrayal in itself as it's the sister to the boss who first introduced him to oxycontin years ago. Sigh.... He suddenly claimed he's clean for her. Let me tell you how that just devasted me. I don't completely believe it....refuse to believe it...he's only behaving himself right now. They say opiate addicts actually treat falling in love as another addiction.

What I'm trying to say is that they resent us and treat us as an enemy when they use & withdrawal & recover. And they still resent us when they are trying to get straight. We never had a chance when they first became addicted. I wish I had known & wouldn't have wasted so many years. He acted like he did not want to be reminded of his bad addictive years. He would actually get mad if I brought it up---but I wanted to deal with it & get over the bitterness. And he's more vocal than me--I'm a quieter person - but I needed to get the bitterness out. But he couldn't do that with me. Instead he chose to just pick up and start anew with someone else. I'll never forgive him for the hell and insanity he put me through (maybe sometime) but I sure won't forgive him for his nastiness and hateful things he said to me the last time we talked on the phone. I had to cut him out of my life totally & haven't spoken with him in 4 mos. Though him & his newbie shop at the store across from my office at work---lacking a sensitivity chip as Jennifer Aniston said once - I still have to deal with him being in the area flaunting around with his new woman.

There are other important issues that have to do with my kids but I'm not going into that. Most of the time I'm relieved that I'm done with the arguing, lies, manipulation & drama & jealousies, etc. but some days--I'm just filled with sadness. Mostly I hate myself for staying in it sooo long.

Scoots826

Also, in addition to them not wanting to be reminded of their addictive years, I've seen other stuff written that they will tell their partners who stuck by them for years that "they never really loved them" and hurtful things like that. Is it possible that they associate us with their addictions, too? Or is it guilt and their now bi-polar personalities spouting out that hateful stuff?? In our last conversation he told me how nice this woman was & that she doesn't even smoke. (A repeat of starting out with me?? Addicts and recovering addicts should only be with other addicts). He also told me that "Maybe he never wanted me". After a total of 13 friggin' years???? That really threw me, too. It was sooo hurtful. But I have to remember that's his mean, spiteful, drug personality. Or he has to convince himself he hates me in order to be with her. But no matter---who says those things but someone so immature & spiteful, ungrateful, etc.?? I loved him & stuck by him for years at my own expense. So---like I said--I wish I had known to walk away when the addiction first started but I didn't know what I was dealing with. I just have to remember the bad stuff (and it was alot!!!) in order to get through right now.

Scoots826

Oh & my relationship started out as him pursuing me, he had a home, a young son, a good job & said he was a homebody. Wow! Did he really fool me! He had never even really had a speeding ticket at that time.

Babyblue

My spouse was never an addict but suffered from severe depressie episodes. I remember trying this or that to maybe help him 'get better', this went on and on for years until I accepted that he was never the person I thought he was when we married, nor was he ever going to be. That if he wanted to change and work on his depression, that it was up to him.

Nothing I did or arranged, helped with, cried about, begged or demanded got him any closer to seeing he needed help. Just recently he acknowledged that he was depressed (after so much denial), so when I asked if he thought about therapy his response was "I just said I realize I am depressed, didn't say I planned to do anything about it".

There ya go. I wish I had accepted this long ago but the codependency in me took the blame for how he was feeling, thought I could make things better for him and presto! Everything would be great! Not to mention I changed and grew a lot in the time we were married. But all that energy, time and heartbreak.. for what? I have a great son out of it but struggled for so long until that epiphany: this will always be who he is unless he himself wants to change.