New to the group
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 25
New to the group
I have a friend that told me about this group and decided to give it a try.
I have a 23 year old daughter that is on meth and has been for over a year. I've been attending the only local Nar-Anon meeting and two Al-Anon meetings per week to gain some sanity. The meetings help and so does the literature and last but not least, prayer. I have some new friends that understand what I'm going thru so I don't feel as lonely.
My daughter and I communicate occassionally. She knows I love her but also knows I will not enable her (as much as I understand it). She hasn't hit her "rock bottom" yet so hasn't ever been to recovery.
I'm trying to figure out how to understand and encourage her without enabling.
While she was growing up I did the best with what I had to give her the right tools to survive but know I have failed in encouraging her.
I've learned a lot about myself in my journey and can't wait for her to get on her journey of recovery.
I try to stay hopeful without expectations, because we all know expectations lead to resentment...been there.
Please bear with me as I learn to manouver this website. I've never been on a forum before
Thanks,
Hopeful in WA
I have a 23 year old daughter that is on meth and has been for over a year. I've been attending the only local Nar-Anon meeting and two Al-Anon meetings per week to gain some sanity. The meetings help and so does the literature and last but not least, prayer. I have some new friends that understand what I'm going thru so I don't feel as lonely.
My daughter and I communicate occassionally. She knows I love her but also knows I will not enable her (as much as I understand it). She hasn't hit her "rock bottom" yet so hasn't ever been to recovery.
I'm trying to figure out how to understand and encourage her without enabling.
While she was growing up I did the best with what I had to give her the right tools to survive but know I have failed in encouraging her.
I've learned a lot about myself in my journey and can't wait for her to get on her journey of recovery.
I try to stay hopeful without expectations, because we all know expectations lead to resentment...been there.
Please bear with me as I learn to manouver this website. I've never been on a forum before
Thanks,
Hopeful in WA
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....although I'm very sorry for the circumstances that bring us all here.
I hope that you'll stick around. Read and learn from the wonderful people here who understand what you are dealing with.....you are not alone. There is so much experience and collective wisdom on SR. It has been a lifeline for me.
It's good that you are taking care of yourself and going to meetings. You are at a better point than many people are when they come here because you have already begun your own path in recovery. I hope that you'll be able to share some of your experience with all of us so that we can learn from you as well.
gentle hugs
I hope that you'll stick around. Read and learn from the wonderful people here who understand what you are dealing with.....you are not alone. There is so much experience and collective wisdom on SR. It has been a lifeline for me.
It's good that you are taking care of yourself and going to meetings. You are at a better point than many people are when they come here because you have already begun your own path in recovery. I hope that you'll be able to share some of your experience with all of us so that we can learn from you as well.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I'm trying to figure out how to understand and encourage her without enabling.
After rehab, the best encouragement I could give was and still is my own recovery. She depends on me working a recovery program, but not for her sobriety. It is for a genuine and healthy relationship between us. I love my daughter too and God willing, she'll be 23 in 9 days, still working recovery and becoming the woman she's meant to be
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 139
Welcome, and sorry, too, that you had to find this board. I'm new here too, at least posting. I've lurked for a few monthes, just reading and learning.
You sound like a very intelligent woman who knows how to take care of herself. For that you should be very proud!!
One of the nicest things about this board is that it is open 24/7. That's very helpful.
My AS is why I found myself here. After living with me for a year I kicked him out. He got an apt. in my same building, and lost his job a little while ago. After 3 or 4 days of no one being able to reach him, I finally called the police last Fri. for a wellness check. He was passed out cold, blew .33 and had a warrant so they took him to jail. He was released Tuesday, and hates me now, obviously it's all my fault, NOT!! So I'm learning how to detach and not enable. Just my story in a nutshell.
This is a great place to be, and everyone is so helpful. Stick around, us Mom's need all the help and support we can get. Hugs, FGB
You sound like a very intelligent woman who knows how to take care of herself. For that you should be very proud!!
One of the nicest things about this board is that it is open 24/7. That's very helpful.
My AS is why I found myself here. After living with me for a year I kicked him out. He got an apt. in my same building, and lost his job a little while ago. After 3 or 4 days of no one being able to reach him, I finally called the police last Fri. for a wellness check. He was passed out cold, blew .33 and had a warrant so they took him to jail. He was released Tuesday, and hates me now, obviously it's all my fault, NOT!! So I'm learning how to detach and not enable. Just my story in a nutshell.
This is a great place to be, and everyone is so helpful. Stick around, us Mom's need all the help and support we can get. Hugs, FGB
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
ILoveMyDaughter,
I am so glad you have found this forum. You are really working a great program for yourself.
My daughter is also in addict in recovery one day at a time, and yes, we did the best we could with what we had.
This was hard for me, to forgive myself for being an active alcoholic when she was a baby.
Keep working your best program.
Beth
I am so glad you have found this forum. You are really working a great program for yourself.
My daughter is also in addict in recovery one day at a time, and yes, we did the best we could with what we had.
This was hard for me, to forgive myself for being an active alcoholic when she was a baby.
Keep working your best program.
Beth
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
I'm back!
Welcome to this wonderful, crazy place. I was here for a long time as a moderator and left because my life was full and I was trying to reconnect to my addict daughter and a new granddaughter.
Unfortunately, I am back after nearly 5 years. My AD has made more poor choices for which I am helpless. I have to tell you that I am sane today because of what I learned right here! I got all the necessary tools, skills and advice to be able to keep MY life sane while my AD's went insane. I learned that I cannot and will not have a front-row seat to her addiction. My main worry and concern right now is for my granddaughter. I just came back to my old familiar place with friends who understand what I am going through.
Welcome and I'm sorry for the reason you are here. But you have found the right place for YOU and YOU matter right now or you wouldn't be here.
Hugs,
Marteen
Unfortunately, I am back after nearly 5 years. My AD has made more poor choices for which I am helpless. I have to tell you that I am sane today because of what I learned right here! I got all the necessary tools, skills and advice to be able to keep MY life sane while my AD's went insane. I learned that I cannot and will not have a front-row seat to her addiction. My main worry and concern right now is for my granddaughter. I just came back to my old familiar place with friends who understand what I am going through.
Welcome and I'm sorry for the reason you are here. But you have found the right place for YOU and YOU matter right now or you wouldn't be here.
Hugs,
Marteen
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 124
Welcome from another mom in Washington State. Our reasons for being here are quite parallel.
My daughter turned 27 in August - while in jail - and has an alarming addiction to Meth, also. She's never been in recovery, even though we've given her the means, tools, and any support she could ever want. She's just not ready.
It's the hardest and most debilitating thing that dad and I have ever gone through and we don't see a good ending at this point. Unfortunately at this age you can't kidnap them and force treatment - not that that does any good IF THEY AREN'T READY...but it sure is tempting.
I believe she will be back in jail soon - she's got two court cases scheduled for next week and doesn't know about them. (The notices come to our house, since she has no address, and we haven't heard from her for almost 4 weeks.) No showing up means warrants for arrest and she's not one to stay out of trouble, so being stopped by the cops is definitely a given.
My feelings on this? HALLELUJAH. Jail is not the worst place for her to be. She's hell-bent on using as hard and fast as she can and won't stop until she IS stopped.
I'm sorry you are here...but you are not alone in this neck of the woods. Good luck.
My daughter turned 27 in August - while in jail - and has an alarming addiction to Meth, also. She's never been in recovery, even though we've given her the means, tools, and any support she could ever want. She's just not ready.
It's the hardest and most debilitating thing that dad and I have ever gone through and we don't see a good ending at this point. Unfortunately at this age you can't kidnap them and force treatment - not that that does any good IF THEY AREN'T READY...but it sure is tempting.
I believe she will be back in jail soon - she's got two court cases scheduled for next week and doesn't know about them. (The notices come to our house, since she has no address, and we haven't heard from her for almost 4 weeks.) No showing up means warrants for arrest and she's not one to stay out of trouble, so being stopped by the cops is definitely a given.
My feelings on this? HALLELUJAH. Jail is not the worst place for her to be. She's hell-bent on using as hard and fast as she can and won't stop until she IS stopped.
I'm sorry you are here...but you are not alone in this neck of the woods. Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 25
So sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your very warm welcomes. One of the side-effects of my journey. Even after a year in my recovery I'm scattered and procrastinate. Yes, these are some of my character defects that became worse when my daughter decided to start taking drugs. I've gotten better but still not healthy.
I'm sorry that there has to ba a forum for us but am very glad we can all connect.
I heard from my daughter by voicemail the other night. At 23 she still can't remember when my birthday is. Yep, one of her character defects that's worse on drugs. She was afraid she had missed my birthday...she missed her grandmother's. She says she has a gift for me and would like to visit with me. Our visits aren't very long, usually.
She lost her job quite some time ago. Her boyfriend that introduced her to meth has been in and out of her life but is in jail right now for stealing duct tape to fix his broken-down truck. He had a warrant. This is the third time I know of he's been arrested because of a warrant.
She has been put in jail in one county for driving w/o a valid license but her "roommate" bailed her out after he spent time in jail. She lives in a little "meth/heroine commune". She had a warrant in the county I live in after getting pulled over...again driving w/o a valid license.
Her car is broken down. Has no phone, no food...unless she stops trading her food stamps in for cigarettes, has had a miscarriage...but she's still alive. I have hope that she will get tired of this and ask for help soon.
I've learned not to expect more than she is capeable of. After all, expectations lead to resentment and I get very weepy when I do this.
Thank you all for being there to listen and share your experience, strenth and hope with me. If I can share something that will help you in your journey it will make it all worth it.
Warm hugs,
KM
I'm sorry that there has to ba a forum for us but am very glad we can all connect.
I heard from my daughter by voicemail the other night. At 23 she still can't remember when my birthday is. Yep, one of her character defects that's worse on drugs. She was afraid she had missed my birthday...she missed her grandmother's. She says she has a gift for me and would like to visit with me. Our visits aren't very long, usually.
She lost her job quite some time ago. Her boyfriend that introduced her to meth has been in and out of her life but is in jail right now for stealing duct tape to fix his broken-down truck. He had a warrant. This is the third time I know of he's been arrested because of a warrant.
She has been put in jail in one county for driving w/o a valid license but her "roommate" bailed her out after he spent time in jail. She lives in a little "meth/heroine commune". She had a warrant in the county I live in after getting pulled over...again driving w/o a valid license.
Her car is broken down. Has no phone, no food...unless she stops trading her food stamps in for cigarettes, has had a miscarriage...but she's still alive. I have hope that she will get tired of this and ask for help soon.
I've learned not to expect more than she is capeable of. After all, expectations lead to resentment and I get very weepy when I do this.
Thank you all for being there to listen and share your experience, strenth and hope with me. If I can share something that will help you in your journey it will make it all worth it.
Warm hugs,
KM
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 25
In response to Spiritual Seeker: my daughter has not chosen to seek recovery. She and her boyfriend have talked about quitting but she has heard enough about what happens and doesn't want to not have access to a sexual partner. If she decides to stop the drugs she wants to be able to go back to her younger days of being able to party with alcohol.
Her father and every one of his siblings are all addicted to one or more things. I wasn't aware of the extent of it when I married him; but, when you're young and dumb you don't think of those things. I've talked to my daughter since she was very young about the addictive gene that she has; but, she's always had to learn things the hard way. She has an aunt that has passed away because of her addiction. I try not to think about that...I try to focus on hope.
To YouWillBe: I get my daughter's collection notices, too. I'm also thinking that jail wouldn't be a terrible thing. If you would have said that to me two years ago I would have been appalled.
To Keepinon: Hang in there! Your addict is heading in the right direction. Recovery is good. I will pray that your son/daughter will decide to stay on the right path and be able to rejoice with you.
Marteen: My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you're back to "Step One". Now I know where that saying came from. I so hope your AD will be able to regain some sanity from their program. So sorry to hear you had to return but hope to hear some of your wisdom.
To Wicked: Sounds like you have a lot of guilt. You can't do anything about the past. I'm just glad you're here in the present getting help. It sounds like you have stopped drinking so you are setting the best example you can. Action speaks louder than words. Hang in there!
To FGB: I'm glad you have been able to learn about detachment. Your AS may not think of you very kindly right now but hopefully will get wiser and realize that you do what you do out of love. Love heals all wounds. Stay strong.
To Chino: I'm so glad your daugther is recovering and it sounds like you are doing a great job on your journey, too. I have stopped trying to beg and plead with my daughter and stopped saying things like "if you love me" or "I was hoping for you to go into recovery for my Christmas gift"...yes, I said that last year. When she decides to talk to me I just try to listen to her and let her know I love her. It was difficult at first because I would start crying and she would say she can't deal with all of the emotions and she would start crying. I wait until we hang up to cry now. When she would cry I caught myself expecting that she is close to her rock bottom. Now I suspect that it just made her want to use again. For that reason I try not to get "needy".
Last but not least to KindEyes: I hope to gain from your wisdom. I can tell by your name message that you have a lot to share. Yes, I'm glad to be in my recovery and sorry I need to be here at the same time. This is a sweet and sour point in my life as I'm sure it is for everyone else here. Thank you for being my friend!
KM
Her father and every one of his siblings are all addicted to one or more things. I wasn't aware of the extent of it when I married him; but, when you're young and dumb you don't think of those things. I've talked to my daughter since she was very young about the addictive gene that she has; but, she's always had to learn things the hard way. She has an aunt that has passed away because of her addiction. I try not to think about that...I try to focus on hope.
To YouWillBe: I get my daughter's collection notices, too. I'm also thinking that jail wouldn't be a terrible thing. If you would have said that to me two years ago I would have been appalled.
To Keepinon: Hang in there! Your addict is heading in the right direction. Recovery is good. I will pray that your son/daughter will decide to stay on the right path and be able to rejoice with you.
Marteen: My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you're back to "Step One". Now I know where that saying came from. I so hope your AD will be able to regain some sanity from their program. So sorry to hear you had to return but hope to hear some of your wisdom.
To Wicked: Sounds like you have a lot of guilt. You can't do anything about the past. I'm just glad you're here in the present getting help. It sounds like you have stopped drinking so you are setting the best example you can. Action speaks louder than words. Hang in there!
To FGB: I'm glad you have been able to learn about detachment. Your AS may not think of you very kindly right now but hopefully will get wiser and realize that you do what you do out of love. Love heals all wounds. Stay strong.
To Chino: I'm so glad your daugther is recovering and it sounds like you are doing a great job on your journey, too. I have stopped trying to beg and plead with my daughter and stopped saying things like "if you love me" or "I was hoping for you to go into recovery for my Christmas gift"...yes, I said that last year. When she decides to talk to me I just try to listen to her and let her know I love her. It was difficult at first because I would start crying and she would say she can't deal with all of the emotions and she would start crying. I wait until we hang up to cry now. When she would cry I caught myself expecting that she is close to her rock bottom. Now I suspect that it just made her want to use again. For that reason I try not to get "needy".
Last but not least to KindEyes: I hope to gain from your wisdom. I can tell by your name message that you have a lot to share. Yes, I'm glad to be in my recovery and sorry I need to be here at the same time. This is a sweet and sour point in my life as I'm sure it is for everyone else here. Thank you for being my friend!
KM
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Welcome to SR! I try to keep up with newcomers, but my college classes have been keeping me extra busy lately.
I have a 32-year-old daughter who's been active in addictions since she was 15. She got her first felony charges, and subsequent incarceration while running a big batch of Sudafed to a meth lab. Her drug of choice these days is Xanax.
She refuses to seek any recovery in spite of growing up around the rooms of AA and NA.
I went through rehab myself in 1986 for addictions/alcoholism. My drug of choice was meth.
I think you are wise to not have any expectations. I don't have any for my daughter.
You are not alone, and I am sending hugs on the Kansas breezes to another mother.
I have a 32-year-old daughter who's been active in addictions since she was 15. She got her first felony charges, and subsequent incarceration while running a big batch of Sudafed to a meth lab. Her drug of choice these days is Xanax.
She refuses to seek any recovery in spite of growing up around the rooms of AA and NA.
I went through rehab myself in 1986 for addictions/alcoholism. My drug of choice was meth.
I think you are wise to not have any expectations. I don't have any for my daughter.
You are not alone, and I am sending hugs on the Kansas breezes to another mother.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Watching the sunrise
Posts: 104
Hugs and welcome! :ghug3
I came to SR a year ago to find help for my son who is an addict. What I found was help for me.
As I look back over the last year, I see so many times I found hope and healing here.
We understand what you are going through. It is heartbreaking to see your child destroy herself,
but I have found what works for me is to take care of myself and let my son take care of himself.
with love,
I came to SR a year ago to find help for my son who is an addict. What I found was help for me.
As I look back over the last year, I see so many times I found hope and healing here.
We understand what you are going through. It is heartbreaking to see your child destroy herself,
but I have found what works for me is to take care of myself and let my son take care of himself.
with love,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 25
Thank you, Freedom 1990 from Kansas! I'll keep your daughter in my prayers. And I'm so glad you have found Freedom. In 1986 I knew nothing about meth at all. I wish I still didn't. Looks like you have some cute loves in your life, the dogs. I needed something to nurture after losing our dear old friend, a border collie mutt. I found a new love from the Humane Society. Jake doesn't take the place of my daughter but sure helps me heal when I'm feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for being there. Sending soggy hugs from Western WA...it's raining. UGH. 
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
Thanks for your thoughts and concern.
I have only made it this far because of this site. Believe me, I was a complete basket case when I first came here several years ago. I truly did not know how I was going to live through another day. And as much as I appreciated what everyone was telling me, I didn't believe a word of it. I was such a skeptic and I believed that "I" and my situation with my daughter would be different.
I realized that was the "state of denial" and being in denial means you don't have to believe the worst but it also makes you so afraid of what you don't know and what lies ahead.
They have kept my "sticky" at the top of the page, A message to new parents of addicts" because it helps to know that we all go through the stages of hell when we first really have that glimpse and small realization that our child is into something we can't understand, control or fix for them. It's a very difficult place to be but with this site, you don't have to go through it alone.
I am a far different person than I was back then; still scared for my AD and even more scared for my granddaughter, bless her innocent heart. But I no longer fear my AD's behavior and choices ruining me and my life. I used to think that sounded so cold but I know it's not. I can forgive and be more compassionate when I'm not so fearful of what's going to happen to me!
Keep coming back as much as you need and never give up on YOU. YOU are the only person you can control and you deserve to live the life you have chosen because of YOUR choices.
Hugs,
Marteen
I have only made it this far because of this site. Believe me, I was a complete basket case when I first came here several years ago. I truly did not know how I was going to live through another day. And as much as I appreciated what everyone was telling me, I didn't believe a word of it. I was such a skeptic and I believed that "I" and my situation with my daughter would be different.
I realized that was the "state of denial" and being in denial means you don't have to believe the worst but it also makes you so afraid of what you don't know and what lies ahead.
They have kept my "sticky" at the top of the page, A message to new parents of addicts" because it helps to know that we all go through the stages of hell when we first really have that glimpse and small realization that our child is into something we can't understand, control or fix for them. It's a very difficult place to be but with this site, you don't have to go through it alone.
I am a far different person than I was back then; still scared for my AD and even more scared for my granddaughter, bless her innocent heart. But I no longer fear my AD's behavior and choices ruining me and my life. I used to think that sounded so cold but I know it's not. I can forgive and be more compassionate when I'm not so fearful of what's going to happen to me!
Keep coming back as much as you need and never give up on YOU. YOU are the only person you can control and you deserve to live the life you have chosen because of YOUR choices.
Hugs,
Marteen
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