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My Sobriety (no contact) date.

Old 01-27-2011, 11:08 AM
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My Sobriety (no contact) date.

So I put my no contact date into the “world famous sobriety calculator” on SR and guess what……it’s been 40 days, 13 hours, 5 minutes and 3503066 no contact heartbeats!!!!!

Yes I can to this…….yes I can continue down my own path putting loving an addict behind me! YAY ME!!!!!!
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Old 01-27-2011, 11:25 AM
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40 days, 13 hours, 5 minutes

Yay you!!!!

Makes that first day, week, or month look like small potatoes doesn't it?

If we've come this far, we ought to be able to keep on going, right? Right!

At one time, this would have been a pipe dream and now look at you!!!

Bravo!!!
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Old 01-27-2011, 12:40 PM
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Actually the sad part is, I have done this before. Once in 2003 and didn’t talk to him for almost 3 weeks. He jumped on the rehab band wagon and I believed him and we ended up back together. And since I didn’t learn the lesson that time, there was another time in 2009 I left him but that only ended up being for a few weeks.

3 strikes and he’s out, that was my deal breaker, so I look at it this way….three times a charm and I know I can do it for good. I've had enought hurt, pain and dissapointment from this man to last me a life time.
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Old 01-27-2011, 06:55 PM
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You CAN do it and you are a shining light showing the way it can be done! Yay!!!!!
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Old 01-30-2011, 08:12 AM
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Been out of touch, but came here today and read this.

Good job lady! I am happy for you.
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Old 02-01-2011, 07:05 AM
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Sofacat hope life is going well for you I know it’s not been a good start to the New Year for you with the loss of your fur kid.

((((sofacat))))

I’m going to start another thread, I’m really struggling right now!!!
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Old 02-01-2011, 02:19 PM
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Congratulations!!! : ))
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Old 02-02-2011, 02:58 AM
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Go you! it's been 8 days for me since last contact but a couple of months since we broke up. today is one of my down days.
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Old 02-02-2011, 08:31 PM
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Yes you can do it!! Congrats on making it this far. Hope you build more and more strength each day that passes.
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Old 02-04-2011, 11:16 AM
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Groovy for you atalose!! This program works if you work it! YAY
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Old 02-04-2011, 01:38 PM
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Yes this program certainly does work! Today will be 48 days, 15 hours and ?? minutes!!!!

No contact really does make it easier to cope and get ahold of myself and my emotions. Sure I miss him (the clean him) and all the things we did and had together but that cloud of addiction just hovered and hovered, there was no sunlight shining through and without sunlight things just slowly die.
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Old 02-07-2011, 11:21 AM
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I know how you feel, I miss the clean him too and all that came with it. And that is exactly what happens without the sunlight, my relationship with my exa/fiance died, on my part at least. I still struggle with letting go of the fantasy of him being sober everyday for the rest of his life and us ending up together. Those thoughts creep up quickly if I am not paying attention to my program. but I recovery quickly from those times.

I am so grateful for this program, and hearing strength and progress from you all is so inspiring for me to continue.

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Old 02-07-2011, 01:07 PM
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Today is day 51 maybe I’ll stop counting soon but for now it helps me stay my course and more importantly stay away from the addict.

I’ve been struggling with grief lately and lack of a real support system. There are things I would like talk about and talk through to help my thought process along but often my “normal” friends are just not understanding of the tremendous loss I’m feeling. We were together 10 years that’s a long time, not something I can just process and let go of in a few weeks.

I will continue to work my program, I will continue to post here and attend my al-anon meetings. I am trying to keep myself busy, keep my thoughts busy with positive things for ME and MY life.

It’s really simple for me as none of my friends talk with him, see him or know anything about his life today without me in it. I haven’t talked to his mother since before Christmas and I’ve purposely not reached out to her until I am a little father down my recovery path. I’m sure she understands me needing my space right now, she also kept saying “if you both love each other then that’s all that matters and it will work out when it’s time”. Guess I don’t want to hear any fantasy hope tales right now as I am trying to grieve them as well!!! The not so perfect wonder life we did share when he was clean and not using pills is hard to forget, hard to give up.

I miss someone calling me during the day to just say hi and see how my day is going.

I miss someone telling me “I love you”. I miss someone who is happy at the end of his long day to see me and to just relax and talk about our day.

I feel I am getting stronger and I do know I will survive this, it just sucks!!!!! and my heart is really hurting.
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Old 02-07-2011, 05:19 PM
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atalose, I feel your pain. this does really suck! I miss my ah alot. the I love you, the smiles when I came home from work and he was so excited to talk and have dinner together..all the good stuff..makes me sad.
then I think of all the bad stuff and get angry.

so I sit here alone, each and every day. its very hard. my family calls and checks up on me, but other than that, Im alone.
Im getting tired of it, really tired..something has to give, something good has to happen, but I just dont see it yet at least not today.

I know my reply probaly didnt help you as I wish I had answers, but I wanted to let you know your not alone and also that reading some posts about how people survived a breakup and even found love and happiness again gives us hope. we cant lose hope, hope for us.

hang in there atalose, remember this too shall pass and boy do we know these feelings of being up or down do pass, its just getting through them that hurts.

hugs!
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Old 02-07-2011, 08:57 PM
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Yes your reply does help me, it reminds me I am not alone and I have someone I can talk to you about my feelings who understands, thank you tam!

How long has it been since you and your husband have been apart? Are you divorced or in the process?

I enjoy my alone time but I don’t enjoy “being” lonely or feeling alone. Sometimes when I have too much time on my hands it wrecks havoc on my mind, I need to keep myself occupied which then keeps my thoughts occupied.

I like hearing stories of survival after a break up and finding love again, I guess right now today I am just ready to envision that in my life again, not yet. I guess my heart gets stuck in the bargaining stage of grief and feels he will come back for me once he’s back on the recovery road and once again the man I fell in love with. But my mind/my logic tells me different, I hate when that old mind and heart battle!!!

What do you do to keep busy, keep your mind occupied and get through each day?
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Old 02-08-2011, 07:15 AM
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atalose, my husband left in dec.2009 after a huge arguement about his pill use, not working, sitting around his behaviors....etc..etc..etc..all the same stuff about trying to get a loved one into rehab. I reached my breaking point.
after he left I was devastated.
we kept in touch in the beginning, but it was going nowhere, I wasnt doing much better communicating with him, in fact, I got very angry and had severe panic attacks, I was afraid we would never get back together and he would never get sober.
he hasnt. nothing has changed.
he filed for divorce in oct.for financial reasons, he has no money and lives with a couple half his age who also have no money. I dont have any money,but we have a home, he wants his share.
I was going to file for divorce in dec. for abadonment (1 year in NJ) but he beat me to it, doesnt matter cause it seems to me that no matter what happens in a split it still comes down to finances. I cant even say for sure I would have filed in december anyway. I believe my HP was in control of that and still is.
this is a struggle, actually 3 struggles. one our marriage is over after 26 years, 2. I have to do the legal stuff and 3.try to figure out where my life is going.
I get very sad and lonely. Im very scared if I will ever be happy and find someone.
I enjoy my alone time though too, I work fulltime, go home and cook what I want (very healthy) I run and exercise daily. But the nights and weekends are the worse. I just come on the forum or watch tv.
I go to the movies,shopping,dinner with my niece who I am very close to, she lost her mom when she was 12 from cancer. I love spending time with her,but
its not the same as socializing with people my age.
I dont know where to go for that. all our friends moved on and are married with kids and now grandkids!
I did join a divorce/seperation/widow support group. its okay ,its something to do and I get to talk to others. last week I said Im scared about dating and really dont know where to start and not sure Im ready, one guy said its like being in high school again. I said..yeah but at least in highschool I was social and had alot of friends!!
BUT, it is what it is. I know the 3 c's..somehow someway just got to get through each day and hope for the best and I believe something good will come out of this, him leaving and us divorcing could be a blessing in disguise.
for now, I need to keep going to therapy and work on my issues from this huge change in my life. I do see a difference in me from last year,so thats a good sign. I am considering to volunteer or start joining groups for like zumba, line dancing etc..but still have to work on my self esteem and give it more time to heal as there was alot of damage done.
I thank everyone on this forum for getting me to where I am today and for educating me about addiction and most importantly for giving me hope.
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Old 02-08-2011, 09:40 AM
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Thanks tam, we have more in common then you know!

I started a Zumba class last fall I love it, it's fun!!
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Old 02-13-2011, 07:42 AM
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Day 57 of no contact. In my mind yesterday was officially 8 weeks since I cut all contact with him.

The beginning of Jan he contacted a friend of mine regarding a computer he wanted me to have. She explained to him how his drug use affects our relationship and how his constant relapsing is not promising and has left me no other choice then to leave the relationship. She told him to get himself help, heal his issues with his family and move on with his life. She advocates that his addiction causes me to much hurt and as my friend she encourages us both to move on in life. (Definitely what he didn’t want to hear)

And it’s no surprise he’s not contacted her again. But he ahs made contact with another friend of mine which really surprised me. He actually showed up at her work to ask her to give me an overnight bag and other things I had left behind when I moved out. He explained to her that he’s respecting my wishes that he not contact me, then he says he’s not sure if he should contact me or not, not sure if I’ll be receptive to that or not. Said he needed me to know that he is not involved with this other woman who’s been haunting our relationship for years now. My friend explained it simple to him, it all has to do with drugs, period. He then told her he’s going to meetings, talking with his family and seeing a therapist. She told him if she see’s me at a class we take or a meeting we both attend she would give me the bag.

He’s not contact me or her at this point but I see manipulation as well as fear on his part. Fear of trying to contact me and being rejected, manipulation of him wanting me to know what he’s doing for his recovery.

My plan is to stay my course, stay with no contact, work my recovery and continue to move forward. I know what I know, the facts from the past and I just don’t have the faith or hope that he’ll do anything really different this time for his recovery then he’s done in the past which is the bare minimum. He seems to latch on to others in AA who are like him, resent the program, resent the people there and there is always something wrong with this meeting or that meeting. In the past he’s seen a therapist for his bi-polar to get his medication, this Dr was retiring and told him he’d have to find someone new. So best guess is that the therapist he saw was solely for that purpose and that purpose only, to obtain his medication not to really talk about any of his major issues.

I am not stupid and I will no longer be manipulated by anyone who gives themselves so little. Yup the strong willed courageous man I fell in love with who was putting his recovery before and above everything doesn’t seem to exist anymore.
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Old 02-13-2011, 07:59 AM
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130 days. But who's counting?



Seriously though, in the past I'm not sure I ever made it past the two month mark, she would email me or I would chum the waters to get her to contact me.

Back in January a 3rd party-a bill collector-asked me to call her but I refused, told the person to contact her themselves.
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Old 02-13-2011, 08:09 AM
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Same here that 2 month mark always seemed to bring about contact again by him or like you I would stir the waters to get him to contact me.

I’m known to be stubborn at times lol so if that stubbornness can work in my favor and keep me from feeling weak and reaching out, so be it.

Guess knowing him as well as I do, guess that’s what happens when you are with someone for 10 years, my fear is that tomorrow for Valentines may be the time he reaches out but most likely in a covert way like sending flowers or a card then again maybe not…………he’s so filled with fear that if he dares do anything wrong then for sure he blows it and any hope of getting back together is all gone.
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