I am embarrassed, ashamed, sad, and confused.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
Tjp, He has been to both na and aa meetings. He does not feel they help. I believe that meetings are only good for some people. I think people recover in different ways. He has been to a dr in the past and while he was not the greatest the dr's office was terrible so that did not work out. He used all of his insurance covered visits this year but will have 30 more as of January 1st and is planning to go to another dr to help him.
Hello-Kitty, Please let me clarify. My husband is not working. I have my own business. I am employed. I make good money so we are not eligible for state assistance. My kids are well fed, well clothed, loved, and well taken care of by me. I would never let my children go without. I work and I work hard. The more my husband does not do the more I do. Anything that I am able to provide they have, and I am able to provide everything besides a good father.
Zombie, that is very sad and I have to think about the impact this is going to have on my children. Both of my parents were involved in drugs when I was a child. They hid it from me. I thought it was just my dad and I was ok with that as long as I had my mom. When I found out my mom was using drugs it killed me. To make matters worse when I confronted them they made fun of me and told me I did not know what I was talking about. They threw me out at 16. I have my scars. I went the complete other way but I was so desperate for love and did not value myself that I jumped the gun at those who paid attention to me. That is another story entirely but it all fits into how I am where I am today but I can relate to your childhood and I am sorry. We do not write our plans down. Should we?
Hello-Kitty, Please let me clarify. My husband is not working. I have my own business. I am employed. I make good money so we are not eligible for state assistance. My kids are well fed, well clothed, loved, and well taken care of by me. I would never let my children go without. I work and I work hard. The more my husband does not do the more I do. Anything that I am able to provide they have, and I am able to provide everything besides a good father.
Zombie, that is very sad and I have to think about the impact this is going to have on my children. Both of my parents were involved in drugs when I was a child. They hid it from me. I thought it was just my dad and I was ok with that as long as I had my mom. When I found out my mom was using drugs it killed me. To make matters worse when I confronted them they made fun of me and told me I did not know what I was talking about. They threw me out at 16. I have my scars. I went the complete other way but I was so desperate for love and did not value myself that I jumped the gun at those who paid attention to me. That is another story entirely but it all fits into how I am where I am today but I can relate to your childhood and I am sorry. We do not write our plans down. Should we?
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
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"He has been to both na and aa meetings. He does not feel they help. I do not believe in them either. "
1st Step for Him: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/drugs - that our lives had become unmanageable"
1st Step for You: "We admitted we were powerless over the addict - that our lives had become unmanageable."
This is the most difficult step to accept. And until he, you or both come to this on your own, then you're right, the program might not work for you.
It helps when you realize you need help.
1st Step for Him: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/drugs - that our lives had become unmanageable"
1st Step for You: "We admitted we were powerless over the addict - that our lives had become unmanageable."
This is the most difficult step to accept. And until he, you or both come to this on your own, then you're right, the program might not work for you.
It helps when you realize you need help.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Beautifulgirl, I understand what it is like to come from a home where both parents are addicts. It sounds like you are extremely capable of taking care of you and your kids. You are able to do so much on your own. It sounds like you have had to do a lot of it on your own anyway. I have heard many people on this forum say the three C's--you didn't cause his problem, you can't cure him, and can't control his usage. It sounds like you've helped him with him finding a doctor, with him going to meetings, etc. I've been there with my RABF. I have given him info about getting off drugs, suggested treatment for him, etc. In the long run, there was nothing that I could do. Pain pills are a terrible addiction, and it takes more than willpower for them to stop. Actually, I think I bought my RABF a book called "More Than Willpower," when I was trying to rescue him. There are books for you called, "Getting Him Sober." They are about how the best thing we can do is let them go.
Since you were the child of addicts, then you know what it is like for your kids. I'm sure it is hard for them to have a father who is there sometimes, and other times is missing. It must be difficult for them when he says he is going to leave and then he says he is going to stay. I know it is hard for you, too.
Since you were the child of addicts, then you know what it is like for your kids. I'm sure it is hard for them to have a father who is there sometimes, and other times is missing. It must be difficult for them when he says he is going to leave and then he says he is going to stay. I know it is hard for you, too.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Sofacat, I am not sure I will ever understand the benefit of the meetings but then again I don't go to na or aa meetings so I would not.
Bluebelle, You are so right. I do most of the stuff. It is like I am putting up with everything just to get a tiny bit of help. I am the rock.
Bluebelle, You are so right. I do most of the stuff. It is like I am putting up with everything just to get a tiny bit of help. I am the rock.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
beautifulgirl,
I think you might have blocked (as I did for many years) the memory of being the child of an addict. With my father the only thing that was consistent was the inconsistency, but the time I was 11, I knew my father had no feelings for me.
I wonder how the kids process their father, the man, becoming melodramatic, making the kids cry and beg for him to stay.
what do they see when he is withdrawing? My son would get very sick, he was not something that is easily hidden.
If you don't think that meetings will help, and your husband says na, and aa dont help, his doctor didnt help, and now with jan 1 coming up he has 30 more visits coming up.
Hmmm, since nothing else helps, and he has tried it himself before and failed within a couple days, what do you think will happen next.
I wish I had a father too, I am 51 years old and still suffering the effects of growing up with an abusive alcoholic. Lots of denial and excuses here beautiful girl, but I believe you will get there when you need to.
Beth,
I pray the kids do get a father back.
I think you might have blocked (as I did for many years) the memory of being the child of an addict. With my father the only thing that was consistent was the inconsistency, but the time I was 11, I knew my father had no feelings for me.
I wonder how the kids process their father, the man, becoming melodramatic, making the kids cry and beg for him to stay.
what do they see when he is withdrawing? My son would get very sick, he was not something that is easily hidden.
If you don't think that meetings will help, and your husband says na, and aa dont help, his doctor didnt help, and now with jan 1 coming up he has 30 more visits coming up.
Hmmm, since nothing else helps, and he has tried it himself before and failed within a couple days, what do you think will happen next.
I wish I had a father too, I am 51 years old and still suffering the effects of growing up with an abusive alcoholic. Lots of denial and excuses here beautiful girl, but I believe you will get there when you need to.
Beth,
I pray the kids do get a father back.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Originally Posted by beautifulgirl 
Zombie, that is very sad and I have to think about the impact this is going to have on my children. Both of my parents were involved in drugs when I was a child. They hid it from me. I thought it was just my dad and I was ok with that as long as I had my mom. When I found out my mom was using drugs it killed me. To make matters worse when I confronted them they made fun of me and told me I did not know what I was talking about. They threw me out at 16. I have my scars. I went the complete other way but I was so desperate for love and did not value myself that I jumped the gun at those who paid attention to me. That is another story entirely but it all fits into how I am where I am today but I can relate to your childhood and I am sorry. We do not write our plans down. Should we?
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
Wicked, I don't block what my parents did or did not do. I feel the pain of it often and saying what I shouldn't, not saying what I should, doing what I shouldn't, and not doing what I should are all part of how I was raised and stemmed from the environment I lived in. I remember and it was awful, very awful.
I am grasping at straws here. Anything I can to make it work. My kids have never in the past seen anything out of the ordinary. The worst they had seen was their dad not working and sleeping on the couch. Now it has progressed though and I have to act on that. I have to come to terms with it, I have to have a plan.
I am grasping at straws here. Anything I can to make it work. My kids have never in the past seen anything out of the ordinary. The worst they had seen was their dad not working and sleeping on the couch. Now it has progressed though and I have to act on that. I have to come to terms with it, I have to have a plan.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Originally Posted by wicked
If you don't think that meetings will help, and your husband says na, and aa dont help, his doctor didnt help, and now with jan 1 coming up he has 30 more visits coming up.
Hmmm, since nothing else helps, and he has tried it himself before and failed within a couple days, what do you think will happen next.
.
Hmmm, since nothing else helps, and he has tried it himself before and failed within a couple days, what do you think will happen next.
.
If he can't hit bottom because people keep swooping in to save him, then maybe he can't get better? I don't know.
(big hugs)
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Join Date: May 2010
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Zombie, It is a good thing that toilet paper roll is never ending because that cat in your avatar is really going to town 
.
I don't know what to think anymore. I am sort of just rolling with the punches right now. I sort of feel like I am using my husband to do what I can't while I am working; like chores around the house and stuff. I know that sounds strange.
. I don't know what to think anymore. I am sort of just rolling with the punches right now. I sort of feel like I am using my husband to do what I can't while I am working; like chores around the house and stuff. I know that sounds strange.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
AA, NA and Alanon are the gold standard for good reason..any rehab will have the patients in a program and wants the family to be in a program too.I heard some squacking from my daughter about the program when she wasn't really committed, when she wanted sobriety she"got with the program". It works if you work it...the VAST majority of people need some kind of support..maybe not to quit, but to learn how to LIVE again and how to STAY sober. Drug use takes a toll on your soul.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
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Originally Posted by beautifulgirl
I don't know what to think anymore. I am sort of just rolling with the punches right now. I sort of feel like I am using my husband to do what I can't while I am working; like chores around the house and stuff. I know that sounds strange.
It sounds like you are stretched *very thin*, beautifulgirl. What do you do for fun and relaxation? Who do YOU lean on for support? How do you go about recharging your batteries?
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Join Date: Nov 2002
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Hello Beautifulgirl
I'm sorry I don't even know where to begin! You are one brave gal! I cannot believe how much you have on your plate! I know one thing and that is that AH should be thrown out! He is not a man, he is a drug addict! He loves no one but himself and his drugs!
I don't know what state you live in, but there has to be some help out there! Have you contacted social services in your area? I'm sure if you tell them your situation, (once the Addict is out of there) you will be given help and support, or they can direct you to where you can get help!
I also cannot believe this situation. I do believe that I would not let him "bully" you into allowing him to stay there as long as he is doing "drugs" of any sort! You sure don't need to deal with him on top of everything else!
If he leaves again, let him go!
Please check your local phone book for some type of resources! The disability advocates may help!!
My prayers are with you,
Hugs, Devastasted
I don't know what state you live in, but there has to be some help out there! Have you contacted social services in your area? I'm sure if you tell them your situation, (once the Addict is out of there) you will be given help and support, or they can direct you to where you can get help!
I also cannot believe this situation. I do believe that I would not let him "bully" you into allowing him to stay there as long as he is doing "drugs" of any sort! You sure don't need to deal with him on top of everything else!
If he leaves again, let him go!
Please check your local phone book for some type of resources! The disability advocates may help!!
My prayers are with you,
Hugs, Devastasted
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Join Date: May 2010
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Originally Posted by tjp613
It sounds like you are stretched *very thin*, beautifulgirl. What do you do for fun and relaxation? Who do YOU lean on for support? How do you go about recharging your batteries?
When I am out with my children at functions people always say my children are so well behaved and ask how I parent my children so well. They assume that I raise our busload of children and my husband works to feed us. The truth is I manage to do almost everything.
Still, I give my husband some credit because with the huge amount I have to do the little bit my husband does helps a lot.
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Location: Seattle, WA
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How lucky for you that you have a 'busload' of well-behaved children. I personally couldn't raise five children in such a chaotic enviroment, support the special needs of three autistic children, try to maintain a relationship with an emotionally abusive drug addict and work work work work work all the time. I'm amazed anyone could survive that kind of lifestyle with their sanity in tact. I'd be absolutely nuts. But I'm glad it's sort of working out for you. If things get bad enough for you, it certainly sounds like you are resourceful enough to manage on your own.
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty
How lucky for you that you have a 'busload' of well-behaved children. I personally couldn't raise five children in such a chaotic enviroment, support the special needs of three autistic children, try to maintain a relationship with an emotionally abusive drug addict and work work work work work all the time. I'm amazed anyone could survive that kind of lifestyle with their sanity in tact. I'd be absolutely nuts. But I'm glad it's sort of working out for you. If things get bad enough for you, it certainly sounds like you are resourceful enough to manage on your own.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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I am truly blessed. I was given 4 wonderful boys and 1 girl so I have both. They face their challenges but I believe in all of them, love them, and am very proud of them. They are perfect in my eyes. I am fortunate enough to be able to work, bring in money, and take care of what matters to me most; my children. That is all I need.
I always say that as long as I put the best interest of my child first, I would never regret my choices. It was hard to know what my child's best interest was when I was entangled with his father's drug addiction though. I couldn't see or think clearly.
Hopefully you and your wonderful children are not in this same situation this time, next year. You have to change yourself though because you can't change your husband. If love and wonderful children was all it took to cure an addict, there would be no drug addicts.
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty
Yes, you certainly are fortunate. Not everyone could walk in your shoes and keep such a positive, upbeat attitude about it.
I always say that as long as I put the best interest of my child first, I would never regret my choices. It was hard to know what my child's best interest was when I was entangled with his father's drug addiction though. I couldn't see or think clearly.
Hopefully you and your wonderful children are not in this same situation this time, next year. You have to change yourself though because you can't change your husband. If love and wonderful children was all it took to cure an addict, there would be no drug addicts.
I always say that as long as I put the best interest of my child first, I would never regret my choices. It was hard to know what my child's best interest was when I was entangled with his father's drug addiction though. I couldn't see or think clearly.
Hopefully you and your wonderful children are not in this same situation this time, next year. You have to change yourself though because you can't change your husband. If love and wonderful children was all it took to cure an addict, there would be no drug addicts.
It is so easy to know what is coming next like a predictable movie for those who are not involved. I can't tell what is coming next though.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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try some things differently for different results
Beautifulgirl, I am thinking about you & praying for you & your family.
When life had become so unbearable with my husband actively drinking & smoking pot daily (& I just knew I couldn't raise my daughter in such an environment), I thought about the definition of insanity (doing the same things over & over, expecting a different result). I resisted Alanon. (I heard about it as a teen. I am the daughter of an alcoholic, mostly my father was a dry alcoholic/codie my whole life. My mother the non-alcoholic/codie was/is emotionally volatile.)
"Leaving my husband" was something I hadn't done & didn't think I could do (it was *not* doing what I had done over & over, however). Even though I am financially independent (& was pretty much a single mom anyway), I kept hanging on. Leaving was one of the hardest things I did. My husband's drinking got worse & even more wreckless than it had already been). I prayed for him from afar, but felt so hopeless. It hurt so much to see him getting sicker & sicker. I was not well myself but I was gaining clarity. Finally, I asked myself again "what have we *not* done?), reflecting back on the definition of "insanity." I stayed away from him for 6 months. I started to check up on him because I started fearing his condition was worsening. When I *thought* I heard him ask for help, I urged him to go into in-patient treatment. (He didn't want to go initially making every excuse, but things had gotten so bad for him that he had nothing to lose. He resisted but looking back, not much!)
During my husband's one-month in-patient stay, I participated in all of the family sessions (I was surrendering too). I wanted to do what I hadn't done before. I didn't want to go but I tried Alanon. I was annoyed when I felt my husband's counselors would "gently" urge me to go to Alanon, but heck, what did I have to lose? I decided this was something I hadn't tried. I could see my husband getting well. Honestly, I never had any realistic hope that my husband could be sober more than 24 hours for our 14 years together at that time (we are 15 years together now). My husband went to AA/NA years ago (court-mandated) early in our relationship. He tried outpatient half-heartedly in the past too. I truly believe he needed me to get out of his way, to stop enabling him, to leave (!) so his life could become so unbearable that recovery became the better alternative to using/drinking. He would tell us he loved us (our daughter & me) more than anything. I believe(d) him. I also know that his actions showed me that alcohol/pot were more important (it didn't matter why because he was addicted, ill, weak, chose to do so, etc.) Jail, our precious daughter, our comfortable/beautiful home, *nothing* seemed to matter for him. The fact is, he wasn't able to get into recovery until he was ready --after I let him go.
My husband has been sober for nine & a half months and goes regularly to meetings. Alanon did not click for me until about 2 months ago or less, even though I started going right before my husband came out from in-patient. I just kept going whenever I could because I saw my husband going to his meetings. I also saw that many (not all) Of the people at Alanon and Families Anonymous were kind & warm (and just wanted what I wanted: serenity). I am finally beginning to really appreciate the meetings I go to. I try each time I can get to a meeting to just sit, listen, learn & soak up all of the positive energy. I try not to focus on the things that *could* bother me (i.e. all the "god" talk, all of the "program" talk, etc.) I just try to learn from those whose lives seem to be improving & working well for them.
I had to just be open to all of the things I would not have tried or did not want to try because after all, I realized that for my whole life I had pretty much (when it came to addicts in my life) been doing the same things over & over and desperately hoping for different results.
My life is better (not perfect). When I feel angst, worries, fears (reminders of my old ways), I try & do what works, not what I just merely *hope* for. I am getting prepared to move back home in a few months if things go well. I am taking one day, one moment, one breath at a time.
Sorry to blab on about myself, Beautifulgirl. I was completely hopeless. I denied. I believed what he said (even though I knew in the deep recesses of my mind that even if he was sincere in the moment he was unable to follow through). I defended. I championed. I enabled. I angered. I resented. I cried & hurt endlessly. What I didn't do was *let him go* (I kept doing the same things over & over for years & seeing my life getting worse & worse). I am doing things differently than what I used to & I am seeing different results (results that are coming closer & closer to what I had hoped & prayed for).
When you are ready, Beautifulgirl, try something different. Some of the suggestions to you here seem like possibilities for you. I am praying that you are able to get new & different results for you, you children & your husband.
Big, big hugs!
When life had become so unbearable with my husband actively drinking & smoking pot daily (& I just knew I couldn't raise my daughter in such an environment), I thought about the definition of insanity (doing the same things over & over, expecting a different result). I resisted Alanon. (I heard about it as a teen. I am the daughter of an alcoholic, mostly my father was a dry alcoholic/codie my whole life. My mother the non-alcoholic/codie was/is emotionally volatile.)
"Leaving my husband" was something I hadn't done & didn't think I could do (it was *not* doing what I had done over & over, however). Even though I am financially independent (& was pretty much a single mom anyway), I kept hanging on. Leaving was one of the hardest things I did. My husband's drinking got worse & even more wreckless than it had already been). I prayed for him from afar, but felt so hopeless. It hurt so much to see him getting sicker & sicker. I was not well myself but I was gaining clarity. Finally, I asked myself again "what have we *not* done?), reflecting back on the definition of "insanity." I stayed away from him for 6 months. I started to check up on him because I started fearing his condition was worsening. When I *thought* I heard him ask for help, I urged him to go into in-patient treatment. (He didn't want to go initially making every excuse, but things had gotten so bad for him that he had nothing to lose. He resisted but looking back, not much!)
During my husband's one-month in-patient stay, I participated in all of the family sessions (I was surrendering too). I wanted to do what I hadn't done before. I didn't want to go but I tried Alanon. I was annoyed when I felt my husband's counselors would "gently" urge me to go to Alanon, but heck, what did I have to lose? I decided this was something I hadn't tried. I could see my husband getting well. Honestly, I never had any realistic hope that my husband could be sober more than 24 hours for our 14 years together at that time (we are 15 years together now). My husband went to AA/NA years ago (court-mandated) early in our relationship. He tried outpatient half-heartedly in the past too. I truly believe he needed me to get out of his way, to stop enabling him, to leave (!) so his life could become so unbearable that recovery became the better alternative to using/drinking. He would tell us he loved us (our daughter & me) more than anything. I believe(d) him. I also know that his actions showed me that alcohol/pot were more important (it didn't matter why because he was addicted, ill, weak, chose to do so, etc.) Jail, our precious daughter, our comfortable/beautiful home, *nothing* seemed to matter for him. The fact is, he wasn't able to get into recovery until he was ready --after I let him go.
My husband has been sober for nine & a half months and goes regularly to meetings. Alanon did not click for me until about 2 months ago or less, even though I started going right before my husband came out from in-patient. I just kept going whenever I could because I saw my husband going to his meetings. I also saw that many (not all) Of the people at Alanon and Families Anonymous were kind & warm (and just wanted what I wanted: serenity). I am finally beginning to really appreciate the meetings I go to. I try each time I can get to a meeting to just sit, listen, learn & soak up all of the positive energy. I try not to focus on the things that *could* bother me (i.e. all the "god" talk, all of the "program" talk, etc.) I just try to learn from those whose lives seem to be improving & working well for them.
I had to just be open to all of the things I would not have tried or did not want to try because after all, I realized that for my whole life I had pretty much (when it came to addicts in my life) been doing the same things over & over and desperately hoping for different results.
My life is better (not perfect). When I feel angst, worries, fears (reminders of my old ways), I try & do what works, not what I just merely *hope* for. I am getting prepared to move back home in a few months if things go well. I am taking one day, one moment, one breath at a time.
Sorry to blab on about myself, Beautifulgirl. I was completely hopeless. I denied. I believed what he said (even though I knew in the deep recesses of my mind that even if he was sincere in the moment he was unable to follow through). I defended. I championed. I enabled. I angered. I resented. I cried & hurt endlessly. What I didn't do was *let him go* (I kept doing the same things over & over for years & seeing my life getting worse & worse). I am doing things differently than what I used to & I am seeing different results (results that are coming closer & closer to what I had hoped & prayed for).
When you are ready, Beautifulgirl, try something different. Some of the suggestions to you here seem like possibilities for you. I am praying that you are able to get new & different results for you, you children & your husband.
Big, big hugs!
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