I am embarrassed, ashamed, sad, and confused.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
I am embarrassed, ashamed, sad, and confused.
A few days ago I told my AH to leave. Shortly after he left though I called him and asked where he was going. He told me he was going to stay with his mom who lived 3000 miles away.
I panicked. I thought how are my boys going to do the boy things without him. I thought how am I going to take care of my 5 kids all by myself. We are currently in the process of getting a loan modification and I thought if he was not here we would get foreclosed on and if we did where would we go? We have chains on every door of our house because our autistic two year old can escape out of any door quickly even when childproofed. Who would rent a place to me and let me put chains on every door? Who would put the heavy stuff together or do what I could not?
I told him to come back. I did not want the kids to miss Christmas with him and I told him no more drugs. I had no hope really though. He came back and the past few days have been hell. He has been telling me to just give pot a chance and that he would never do pills again if he could just smoke pot.
I said no over and over and explained why. I care about my kids too much to put them in danger so his illegal desire could be fulfilled.
Today was Christmas. I got him a nice xmas present. Santa came for the kids. He did not get me anything. Nothing. He did not even tell me Merry Christmas. Of course I felt bad.
After the morning hours he gave me an ultimatum. The ultimatum is either I give him a chance to smoke pot or he is going to leave all of us. He says he loves us all but he just does not see him being completely drug free.
I told him that we need him; the kids and I. I cried of deep sadness. He does not care. I cannot do anything to bring his heart back to life for us at this time.
I don't know how to cope or to let him go when he leaves. I don't know if he is bluffing. I feel completely defeated and I do not know where to go from here and how I am going to be able to do it on my own if I have to.
I panicked. I thought how are my boys going to do the boy things without him. I thought how am I going to take care of my 5 kids all by myself. We are currently in the process of getting a loan modification and I thought if he was not here we would get foreclosed on and if we did where would we go? We have chains on every door of our house because our autistic two year old can escape out of any door quickly even when childproofed. Who would rent a place to me and let me put chains on every door? Who would put the heavy stuff together or do what I could not?
I told him to come back. I did not want the kids to miss Christmas with him and I told him no more drugs. I had no hope really though. He came back and the past few days have been hell. He has been telling me to just give pot a chance and that he would never do pills again if he could just smoke pot.
I said no over and over and explained why. I care about my kids too much to put them in danger so his illegal desire could be fulfilled.
Today was Christmas. I got him a nice xmas present. Santa came for the kids. He did not get me anything. Nothing. He did not even tell me Merry Christmas. Of course I felt bad.
After the morning hours he gave me an ultimatum. The ultimatum is either I give him a chance to smoke pot or he is going to leave all of us. He says he loves us all but he just does not see him being completely drug free.
I told him that we need him; the kids and I. I cried of deep sadness. He does not care. I cannot do anything to bring his heart back to life for us at this time.
I don't know how to cope or to let him go when he leaves. I don't know if he is bluffing. I feel completely defeated and I do not know where to go from here and how I am going to be able to do it on my own if I have to.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
I don't know. Maybe he is, maybe not. I know he wants to get high and he can't here so he may be telling the truth.
I know that I should let him go. He has been my life though for the past 11 years and my children would just be so sad to have their dad gone.
The lack of emotion and reaction when I cry makes him seem like the devil to me.
I know that I should let him go. He has been my life though for the past 11 years and my children would just be so sad to have their dad gone.
The lack of emotion and reaction when I cry makes him seem like the devil to me.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
He says he loves us all but he just does not see him being completely drug free.
I cannot do anything to bring his heart back to life for us at this time.
I feel completely defeated and I do not know where to go from here and how I am going to be able to do it on my own if I have to.
you might not know right now how you are going to do it on your own, but you will figure it out.
you are much stronger than you think.
take care of today. bring it back to this moment and try to calm down.
i am sorry i cant give you a big hug. you certainly need one.
do you deal with an autistic society or group of some kind? they might be able to help you or hook you up with some assistance.
since your son is autistic you will get help from the state, you must apply.
you can do this beautiful girl, you made it this far.
Beth
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
The answer is pretty simple if you want to take a back seat to his drug abuse than that is your choose. I know being an addict myself I loved my husband but as much as I hated it he loved his dope more. It also depends on how much more drama are you willing to live with? I live alone now and I had all your fears but I wanted my drama free life back more than I wanted to keep playing a dead end game with him, but it took several times of him leaving till I had, had enough. Maybe try getting some support through Alanon a program for the family and loved ones of alcoholics/pot or whatever. You don't have to live in this caous unless you choose to. Peace & Blessings 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
Hi Beth, Thank you so much. I really could use hug. We have 5 children. 3 of them have autism. I am a member of the Center of Autism Related Disabilities. There are not many resources in my county though.
I inquired about respite services which is offered in many areas and provides free or sliding cost special needs child care. This would allow me to get out by myself for an hour or two a week. I am waiting for a response.
I have so much on my plate. I am self employed too and have also got to find a way to continue to run my business while I am falling apart emotionally.
I inquired about respite services which is offered in many areas and provides free or sliding cost special needs child care. This would allow me to get out by myself for an hour or two a week. I am waiting for a response.
I have so much on my plate. I am self employed too and have also got to find a way to continue to run my business while I am falling apart emotionally.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Don't be embarassed or ashamed. You are a mom trying to figure out how to give the best life possible to her kids. Add on a special needs child (my son is very autistic) and the stress multiplies. That is when you have to go one day at a time. Maybe even one hour at a time. Try not to project too far into the future.
My thoughts....
Is his mom going to let him smoke pot as he wants to? Where is he going to go when he wears out his welcome with his family? He is resenting you because you are trying to set boundaries for your family, that is all. His head is too much in a muddle to even know how to love at this point.
You don't have to have all the answers today or even tomorrow. But hopefully you can turn to someone for support, there are support groups for parents with special needs kids. Oh and a landlord by law can't refuse to rent to you because you have a child with special needs. But that is still down the road so until that issue comes up, then put it out of your mind for now.
Deep breaths and you will be ok.
My thoughts....
Is his mom going to let him smoke pot as he wants to? Where is he going to go when he wears out his welcome with his family? He is resenting you because you are trying to set boundaries for your family, that is all. His head is too much in a muddle to even know how to love at this point.
You don't have to have all the answers today or even tomorrow. But hopefully you can turn to someone for support, there are support groups for parents with special needs kids. Oh and a landlord by law can't refuse to rent to you because you have a child with special needs. But that is still down the road so until that issue comes up, then put it out of your mind for now.
Deep breaths and you will be ok.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
Cynical One, I do not have any friends and all of my neighbors are very private. All I have is my children and me. My parents are a few hours away and they have no compassion for me in this situation. I have no other family nearby. I have to do it by myself.
Babyblue, Thank you so much. I need to leave the future for later. I have enough to think about now. He told me he told his mom he would not be staying for long; just a place to rest his head while he waited for a call back to go to work. He also said she did not want him to come but would let him and that she told him he should really try to work it out with me. He said he also told her he did not see himself not using any drugs at all and that is why he had to leave.
Babyblue, Thank you so much. I need to leave the future for later. I have enough to think about now. He told me he told his mom he would not be staying for long; just a place to rest his head while he waited for a call back to go to work. He also said she did not want him to come but would let him and that she told him he should really try to work it out with me. He said he also told her he did not see himself not using any drugs at all and that is why he had to leave.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I'm so sorry, beautifulgirl 
What a tough situation for you -- my heart goes out to you. It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that a "man" would leave his wife and 5 kids so that he can smoke dope. If that is the nature of his true character, then it's quite possible you are really better off if he is gone. I know that's hard to see now. If I were you I'd rent out one of those rooms to someone who will help you watch the children for room & board. Perhaps that is a possibility for you and might just be a perfect opportunity for a student or older person.
I'll add you to my prayer box for sure. ((((Hugs))))
What a tough situation for you -- my heart goes out to you. It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that a "man" would leave his wife and 5 kids so that he can smoke dope. If that is the nature of his true character, then it's quite possible you are really better off if he is gone. I know that's hard to see now. If I were you I'd rent out one of those rooms to someone who will help you watch the children for room & board. Perhaps that is a possibility for you and might just be a perfect opportunity for a student or older person. I'll add you to my prayer box for sure. ((((Hugs))))
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((BeautifulGirl))) - sweetie, I'm an RA (recovering addict) and pot IS a drug. He's still using something to help him "deal" with life. IMO, he's acting like a child...I want what I want, when I want it.
I'm sorry for what you have on your plate. I have a 2nd cousin (more like a niece) who is severly autistic. Her mom and dad (my cousins) have gone through all kinds of support, but they are dealiing with a daughter who needs 1-to-1 care, 24 hours a day and she is in her 30's.
Whether he's bluffing or not, I think it's time he deals with his consequences...let him "lose" his family....let his mom deal with him. I feel he will soon wear out his welcome with her, and be on his own.
That's what it took for me to seek recovery. I'm also a recovering codie (codependent)..had 3 XABF's, as I'm a slow learner. Today? Thanks to SR and the great people here, I realize that I don't have to put up with someone else's issues. If they can't ADD to my life, if I can't handle my life on my own...without needing someone else to "complete me", then I'm off kilter.
Please know that I have no kids with any of my ex's. I did get to know one of their kids, and was disheartened at what his son had learned from my ex.
I needed to learn that I'm okay...by myself..just as I am. I can set boundaries (such as "you will NOT do any drugs around me") and it would work out. My last XABF died..from his addicitons. I know, thanks to SR and the great people here, that I'd done my best and it was his actions that ended his life. I couldn't save him...even though we shared the same addiction, I had moved to recovery, he didn't.
I think support is crucial. I've done okay with SR and some f2f people who love me, but some people need al-anon, nar-anon, or counseling..or all of them. We're led to believe the things our A (addict/alcholic) tells us and it's hard to get back to a place where we can believe in ourself.
However, it's not only possible, but it's probable that when you find support for yourself? You realize you can handle a lot more than you thought possible. You CAN live the live you and your kids desereve...a life filled with serenity, peace and calm. Even through the tough times, there are people who understand and care.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm sorry for what you have on your plate. I have a 2nd cousin (more like a niece) who is severly autistic. Her mom and dad (my cousins) have gone through all kinds of support, but they are dealiing with a daughter who needs 1-to-1 care, 24 hours a day and she is in her 30's.
Whether he's bluffing or not, I think it's time he deals with his consequences...let him "lose" his family....let his mom deal with him. I feel he will soon wear out his welcome with her, and be on his own.
That's what it took for me to seek recovery. I'm also a recovering codie (codependent)..had 3 XABF's, as I'm a slow learner. Today? Thanks to SR and the great people here, I realize that I don't have to put up with someone else's issues. If they can't ADD to my life, if I can't handle my life on my own...without needing someone else to "complete me", then I'm off kilter.
Please know that I have no kids with any of my ex's. I did get to know one of their kids, and was disheartened at what his son had learned from my ex.
I needed to learn that I'm okay...by myself..just as I am. I can set boundaries (such as "you will NOT do any drugs around me") and it would work out. My last XABF died..from his addicitons. I know, thanks to SR and the great people here, that I'd done my best and it was his actions that ended his life. I couldn't save him...even though we shared the same addiction, I had moved to recovery, he didn't.
I think support is crucial. I've done okay with SR and some f2f people who love me, but some people need al-anon, nar-anon, or counseling..or all of them. We're led to believe the things our A (addict/alcholic) tells us and it's hard to get back to a place where we can believe in ourself.
However, it's not only possible, but it's probable that when you find support for yourself? You realize you can handle a lot more than you thought possible. You CAN live the live you and your kids desereve...a life filled with serenity, peace and calm. Even through the tough times, there are people who understand and care.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I'm so sorry, beautiful.
Are your parents "unsympathetic" for any particular reason?
I'm asking because if you strip away his involvement and his drug use and his existence at all, would they still be unsympathetic? Or, are they setting their own emotional boundaries (that you know of)?
Does that make sense?
I'm just asking because if they didn't think you were serious about leaving him or changing your life in the past, they might have hardened themselves to avoid being hurt (having to watch you suffer).
Is it possible that they aren't aware of how dire the situation is now?
I agree that he sounds like he's bluffing and that he's counting on you caving.
What is your relationship with his parents? His relationship? Are they aware of his addiction?
I wish I had answers for you, hon. I'm sorry. I'm just throwing questions out there in hopes of sparking some kind of alternative in your mind.
Where it stands now, he has 100% of the power. "YOU let ME do this, or ELSE."
Having 5 kids, I'm sure you know what a tantrum looks like. He's definitely having one.
Are your parents "unsympathetic" for any particular reason?
I'm asking because if you strip away his involvement and his drug use and his existence at all, would they still be unsympathetic? Or, are they setting their own emotional boundaries (that you know of)?
Does that make sense?
I'm just asking because if they didn't think you were serious about leaving him or changing your life in the past, they might have hardened themselves to avoid being hurt (having to watch you suffer).
Is it possible that they aren't aware of how dire the situation is now?
I agree that he sounds like he's bluffing and that he's counting on you caving.
What is your relationship with his parents? His relationship? Are they aware of his addiction?
I wish I had answers for you, hon. I'm sorry. I'm just throwing questions out there in hopes of sparking some kind of alternative in your mind.
Where it stands now, he has 100% of the power. "YOU let ME do this, or ELSE."
Having 5 kids, I'm sure you know what a tantrum looks like. He's definitely having one.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
Thank you Impurrfect. I would not condone pot smoking either. It is illegal and impairs one's ability to think, act, and react which is not anything I want my children to be around or be influenced by. I have set my boundaries. My AH is behaving like a child with the exception that a child still shows emotion. He is not showing any emotion which is worse. His poor mom was in an accident earlier this year and lost her leg. She does not need this on top of what she has been through.
Zombie Wife, My parents never liked my husband. They would let me stay in their house if I needed to however it would be very uncomfortable with all of my children and that would be the extent of their help. My mom would not watch my 2 yr old because he is too Autistic and she does not know how to care for him. They do not have sympathy for me because I am a grown adult and responsible for the choices I have made. My parents know exactly how the situation is now and the more they hear the more my father tells my mother to hang up on me.
I do not talk to his parents often but I called his parents in a few months ago and felt bad telling his mom that I thought her son was going to die if he used drugs again because he fell asleep behind the wheel at work and was fired for having an accident. I asked her to talk to him just to say she loved him and to give hime some guidance but she did not. She has gone through a lot this year though. Her life was changed instantly when she lost her leg in an accident herself.
He is waiting for me to cave but I can't because I can't and won't put my children in danger so he can get high.
Zombie Wife, My parents never liked my husband. They would let me stay in their house if I needed to however it would be very uncomfortable with all of my children and that would be the extent of their help. My mom would not watch my 2 yr old because he is too Autistic and she does not know how to care for him. They do not have sympathy for me because I am a grown adult and responsible for the choices I have made. My parents know exactly how the situation is now and the more they hear the more my father tells my mother to hang up on me.
I do not talk to his parents often but I called his parents in a few months ago and felt bad telling his mom that I thought her son was going to die if he used drugs again because he fell asleep behind the wheel at work and was fired for having an accident. I asked her to talk to him just to say she loved him and to give hime some guidance but she did not. She has gone through a lot this year though. Her life was changed instantly when she lost her leg in an accident herself.
He is waiting for me to cave but I can't because I can't and won't put my children in danger so he can get high.
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Hi...
Sorry for what you are going through. My exhusband was the addict in my life and it took several tries before I really meant it when I told him not to return home. There were many nights I told him to leave only to pull him back asking him not to leave when he would start to walk out the door. There is no shame in that. All of our self doubts come rushing into our mind and in that one moment we become afraid to really let go.
Is he bluffing? He could be...or he might not be. You would never know unless you let it play itself out.
But...just a thought...even when he is there is he really there supporting you...helping you? Or are you acting as a single parent already? Is he only there as a physical presence becoming an extra person that you have to care for? Does he even bring in money to help financially or does his money finance his drug habit? Harsh realities of living with a drug abuser are never pretty, never happy and never beneficial.
All I know is that drug abusers are very selfish in their needs and wants because drugs suck away the very essence of what was once good.
My exhusband tells me now that he never believed that I would truly kick him out for good and divorce him because he always thought I would take him back. Why wouldn't he...I did take him back time and time again. Did he recover right away after I made all of my decisions final?....No. It took him another year and a half, an accident at his job and a true threat that if he is caught with drugs in his system again he would lose his job.
Everyone's scenario plays out differently but we don't know how it'll play out until we let it run its course.
Sorry for what you are going through. My exhusband was the addict in my life and it took several tries before I really meant it when I told him not to return home. There were many nights I told him to leave only to pull him back asking him not to leave when he would start to walk out the door. There is no shame in that. All of our self doubts come rushing into our mind and in that one moment we become afraid to really let go.
Is he bluffing? He could be...or he might not be. You would never know unless you let it play itself out.
But...just a thought...even when he is there is he really there supporting you...helping you? Or are you acting as a single parent already? Is he only there as a physical presence becoming an extra person that you have to care for? Does he even bring in money to help financially or does his money finance his drug habit? Harsh realities of living with a drug abuser are never pretty, never happy and never beneficial.
All I know is that drug abusers are very selfish in their needs and wants because drugs suck away the very essence of what was once good.
My exhusband tells me now that he never believed that I would truly kick him out for good and divorce him because he always thought I would take him back. Why wouldn't he...I did take him back time and time again. Did he recover right away after I made all of my decisions final?....No. It took him another year and a half, an accident at his job and a true threat that if he is caught with drugs in his system again he would lose his job.
Everyone's scenario plays out differently but we don't know how it'll play out until we let it run its course.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
Good morning all.
Cupcake, He is not working. He went to start a fantastic job about a week ago. He was all gung ho. This was his chance to clean it up forever. Then the company told him he had to have a substance abuse evaluation because he failed a drug test in 2002. He complied and spent $125 to have it. When he returned the company wanted to enforce a rule starting then that he would unclothe for his drug test and allow someone to watch him urinate for drug testing. That was too much for him and he said no thanks. I do make him get up and do stuff for the family that I can't do and sometimes I get the opportunity to sleep in because he gets up with the kids.
Today is a different day. Usually he is up very early watching ESPN. Today he is still sleeping. It is unusual. He is probably suffering from depression right now.
Cupcake, He is not working. He went to start a fantastic job about a week ago. He was all gung ho. This was his chance to clean it up forever. Then the company told him he had to have a substance abuse evaluation because he failed a drug test in 2002. He complied and spent $125 to have it. When he returned the company wanted to enforce a rule starting then that he would unclothe for his drug test and allow someone to watch him urinate for drug testing. That was too much for him and he said no thanks. I do make him get up and do stuff for the family that I can't do and sometimes I get the opportunity to sleep in because he gets up with the kids.
Today is a different day. Usually he is up very early watching ESPN. Today he is still sleeping. It is unusual. He is probably suffering from depression right now.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
So let me get this straight...
He's unemployed but still manages to find money for his drug habits.
He gave YOU and ultimatum.."Let me do drugs, or I walk."
Who is financing this man?
He's unemployed but still manages to find money for his drug habits.
He gave YOU and ultimatum.."Let me do drugs, or I walk."
Who is financing this man?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
Sofacat, He had full access to our bank accounts until December 10th which is when I found out he was using again. He was lying and saying he was using money on stuff for the kids but he was not. On December 11th I had him removed from our bank accounts and took all credit cards away from him. Since then I think he has been clean but he has been going through withdrawals I am sure.
If he wants drugs he has no choice but to leave because he has to go to work to make money and be able to spend it how he wants because he has no money for it here.
If he wants drugs he has no choice but to leave because he has to go to work to make money and be able to spend it how he wants because he has no money for it here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Beautifulgirl, bless your heart! I can't even begin to fathom having not one, but three children with autism, and 5 children total. I pray that you hear something encouraging from respite services soon. 
Please keep posting, and all of you will be in my prayers, dear.
Please keep posting, and all of you will be in my prayers, dear.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
so sorry your going through this beatifulgirl..please know your not alone. Please reach out to people for help. you will be surprised that once you decide to let him go others will be there for you. I too was scared, I panicked
about the future without him, the house, the bills, etc.etc..today 1 year later
Im still here. but Im not living with addiction anymore and all the drama
and nonsense of having a grown adult acting like a spoiled child controlling me. I dont have to put up with false love and false promises anymore either.
I would start by calling agencies for help, child care, low cost or free lawyers, utility assistance, food assistance, anything you can, get help working with your bank too, I truly dont think they will throw you out with your children if you have a hardship..maybe call a local church. there are professional volunteers available too,to help.I hope for your sake and the childrens sake you can make that decision to let him go. I truly believe your family and others will step right on in to help you.
The 1 thing I did alot of is project, try not to project its the worse thing
as often times things dont pan out as you think they will.
keep getting support, we are all here for you beautiful girl
sending you a huge hug!!!!!!!!!!!
about the future without him, the house, the bills, etc.etc..today 1 year later
Im still here. but Im not living with addiction anymore and all the drama
and nonsense of having a grown adult acting like a spoiled child controlling me. I dont have to put up with false love and false promises anymore either.
I would start by calling agencies for help, child care, low cost or free lawyers, utility assistance, food assistance, anything you can, get help working with your bank too, I truly dont think they will throw you out with your children if you have a hardship..maybe call a local church. there are professional volunteers available too,to help.I hope for your sake and the childrens sake you can make that decision to let him go. I truly believe your family and others will step right on in to help you.
The 1 thing I did alot of is project, try not to project its the worse thing
as often times things dont pan out as you think they will.
keep getting support, we are all here for you beautiful girl
sending you a huge hug!!!!!!!!!!!
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
"On December 11th I had him removed from our bank accounts and took all credit cards away from him."
That's a great start. Keep working on you. What other boundaries have you put in place for yourself and your children?
That's a great start. Keep working on you. What other boundaries have you put in place for yourself and your children?
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