When he gets out......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
You guys are all the best. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. If there is one thing I have learned here on SR it's that as "different" as all of our situations are, they are very much the same.
I am going to take a little bit of everyone's advice here. I'm going to pray. I'm going to trust that as this discussion takes place by Higher Power will guide me. I'm going to advise my son that our home is not the best place for him or for us. And I will use Freedom's formula for explaining boundaries and time frames.
Thanks again. Your feedback helps more than you all know.
gentle hugs
I am going to take a little bit of everyone's advice here. I'm going to pray. I'm going to trust that as this discussion takes place by Higher Power will guide me. I'm going to advise my son that our home is not the best place for him or for us. And I will use Freedom's formula for explaining boundaries and time frames.
Thanks again. Your feedback helps more than you all know.
gentle hugs
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Kindeyes, this is as much "your" issue as his...as far as living in your home is concerned and I know it's a hard decision to make.
The last few times I let my son live at home it was after several months of sobriety at a rehab, I was a little wiser from previous experiences and I had to decide what I could live with and what I could not.
My boundary was "I will allow my son to live in my home for two months as long as he remains clean and is active in some kind of recovery program/aftercare/SLE waiting list, etc. I will allow him to stay if he is respectful and if I have no reason to even suspect he may be using drugs again. In this two months he must be working on finding a job and supporting himself, or finding other recovery living that allows him to take more time. If there is no indication of a plan to move forward, the deal is off."
My plan to enforce this boundary was "If this should become uncomfortable for me at any time for any reason, he will be asked to leave within 2 weeks, at which time the locks will be changed if he has not gone with his belongings. If it becomes obvious that he is using, or if any drug paraphernalia of any kind is found in my home, immediate eviction will take place."
By the time (in my recovery) that I made this boundary, I knew I was prepared to enforce the consequence if it all went bad...which it did, but it doesn't for everyone. I made the choice to stay or leave all his. Follow the rules and stay...break the rules and get out.
And if I had felt uncomfortable at all with the whole arrangement, I would have simply said "no".
Sometimes we over complicate things and should just go with our gut and our heart....gut first.
Hugs
The last few times I let my son live at home it was after several months of sobriety at a rehab, I was a little wiser from previous experiences and I had to decide what I could live with and what I could not.
My boundary was "I will allow my son to live in my home for two months as long as he remains clean and is active in some kind of recovery program/aftercare/SLE waiting list, etc. I will allow him to stay if he is respectful and if I have no reason to even suspect he may be using drugs again. In this two months he must be working on finding a job and supporting himself, or finding other recovery living that allows him to take more time. If there is no indication of a plan to move forward, the deal is off."
My plan to enforce this boundary was "If this should become uncomfortable for me at any time for any reason, he will be asked to leave within 2 weeks, at which time the locks will be changed if he has not gone with his belongings. If it becomes obvious that he is using, or if any drug paraphernalia of any kind is found in my home, immediate eviction will take place."
By the time (in my recovery) that I made this boundary, I knew I was prepared to enforce the consequence if it all went bad...which it did, but it doesn't for everyone. I made the choice to stay or leave all his. Follow the rules and stay...break the rules and get out.
And if I had felt uncomfortable at all with the whole arrangement, I would have simply said "no".
Sometimes we over complicate things and should just go with our gut and our heart....gut first.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 112
Kindeyes,
As you might know our daughter was just finishing up two months of outpatient rehab. We were hesitant about letting her live at home during this time but we did. Things seemed to be going well at first - she was keeping her room clean, going to group, searching out NA and AA meetings... but then I noticed things beginning to slip in these areas. Finally, she broke one of our rules - "No drug paraphernalia in the house." Of course she had her excuse but the rule was set up pretty black and white, leaving no room for excuses. She knew the consequence - we had to ask her to leave and it is heart wrenching doing that. It is even more heart wrenching, now that she is gone, knowing she feels lost and alone. I feel like we've done all we can to help her... I don't know what else there is beside letting her go and praying for her return. I'm saying a prayer for you as I type this that God will direct your steps and continue to give you a heart of love and wisdom as you interact with your son. I wish you and your family all the best.
Hope
As you might know our daughter was just finishing up two months of outpatient rehab. We were hesitant about letting her live at home during this time but we did. Things seemed to be going well at first - she was keeping her room clean, going to group, searching out NA and AA meetings... but then I noticed things beginning to slip in these areas. Finally, she broke one of our rules - "No drug paraphernalia in the house." Of course she had her excuse but the rule was set up pretty black and white, leaving no room for excuses. She knew the consequence - we had to ask her to leave and it is heart wrenching doing that. It is even more heart wrenching, now that she is gone, knowing she feels lost and alone. I feel like we've done all we can to help her... I don't know what else there is beside letting her go and praying for her return. I'm saying a prayer for you as I type this that God will direct your steps and continue to give you a heart of love and wisdom as you interact with your son. I wish you and your family all the best.
Hope
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I found my recovery suffered seriously when I gave my daughter (and her rehab counselor) the option of home being a temporary solution. The thing is, no matter how well intentioned the counselors are, placement is the final part of their job and they need to get it done. So allowing for a temporary solution solves their problem when there is a waiting period before an opening in a sober living home. The home my daughter wanted to attend required 30 days clean...Right out of rehab would have done it...Coming home did not and she struggled and relapsed and could never string enough days to make 30 and be able to go. I struggled too and had a very hard time not trying to control her recovery instead of focusing on my own.
If I had it to do over I would have established very firm boundaries with my daughter and the counselor that home was not an option - long or short term. It was not good for either of us.
If I had it to do over I would have established very firm boundaries with my daughter and the counselor that home was not an option - long or short term. It was not good for either of us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Well, we began the discussion......at least to let him know that we will pay for the Oxford House until he gets his feet underneath him. We also explained that we don't think that coming to live with us is his best option. At about that point, someone walked up and interrupted our discussion. But we don't need to repeat ourselves 100 times either. We got our point across.
We'll just take it one day at a time and see what happens. I'm trusting my HP.
gentle hugs
We'll just take it one day at a time and see what happens. I'm trusting my HP.
gentle hugs
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