I am embarrassed, ashamed, sad, and confused.

Old 12-26-2010, 10:24 AM
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Originally Posted by beautifulgirl View Post
A few days ago I told my AH to leave. Shortly after he left though I called him and asked where he was going. He told me he was going to stay with his mom who lived 3000 miles away.

Grown, unemployed man, father of 5, returning home to mama?

I panicked. I thought how are my boys going to do the boy things without him.

Kids need a parent, not a playmate.

I thought how am I going to take care of my 5 kids all by myself. We are currently in the process of getting a loan modification and I thought if he was not here we would get foreclosed on and if we did where would we go?

Getting a loan modification is no sure thing and minimally requires employment. He is unemployed because he will not take a drug test. Sounds like no matter what, the house will be foreclosed. You likely have 1-2 years before this happens.

We have chains on every door of our house because our autistic two year old can escape out of any door quickly even when childproofed. Who would rent a place to me and let me put chains on every door?

Lots of places. This is not a reason to stay with an unemployed and abusive man.

Who would put the heavy stuff together or do what I could not?

Staying with an unemployed abusive partner to have someone lift heavy stuff ?

I told him to come back. I did not want the kids to miss Christmas with him and I told him no more drugs. I had no hope really though. He came back and the past few days have been hell. He has been telling me to just give pot a chance and that he would never do pills again if he could just smoke pot.

BS.

I said no over and over and explained why. I care about my kids too much to put them in danger so his illegal desire could be fulfilled.

Make this your mantra.

He is unemployed and has no money. Pot costs money.


Today was Christmas. I got him a nice xmas present. Santa came for the kids. He did not get me anything. Nothing. He did not even tell me Merry Christmas. Of course I felt bad.

He is doing what addicts do. You have no control over this or him. None of us do.

After the morning hours he gave me an ultimatum. The ultimatum is either I give him a chance to smoke pot or he is going to leave all of us. He says he loves us all but he just does not see him being completely drug free.

Believe him.

I told him that we need him; the kids and I. I cried of deep sadness. He does not care. I cannot do anything to bring his heart back to life for us at this time.

You did not cause his addiction. You cannot control his addiction. You cannot cure his addiction. Do you really need another child in your life?

I don't know how to cope or to let him go when he leaves. I don't know if he is bluffing. I feel completely defeated and I do not know where to go from here and how I am going to be able to do it on my own if I have to.
I don't know either. That's not however reason enough to keep an unemployed, abusive addict in the house. Work with your local support services on a long term plan, including child support from the bio dad, should he ever become employed, again.

You are much stronger than you realize. Can you consider letting this overgrown child return home to mama. It's one less needy child under your watch.
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Old 12-26-2010, 11:55 AM
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beautifulgirl
I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. You have so much on your plate but it can be addressed "one bite at a time". Looking at the whole picture at once can be absolutely overwhelming......so take it in smaller portions and figure one thing out at a time. It doesn't all have to be figured out all at once.

I divorced a child-man 28 years ago. He also said that he'll smoke pot whether I like it or not. He didn't work. He didn't watch our small son. I finally got a belly full but I had to get to that point in my own time. Our son, now a child-man himself, didn't fall far from that paternal tree.

Take it one day at a time and know that there are people out here who understand at least a part of what you are dealing with (addicted loved one). Take care of yourself.

gentle hugs
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Old 12-26-2010, 12:03 PM
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I think my AH is out trying to get drugs right now.
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Old 12-26-2010, 12:22 PM
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"I think my AH is out trying to get drugs right now."

You seem surprised by this. It's what addicts do.
And as long as he tries to "manage" his addiction on his own, he will continue to do drugs.

Period.

If a stranger were to be around you and your kids high, would you allow it?
Is that safe, smart, healthy, wise? Would you let them steal from you & your children? Would you let them put your home in jeopardy? Lie to you?

Then why do you allow him to do the same?

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

It all starts with you.
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Old 12-26-2010, 12:22 PM
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Every time he goes out, are you going to worry about him scoring drugs? Is the worry so much that it tears you up inside? Can you live that way for the rest of your life?

You certainly don't have to.
:ghug3
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Old 12-26-2010, 01:08 PM
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Originally Posted by beautifulgirl View Post
I think my AH is out trying to get drugs right now.
I wonder how he will pay for it.
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Old 12-26-2010, 01:13 PM
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Hey Beautiful Girl Great Name. First off You need to take care of you. I have been there grasping straws to hold it together. The thing that sticks out to me is the ULTIMATIUM in a relationship communication is the glue that holds it together. When you get demands then you need to evaluate where they come from. Honesty is tough but straight forward and to the point. If you don't want drugs in your life then accept no less in your life. Most guys bluff the leaving to get their way. Besides if he choses drugs over you then really what would you lose.
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Old 12-26-2010, 02:11 PM
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So here's the latest. He told me that when he left the other day he broke down with the money he had for gas to get where he was going and bought pills. He did them and then he came back.

He said he was leaving today and even told the kids that he had a drug problem and that he had to go away and told them never to do drugs. The kids cried, begged, and pleaded for him to stay. I was heartbroken for them but I stood my ground. I told the kids that I have always made sure they had what they wanted and needed, that I loved them, that I would still be here, and that I would still make sure they had what they wanted and needed. I told them their dad was over 18 and I could not make him stay or be better because he is an adult.

I did not cave but then my son came to me and told me his dad left. I looked and while he did not he was in his car on the phone. He came back in and said he was leaving. He then told me that he called his guy for pills but that the guy did not have any until next week. When I asked how he was going to get money he told me his mom was going to put it on a prepaid mastercard for him for gas and that he was going to pay her back when he got unemployment. CRAZY!

He is now sober and has been going through withdrawals for the past few days going through withdrawals as I suspected. He has changed his tune though and now says he loves his family and does not want to leave but does not see how anything or anybody can help him being it did not work in the past.

He is playing with the kids in the back and I love to see this side.

For the sake of our whole family I would like to see him succumb to help and for it to work.
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Old 12-26-2010, 04:14 PM
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Hello Beautifulgirl,

My heart goes out to you. I understand. I was in a similar situation (I have only one child but in addition to our child, I felt like my AH was 5 kids when he was actively drinking & smoking pot). I had similar conversations with my AH and basically he was saying to me that he would not quit even if it was hurting him and our family. (I ended up leaving since he wouldn't leave and I didn't want any more drama. My husband got worse, hit bottom and then entered rehab.)

You have so much on your plate. There is so much you have to worry about. Your kids really need you more than ever. Sometimes we hang onto our addicted partners believing in all of their positive qualities (usually fantasies) and believing that our children need their father (or mother). What our children need is at least one sane, healthy, secure, loving, dedicated adult-parent. Don't be hard on yourself, Beautifulgirl.
You are doing the best you can. Keep reading. Keep posting. Keep listening to your Higher Powers. They will guide you gently toward the path you need to be on. And let your AH's Higher Powers guide him. In the meantime, take good care of yourself and those five precious children of yours who depend on you. You and your children are what matter right now.

I pray for you and for your husband, as well. Your husband will need to crash hard before there is even a possibility of recovery. As long as those substances are in his mind and body, his ability to care, to feel, to empathize, to love anyone (himself, his wife, his children,etc.) will be void. You know this and this is why you've set that boundary (no drugs!). . . he isn't ready yet. Maybe, one day, he will be. . .but it isn't today.

Beautifulgirl, please take care. Sending healing, warm thoughts your way.
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Old 12-26-2010, 05:16 PM
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It breaks my heart that you were posting this on Christmas Day, gee. I have been off of the site for a couple of days...which I am grateful for having peace during this holiday time.

None of us can tell you what to do, and your post has cycled through a lot already. You have kind of landed back to square one and boy do I relate to that. Been there so, so many times myself. I have given up, then AH would do good for a day, then I'd let hope settle in, then he'd go off the deep end again, I'd be a mess again, and the cycle would continue. It is a horrible place to be.

The realities are not pretty for us. We have choices, but not a one of them seem good from the side we are on. Especially for those that still have love for our spouses, nothing looks good - living with them nor leaving or getting out. Speaking from VERY recent experience (my AH has been living somewhere else for 2 weeks) things reached a very high level of painful for me as I worked through the steps to get him out the door. I don't think it could ever "feel" good to go through this. And for some crazy reason, I thought I'd reach a point where I would have no doubts and it would be somewhat easy...I waited for that for 5 YEARS!!!

So this Christmas I handled on my own terms for the very first time. I have felt some peace over the past fews days for the first time in years. Wow...

A few things to think about...your children with autism could very well be eligible for SSI (social security income), if your income is a at certain level. Please look into that.

As far as your sons and their dad's influence, I signed up my son for Boy Scouts. I didn't do this because his dad was not around, however, I did it for fun reasons, but have found it to be good in this area for him.

****{HUGS}}} to you and I hope you are able to figure things out for yourself very soon. Prayers for a miracle that your AH will seek treatment instead of leaving his family. Not sure what pills he is on, but opiates require assistance it seems for most people. Take care.
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Old 12-26-2010, 06:07 PM
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I am sorry that you are going through this. I understand how hard it is to live with a pill abuser. My RABF was also addicted to pills. It is difficult for them to stop, and they need to have a recovery plan in place. Even when they stop, they can relapse which can be hard on the addict and the family. Has you AH reached out for help? Has he gone to any meetings? Has he seen a counselor? It sounds like he isn't much help to you considering he doesn't have a job. If anything, he sounds like he is an extra burden on top of you having to deal with the children. I don't think it is too much to ask him not to smoke pot. You have set your boundary. You should be allowed to be comfortable in your home and have boundaries for yourself. It sounds like he wouldn't be able to help you buy a house anyway. The fact that he is unemployed would not help your credit situation. If anything, he may be borrowing a lot of money and not paying it off. That could make your credit situation worse.
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Old 12-26-2010, 06:33 PM
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So he broke the kids hearts and then changed his mind? How is this helpful to the kids? Kids LOVE their parents no matter what..they NEED stability and this kind of drama is going to leave its mark. Have you read the adult children of alcoholics posts? It can give some insight as to what your kids are going through and the possible outcomes of an addicted parent living in the home.
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Old 12-26-2010, 08:14 PM
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"He is now sober...."

He isn't sober.
He is "dry".
Sobriety implies he is taking the steps necessary to help himself, and getting the help that he needs to stay off drugs.

Right now he's just "dry"....until he gets more pills.
He is not able to manage his addiction on his own, and you are not able to manage his addiction either.

Until you both come to realize this,
which is the hardest step ( you are powerless )...
history will keep repeating itself.

Good you are here with us at SR.
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Old 12-26-2010, 10:20 PM
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Ok. He is dry, not sober. You are right. At this point he has to do what he needs to do. I really can't worry about it. He has been talking the talk of shame all night and saying he does not want to do pills anymore. He keeps checking on the kids too while they are sleeping and saying that he loves them. He could be pulling the wool over my eyes but I just want it to be true.

It is very sad that our children are going through this. I want nothing more than for my children to just be able to be children. I also want them to have their dad though and they want to have their dad too.
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Old 12-27-2010, 04:24 AM
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It's OK beautifulgirl -- we do what we think is right at the time and you are doing the best you can. I know you are.

Since his funds have been cut off, he may start to do some really crazy things to get money, so be vigilant. Have you locked up all your valuables?

Does he have a plan for getting and staying sober? Or is he white-knuckling it?

Your SR Family is here for YOU. ((((Hugs))))
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Old 12-27-2010, 05:49 AM
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oh, my heart goes out to you.

as much as time allows, if you can build a support system i think that would be helpful. use that respite care to regularly attend al-anon meetings. the circle of friends you deserve, and should, have, need to be good and kind and understanding people - meaning they can relate to how you feel about all of this.

i agree that you need to cut this man loose, despite your fears. the fears are grounded, but you don't have a chance of serenity if you do not. let the chips fall where they may (not easy i know) and you will find solutions to the problems that come up. right now the biggest problem at hand is the addict living under your roof.

does he even help at all with the children? because in my opinion, he is doing much more harm than any good that might be happening. also realize, that you are modeled what a wife tolerates for your kids, as well as he modeling what a husband/father does.
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Old 12-27-2010, 08:20 AM
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Tjp, He is white knuckling it. We discussed that he was going to feel the need to get more and that his mind was going to tell him that he needs more but he says he is going to fight it.

He was a little over the top last night. He told the kids many many times he was not leaving. Once or twice was enough.

He does dishes, cleans, plays with the kids, and cares when he is not messed up.

I am being vigilant. He has no money from me and I had him give me his wedding ring and jewelry yesterday.

He has had outpatient treatment once before. The only other option would be inpatient treatment which he does not want. He says he is done. His last day was Christmas Eve. We shall see.
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Old 12-27-2010, 02:11 PM
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How does he feel about going to NA or AA meetings? That would help!!

He was on opiates, right? From what I understand that is extremely difficult to kick, and almost impossible to do without lots of medical and psychological support. Has he been to a doctor? Preferably an addiction specialist?

Can he call the outpatient clinic he was at last time to get some support and guidance?

Well, all you can do is take care of you and the kids anyway. Remember, look at his actions for signs of 'progress' and disregard the words--especially if the two are not matching up.

One day at a time, OK?
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Old 12-27-2010, 02:30 PM
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If nothing changes nothing changes. And the cycle perpetuates itself.

I'm assuming you must get some kind of assistance from the state since neither of you is working and you have so many children with special needs. Are your children getting enough to eat? Do you have a social worker assigned to your case?
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Old 12-27-2010, 03:57 PM
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Originally Posted by keepinon View Post
So he broke the kids hearts and then changed his mind? How is this helpful to the kids? Kids LOVE their parents no matter what..they NEED stability and this kind of drama is going to leave its mark. Have you read the adult children of alcoholics posts? It can give some insight as to what your kids are going through and the possible outcomes of an addicted parent living in the home.
It's a big flashback to when I was young (my father is a recovering alcoholic). The promises. The gifts. The time he'd spend with us, building up our hopes, making us believe he was dad of the year, superman, a magical wizard all in one, fail swoop . . .

Only to be let down again (and again and again X10) when he'd be swigging liquor in the kitchen. I remember being 12 or 13 when I remember finally "getting it." That dad was only happy and in good cheer when he was lying to us (and himself) or when he was wasted.

The long trips out "to get something at the store" only to come back home 4 hours later. I remember crying myself to sleep on the floor of his bedroom just because I wanted him to see how much what he did hurt me. It was never enough to stop him and soon, all the Christmas Card moments became tainted by his use/abuse.

An active user's IQ plummets. A child's grows. When the children reach the point when they're smarter about their addicted loved one, well, it's a lonely place when nobody is there to pick up the pieces and you have to hoof it out alone. I wouldn't wish that on any child.

Just sharing a personal experience.

I agree with the poster who said he needs a plan--an active one. He needs to sit down, write it out and start making calls. What are you plans as a couple? Are they written out? Are they formally stated?

Many hugs to you, hon.
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