jolivo

thanks HG and i love your quotes at the bottom. especially St. Ambrose of Milan i really need to remember that one when im feelin enraged at this situation. THIS too Will Pass. xoxo

Seren

Hi jolivo,

I forgot to say....Congratulations on your 4 years! That is quite an accomplishment!

You may have already read this on these boards, but from "this side of the equation" we learn the 3 C's:

We did not cause the addiction.
We cannot control the addict.
We can't cure the addict.

Some things you might find helpful to financially protect yourself and your baby...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...resources.html

Huge hugs, HG

jolivo

thank you soooo much HG. great link great Tips I WILL USE THEM! all my best wishes and thank you for the hope! Bless You! xoxoxo

ready2learn

jolivo, I left my first husband after our daughter was born, over thirty years ago. When it was just the two of us, I was more tolerant, more passive....and I had a WHOLE LOT in our marriage that was really intolerable...he cheated many times, lied to me, we were both using drugs, and our house was the place to hang out. After my little girl was born I started wanting a different life for her....my husband didn't want to change. Over time I stopped taking pills, and I eventually left him...it was no environment to raise a child in. I told him, "when I leave, I'll leave a lot of my problems behind, but you'll still have yours." It was a hard, hard decision for me - I loved my husband and didn't want a divorce, but I figured I could be miserable for however long it took to get over him, or be miserable a lot longer with him. I went on to leave my past behind me and accomplish goals I would have never dreamed I could reach, and I was able to give my daughter a stable home life. I'm not trying to steer you in any direction - please believe that; everyone's situation is different. But in your posts I hear the pain it caused you when you lost your children because of drugs, and I feel you are thrilled about the prospect of becoming a mother again. Either way won't be easy for you, and only you can decide what is the right choice for you and your baby. But remember, your HP is always on standby for you, and so are the readers here. You aren't alone.

beautifulgirl

Hi Jolivo, I am so so sorry that you are going through this at all and much more sorry that you are going through this at a time when your husband and you should be sharing feelings of joy about your baby that is about to be born.

This brings me to the memory of some of the reasons that one may relapse. Stress, whether it be good or bad can bring on relapse.

I am sure that your husband loves you very very much. It only takes one pill for the need to be sober to go away. After that point the mind of an addict justifies taking more. After one, the addict mind says just one more, all else will be ok, will fix everything after. Everything, love, family, and all that are really good in life go on the back burner. You have no say so in the matter after that one.*

He will only be able to stop when his mind stops telling him it is ok. It is internal and has nothing to do with what you say or don't say.*

You on the other hand have been very successful. Congratulations. It is a tough time right now being 9 months pregnant, but during pregnancy our mother instinct tends to kick in even more I think and this should give you extra strength along with what has happened in your past to make the right and best choices to ensure a positive future for you and your baby.

I believe that good and bad experiences teach us how to react and respond as we continue. We gain strength and knowledge. You have plenty of knowledge from all you have been through and the experiences have given you more strength than you know. You have gotten through everything before. You can get through this too.

Hugs to you mama and good luck to you! Keep coming back for support. We are all here for you!

jolivo

thank you both so much. we talked yesterday. i told him how i felt like a codependant for letting this go on with me standing by his side. i owned my feelings too it felt good. the talk started to get frustrating however i took deep breaths and told him he was using his past as excuses. he knew. he is afraid of withdrawl. thats his reason. its not a good one but thats it. i said he needed to get back into 12 step however he said he needed church.

jolivo

the thought arose in my head NO YOU NEED TO GO TO A MEETING ONCE YOU'vE WITHDRAWED. i cant staple it to his head. ive been thru that with my ex inlaw she dt'd from crack and got back into church and was nothing more than an addict with the rlapse mentality hiding in church. been there done that. im not saying HP doesnt work it def. does however you also need a good program to keep you in check.

jolivo

so we spoke and got the real deal stuff on the table. i told him if he doesnt get back into recovery, i will leave. i will take our baby and run from the fire instead of jumping in and out over and over again. im tired of being burned. he tried the oh well youre going to deny me seeing our child. i tld him Yes. No influence is better than a bad one. i didnt say it coldly or cruelly or ride the emotional horse thank God. i just told him i have to protect my future and self. i cant let anything or one compromise that.

shockozulu

Good for setting boundaries. One thing I learned with my active addicts is boundaries. Both how to set them and that I can't give in once I have.

If you feel like giving in, call your mom, another friend or get here on SR reading, posting or chatting. If you call someone you don't have to tell them you feel like giving to anything, you just need to keep busy until the feeling passes. It is a bit like a craving in early recovery, if you feel like giving in to it, just keep busy until the feeling passes.

beautifulgirl

Jolivo, You are right. Once one relapses they need to go right back into treatment. If meetings worked for him before they can work again but he has to want to stop first and he has to work the steps.
Great that you told him how it will be. Hopefully he will go back into treatment and get a sponsor who has been through what he has.
If not, it will be hard but follow through with what you say. Regardless of what he says about you denying him he will at some point realize that he denied himself.