lostdad3

I just don't think I can keep going this way. My wife is now 5 months into recovery, 4 months home. She is going to meetings, and things seem to have been getting better between us, then she throws a temper tantrum when I ask a simple question. She is driving me CRAZY.

She goes out to meetings every night. I take care of our 3 children when I get home from work, and on the weekends. When she gets frustrated at the kids, she lashes out at me. She gets dressed up every night, except for the night of the women's meeting. She is doing face masks, and gets make-up to hide the wrinkles, she has bought all these undergarments to hold her in. Now she has started to diet.

She sits around all day in her night-gown and sweat pants, until it is time to get ready for the meeting. I have read the forums and seen about NA being a good "hook-up" place.

It just seems that the focus for my wife is VANITY. She is concerned about what everyone else thinks about her....neighbors, her friends, etc. As far as what I think or feel, F!@$ you! The addiction has been kept very hush hush and kept from her parents and most of her friends.

Now the holidays are upon us. I want to keep things good for the kids, but I don't think I can do this with her ANYMORE. It's putting up the facade that drives me CRAZY. Like her psychatrist told me when she was diagnosed with Bipolar and ADD, she has put stucco on a shaky foundation for years, and from what I see, she is just continuing to do just that (literally - the face masks and make-up).

I don't want to control her, and she doesn't want to let me "in". As she has told me. Well learning that she was an addict after being together for 13.5 years, will she every "let me in?"

lightseeker

hi Lostdad3,

I am truly sorry for your situation and the angst that is occurring. I definitely hear you and understand what you are saying. Your comments remind me of what the big book of AA says....that the drinking (drug using?) is just a symptom of the real problem....it's a problem with the spirit/the ability to live life.

Your situation points out how getting sober is just the beginning of the true beginning. The ability to live life on life's terms seems to escape a lot of people.

Only you can determine when enough is enough. Hopefully, you are working a program of your own. I know that that is what has kept me sane through the last 5 years. It sounds like your wife has a lot going on with her besides just getting sober. My sober husband has ADD and bipolar as well so I know what you are talking about.

I am still with my husband but it has been a grueling and difficult journey. Things have just recently been better in the last 2 months (out of 5+ years) but still it is lacking most of the key ingredients that you see in "normal" marriages. Like everyone, I have a multitude of reasons of why I stayed and why I am still here. I can honestly say that even if tomorrow this turned into the perfect relationship that it would still not be worth what I've gone through. If I had had a crystal ball 5 years ago I would have seen that I should have walked away - actually, I should have run very very very fast. I know that everyone's situation is different but I am just speaking from my experience.

We were going to be one of those couples that walked off into the beautiful sunset...we were going to make it! I had no idea that just stopping the substances was a mere beginning place....whenever I watch Intervention I always shake my head and think about how the people don't even begin to know what is coming their way. I know that there are probably some people that are happy, joyous, and free but my road has been a bumpy one. My husband and I have remained together but the walking off into the sunset is more like lollygagging, limping a bit, and definitely not hand in hand.

You sound like you have a huge amount on your plate. It helped me to ask myself the tough questions with outside professional advice. What are you two modeling to your kids? Is this what you want to teach them?

Keep us posted....sending you thoughts and prayers.

lostdad3

I was seeing a counselor myself, and have been NARANON a few times over the past few months. It is difficult with the kids in school and their activities. I look back to when my wife was in recovery, and the house was peaceful. I was able to handle the hectic life with three kids and do so with a smile upon my face. I also thought we would walk off into the sunset, hand in hand. I look at my children and want them to have "normal" upbringing, but that is also which drives me to the other thought of us being better apart being best for me, my kids, and my wife.

I don't like the anger and the darkness. I was always such a happy go-lucky person. But now that I have to measure my words and my actions. I wish she could just understand, I may not love her, or even like her, but I can respect her and what she is going through. But not a nice word, not a hug, not even a look of peace, but a stare of disdain towards me. WHY?

Ann

She's still pretty early into recovery, and probably still a bit shaky. I don't know why she does the things she does, but if it becoming an issue that is threatening your marriage, maybe it's time to see a marriage counselor.

Just because people get clean and sober, doesn't mean the problems go away. I know I blamed a lot of my son's bad behaviour on drug use, yet when he was clean, even for 3 years once, he still displayed some unacceptable behaviours at times (like angry tantrums).

I also learned not to walk on eggshells. If I need to discuss something I do it (respectfully). Pretending things are "okay" when they really are not, is a facade that crumbles quickly.

Just because she is in recovery doesn't mean you have to be unhappy all the time.

Decide what you will and won't accept in your life and go from there. I had to hit my own "enough" point before I could do that.

Hugs

Freedom1990

What respect is to be had for someone who sits around in her sweats and nightgown all day, and then gets gussied up for meetings?

Honestly I have to shake my head in disbelief over some of the actions of people in supposed recovery.

I didn't have the luxury of sitting around all day. When I got out of rehab, I was the single mother of an 8-year-old daughter.

I landed a full-time job within a week of discharge. A month later my parents brought my daughter to me (they were keeping her till I had a place of my own).

I managed meetings, work, and parenting.

Chino

I'm not sure how many spouses can understand and accept a loveless marriage, never mind your good intentions or her addiction.

happyboy

I'm with Freedom 1990, I am a recovering addict, and from seeeking recovery I understood it was adoing thing. Sitting around all day in a night gown does not sound good! Understanding the impact I had on my family while using, I immidiately started to work on changing my behaviour. I did that through na, but not just meetings, also getting a sponsor, wotrking the steps. Is your wife doing any of this? Or is she just going to meetings to hook up?

lostdad3

happy boy - I don't know. She has a sponsor, and it seems like a number of other friends, some men. Most, if not all of the women are single. I have seen some things on facebook and some emails, but more childish school girl stuff. But my wife also has a history of promiscuity. Something I found out 7.5 years into our marriage, all prior to our marriage. But I also know that she is contact with her ex husband, or at least was. I know of other things, including making use of craiglist for personal ad for bisexual partner. She comes from an abusive background with her parents. Mom a stripper and promiscous. Dad a workoholic and alcoholic. I found out after 8.5 years of marriage about the addiction to OXY for 6 years of our marriage. And then found out that prior to our marriage, she used coccaine 3-4 times a week. She does not binge, she was self medicating, same with the OXY. Two pills a day. All seemed fine until about three years ago, when she went into a depression. That I knew about and thought that is what I was dealing with, not the use of drugs, and the promiscuity. Now she just wants Blind Faith.

Kindeyes

lostdad3
I'm so sorry that you're having such a difficult time right now. Marriage is a challenge even when both parties have a very healthy relationship. When both people are caught up in the dance of addiction.......it's a really rough ride.

You can't fix her. She's going to do what she's going to do. All you can do is work on yourself. One of the things I love about Alanon or Naranon is that through the 12 steps we learn how to take care of ourselves. We learn how to find our peace no matter what anyone else is doing around us (particularly the addict). For me, it's so much work to try to keep myself in a peaceful place, I don't have time to try to fix anybody else anyway.

The harder I work on me......the more I like me.

I hope you are able to find peace for yourself and however you choose to do that, we're here for you.

gentle hugs

tam

keep getting support for yourself, do things for yourself and the children, let her worry about her recovery.
I wanted to say though, my AH was and still is very,very angry at me. I never hurt him or treated him badly for 26 years, if anything, he was very
fortunate to have a wife like me with his prior addiction, bipolar illness and current addiction.
I feel they have to have something to blame and loved ones are the targets.
he is very angry that I wouldnt accept his pill use and still dont. I do remember though he hid it for many years from people or so he thought.
as soon as others started noticing his addiction he would become angry and not talk to them either,so basically doesnt talk to anyone now.
You need to focus on your life. stop focusing on her or giving it attention, or worrying about what others think of her too,let the cards fall as they may.
you need to find peace and you will find it once you let go and step back.

lostdad3

thank you all for the advice. I have stepped back and started focusing on me, but I need to keep three children in mind too. My oldest is 8, and she knows things are not good between mommy and daddy. My wife lies to her about not feeling well as to the reason she does not go out with us, then we return home and she is gone. I just spoke with my wife about my feelings and the fact about lack of trust. I was advised that she never took my trust in her away, because she did it to herself and I did not know anything about it. I thought she was at least willing to listen to me. Not there.....

Seren

Hello lostdad! Welcome to SR!!! I hope that you will find support and resources you need here.....

It is horrible to have to walk on eggshells all the time, and it can't be a good environment for your children or you.

I know absolutely that you and your children do not deserve to live in the environment your describe. Take your time, make a plan that is best for you and the kids. You have plenty of support here. Many of us have been in exactly the same situation.

I will pray for your wife and you and the children!
Hugs, HG