Chino

I think my therapist must have worked there at one time, because that's the same language he used to get through to me.

Kindeyes, my daughter has to be working a recovery program too, but it's whatever works for her and we go by her actions. She goes to meetings and has a team of doctors for the rest. The father is her therapist, the son is her psychiatrist, and his wife is her neurologist. She sees all of them twice a month and it's an all day affair. They all specialize in addiction and treating it's effects.

It took a terrible car wreck and Hep C for her to own her addiction, depression, PTSD, and I wish it didn't have to be that way. But she's alive, one year clean and sober, recovering, and it takes what it takes. One day at a time and I honestly believe your son will get there, too

You're doing great, and you and your family are always in my prayers.

Spiritual Seeker

Kindeyes,
Remember the sober times recently and have hope they come around again.
thankfully your son knows he has to take his choices elsewhere and he's making plans.

Kindeyes

SS
I will hold the sober times and the great conversations close to my heart and hope that we can see them again.
gentle hugs

MissTara

Kindeyes, I am also sorry to hear about your Son's relapse. From all of the posts I read from you, you always sound so strong. I know you are using your program to help you through these tough days. Detaching with love is indeed difficult. I hope things go ok with the talk of having him leave your home. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts girl!!

Dignity

Kindeyes, I am really late picking up on this thread. Have been dealing with my moms hubby and stroke issues lately. I'm so sorry your feeling so sad right now. We're in the same position here and haven't seen my son in 6 weeks. A few calls but nothing about his life~~just the business he threw away and some dicisions that have to be made. I know its hard. I'm living it and pray daily that both our sons find their way. Missing the smart, funny guys we used to know is the hardest. Right now my son is so mad at us but it all centers around their decisions, right?? Hugs hon. Hang in there......

Kindeyes

Tara
Thank you for your kind words. I'm not strong. I'm just trying to get through this life like anyone else. I will say that my reading (Naranon SESH), my meetings, and all of you here help me tremendously. I will never ever be happy that my son is struggling with addiction but I am thankful for the opportunity for growth that it has given me.

Dignity
I have my good times and my bad times and thankfully my good times are longer periods of time. I'm ok. I talked with my son today and the conversation went very well. We got a couple of things cleared up which is good. But I held my boundaries and he seemed to understand that I will continue to do so. It was a good talk.

gentle hugs to you both

Ann

Kindeyes, your recovery is shining here and you have handled this with grace and dignity.

Take care of yourself and trust that his journey has included enough sober time to maybe make him want it back.

I found it was easier to let go when I realized that what I was trying to hang on to was an illusion of how things used to be.

Keeping you both in my prayers.

Hugs

keepinon

It's really all an illusion..what we want, that we ever really HAd any control over anything anyway...it IS freeing to let it all go Ann...

katie44

Hi Kindeyes, So sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you are in control. He knew the boundaries when he moved back in. Storage idea sounds like a good idea.No excuses to come back to the house for his belonging's.((( Prayers and hugs)))))

newnormal4me

****{Hugs}}} and hope that you are doing ok tonight! You are doing great so far...it's never, ever easy, that is for sure.

Seren

(((Kindeyes))) I hope that peace has remained a part of this whole process for you! If I remember correctly, tomorrow was his deadline for moving, right?

Many prayers and hugs for you, your son, and the rest of your family.

HG

jalapenolover

I am so sorry for his relapse. My son did the same and we required him to find his own place as well. We had the 'release chat' again yesterday and told him he cannot come over to hang out, nor will we be paying for his cell phone either. Pretty tough... maybe someday I can be as strong about it all as you are. Perhaps it comes with time..

Kindeyes

Yes. The process has continued to be peaceful. He hasn't been around but has called a couple of times. Things have been very civil. He has done/said a few things that were trying to get me to "engage" but I didn't. He was suppose to sign the lease today and move out tomorrow but I haven't heard from him since Saturday (and that was very brief). We'll see what happens......

jalapenolover - your son is much younger than mine is......we all walk this path in our own way and in our own time. We are all here to support each other.

I continue to be in a good place. I'm still ok.

gentle hugs

keepinon

What I think is that is comes with alot of work..it depends how you spend your time.Kindeyes works her program EVERYDAY..when things are great, when things are crappy, and everything in between.The people who I really admire on this site all have that in common...they all work the program they wish their loved ones would....

Kindeyes

There are so many amazing people on this site. Each have different approaches to a difficult problem that we all have in common. I have learned so much from everyone here. SR, Naranon, and my HP literally saved my life (not to mention my sanity).

keepinon....thank you for the kind words. You have been a guiding light for me as you've worked your program. Thank you for being here.

gentle hugs

Kindeyes

Quick update too. I talked with my son today. He rented the apartment and will be moving out over the next few days. He is working again (he's in construction so you know how that goes) for the time being so I suspect he will be moving in the evenings.

He seems excited to be getting his own place and I'm happy for him.

gentle hugs

tjp613

Hi Kindeyes - I'm just catching up on the thread and wanted to just give you a (((hug))). When we went through this with my son he got a little worse before he got better--probably because of the newfound "freedom" coupled with the excuses of bitterness and anger. But things DID get better for him as he experienced true independence: his choices have direct consequences on his quality of life now -- nobody to blame but himself if things get messed up. I don't even know if he's doing drugs or what kind, but I do know that he's paying the rent, working every day, never asks for money, has an active social life, and seems pretty happy. All of this just since August.

Keep good thoughts -- this could very well be the best thing that ever happened to him.

XOXO

sojourner

Kindeyes: I'm following your thread here. Your story is very much like the story of my now 25 YO AS. When the enabling stops, they can still keep going. It always amazes me when a newly ex-enabler sees their beloved addict very quickly bottom out and seek sobriety. But some of us have to stand back, continue to not enable, and yet watch our loved ones continue on in their drug/alcohol use for way longer than we thought we would have to.

Keep coming back! Your recovery is a light to us all. Your son is learning valuable life lessons here in spite of the zombie life he lives - life lessons that will help him in active use and active recovery.

Kindeyes

Our son came to our house last night briefly to let me know that he was going to go play a quick soccer game and then come home and pack and move. He came back after the game and got all of his stuff moved out last night...except his couch which is in the garage. I'm guessing that will go tonight and he will be completely moved out.

He gave me a big hug, thanked us for allowing him to live there while he got his feet under him, and gave me a small gift that he knew I would love. It was a very bittersweet moment but he seems happy. And really.......as parents......regardless of the lifestyle our adult children decide to leave......isn't that all we really want for them. To be happy.

As tjp613 said, I don't know if he's doing drugs or not--he has told me that he's drinking beer but when it really comes down to it......it's none of my business. He will make his choices and live his life. He'll have successes and he will stumble. But it's all on him. I have done what I can and now it's up to him. And that's ok.

My goal now is to live and let live. I want to enjoy whatever time I have with my adult children, my grandson, my dear husband, my mother and my friends. I want to never feel disappointment because they aren't doing "what I think they should do". Just enjoy whatever time I get with them. Quality is what is important.....not quantity.

Thank you all for your support. You have all been so wonderful and your words and kindness are so greatly appreciated. I hope I can return the favor.

gentle hugs

tjp613

On Children Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.