When he gets out......

Old 11-12-2010, 06:50 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
When he gets out......

As some of you know, our son is in an inpatient treatment center......so do refer to him as my RAS now? lol That's not really my question.

He gets out in a little over a week. I am wondering how others dealt with their loved ones coming out of treatment and where the loved ones went.
And how they approached that topic.

I am hopeful that the counselors are talking about this with him. But I'm feeling a bit anxious about this issue. With the holidays upon us, it adds an additional strain.

My DH and I are of the opinion that he would be best in a SLE where he can have access to daily meetings and support from other recovering addicts. But would we be imposing our will on him to suggest that? I know that living with us long term would be a bad idea for all of us. But we may need to have him stay with us for a short period of time until he can find an Oxford House. My concern is that he won't even consider an Oxford House because he doesn't have a job. We need to let him know that we'll assist him with the OH costs until he can secure employment.

How did some of you deal with this issue? Did the inpatient treatment center help your loved ones arrange for a place to live?

I would love to hear how some of you dealt with this topic.

gentle hugs
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 07:31 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I guess my question to you is why are you making this your issue, when in fact it should be his issue to deal with while in rehab?
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 08:19 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
cece1960's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
I guess my question to you is why are you making this your issue, when in fact it should be his issue to deal with while in rehab?
I too felt it was my issue, as long as the conversation at the rehab tended to consider my home, his home.
Coming 'home" to my house never worked in the 6 or so times he's attended rebab or detox. It was always a very short time until he was right back to his usual MO.

This last time I not only suggested SL, I stressed it, but he claimed that he didn't have the funding. I can no longer afford to fund his attempts at recovery. Regardless, I felt it important to reiterate that my home was not an option, because in the past, he has reasoned that since he was "all better" after rehab, my door was open as it had been in the past.

No easy answers, but to do what you think is appropriate at the time, and adjust if you feel its necessary. The important thing to remember is that there is no wrong answer.

(((Hugs)))
cece1960 is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 08:24 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by cece1960 View Post
I too felt it was my issue, as long as the conversation at the rehab tended to consider my home, his home.
I guess I must have misunderstood at some point. I thought her AS had been living elsewhere on his own, and I also wasn't aware that their home was considered his home in regards to conversation at the rehab. Sorry!
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 08:27 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Great question Freedom. I know that you have a very personal perspective on this issue. So I would love to hear your perspective on how you dealt with this as you were getting out of rehab. It probably shouldn't be a concern of mine, however, I am feeling anxious and asking for either 1) insight as to why I might be feeling anxious and what I can do to relieve these feelings or 2) thoughts about how others dealt with what happened after their loved one got out of rehab. I'm hoping that the experiences of others might help me cope/relax/understand.

My thoughts are.......is back on the streets his only option? Do Oxford Houses have "scholarships"? I just don't know these things. lol

I can hear you thinking.....KE......let go and let God........and truly.......I'm trying and perhaps not succeeding very well.

gentle hugs
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 08:41 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
I guess I must have misunderstood at some point. I thought her AS had been living elsewhere on his own, and I also wasn't aware that their home was considered his home in regards to conversation at the rehab. Sorry!
Well.....I guess he was living elsewhere on his own......the city streets, the couches of other addicts, and his car (which is broken down right now so I guess it could be considered a "permanent" residence since it can't move but I doubt they will deliver mail there...lol).

Cece
I certainly don't think our house is a good option for him at all (or for us for that matter). But I think he may be considering that his only option since he has no job and that may be the discussion he is having in rehab with his counselors. I am hopeful that they are exploring other options with him. We want to be supportive of his recovery but do not want to enable him. At the same time, we don't want to leave him to think that living on the streets again is his only option. It's one of those fine lines I suppose. Just looking for the experience of others to help me figure out my own solution to dealing with the anxiety that this is causing me. (Trying very hard to let go here.....really.......I am).

Thank you for sharing your experience. It does help.

gentle hugs
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 08:46 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Do you think he is capable of making some sound decisions in regards to post-rehab living circumstances, along with the guidance of counselors there at rehab?

Is your anxiousness from fear of relapse, that he won't stay clean/sober? Is your anxiousness stemming from thinking he may assume he can come home when that hasn't been discussed yet? I can't answer that for you.

My counselor from rehab and I started looking at my options about a week before I was due to be discharged.

There were no SLE's within the area for a single mother.

Going back home to my then AH who was violent, psychotic, and still using/drinking also wasn't an option.

My parents' home was absolutely out of the question. They had chosen no recovery for themselves, and were still in denial that I was one of 'those people.'

I was incredibly blessed in that my counselor and her husband offered me a place to stay with them until I could get on my feet and get a place of my own.

Things just fell into place after that.

I landed a full-time job as a CNA one week out of rehab. A month later my counselor and her hubby found a rental they liked better.

We all went to talk to their current landlord to see if he would continue to rent to me and my daughter.

He did.

I had a wonderful support system already in place locally before I was ever discharged. I had a sponsor before I was discharged.

The only role my parents played in any of this was they rented a U-Haul, and loaded up all my stuff in a few short hours while the AH was gone, and brought it down to me after my counselor and her hubby had moved. They were terrified to have me back at my old stomping grounds, and I was terrified of running into my AH.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 08:49 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
But I think he may be considering that his only option since he has no job and that may be the discussion he is having in rehab with his counselors. I am hopeful that they are exploring other options with him. We want to be supportive of his recovery but do not want to enable him.
How about giving a call to one of the counselors and telling them how you feel instead of driving yourself crazy with what they 'might' be discussing?

People don't necessarily automatically know what my boundaries are. I can clearly state them.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 09:00 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
keepinon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Well how it worked for me was that we told the rehab..push for an sle which of course they were anyway.We did not give her the option of coming to out home. She found the sle herself (she's 18).We are currently paying for it.It is 500 bucks a mo. She got herself on food stamps,temp diability while she is in outpatient.
Kindeyes..I have had her live here after her 1st rehab..I was literally sick.I was no where near being far enough in my recovery. I still am not.I love the sle because they enforce the rules..not me.My daughter found a part time job..holding a pizza sign.She has enough to eat and is fine.I don't have a problem paying for sle for a while..as long as all reports are she is working like he&* on her program. He 's a grown up, this ain't his first rodeo and the rehab usually takes care of this stuff. So he may have a plan already..you just have to know what your limit is.
keepinon is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 09:08 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Do you think he is capable of making some sound decisions in regards to post-rehab living circumstances, along with the guidance of counselors there at rehab?
If they guide him and help him explore and understand those choices, I am hopeful that he can make sound decisions.

Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Is your anxiousness from fear of relapse, that he won't stay clean/sober? Is your anxiousness stemming from thinking he may assume he can come home when that hasn't been discussed yet?
No. My anxiousness is not specifically fear of relapse because that can happen no matter where he is--his recovery belongs to him--not to me. That is an issue I have absolutely no control of. I think you nailed it that I'm concerned that he is assuming that he can come home, which would be ok as a temporary stop gap measure but not as a permanent or long term solution. Sounds like perhaps......we just need to talk to him. And because of past experience......just the thought of talking to him causes me anxiety!

I'm glad to hear that your counselors talked with you about this issue. And I guess I am feeling anxious because that's what a co-dependent does....lol.

I've heard it said many times on here that the addicts early recovery challenges the recovery of the co-dependent. I need to ensure that I am well grounded in my own recovery and trust my higher power to guide me.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. Believe it or not, it did relieve some of my anxiety just reading about how you dealt with it.

gentle hugs
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 09:11 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
keepinon
Did you tell your daughter or the counselor that you would assist with the costs of the SLE? Did you state clearly that your home was not an option? Did you talk to your daughter or to the counselor?

Thank you for sharing......all of this information is helping me more than you know.

gentle hugs
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 09:22 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Get it down on paper before you talk to him or the counselors.

We will pay costs of an SLE/Oxford house for X amount of time. (If I had had the option of SLE and my parents paying without a time stipulation, I would not have been motivated to get a job ASAP)

Coming home is not an option, or coming home is an option for X amount of time to find an SLE.

I have found with both adult daughters that if I leave it open to interpretation, ie. "until you get a job", that's when I get mowed over.

I did that with the AD when I took her in during that month.

She ran roughshod over me.

Have clearly defined boundaries and time periods.

Just my two cents.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 10:53 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
keepinon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I talked to her counselor at the rehab and told her we didn't want her to come home and to talk to her about sle. She chose to leave the area for a couple of reasons 1. the ex bf and all the people she had screwed over in drug deals.2. her roomate was going there and she wanted to know somebody 3. the rehab romance guy lived in that town

So, the rehab suggested it, and she went for it.Had she not, we would've had to tell her she couldn't stay with us. I think she knew.We have not stipulated an end date for how long we will pay.She is in outpatient treatment 4 days a week now.We told her if she wants to go to cosmetology school full time we will help her out.If not, then she will need to get a job and start paying for herself.She is looking at schools right now. i really let the counselors push it, but she knew it was what she needed.The first time..ohh no..she wasn't going to any sober living she was gonna be just fine at home.That lasted a coupla weeks.Learned my lesson as I have most..the hard way.
keepinon is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 07:13 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
When my son was released from rehab (160 miles away) the counselors highly recommended a SLE and had several in that area to choose from. AS didn't want to do that because he missed home and really 'needed' to be close to his girlfriend. We allowed him to come home with the understanding that our home would be run 'just like' an SLE with all the same rules and stipulations.

He relapsed big time within 3 weeks.

We kicked him out and he was homeless for 8 days.

I suggested he call his rehab counselors and find out if he can get into one of the SLE's now. They pulled strings and he was in the SLE within a few hours. We agreed to pay for it "until he got a job"....which never did happen. We jacked around for another year before playing some real hard ball and sticking to even stronger boundaries, which resulted in him being responsible for his own life now.

Long story short is that based on my experience I agree with everything Freedom said here:

Get it down on paper before you talk to him or the counselors.

We will pay costs of an SLE/Oxford house for X amount of time. (If I had had the option of SLE and my parents paying without a time stipulation, I would not have been motivated to get a job ASAP)

Coming home is not an option, or coming home is an option for X amount of time to find an SLE.

I have found with both adult daughters that if I leave it open to interpretation, ie. "until you get a job", that's when I get mowed over.

I did that with the AD when I took her in during that month.

She ran roughshod over me.

Have clearly defined boundaries and time periods.

Just my two cents.
tjp613 is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 07:44 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
My daughter is getting out soon to she had been more or less living out of her car. SL i not for her for two reasons we can't afford it plus she wants to have alone time with her kids once in awhile. We don't want her sleeping in her car again so we are trying to scrap up money to help her get a cheap apartment. She will either sleep on our couch or a friends for the few weeks it will take us to get the money together an find a place. She is not in a real rehab it's more like jail a place the court sends them to try an help them instead of prison.
My thoughts are we can at least help her get a start while she is clean an in her right mind. What she does after that is up to her. Just doesn't seem right to put them out on the street. Freedom you were very lucky you had someone to help you get on your feet.
lostparent is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 07:51 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Angelic17's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Kindeyes, I totally understand your situation regarding what your son will do, and where he will go. It's heart breaking and scary at the same time. As mother's it kills us to watch our kids go through all of the repercussions of drug addiction. For me, I couldn't let my son go to a sober living, or an Oxford house type of place. My motherly instinct told me he wasn't done with his drug runs yet. I didn't want him to hook up with some bad people and get into trouble or die. I wasn't thrilled about him being with alot of other addicts, of which some were violent offenders, and corrupt individuals. So, I let him live here. My husband and I gave him 1 shot.

He was told, if he does drugs here, that he would have to leave. He was not allowed to sleep all day, and stay out all night. Ofcourse he tried both. That was a big struggle that wore me out. Trying to get him up in the morning, and to bed at a decent hour was impossible. He was also told that he must have a job. He tried to find one, and waited for a great job in the Laborers Union.

The bad news is that he left my home and went back out to use drugs.
Because he was told, if you go back out on drugs, you cannot come back here, my husband and I stuck to our word. While he was out on his binge, his job in the Laborers Union came through for him. Great pay, and great benefits. He blew it. He was out living with other users, and didn't go for his initiation.

He went back into treatment again, and asked if he could come back here, and the answer was NO. It was the worst and most heartbreaking NO I ever had to say. I anguished and grieved over it. It hurt me deeply. I posted here about it, and all of the others agreed that coming here wouldn't be good for any of us. So, he went down to Florida, with my family. He drove them all crazy too. He went out on drugs again, on the oxys, and roxys, amongst other drugs, I'm sure.

This last time, he went cold turkey off of those drugs, and has seemed to have learned his lesson. He has been clean since May. He now lives with my sister and her husband. He has his own private section of a big and beautiful house in Florida. My sister didn't want him to go live anywhere else. He is doing well, and working. He has changed back to my son. My real son. I can honestly say I am so grateful that my sister and brother inlaw have taken my son in. I have peace knowing that he is with his family and clean. My sister also has 11 years of recovery.

Rehab is called Rehabilitation, because the addict really needs to learn how to rebuild his life, and change everything. He has to relearn how to take care of himself properly. The facility that my son was in, suggested sober living. The professionals know that back with the family isn't always the best place. It's such a difficult situation for the addict, and for everyone who loves him. Especially the moms. We hurt with them, sometimes more.

This is why I pray. I have found comfort with prayer. Placing my son in GOD'S hands, and asking him to help. As of now he has. I am so thankful. Your son is being prayed for too. It seems as soon as I started praying for your boy, he went into treatment the next day. Coincidence??? Probably. But I like to think that GOD heard me. I always think, maybe these prayers are working, and maybe they aren't. But at least I feel like I am doing something to help. Anything I have ever asked for in a prayer has been given to me. Not always the minute I asked, but eventually. Faith is a great place to turn to, when I am frightened or worried. I truly hope things work out well for your son. He will be alright. The only thing he has to change is everything. And the main thing is for him to stay clean. Everything else will fall into place if he does.
Angelic17 is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 07:59 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Kindeyes

I think I will stay out of trying to give any advise. BUT seeing my post, you see how my home worked out for me. I suck at being a sober living facility...lol

Gotahavfaith
gotahavfaith is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 08:06 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
The sun still shines
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Angelic, please add my son to your prayers.
Sunshine2 is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 08:20 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Chino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by gotahavfaith View Post
I suck at being a sober living facility...lol
You enforced the rules, held your boundary, and everyone in your home is sober, right? I think you do a damn fine job at it

Kindeyes, all I can say is that my daughter wants to go back to an SLE.
Chino is offline  
Old 11-12-2010, 08:29 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Kindeyes, No advise here, just my experience. The last time my daughter was in rehab, a counselor came around & was talking about SL.....my daughter wanted NOTHING to do with it...I on the other hand thought it would be good. You see we had already taken her back in after rehab stays before and it NEVER worked out. Well, the Sh!t hit the fan and my daughter & I got into a huge fight and I said goodbye & left. She then proceeded to leave the rehab. (Had several weeks to go) Lived on couches, then the streets..........you see she really wasn't done yet..........about 3 months later she found she didn't like living that way anymore and has been clean since. She has a great sponsor who never gave up on her and who would even call me and tell me NOT to let her come home because she felt my daughter needed to face the consequences of her choices.

I know this doesn't really answer your original question, just thought our collective experiences are helpful.

Hugs,
Chris
Serenity Bound is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:05 AM.