Going on Three Weeks of NC

Old 02-15-2011, 02:43 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The South
Posts: 105
Going on Three Weeks of NC

My AD has been in and out of recovery for 15 years. She is 36 years old. Our story is so similar to all the others I have read on this website. It has been 15 years of living hell. I have concluded that either she will recover or she will die.

Almost three weeks ago, I wrote her a NC e-mail. I wrote..."no more e-mails, no more phone calls, please no more contact". Also, I wrote her that if she sent me e-mails that I would delete them without opening them. I wrote her that I was distancing myself from her for her health as well as my health. And, that I was going to concentrate on my health.

At first, she left messages on my a/m telling me that I am horrible and crazy. However, yesterday she e-mailed me how much she loved me. Yes...I relapsed and opened the e-mail. This afternoon, she sent an e-mail. It is a Dayspring card. It will notify her if I open the card. I desperately want to open the card. But, I haven't. I just moved the e-mail to another folder.

I see the big red flag with the word "manipulation" written all over her actions for the past few days.

I know I have done the right thing. But my heart is bleeding. I love her so!

Thank you for allowing me to share with you.
Habit is offline  
Old 02-15-2011, 02:56 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello, Habit!

Welcome to SR!!

Huge hugs to you and all the sadness and pain you have experienced because of your AD. My stepson is the A in my life. Mr. HG and I have sure been through a lot with him! But we have gotten much better at detaching, and our lives are soooo much more peaceful.

My A stepson is also very good at the manipulation. He wrote a letter to his father recently in which he said things like "I am writing this by lamplight using a pencil I found on the road" and "I'm sure you and 'HG' saw this coming" (as regards his current predicament). Actually, we had no idea that his current pickle was on the horizon!

It is hard, but you are doing the right thing by allowing your precious daughter the dignity of figuring this out on her own.

Hugs and prayers for you and your daughter. HG
Seren is offline  
Old 02-15-2011, 03:36 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by hydrogirl View Post

My A stepson is also very good at the manipulation. He wrote a letter to his father recently in which he said things like "I am writing this by lamplight using a pencil I found on the road" ....
This gets a nomination for the Manipulation Hall of Fame. One can almost hear the violins in the background, eh?
outtolunch is offline  
Old 02-15-2011, 03:47 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The South
Posts: 105
ottolunch,

Thank you for that comment. It made me smile. I thank my HP for a good sense of humor. We have to find humor in the middle of all the heartbreak, don't we? As the saying goes, if I didn't laugh, I'd cry.
Habit is offline  
Old 02-15-2011, 03:54 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Bless my A stepson's heart. He just doesn't get it still. Yeah, this journey to loving detachment has been harder for my hubby than I, but even he was chuckling over that one.

Humor is key!

HG
Seren is offline  
Old 02-16-2011, 12:19 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
JMFburns's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Habit,

Welcome!

I'm am sorry for what has brought you here, but I'm sure you know that you are not alone.

My son is the addict in my life, he is 30 yrs. old. He has been clean about 19 mo. with the help of Suboxone. He is jobless, lives in a run down sober house where his roommate is drinking (there is no oversight or management,) and his girlfriend of 3 mo. broke up with him last Friday so . . . his life is not looking too good right now. He doesn't attend 12 step meetings and has no friends so I'm pretty much it - yah, NOT.

Nice to meet you and keep up the G R E A T work!
JMFburns is offline  
Old 02-16-2011, 01:06 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The South
Posts: 105
Hi JMFburns,

Thank you for the welcome. It is nice to meet you also. I am so sorry about your son. His situation sounds so similar to my daughter's situation. She, too, is jobless. She is living with her cousin and family. All of them abuse their medications. My daughter was a heroin addict. She no longer shoots up. But, she uses anything else to get high. Her life has been out of control for years. She has been in and out of rehab for years. When we think it can't get any worse...it does. Right before Christmas, she e-mailed me that she was pregnant with twins. Her XBF is an addict also. And, he physically abused her. As it turned out, she had a miscarriage at 7 1/2 weeks. We allowed her to come home. My husband and I took care of her for two weeks. We made 3 trips to the hospital in the two week period. The last trip was for a so called suicide attempt. She said she had taken a lethal dosage of her antidepressants. My husband drove on the icy roads to get her to the ER. After doing blood work, it was determined that she had not taken the large amount of medicine. Same story...different verse...lies and manipulation.

After the two weeks, we told her that she had to move out. The two week period that she stayed with us was horrible. Everyone was screaming at each other. Once again, our serenity was robbed by insanity.

It was after she moved out that I sent her the NC e-mail.

We have done everything known to man to try to "cure or control" her disease. Of course, all has been futile. That old "stinking thinking" is so hard to shake.

I am so thankful that I have found this site. I know my HP led me here.
Habit is offline  
Old 02-17-2011, 12:47 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The South
Posts: 105
A New Twist

Well, I still have had NC with our AD. But, in today's mail came a notice from the USPS stating that her new address is now OUR address. I don't know what's up with that???

Possibly, it could be an excuse for her to come to our home. I am baffled. I don't know exactly how to handle it. I know she will not be allowed in our home. And, I am not answering her phone calls.

If all the addicts utilized all their cleverness in a positive way, I am sure there would be a cure for cancer by now.
Habit is offline  
Old 02-17-2011, 02:26 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hmmmm....after Mr. HG sold his old house, right before we got married, his son still used that address as his own. We used to get things for him forwarded from there. Also, every creditor and court was trying to find him at our new address because Mr. HG had his mail forwarded from there. Sadly for us, my A stepson is a "Jr." Needless to say, Mr. HG eventually got served by some process server. It took us a loooooonnnnnggggg time before we got all that straightened out! Things have been quiet for several months, and we are hoping it stays that way.

Needless to say, my recommendation to you would be exactly what cynical said....get thee to the post office and correct that little issue as soon as possible!

Hugs, HG
Seren is offline  
Old 02-20-2011, 08:49 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Welcome Habit,

You have found a great place to come and vent and learn and get help dealing with this extremely difficult situation called addiction. This has been a godsend place for me and even if I don’t post often it has helped to learn and grow.

She’s still using so it’s the active addict sending you emails, sending you cards and what ever the deal is with address changes. I found myself years ago falling right into all the manipulation traps. I didn’t know and I didn’t understand. My heart wanted to believe ever word he said, those words keep giving me hope that there was a chance he’d recovery and active addiction would no longer rule our lives.

What I learned either the hard way by personally experiencing it or by reading here is that they are just words, tools used by an active addict to remain exactly where they are – using.

Actions are everything and the only action we the loved ones need to witness is them surrendering to addiction then following through with a plan. Actually taking steps on their own by their own free will to step into recovery then remain there.

Cards, flowers, gifts, money and talk don’t get them clean or keep them clean.

I think it’s a courageous step you have taken for yourself against your daughters addiction. Keep being strong and keep reminding yourself of what you do know, she is still using – period.

Hang in there, we are all here for you.
atalose is offline  
Old 02-20-2011, 09:13 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,247
the manipulation or the problem?

I find the attempts at manipulation more insulting and troubling than the problem.

The problem one here doesn't realize the gravity of his problems or how sleezy he comes off when trying to manipulate you. Judging by his accounts of his job interviews alone I these those HRs can smell the stink on his crap. He loves to attempt to shame you-in his professional athlete want-to-be sports persona he thinks he is motivating you if he screams, yells or berates. He tries to micro manage, he knows it all, you should do it this way blah, blah, blah...

Most of his requests are NOT worthy or logical to begin with so most attempts go no where.
thequest is offline  
Old 02-20-2011, 09:41 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The South
Posts: 105
Dear atalose,

Thank you for your warm welcome! I needed the reminder that my AD is still an active addict. Thank you so much for your post!!! My HP knew I needed to read what you wrote today.

I can so identify with you about "Your heart wanted to believe every word he said, those words, keep giving me hope that there was a chance he'd recover".

Actions do speak louder than words. My daughter has certainly used her words as tools. She would send me mushy cards telling me how wonderful I am and how much she loves me. Then in a couple of days she would send me an e-mail telling me what a terrible mother I am. She has verbally abused me unmercifully. She has told me that I smothered her with "too much love." Then she would say, "I had abandoned her." One day, I asked her, "Which is it? Too much love or abandonment." I know it is her disease talking or writing. I know...been to enough meetings...enough therapy...enough books to know that I didn't CAUSE her disease.

This morning, I was thinking,"Her birthday is in May. Am I going to send her a birthday card? I have always sent her a birthday card(along with generous gifts). I would be horrible if I did not acknowledge her birthday." Yet, I believe my inaction would definitely be an action. Honestly, I should not even be thinking about May. I need to just get through TODAY!

Thanks to all who have encouraged me. It means so much to me. I thank my HP for each one of you!
Habit is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:36 AM.